Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy Evacuation Day To All

Alot of people like to give me grief about the multitude of holidays that are bestowed upon me because of my position in life as a Commonwealth employee. Well, in the spirit of Evacuation Day, I say to you all: "neener neener neener." I'll get ya again in June on Bunker Hill Day.

The origin of Evacuation Day goes something like this: Back on March 17th, 1776, General George Washington positioned a row of cannons on a hill in Dorchester Heights, aimed directly at the balls of the Redcoats. Legend has it that the English promptly performed a mass evacuation of their bowels, and after collectively shitting their britches, they got the hell out of Dodge to go find some new pants. Whatever the reason, I get a floater holiday and you don't.... neener neener neener.

TANGENTIAL MOMENT: (shit, that sounds funny when you say it out loud)
How much are you looking forward to the end of Lent. Yeah yeah yeah... all you religous types are counting down to the celebration of the most miraculous day in the Christian faith: the day that Jesus rose from the dead, rolled back a 4 ton stone and went searching for painted eggs. Well, for me, the close of the Lenten season means the end of 40 days of "Gimme back that filet-o-fish. Gimme that fish." Holy Christ!- I don't remember a commercial getting so much air time since that old blue haired troll was looking for the beef. Well, I guess it's better than the stupid fahkin bunny rabbit that clucks like a chicken and lays Cadbury eggs.

Listen up, if the birth of Jesus can turn into two months of shopping and a story of an obese elf in a red suit and the resurrection of Jesus can become paired with a story of a giant rabbit hiding candy and eggs all over the world, then I can turn the evacuation of the British into a day of Guinness drinking and corned beef eating!!! So leave me the fahk alone and Happy Evacuation Day to you all... I've donned my green beads and am off to search for green boobs.

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