Monday, April 20, 2009

Obama Sells Books

I was just an ass scratchin' little kid when I first heard this and I don't think it meant much to me back then... I was more interested in shootin' the shit out of my friends with my pointer finger and thumb than paying attention to the themes of School House Rock... but thanks to my sister for reminding me of this little ditty and it is now my responsibility to shout it out to the asshole politicians who could care less about the document on which our nation was created.

Today, as we celebrate Patriots Day in Massachusetts by stuffing laurel wreaths on the heads of anorexic Kenyans, I am left watching news clips showing our president apologize for how Americans have been acting as he reaches out with his purple fukkin lips to kiss the collective asses of foreign leaders who would just as well see the United States become the 8th ocean of the world. Why does he need to stand there with Hugo Chavez (Spanish for "Thanks for the oil money America, but fuck you anyway") while that asshole gives him a copy of his own book - a book, by the way, that is about the centuries of alleged evildoings of the United States upon Latin America. Accepting that book with a handshake and a smile has resulted in skyrocketing sales for Chavez. All the while, Chavez has used Obama like a fool for his own financial gain. All the liberals will say that we need to start mending relationships with foreign leaders around the world... bullshit!!! Why do we need to mend relationships with dictators whose lifelong agenda has been for the decimation of our country? Iran is building nuclear weapons, North Korea launching missiles, Cuba failing to release any political prisoners... they are all laughing at us - thumbing their dirty little noses in our direction while our leader is shaking hands, posing for cameras and taking his new puppy for walks. So what's the answer? Kiss their asses and don't forget to put the sugar on top when you beg pretty please!!!

Lawdy lawdy lawdy... please help us.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Everybody Wins

Dear parents and players of Team C (formerly the Blues),

My name is Coach Candy Cane and I would like to welcome you to another exciting season of youth soccer in the Everybody Wins Youth Athletic Association. This year, our league has adopted a policy that declares all nicknames as potentially offensive and thus you will notice that our team has no nickname this year. Being named after the color of our uniform shirts is a thing of the past. This decision was made easy following the numerous formal complaints filed by the Citrus Growers of America against the use of the name Oranges. Many of you are aware that at the close of last season, the league was forced to issue a public apology to the clinically depressed community at large for our callous use of the name Blues. What you may not know is how that nickname also dealt irreparable harm to Papa Smurf and his little family living under that big oak tree over there.

I am looking forward to working with you as we spend the next two months not only teaching your children the game of soccer, but also that no matter the athletic hand with which they are dealt, they will be champions at the end of the season. Successes on the field will not be celebrated this year because I believe that one team’s successes often directly results in another team’s failure. And isn’t that a horrible message to teach our children? I will teach your children that striving to be successful is in fact mean-spirited and not fair to those who are not successful. I will not condone such behavior.

The schedule for our upcoming season is enclosed. Please note that in each game, both teams are designated as the Home team, which is different than the age old practice of having one home team and one away team. Having two home teams will effectively negate the unfair advantage that home teams have had for thousands of years. All games will be 1 hour in length. At the end of the hour, both teams will be declared the winner and after high fives for all, every player will be taken out for Slurpies. This year, all nets have been removed from the fields. Since we have decided not to keep score during games, we have also eliminated the goalie position. For too many years, goalies would suffer seriously injured feelings whenever they would allow a goal. A point of emphasis this year for the league and us as coaches is that hurt feelings will not be tolerated.

Please note that the end of season banquet is scheduled for May 28th. After several years of unknowingly offending the non-Italians and 3 year olds learning to talk, we are looking for ideas to take the place of Mama Zapoli’s pehsghetti dinner. . Following dinner, awards will be given out to recognize our players. Every player in the league will receive an identical trophy for being a “Winner In Life” thus furthering our league’s mission that whether our children strive to be the best they can be or just show up and spend all day scratching their asses, they will all get the same reward.

See you at practice - and go Team!