My name is Coach Candy Cane and I would like to welcome you to another exciting season of youth soccer in the Everybody Wins Youth Athletic Association. This year, our league has adopted a policy that declares all nicknames as potentially offensive and thus you will notice that our team has no nickname this year. Being named after the color of our uniform shirts is a thing of the past. This decision was made easy following the numerous formal complaints filed by the Citrus Growers of America against the use of the name Oranges. Many of you are aware that at the close of last season, the league was forced to issue a public apology to the clinically depressed community at large for our callous use of the name Blues. What you may not know is how that nickname also dealt irreparable harm to Papa Smurf and his little family living under that big oak tree over there.
I am looking forward to working with you as we spend the next two months not only teaching your children the game of soccer, but also that no matter the athletic hand with which they are dealt, they will be champions at the end of the season. Successes on the field will not be celebrated this year because I believe that one team’s successes often directly results in another team’s failure. And isn’t that a horrible message to teach our children? I will teach your children that striving to be successful is in fact mean-spirited and not fair to those who are not successful. I will not condone such behavior.
The schedule for our upcoming season is enclosed. Please note that in each game, both teams are designated as the Home team, which is different than the age old practice of having one home team and one away team. Having two home teams will effectively negate the unfair advantage that home teams have had for thousands of years. All games will be 1 hour in length. At the end of the hour, both teams will be declared the winner and after high fives for all, every player will be taken out for Slurpies. This year, all nets have been removed from the fields. Since we have decided not to keep score during games, we have also eliminated the goalie position. For too many years, goalies would suffer seriously injured feelings whenever they would allow a goal. A point of emphasis this year for the league and us as coaches is that hurt feelings will not be tolerated.
Please note that the end of season banquet is scheduled for May 28th. After several years of unknowingly offending the non-Italians and 3 year olds learning to talk, we are looking for ideas to take the place of Mama Zapoli’s pehsghetti dinner.
See you at practice - and go Team!