Thursday, June 4, 2009

45 Life Lessons

I got an email this week. It was one of those hokey, feel good kinda lists that I generally just delete and forget about. The life lessons that this Regina Brett had taken the time to write down and share with the world some many years ago in the Cleveland Plain Dealer are more of the same bullshit meaningless quotes. Hell, she turned 90 in August and felt a need to share them again - perhaps it's the old age setting in, but it remains drivel to me. Blah blah blah... But for some reason, I read the first line of her life lessons and felt a compulsive need to make a small change so that it would better reflect reality today. Before I knew it, I was out of control, running rampant down her list and changing her lessons to better suit the real world. Here ya go.... for your reading pleasure (and for your own good) these are 45 life lessons I feel I can impart on your sorry asses: (my additions/changes) are in blue

1. Life isn't fair, it’s a fahkin carnival ride from hell.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step into the bar and get cocked.
3. Life is too short and so are midgets...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Neither will your friends and family anymore. That swine flu sucks.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month and while you are at it, wake up and smell the coffee.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to a pudding wrestling match to settle all ties.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than kicking the shit out of them.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. After all, look at what he did to your face.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check – that $42 from Burger King can go a long way.
10. When it comes to chocolate, pour the syrup slowly on the nipples and then……...
11. Make peace with your past so you can screw up all over again.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry, just don’t let them see you doing the mattress dance with Mommy.
13. Don't compare your life to others – you have no idea how bad it really is.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you better be good at keeping secrets.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks – he just shuts his eyes and hopes for the best.
16. Take a deep breath, I just farted and I’m telling you- it ain’t pretty!
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful, because what better way to raise drinking money than to have a big ol' yard sale.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you didn’t try hard enough.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But in your case, you are screwed.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, they should put the whorehouse next door to the bar to make it easy.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Just remember to wash the nice sheets after.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow, you obsessive freak!
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. Wait until the gay bar opens.
24. The most important sex is the sex you actually have.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. But I can go a long way in fukking it up for you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ’In five years, just how low will my boobs be hanging?'
27. Always choose Life. Clue, Sorry and Chutes & Ladders suck as board games go.
28. Forgive everyone everything. Just keep good notes so you can still get them back when they are least expecting it.
29. What other people think of you is probably right on the money.
30. Time heals almost everything. Except for herpes – that shit lasts forever.
31. However good or bad a situation is, Lynyrd Skynyrd still rocks and the Beatles still suck.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. Couldn’t have said that better myself.
33. Believe in miracles. And you can also believe in the tooth fairy and Santa because they are real too.
34. God loves you because of who God is, but he still hates the LA Clippers.
35. Don't audit life. Leave that to the geeks who did well in math.
36. Growing old beats the alternative – growing a third nipple.
37. Your children get only one childhood and they are lucky not to be spending it tied to the radiator.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you sons of bitches get what’s coming to you.
39. Get outside every day. You are stinking up the whole house.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile can you imagine the size of that pile?
41. Envy is a waste of time. And so is writing down 45 life lessons.
42. The best is yet to come. So you better get the hell out of the way.
43. No matter how you feel, get up and turn on Sportscenter to catch the top 10 plays of the day.
44. Yield. Stop. Caution. Slow Child. RR Crossing. Can you think of any other signs?
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, because your crazy uncle will still stick it to his forehead and laugh like he’s the next Eddie Murphy.

Peace Out
-Brother Ken