Thursday, September 24, 2009

Hello Munchkins

An Open Letter to Munchkinland from your Head Munchkin, Deval “Banana in the Tailpipe” Patrick….

Dear Friends,

It is with great joy that I announce to you today the creation of four groundbreaking new laws. I gotta tell you, creating laws in Massachusetts is a lot like swallowing a wad of Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum… a token struggle at the start, but sure to pass in less than three days. Gone are the days of the Mitt “The Terrible” Romney and his Republican administration. That has been replaced by your Atta Boy, Ass-Rubbing, Everyone Is The Same Government, brought to you by the faithful “Democrats are Good - I Loved JFK Too” voters of this great Commonwealth.

As you all know, I successfully changed one law already this week. Five years ago, when the well being of the Commonwealth was standing precipitously at the edge of destuction under Mr. Romney, our good son, John Kerry was oh so close to winning the Presidency. Had JohnBoy won, the big meanie Governor would have had the power to nominate a lameduck Senator to finish out Kerry’s term in the Senate. Who knows what kind of evil he would have nominated – perhaps Charles Manson; or even worse, Curt Schilling? So your good congressmen and congresswomen had the foresight and acted quickly, making clear their feelings that one voice in the Senate was better than two voices if the second voice was not going to vote the same as the first voice. The law was changed and removed that power from the governor. Well, thanks to a worldwide conspiracy (someone had the nerve to point out that Kerry actually held no position on any topic), George W. Bush stole another election and Senator Kerry remained our Senator. But tragedy has struck our Commonwealth once again. When the senior voice kicked over and went toes to the sky last month, we all realized that we were going to have to survive 5 months with only one monotone put you to sleep voice the Senate. We all know we need EVERY voice allowable under law in Washington, just so long as they are Democrat voices. You should all be very thankful to have such a committed and talented group of legislators who are able to flip-flop to the other side of the fence faster than President Obama can hop from television studio to television studio. And is it not a wonderful thing to grant the honorable Ted Kennedy’s dying wish? (By the way, this letter is NO PLACE to remind everyone that Mary Jo Kopechne’s dying wish was for Ted to just "open the passenger door please")

So, as we look toward the future of this great Commonwealth, I have drafted four new laws that will only serve to benefit the people of Massachusetts and allow me to continue living the high life. These four monumental laws will henceforth become known as the Patrick Articles of Making Sure.

Amendment Article I: The Governor of the Commonwealth shall be elected by a majority of votes and shall serve a term no greater than 4 years, unless said Governor is a Republican whereas the term shall be no greater than 4 weeks.

Amendment Article II: An incumbent Democrat governor shall have the authority to cancel a gubernatorial election if it looks like he/she might lose to a Republican. The election shall be rescheduled once enough Democrat votes have been solicited from Ireland and local cemeteries and morgues.

Amendment Article III: I propose that all special elections be considered emergencies and that the winner shall be determined by a Rock – Paper – Scissors contest on the steps of the statehouse.

Amendment Article IV: Any sitting governor who has had hip replacement surgery shall be driven around the state in a big fat, gas guzzling SUV for his comfort.

Thank you for your blind loyalty to the party and remember - Follow the Yellow Brick Road for it shall lead you to the great and powerful Me.


Your Eminence Deval Patrick

(shhh... obviously this is a phony letter - the real Governor does not really think Curt Schilling is worse than Charles Manson. Plus, he cannot spell Eminence)

PS… Please do your part and boycott any and all events at the local Hyatt hotels, who had the nerve to lay off 100 housekeepers this week. Do they not know that I need these people to vote for me so I will stand up for them? Oh, and pay no attention to the news that my administration has laid off thousands of state employees over the past 9 months. I HAD to do that in order to pay for my gas guzzling SUV.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

His Name Is F'ing MATT Light, you ass!

Holy shit... where the hell have I been? Too freakin' busy to blog anything this summer. But the past few weeks have brought shitloads of items that has had my head turning faster than a Nancy Pelosi dirty look. We have had the passing of Michael Jackson and Teddy Kennedy, the Obama Reality Show, Boston statehouse hypocrisy and tons of news about my kids. But first things first.... the Patriots and that debacle of a telecast last night on ESPN, which apparently stands for "Jon Gruden is a Dumb Ass Prick Who Still Has Not Gotten Over the Tuck Rule."

First, the game... my, our, your New England Pats in their throwback unis came out on top last night 25-24 after being down 11 points with 5:33 to play in the game, with many thanks to Leodis McKelvin for his big fat brain dump when he decided to return that kick. The game was one of those occasions where the scoreboard cannot possibly tell the whole story. This morning, someone actually tried to tell me that the Pats did not win the game and rather Buffalo lost the game. Claims it was that one stoopid decision to return the kick that determined the outcome. If you choose to attach yourself to that argument, then you should not bother ever watching another football game again. A lot of things happen in 60 minutes of football and it is not just the last big play that determines the outcome. Yep, Leodis "My Knee Hurts" McKelvin fucked up in a big way. But one of the two bogus roughing the passer calls directly led to a Bills touchdown! To say the Pats were "lucky" to have won is blind idiocy! They kicked Buffalo's ass up and down the field my friends! Here are the facts Jack: Pats outgained the Bills by over 170 yards! Pats ran 77 offensive plays to the Bills' 38! The Pats had a 15 minute time of possession advantage (equal to an entire fucking quarter of football)! Welker and Moss each had 12 catches and 4 players had more than 50 yards receiving! That my friends is an ass-kicking. The only thing that bothered me about the Pats last night was their whiskey-dick drives (ayep... valiant effort but not able to finish).

Now for the other shit that pissed me off last night: That television crew put on the most blatant display of anti-Patriot blah blah that I had ever seen. Jon Gruden is simply a fukkin doofus. But then again, I couldn't tell which moron was talking half the time because it was pretty much a 4 hour nipple rubbing love fest over how great the Bills are and how rusty Tom Brady is. How many times did we need to hear Jaworski tell us that "this is why they play the game." No shit Ski!! Did you make that one up yourself?

And I am not sure which "expert" continued to praise Terence McGee as a shut down corner. You remember McGee, right? He was the dude who left his jock AND his balls on the 35 yard line when Moss cut back and left him grasping at air like Helen Keller looking for a hug. Yet, even after Moss had reached 130 yards receiving, Gruden continued to talk about how great a game McGee had! Oh, by the way Mr. Chucky.... it's MATT Light, not Todd, you fukking idiot!!! Couldn't one of your boothmates have dropped you a frikkin post-it note at some point?

How many of you out there enjoyed the throwback uniforms? I really got a kick out of them because I think the Pats old helmets are awesome. But how many of you thought the officials looked like counter help at a Jack-In-The-Box? I know this much, that asshat who made those two roughing the passer calls last night ought to get his ass back to the counter because DING, THE FRIES ARE DONE!!! How far will the NFL go to protect quarterbacks? Vince "I'm Not Jessica Simpson" Wilfork made a perfectly clean, waist-high tackle as Edwards was throwing the ball and the ref called him for "going low on the quarterback." And the call on Adalius Thomas was just as bad because Edwards still had the ball. He was called for "throwing the quarterback to the ground." Um.... I'm pretty sure that is the object, right? Was he supposed to invite him down to the ground politely? Was he supposed to bring him down ever so gingerly so as to allow him a chance to stay up and run away? The league had better issue their typical "We reviewed the tape. The official was wrong. We are sorry." statement today. Also interesting how none of the three announcers last night commented much on those horrendous calls except to call them marginal!!! Marginal??? I looked up marginal in the dictionary and it does not mean "bullshit" so I don't know what they were talking about.
Okay, I am feeling a bit more relieved... got that off my chest. We got the Jets next week and their defense looks down right aggressive and scary... bring on the blitzes Gang Green.... Mr. Brady gonna burn yer asses!

Photo Credit: from AP photo Steven Senne (thanks ESPN for at least contributing SOMETHING worthwhile about last night's game)