It is with great joy that I announce to you today the creation of four groundbreaking new laws. I gotta tell you, creating laws in Massachusetts is a lot like swallowing a wad of Bazooka Joe Bubble Gum… a token struggle at the start, but sure to pass in less than three days. Gone are the days of the Mitt “The Terrible” Romney and his Republican administration. That has been replaced by your Atta Boy, Ass-Rubbing, Everyone Is The Same Government, brought to you by the faithful “Democrats are Good - I Loved JFK Too” voters of this great Commonwealth.
As you all know, I successfully changed one law already this week. Five years ago, when the well being of the Commonwealth was standing precipitously at the edge of destuction under Mr. Romney, our good son, John Kerry was oh so close to winning the Presidency. Had JohnBoy won, the big meanie Governor would have had the power to nominate a lameduck Senator to finish out Kerry’s term in the Senate. Who knows what kind of evil he would have nominated – perhaps Charles Manson; or even worse, Curt Schilling? So your good congressmen and congresswomen had the foresight and acted quickly, making clear their feelings that one voice in the Senate was better than two voices if the second voice was not going to vote the same as the first voice. The law was changed and removed that power from the governor. Well, thanks to a worldwide conspiracy (someone had the nerve to point out that Kerry actually held no position on any topic), George W. Bush stole another election and Senator Kerry remained our Senator. But tragedy has struck our Commonwealth once again. When the senior voice kicked over and went toes to the sky last month, we all realized that we were going to have to survive 5 months with only one monotone put you to sleep voice the Senate. We all know we need EVERY voice allowable under law in Washington, just so long as they are Democrat voices. You should all be very thankful to have such a committed and talented group of legislators who are able to flip-flop to the other side of the fence faster than President Obama can hop from television studio to television studio. And is it not a wonderful thing to grant the honorable Ted Kennedy’s dying wish? (By the way, this letter is NO PLACE to remind everyone that Mary Jo Kopechne’s dying wish was for Ted to just "open the passenger door please")
So, as we look toward the future of this great Commonwealth, I have drafted four new laws that will only serve to benefit the people of Massachusetts and allow me to continue living the high life. These four monumental laws will henceforth become known as the Patrick Articles of Making Sure.
Amendment Article I: The Governor of the Commonwealth shall be elected by a majority of votes and shall serve a term no greater than 4 years, unless said Governor is a Republican whereas the term shall be no greater than 4 weeks.
Amendment Article II: An incumbent Democrat governor shall have the authority to cancel a gubernatorial election if it looks like he/she might lose to a Republican. The election shall be rescheduled once enough Democrat votes have been solicited from Ireland and local cemeteries and morgues.
Amendment Article III: I propose that all special elections be considered emergencies and that the winner shall be determined by a Rock – Paper – Scissors contest on the steps of the statehouse.
Amendment Article IV: Any sitting governor who has had hip replacement surgery shall be driven around the state in a big fat, gas guzzling SUV for his comfort.
Thank you for your blind loyalty to the party and remember - Follow the Yellow Brick Road for it shall lead you to the great and powerful Me.
Your Eminence Deval Patrick
(shhh... obviously this is a phony letter - the real Governor does not really think Curt Schilling is worse than Charles Manson. Plus, he cannot spell Eminence)
PS… Please do your part and boycott any and all events at the local Hyatt hotels, who had the nerve to lay off 100 housekeepers this week. Do they not know that I need these people to vote for me so I will stand up for them? Oh, and pay no attention to the news that my administration has laid off thousands of state employees over the past 9 months. I HAD to do that in order to pay for my gas guzzling SUV.