Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sheen Report Says Swine Flu is George Bush's Fault.

With H1N1 influenza fears in the United States spreading faster than a California wildfire, reports coming out of Washington and the newly formed Department of Past Eight Years, have linked the outbreak of the Swine Flu with the ineffective policies of the previous administration. “The reasons the H1N1 vaccine is still not available can be traced all the way back to George Bush doing nothing to fix the levies in New Orleans,” said Charles Sheen, Field Operations Director of D.O.P.E.Y. “We are pretty sure the dude working on the vaccine in a rundown voodoo parlor on Bourbon Street was washed away when Katrina made landfall in August 2005.” The Sheen Commission Report, released yesterday, comes while the nation continues to shit their collective pants in fear over the spread of the deadliest pandemic since the dreaded Bird Flu of 2007 and that other illness that started in China that I forget the name of. The report lays blame on the Bush Administration and its object failure in stopping the hurricane. “George Bush could have done something to keep Hurricane Katrina from reaching New Orleans. He could have used taxpayer money to build a 10 mile high wall along the coast or perhaps he could have ordered NASA to fire a rocket into the eye of the storm. But he just allowed the hurricane to come ashore and murder hundreds of innocent people.” According to D.O.P.E.Y., work on the vaccine had to start all over again. The Sheen Report details the work of the B. Hussein Obama administration in expediting the availability of the vaccine. “President Obama himself has spent the past many weeks in the lab with Asst. Surgeon General, Dr. Oz, developing an even stronger vaccine,” states Sheen, “Our President is a man of the people who can do everything. He even plays basketball and one time, he tried to quit smoking. And let’s not forget that his wife shops at J.Crew.”

Aside from the Sheen Report, experts are also warning the general public of additional fallout from the H1N1 pandemic. Environmentalists have declared that if the Swine Flu is not contained quickly, the heat generated from millions of high fevers could double or even triple the pace of global warming and there is a real possibility that the polar icecap will become a puddle of ginormous proportions and that the ozone layer will cease to exist as we know it today. Additionally, there is evidence that drilling in Alaska could cause the Swine Flu to likely mutate into the more destructive strain of Caribou Flu, said to be more lethal than a bowl Jim Jones fruit punch.

All is not lost, however. Susan Sarandon, President Obama’s Secretary of Public Appearances, in a Fox-Free press conference this morning, offered a glimmer of hope for Americans. “The President has spent countless hours in discussions with the flu and is confident that his tactics of diplomacy will prevail for the good of all Americans. He has apologized to the flu for the long history of transgressions made by Americans against the flu. For the past eight years, this country has treated the flu as an enemy of the people, attacking its various strains without provocation or so much as an attempt to sit around the table and talk it out." Sarandon went on to say, "The USA-H1N1 Treaty includes a provision that if the President’s health care reform package passes, the vaccine will become immediately available and the H1N1 will back down on its assault on the helpless lower and middle class America. According to the treaty, the flu will be allowed to target the wealthy upper class, with the exception of agreed upon safe zones of Hollywood and Washington, DC."

Americans are reminded of the two failproof methods to avoid catching the flu: Wash your hands after picking your nose and most importantly, do not watch Fox news or listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Friday, October 9, 2009

ACORN Hijacks the Nobel Prize Committee

It’s Friday afternoon, just getting to the lunch hour. I am sitting at my desk and Johnny Cash’s Tennessee Flattop Box is blaring on my radio, most likely pissing off anyone within earshot of my desk. My mood can be described best as typically Friday – I got my head a bobbin around to the rhythm of the guitar, in full white dude style (you know, with my lower lip held firmly in the grasp of my teeth and eyes squinted down to dime slots). With my fingers and thumbs rapping away on my desk with all the deftness of a world class dashboard drummer, I impress myself with my musical talents. My setup is perfect- a cymbal crash on my stainless steel To Go cup and a stack of to be filed paperwork doubling as a snare drum. I gotta tell you, were it not for my incredibly successful career as a social worker interrupting my path to percussion greatness, I could be a household name by now. Yet suddenly the need to vent washes over me – like the newspaper opinion writer wannabe that I am.

The Obama Entertainment Network is reporting this morning that sources are indicating that President Barack Obama is the leading candidate to capture Major League Baseball's American League MVP award, recognizing his achievements this year as a really big White Sox fan. The award will be announced in a press conference early next week in which the President plans to attend. Following his acceptance speech, which will be aired on all 4 major networks and broadcast over every elevator speaker and school intercom system in the free world, the President will host a black tie Ain’t I Great dinner in his home town of Chicago and then do a 1 on 1 exclusive ass-sucking interview with Oprah Winfrey. The interview will be followed by a free concert in Wrigley Stadium (Pete Seeger and Kanye West headlining) and a wicked cool fireworks show. This announcement comes as the world is still reeling from the surprising news that the President had also been awarded the 2009 Nobel Prize for Peace for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.” The 5 member prize committee, with first year members and admitted FOBs (Fans Of Barack) Sean Penn, Chris Matthews and Iran’s President Imadidabadthing, has attached special importance to “Obama’s vision of and work for a world without nuclear weapons.” (KENNY MOMENT: Um, are there not TWO countries currently thumbing their collective noses and mooning the President with their nuclear missile programs?) Isn’t that like giving an aeronautics award to Amelia Earhart for her efforts in trying to fly around the world? Nice try, but….

We interrupt this breaking news with even more important breaking news! At 7:30 this morning, the United States, under the cover of darkness, launched a full out surprise attack on the Moon. With precise military precision, a US made rocket slammed into the surface of the Moon, leaving a hole the size of Ted Kennedy’s head and sending up a 6 mile high plume of cheese that experts report could be seen with the naked eye from the really high hills in Poughkeepsie, NY. (heehee, I said "naked") Military sources have said that “Operation Wastemoney” became necessary following years of futile negotiations with the Moon leaders. “We have been trying unsuccessfully to locate people on the Moon since 1969 and they just won’t come out and talk with us,” said Captain Sherman Morgan, Operations Commander. “We know they are hiding the water on us and we had no other choice but to blow a really big hole in the ground," Captain Morgan went on to say. (did ya see what I did there? Captain Morgan? Oh, I fukkin crack myself up) A full briefing will be held later this afternoon where plans to invade the North Star are expected to be disclosed as a joint operation to spend even more money for no good reason at all.

According to White House sources (not really, you know this is just a phony news report, right), President Obama plans to attend the Nobel Award Ceremony on December 10th in Norway, kicking off a whirlwind two months of award stealing… oops, I mean award receiving. The following week, he is scheduled to accept the Heisman Trophy for his vision of being a football player. Two months later, he will be on hand in Los Angeles to accept the Oscar for Best Leading Actor. It cannot get ANY better than this, my friends.

And now for the serious bitching about this sham!! Alfred Nobel, in his will, ordered that the Nobel Awards were to recognize achievements made during the previous year. The deadline for nominations this year was a mere TWO WEEKS after Obama took office. In other words, the 2009 awards are to be reflective of achievements in 2008. In 2008, Obama was merely running for President. I guess he won the award based on campaign promises and well-organized communities. It appears to me that ACORN has used its economic stimulus money to hijack the Nobel Award Committee. Honestly, tho, the entire world should have ceased giving a rats ass about this award when Al Fatbody Gore was recognized by the Nobel Committee for his work in making a fucking slideshow on global warming! That year, he won the award over Irena Sendler. Google her name and then tell me how that piece of shit who could not even win enough votes in his home state of Tennesse could be named over this true heroine of peace!! Fuk ‘em all!!!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Boston Sports... Lovin It!!!

Giddy up Go… In a good mood this morning thanks to my Boston teams and the respective ass whoopings they dealt out this weekend. Thinking it is time to evaluate some of the home town boys and git after it… (apologies to Sox and Celtics for the omission, but you guys bore me right now).

I don’t know about any of you, but I’m thinking the Bruins may be the toughest bunch of fukkers on skates this year. Saturday night, our boys in Black and Gold took a can of whoop ass, cracked the seal and proceeded to empty the contents all over the Carolina Sissyboys. They then stuffed the empty can up their collective “Ouch! Quit Hitting Me” asses. The ‘canes spent the entire game in full turtle mode as they shrunk away from Lucic, Thornton and the boys like a certain George Kostanza body part (I was in the pool! I was in the pool!!!). By the way, does Lucic know exactly where to hit or what? He seems to draw more blood than a vampire on a drinking binge.

Ahh... my Pats!!! I am pumped that they are starting to look the part once again. Yesterday’s win over Baltimore was heeeeeyuge and ol Tommy Boy is getting better each week. A major highlight for me yesterday was the Randy Moss press conference following the game when he spent his time on the mic talking about the importance of breast cancer awareness (Screw all of you arses who want to hold on to his past – this guy has been nothing but a class act since getting here and he is quickly becoming my favorite). I loved watching Brady get in the faces of his offensive line to fire them up. Yeah, Matt “Which Way Did He Go?” Light looked rather silly when Terrell Suggs blew past him faster than two foxes fucking in a forest fire (filthy analogy courtesy of Mojo Nixon). But come on – Brady had not been sacked for two games before yesterday while Light was facing the likes of John Abraham and Shaun Ellis. Give the guy a freakin break!!

From the Division of Bitching & Moaning
(you knew I was gonna bitch about something, right?): I am always the first to say that whatever Bill Belichick does must be right. But I gotta tell you, Laurence Maroney must have some high quality pictures of Belichick in various stages of sheep love because nothing else could explain why this stutter stepping, stop and go horror show continues to carry the ball. I mean hell – at this rate, the Baloney Maroney will be the newest dance craze at all the hip hop clubs around Boston. If I was in charge of the depth chart (and I should be, damn it!), Maroney would be the sixth running back on this roster, behind Fred Taylor, Sammy “The Bull” Morris, Kevin “I’ve Got Your First Down Right Here” Faulk, BenJarvus Whatzhizname, and Vince “Where’s the Buffett” Wilfork. Yep, ol' Big Vince would be more dangerous carrying the ball. Seriously, I have two words for Maroney’s value to this team - Zee Ro! Fred Taylor ran the ball last week for 120 yards or something, yet he gets the ball just twice yesterday? Geez, Coach, I sure hope that sheep was worth it!

***Missing Person Alert: Joseph “Joey” “Greybeard” Galloway***

Last Seen – Gillette Stadium, Foxboro, MA on September 27th, 2009 wearing a sad face and a white I Hate Tom Brady tshirt, carrying a Patriots playbook, muttering to himself “I will stay inbounds. I will stay inbounds. Good God almighty I will stay inbounds.” A spitting image of Grady Wilson from Sanford & Son, Galloway should be easy to spot in a crowd with his graying facial hair, arthritic knuckles and creaking knees.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Oh No... Not Isolation!!!

October has arrivedthis must be so because my nipples just about burst through my pjs this morning. I woke up much like every Friday morning, looking forward to a quick day at work and then a football game tonight, with a few happy hour beers sandwiched in between. And what could make a day feel even better than spending a few moments ranting and raving on my favorite topic…

Before you read any further, you should know that I have had a change of heart… Made clear to me this week was that President Obama really is a tough guy in the area of foreign policy. Why, just this week, he puffed up his chest and threatened that big scary Iran to simmer down with their nuke program or else they would have to face “increased pressure and isolation.” Whoa!!! Back dah fukk up for a minute! Not isolation!! NOT THAT!!!! The very thought has GOT to have President ImADidAJob shaking in his Bin Laden themed thong, right? Haa haa haa… I don’t fukkin think so. Wouldn’t you have loved to been among the hundreds of flies in his beard when Ahmanamadingdong heard that threat? I’m not positive, but I’m guessing it was not exactly the sounds of panic running through the room; more like the sounds of some big shot Iranians pissing in their khakis with laughter. Gimme a fahkin break man!!! And if isolation and pressure does not work, what will the next step be? Step on some cracks and break his mommy’s back? Take away his 7-11 or revoke his cabbie license? Hey, I will be the first to admit that further pressure could in fact work…as long as that pressure comes in the form of an American made warhead that can reduce that wasteland of a nation to a Rhode Island sized parking lot.

This is not the only hiccup for President Barack Hussein Obama this week. General Stanley McChrystal, the NATO commander in charge of the effort in Afghanistan has made a case that a troop surge in Afghanistan is badly needed to keep this middle-east nation from falling to the Taliban. (Personally, I would favor the exact opposite stance – bring our men and women home and leave that nation to its own peril.) In his typical, I gots little balls and cannot think on my own style, Obie wants a few weeks to think about it. Fine, maybe he wants to hear more from the General. But yesterday, the Democrats in the Senate voted on a motion that will keep General McChrystal from testifying before them until AFTER the President decides what to do. Yeah, why bother listening to the guy who is actually over there fighting the fukkin war? That makes good fukkin sense!! But that’s all okay because we have a feel good story coming from the White House too.

Yesterday, in Denmark, the Obamas returned to what they do best… and America’s first couple has brought Community Organization to a whole new level. Obviously Michelle Obama is proud of the United States this week as she and her hubby have hopped over to Copenhagen, along with Oprah, to beg the Olympic committee to award the 2016 Olympics to the city of Chicago. Yeah, that would be cool – having the entire world descend upon Chicago for two weeks, in the middle of the summer, during an election year. Talk about a windfall for Acorn – can you just imagine how many new voters they can round up with the entire world hanging out in their backyard? And Oprah’s role? Bet your life that the world’s second largest ego (sorry, but Bono has her beat by a fukkin mile) will somehow turn the famous Olympic rings into 5 capital O’s, in honor of her magazine covers. By the way, I saw some video of Oprah strolling around the streets of the Danish city. Holy total eclipse, Batman! Two laps around her waistline and you have your marathon course!!

And since I have wound my way on to shitting on Hollywood, I might as well toss that nutjob Whoopi Goldberg under the 4X4 mudtires as well. Roman Polanski, that perverted child raping fugitive from justice, finally fukked up and got himself cuffed in Switzerland… (who says Switzerland is only good for cheese, army knives and hot blondes?). And as a result, we are treated once again to the despicable lows to which Hollywood celebrities will stoop in order to look like empty headed buffoons. A small group of these assholes actually have signed a petition speaking out against the arrest and the extradition and demanding his release. (
STORY HERE) The ridiculous reasons they cite include: “it was a long time ago” or “he’s old” or “he has already served his time by being in exile.” Well, if those reasons were not bad enough, that mopheadded, sunglass wearing blowhard Goldberg actually had the balls (and yes, I am pretty sure she’s got a set down there) to say, and I quote, “I know it wasn't rape-rape. It was something else but I don't believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and when they let him out he was like ‘You know what this guy's going to give me a hundred years in jail I'm not staying, so that's why he left.’” So drugging a 13 year old girl and having sex with her unconscious body is okay, because, like, it’s not like, you know, like, rape-rape. It’s just kinda like a little rape but living the high life in France and Poland is like, jail-jail. Here’s hoping someone takes a big shit-shit on Whoopi’s face-face to wake her the fuck up-up!!!!