Friday, October 9, 2009

ACORN Hijacks the Nobel Prize Committee

It’s Friday afternoon, just getting to the lunch hour. I am sitting at my desk and Johnny Cash’s Tennessee Flattop Box is blaring on my radio, most likely pissing off anyone within earshot of my desk. My mood can be described best as typically Friday – I got my head a bobbin around to the rhythm of the guitar, in full white dude style (you know, with my lower lip held firmly in the grasp of my teeth and eyes squinted down to dime slots). With my fingers and thumbs rapping away on my desk with all the deftness of a world class dashboard drummer, I impress myself with my musical talents. My setup is perfect- a cymbal crash on my stainless steel To Go cup and a stack of to be filed paperwork doubling as a snare drum. I gotta tell you, were it not for my incredibly successful career as a social worker interrupting my path to percussion greatness, I could be a household name by now. Yet suddenly the need to vent washes over me – like the newspaper opinion writer wannabe that I am.

BREAKING NEWS:
The Obama Entertainment Network is reporting this morning that sources are indicating that President Barack Obama is the leading candidate to capture Major League Baseball's American League MVP award, recognizing his achievements this year as a really big White Sox fan. The award will be announced in a press conference early next week in which the President plans to attend. Following his acceptance speech, which will be aired on all 4 major networks and broadcast over every elevator speaker and school intercom system in the free world, the President will host a black tie Ain’t I Great dinner in his home town of Chicago and then do a 1 on 1 exclusive ass-sucking interview with Oprah Winfrey. The interview will be followed by a free concert in Wrigley Stadium (Pete Seeger and Kanye West headlining) and a wicked cool fireworks show. This announcement comes as the world is still reeling from the surprising news that the President had also been awarded the 2009 Nobel Prize for Peace for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.” The 5 member prize committee, with first year members and admitted FOBs (Fans Of Barack) Sean Penn, Chris Matthews and Iran’s President Imadidabadthing, has attached special importance to “Obama’s vision of and work for a world without nuclear weapons.” (KENNY MOMENT: Um, are there not TWO countries currently thumbing their collective noses and mooning the President with their nuclear missile programs?) Isn’t that like giving an aeronautics award to Amelia Earhart for her efforts in trying to fly around the world? Nice try, but….

EVEN MORE BREAKING NEWS:
We interrupt this breaking news with even more important breaking news! At 7:30 this morning, the United States, under the cover of darkness, launched a full out surprise attack on the Moon. With precise military precision, a US made rocket slammed into the surface of the Moon, leaving a hole the size of Ted Kennedy’s head and sending up a 6 mile high plume of cheese that experts report could be seen with the naked eye from the really high hills in Poughkeepsie, NY. (heehee, I said "naked") Military sources have said that “Operation Wastemoney” became necessary following years of futile negotiations with the Moon leaders. “We have been trying unsuccessfully to locate people on the Moon since 1969 and they just won’t come out and talk with us,” said Captain Sherman Morgan, Operations Commander. “We know they are hiding the water on us and we had no other choice but to blow a really big hole in the ground," Captain Morgan went on to say. (did ya see what I did there? Captain Morgan? Oh, I fukkin crack myself up) A full briefing will be held later this afternoon where plans to invade the North Star are expected to be disclosed as a joint operation to spend even more money for no good reason at all.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE PREVIOUS BREAKING NEWS ALREADY IN PROGRESS:
According to White House sources (not really, you know this is just a phony news report, right), President Obama plans to attend the Nobel Award Ceremony on December 10th in Norway, kicking off a whirlwind two months of award stealing… oops, I mean award receiving. The following week, he is scheduled to accept the Heisman Trophy for his vision of being a football player. Two months later, he will be on hand in Los Angeles to accept the Oscar for Best Leading Actor. It cannot get ANY better than this, my friends.

And now for the serious bitching about this sham!! Alfred Nobel, in his will, ordered that the Nobel Awards were to recognize achievements made during the previous year. The deadline for nominations this year was a mere TWO WEEKS after Obama took office. In other words, the 2009 awards are to be reflective of achievements in 2008. In 2008, Obama was merely running for President. I guess he won the award based on campaign promises and well-organized communities. It appears to me that ACORN has used its economic stimulus money to hijack the Nobel Award Committee. Honestly, tho, the entire world should have ceased giving a rats ass about this award when Al Fatbody Gore was recognized by the Nobel Committee for his work in making a fucking slideshow on global warming! That year, he won the award over Irena Sendler. Google her name and then tell me how that piece of shit who could not even win enough votes in his home state of Tennesse could be named over this true heroine of peace!! Fuk ‘em all!!!

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