Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sheen Report Says Swine Flu is George Bush's Fault.

With H1N1 influenza fears in the United States spreading faster than a California wildfire, reports coming out of Washington and the newly formed Department of Past Eight Years, have linked the outbreak of the Swine Flu with the ineffective policies of the previous administration. “The reasons the H1N1 vaccine is still not available can be traced all the way back to George Bush doing nothing to fix the levies in New Orleans,” said Charles Sheen, Field Operations Director of D.O.P.E.Y. “We are pretty sure the dude working on the vaccine in a rundown voodoo parlor on Bourbon Street was washed away when Katrina made landfall in August 2005.” The Sheen Commission Report, released yesterday, comes while the nation continues to shit their collective pants in fear over the spread of the deadliest pandemic since the dreaded Bird Flu of 2007 and that other illness that started in China that I forget the name of. The report lays blame on the Bush Administration and its object failure in stopping the hurricane. “George Bush could have done something to keep Hurricane Katrina from reaching New Orleans. He could have used taxpayer money to build a 10 mile high wall along the coast or perhaps he could have ordered NASA to fire a rocket into the eye of the storm. But he just allowed the hurricane to come ashore and murder hundreds of innocent people.” According to D.O.P.E.Y., work on the vaccine had to start all over again. The Sheen Report details the work of the B. Hussein Obama administration in expediting the availability of the vaccine. “President Obama himself has spent the past many weeks in the lab with Asst. Surgeon General, Dr. Oz, developing an even stronger vaccine,” states Sheen, “Our President is a man of the people who can do everything. He even plays basketball and one time, he tried to quit smoking. And let’s not forget that his wife shops at J.Crew.”

Aside from the Sheen Report, experts are also warning the general public of additional fallout from the H1N1 pandemic. Environmentalists have declared that if the Swine Flu is not contained quickly, the heat generated from millions of high fevers could double or even triple the pace of global warming and there is a real possibility that the polar icecap will become a puddle of ginormous proportions and that the ozone layer will cease to exist as we know it today. Additionally, there is evidence that drilling in Alaska could cause the Swine Flu to likely mutate into the more destructive strain of Caribou Flu, said to be more lethal than a bowl Jim Jones fruit punch.

All is not lost, however. Susan Sarandon, President Obama’s Secretary of Public Appearances, in a Fox-Free press conference this morning, offered a glimmer of hope for Americans. “The President has spent countless hours in discussions with the flu and is confident that his tactics of diplomacy will prevail for the good of all Americans. He has apologized to the flu for the long history of transgressions made by Americans against the flu. For the past eight years, this country has treated the flu as an enemy of the people, attacking its various strains without provocation or so much as an attempt to sit around the table and talk it out." Sarandon went on to say, "The USA-H1N1 Treaty includes a provision that if the President’s health care reform package passes, the vaccine will become immediately available and the H1N1 will back down on its assault on the helpless lower and middle class America. According to the treaty, the flu will be allowed to target the wealthy upper class, with the exception of agreed upon safe zones of Hollywood and Washington, DC."

Americans are reminded of the two failproof methods to avoid catching the flu: Wash your hands after picking your nose and most importantly, do not watch Fox news or listen to Rush Limbaugh.

1 comment: