Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Ahhhh… Thanksgiving! That time of year to be with family and friends, to strap on the feed bag and chow down like Augustus Gloop at an all-you-can-eat buffett. A time for pickling the liver and drinking more than Teddy Kennedy at an open bar. Thanksgiving is a time for 8am beers and free tavern breakfasts (can’t beat runny scrambled eggs, burnt toast and uncooked home fries washed down with a cold Budweiser). It is a time for quality high school football at 10am and shitful NFL games the rest of the day (Come on, do we REALLY have to watch the fahkin’ Cowboys and Lions every fahkin year?). Thanksgiving is a time sneaking into the kitchen to steal some turkey skin before dinner is served and for throwing dinner rolls across the room when someone says “Pass the rolls.” It is a time for making excuses for younger brothers who are passed out upstairs because of too many 8am beers and it is a time for doing Prairie Fire shots with friends (First one to take a beer chaser is a pussy!).
But above all, it is a time for the ENTIRE family to be together – and this year we will be doing it right!!!
As long as I can remember, the fourth Thursday of every November has been my favorite day of the year. I think I can trace it back to that first Thanksgiving dinner when I learned that my grandfather, he of the bottle of Black Label and shot of Canadian Club, had more comic talent than Richard Pryor when he WAS on crack. Every year, without fail, Grampy would pick up one of those small boiled onions that my mother would make just for him. He would give the onion a squeeze until the center would protrude out in a way that would look like.. well….use your imagination. Put it this way, to this day, a bowl of boiled onions on our Thanksgiving table is still called a bowl of “little dickies.” Every year, he would perform the same trick that would make his two adolescent grandsons laugh our asses off and cause us to worship him more every year. Yeah, Grampy was one of a kind!
Thanksgiving is also a time for saying prayers over our food. I know it's hard to believe, but for the other 364 days, I stuff my face with reckless abandon with food and drink that has been unblessed by the hands of God - and sometimes that food is really freakin good! Thanksgiving grace in our family is handled by my brother-in-law, Deacon Roland. Yep, that’s right – our family brings in a professional to handle grace – trust me, we need all the experts and direct lines we can get. I will say that Roland has never been able to get through a Thanksgiving grace without someone (ahem… Kimberly and Andrew..) giggling and snorting like someone had just farted in church. Last year, Roland said his Thanksgiving prayers in Floriday with Mickey and Minnie. That left us to our own devices for the pre-meal ritual. Check it out....
Thanksgiving also used to be the day when it became acceptable for radio stations to play Christmas music. But now that that day has been pushed back to November fahkin First, the only remaining musical significance of the holiday is the hourly playing of Alice’s Restaurant on local radio stations. Because there really are no songs about eating turkey with Pilgrims and Indians, we get nineteen minutes of quirky guitar and folksy speech from Arlo Guthrie about war and peace and garbage and call it a Thanksgiving song. Hmmm… whatever
So Happy Thanksgiving to you all – enjoy your 8am beers, your morning football games, your turkey, your little dickies and most of all, your family!! See you on the other side…. This dumb ass might actually do the Black Friday thing… swore I never would… but I’m afraid I might… somebody fahkin’ shoot me please.
That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie.
Friday, November 20, 2009
With the toilet party over, the Wayback Machine shot my ass back to 42 with just two days to go before the big 43. I hear people all the time fret about turning another year older. Foreign to me is the notion that another birthday is cause for depression and denial. I actually look forward to turning 43 - mainly because I have no choice and it certainly beats the alternative.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tis the season to be jolly… but you just better not be Christian! I ain’t no bible thumper and the closest I get to church these days is watching Clay, Opie and their brothers sit around that redwood table on Tuesday nights.
So, can someone please tell me exactly what it is about Christmas that is offensive? No, seriously… what the fuck is it about a tree decorated with lights, tinsel and a plastic angel that makes your skin crawl? And why does a doll laying on a bed of hay in the town common piss you off so much that you call the mayor and demand to have it removed? Seriously, are you worried that the camels might piss on your town lawn (they are not real camels, you dumb shit)? Or do you really think that your precious little over-protected politically-corrected child might see a manger scene and be scarred for life, afraid that the Christians are coming, the Christians are coming?
No I am serious… answer these fukkin questions!!! What is it about “Merry Christmas” that sounds like “Go to hell – my religion kicks ass and you suck!” Wishing good Yule tidings is neither an insult nor a recruitment tactic… I am not trying to rope you into my church or brainwash your kids into becoming Santa lovers. (BTW, your kids already love Santa – neener neener neener). Merry Christmas means… um… Merry Christmas. Much like raising a drink to all the non-Irish out there on St. Patrick’s Day, it is simply about pleasantries. So Merry Christmas Assholes!
This year, a local school has made headlines because they have issued rules for their “Holiday Gift Shop” that prohibits, yep…. HOLIDAY themed items! I shit you not!!! Isn’t that like opening up a bait shop that does not sell bait? Among the items listed that are prohibited are candy canes (they could be sharpened into deadly weapons, you know) and red and green tissue paper (obviously, red and green are Christmas colors). I have a suggestion to any parent who has the balls to be pissed about this… don’t give them one red cent or any of your green money.
Many loud mouths out there trying to shut down Christmas like to preach about Separation of Church and State…. I am so bullshit and tired of hearing people yammer on about that as if that phrase were really in the Constitution. Time for all of you to actually do a little learning… or let me save you some time- That phrase is NOWHERE in our Constitution: Regarding religion, the First Amendment states very clearly that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...” So, in fact, it is UNCONSTITUTIONAL to tell people that they cannot exercise their beliefs freely. By the way, those people who want to keep candy canes and Santas out of schools are the same politically correct asshats telling us that we must show tolerance and allow Muslims to practice their faith wherever and whenever they need. So, Muslims, Jews, Pagans and Muppets – feel free to worship and celebrate… but to you Christians, keep your shit to yourself and inside your own home!!
I’m done ranting for now. It is time to start a campaign to get rid of Thanksgiving – I mean, isn’t Thanksgiving an insult to all the people out there who are NOT thankful? And while we are at it, we should also start discussions about Birthdays. Saying Happy Birthday should no longer be allowed in schools and workplaces for fear of excluding the sad and those who were never born. We can talk next week about how Friday is offensive to onion rings.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Chris will be strapping on the pads tonight for a first round playoff game with Alvirne against Bishop Guertin. He and his boys have their work cut out for them - they lost to BG two weeks ago by a score of 48-0. That is not a mark against Alvirne as much as it is a statement on BG. They have not lost this year, winning 10 games by an average of 38 points per game. So the outlook is freakin' bleak to say the least. But as I told Chris, the table is set for the biggest upset in NH high school sports history. However, a win will also mean another week of handling and washing his practice gear - a task that has brought his mother to dry heaves and his father to tears.
Oh... before I forget - Jessica will be driving on the roads in a month. We broke the law a "little" bit the other day when I let her drive home from Taylor's house (around the block)... luckily, she gets the whole gas pedal on the right, brake on the left. What she doesn't get is the steering wheel and its functionality. So, a few near misses with mailboxes and a terrified skateboarder later, we have decided to keep her practice sessions to empty parking lots and XBox games. If you live anywhere near Hudson, I strongly recommend you upping your collision insurance.
Today I announce a tie for first place in the Loser of the Month Club:
The awards go to Nidal Malik Hasan and Tarek Mahanna. Since there is only one trophy, Nidal and Tarek have agreed to beat the shit out themselves with it until they are both dead and on the escalator to 72 Virgin Lane.
This first rant is really against Political Correctness - Let's think for a moment about Fort Hood, Texas and the Army Major who decided it was time to shoot up some Americans in the name of Allah. Did I spell that correctly? Oh wait a minute - that's right... I don't give a rat's ass. PS... that does not make me a racist or a hate monger - it simply means that I don't care if I spell the word for someone else's God correctly. In case you started to drift that way. Nidal Malik Hasan spent months online commuincating with Jihadist websites and Al Qaeda recruiters. He had business cards calling himself a Soldier of Allah. And the FBI was aware of all of this. But the government did nothing about it, most likely because the halestorm that would have surely followed, accusations of profiling and discrimination against Muslims. Um... near as I can tell, that would be like calling the arrest of Jeffrey Dahmer discrimination against people named Jeffrey. By the way, just to make myself clear: I am all in favor of discrimination against people plotting to destroy my country. I don't care if they are Muslim or Christian or Democrats or fukkin Fraggle Rock puppets. The liberally slanted media has jumped on board also and I heard this morning that society was gripped with "Islamaphobia." NO FUKKIN WAY ASSHOLES! This is not Islamaphobia... I call it "nutjobbomberphobia"... it's not new - has been around since the Revolutionary War. Chris "I'd Bang Obama If Michelle Would Let Me" Matthews actually had the balls to suggest that Hasan "calling up Al Qaeda" was not a crime. Um... an Army Major contacting the enemy IS A FUCKING CRIME YOU POMPOUS PRICK! It's called treason! I actually had an argument with some shithead small town politician last week about this. He asked me if the "many years of Hasan's honorable service to our country means nothing to me." Heehee... what do you think my answer to that was? Give you a hint - it included a few F bombs! He also suggested that Hassan's "shrink" is to blame for his suicide by MP because of his failure to treat his PTSD!! I shit you not - in this idiot's mind, Nidal Malik Hasan's brutal murdering spree in the name of Allah is explained away by a psychiatrist's lapse.
Side note: Not only did Hasan survive being shot, he now gets to wake up and find out that a woman filled his traitor ass with holes and ended his mission for Allah. Not only does he lose out on the virgins, his personal Jihad was cut short by a woman! Now if you want to define Poetic Justice, you can start there.
What's the other "No Virgins For You" story?
The "American" from Sudbury, MA who is being held charged with conspiracy to commit terrorist acts (by the way, his name is NOT John Smith) is being asked to be released on bail. This idiot and two other like minded shitheads had plans to enter terrorist training camps in the Middle East but that did not work out. Guess even the terrorists have rules about flat feet. So their Plan B was the murder of two members of the executive branch or to "shoot up mall shoppers." Guess they were trying to impress the Grand Poobah in charge of terrorist training camps. There is plenty of evidence that this asshat would have gone forward with his plans had he not been stopped. Yet, there they were - protesters outside the courthouse yesterday wearing shirts demanding Tarek Mahanna (which roughly translated means "They kicked me out of terrorist school because I'm from Sudbury") be released. His attorneys are actually saying he should be released on bail because he is an "unfit terrorist"... I'm telling you I can not make this shit up. Will it never end?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Start spreading the news… I’m puking today. Don’t say it… don’t say it… OH FUCK – John Sterling said it! And then Frank Sinatra sang it. Billy Crystal went swinging from Ronan Tynan’s ears. Kate Hudson started counting her World Series share and ARod gave Jeter a championship handy and the happy ending he’s been praying for since 2000. Those self-promoting pinstripe wearing millionaires ruined my Novembah last night when Petey Martinez took the hill at Yankee Stadium, gift wrapped a few beachballs for Hideki Matsushi and couldn’t make it to the 5th inning. After 5, the score was 7-1 and there was nothing left but the locker room bukaki party! I know, complaining about the Yanks is petty and childish. So I’m petty and childish… no shit! It’s about time you figured that out.
If you are a Yankee fan reading this drivel, log off and get your ass to the parade… the Canyon of Heroes is one asshole short and they are wondering where you are. By now, you may have gathered that I am a Sox fan. So, of course I hate the Yankees as much as, if not more than, I love my BoSox. But I am not going to hide behind anything here. I could give a shit less about how much money the Yankees spent. That’s a lame excuse here in Boston, because we all know that if the Sox could spend it, they would. Hell, I would have no problem if the Sox got into gun running with SAMCRO if it were to bring in enough money to compete with the Yanks payroll (Sons of Anarchy fans out there?). The crux of my hatred is born from years of watching those assholes ALMOST always beat my team. Behind years of listening to Yankee fans bullshit about rings, 1918 and Bucky Fuckin Dent, blah fukkin blah, you can easily understand why we like to chant “Yankees Suck” everywhere we go - from Patriots games to baptisms. We Sox fans have a but a few good memories and we will NEVAH EVAH let them go … ahem… choke on a 3-0 series lead you dickheads?... Now don’t go gettin your Reggie Jackson panties in a bunch about that reference. I know it was 5 years ago and I also know that Yankee fans have elected to dismiss that classic collapse as “ancient history.” But if those dillweeds wanna go the “what have you done for me lately?” route, then they are gonna have to shove their “Got Rings” tshirts up their collective Bronx asses. Um… 26 of those rings are “ancient history.”
I bristle at everything Yankee. I just do. When a fellow Sox fan (or worse, a Yankee fan) tries to tell me that I have to like Derek Jeter, I always respond with a big fat “Fuck that!!” What is there to like about him? He is a Yankee, has more rings than any Red Sox player and spends his nights banging hot chicks! Jeter can take his 5 rings and go to hell – he’s a douche! From Monument Park to the Home & Garden white fence ringing the top of their stadium; From Ronan Tynan’s enormous fucking ears (he can communicate with Mars with those freakin' satellite dish hat hangers) to John Sterling’s tired old saying; from Babe Fuckin Ruth to CC Safuckinbathia, the Yankees fahkin SUCK!!!
As if I needed any more fuel, those Bronx Bombers raised the obnoxious coefficient to a mind-blowing new level after their win last night. AFraud was shown sobbing harder than Brett Favre at a retirement party, as if someone just shattered his full length mirror! Oh fukkin please you prick!! Get over yourself! ARod’s playoff performance will never erase the image of him making out with his own reflection or throwing his “cousin” under the bus in the “I thought they were tic tacs” steroid scandal. And how about Mark Teixeira letting us all know that God is a Yankee fan?
“I’ve been so faithful this entire time, in my entire career, and just been prayin, prayin, prayin to lead me in the right direction and, a, God didn’t let me down. He led me here and this is unbelievable.”
So, this asshat is trying to tell us that God decided he would root for the Yankees this year and not the Phillies? Someone had better dope slap this moron and remind him that it was the $180 million smackeroos that led him to the Bronx. Wait a minute – maybe it was God signed the fukkin check! My apologies Mark. Whadda douche!
As I said, I do not make excuses… I know the Yankees are the best team in baseball this year! That cannot be denied. What also cannot be denied is that we Sox fans not only have the right to hate the Yankees, we have the responsibility to hate them with all of our Chowdah eatin’ hearts. Speaking of which, New England clam chowder is way fukkin better than Manhattan clam chowder. Ya just can’t have red chowder…. So in a sense – WE WIN!!!! Neener neener neener assholes!!!