Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Merry Christmas and Shaddupayooface!

It is now Day 3 since 4th and 2 and I have started to settle down. It was just a coaching decision…. Time to fuhget about it. On to more pressing matters –

Tis the season to be jolly… but you just better not be Christian! I ain’t no bible thumper and the closest I get to church these days is watching Clay, Opie and their brothers sit around that redwood table on Tuesday nights. So my argument has nothing to with whether or not Christ is my savior or if 3 wise men on camels really did schlep through the desert following a star for days just to get to a birthday party in a barn. My argument is about calling out all of the assholes who have decided to make it their mission to destroy MY holiday and MY traditions. Hell, as a state employee, I’ve already lost Bunker Hill Day and Evacuation Day… I must protect Christmas!!!

So, can someone please tell me exactly what it is about Christmas that is offensive? No, seriously… what the fuck is it about a tree decorated with lights, tinsel and a plastic angel that makes your skin crawl? And why does a doll laying on a bed of hay in the town common piss you off so much that you call the mayor and demand to have it removed? Seriously, are you worried that the camels might piss on your town lawn (they are not real camels, you dumb shit)? Or do you really think that your precious little over-protected politically-corrected child might see a manger scene and be scarred for life, afraid that the Christians are coming, the Christians are coming?

No I am serious… answer these fukkin questions!!! What is it about “Merry Christmas” that sounds like “Go to hell – my religion kicks ass and you suck!” Wishing good Yule tidings is neither an insult nor a recruitment tactic… I am not trying to rope you into my church or brainwash your kids into becoming Santa lovers. (BTW, your kids already love Santa – neener neener neener). Merry Christmas means… um… Merry Christmas. Much like raising a drink to all the non-Irish out there on St. Patrick’s Day, it is simply about pleasantries. So Merry Christmas Assholes!

This year, a local school has made headlines because they have issued rules for their “Holiday Gift Shop” that prohibits, yep…. HOLIDAY themed items! I shit you not!!! Isn’t that like opening up a bait shop that does not sell bait? Among the items listed that are prohibited are candy canes (they could be sharpened into deadly weapons, you know) and red and green tissue paper (obviously, red and green are Christmas colors). I have a suggestion to any parent who has the balls to be pissed about this… don’t give them one red cent or any of your green money.

Many loud mouths out there trying to shut down Christmas like to preach about Separation of Church and State…. I am so bullshit and tired of hearing people yammer on about that as if that phrase were really in the Constitution. Time for all of you to actually do a little learning… or let me save you some time- That phrase is NOWHERE in our Constitution: Regarding religion, the First Amendment states very clearly that “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof...” So, in fact, it is UNCONSTITUTIONAL to tell people that they cannot exercise their beliefs freely. By the way, those people who want to keep candy canes and Santas out of schools are the same politically correct asshats telling us that we must show tolerance and allow Muslims to practice their faith wherever and whenever they need. So, Muslims, Jews, Pagans and Muppets – feel free to worship and celebrate… but to you Christians, keep your shit to yourself and inside your own home!!

I’m done ranting for now. It is time to start a campaign to get rid of Thanksgiving – I mean, isn’t Thanksgiving an insult to all the people out there who are NOT thankful? And while we are at it, we should also start discussions about Birthdays. Saying Happy Birthday should no longer be allowed in schools and workplaces for fear of excluding the sad and those who were never born. We can talk next week about how Friday is offensive to onion rings.

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