Start spreading the news… I’m puking today. Don’t say it… don’t say it… OH FUCK – John Sterling said it! And then Frank Sinatra sang it. Billy Crystal went swinging from Ronan Tynan’s ears. Kate Hudson started counting her World Series share and ARod gave Jeter a championship handy and the happy ending he’s been praying for since 2000. Those self-promoting pinstripe wearing millionaires ruined my Novembah last night when Petey Martinez took the hill at Yankee Stadium, gift wrapped a few beachballs for Hideki Matsushi and couldn’t make it to the 5th inning. After 5, the score was 7-1 and there was nothing left but the locker room bukaki party! I know, complaining about the Yanks is petty and childish. So I’m petty and childish… no shit! It’s about time you figured that out.
If you are a Yankee fan reading this drivel, log off and get your ass to the parade… the Canyon of Heroes is one asshole short and they are wondering where you are. By now, you may have gathered that I am a Sox fan. So, of course I hate the Yankees as much as, if not more than, I love my BoSox. But I am not going to hide behind anything here. I could give a shit less about how much money the Yankees spent. That’s a lame excuse here in Boston, because we all know that if the Sox could spend it, they would. Hell, I would have no problem if the Sox got into gun running with SAMCRO if it were to bring in enough money to compete with the Yanks payroll (Sons of Anarchy fans out there?). The crux of my hatred is born from years of watching those assholes ALMOST always beat my team. Behind years of listening to Yankee fans bullshit about rings, 1918 and Bucky Fuckin Dent, blah fukkin blah, you can easily understand why we like to chant “Yankees Suck” everywhere we go - from Patriots games to baptisms. We Sox fans have a but a few good memories and we will NEVAH EVAH let them go … ahem… choke on a 3-0 series lead you dickheads?... Now don’t go gettin your Reggie Jackson panties in a bunch about that reference. I know it was 5 years ago and I also know that Yankee fans have elected to dismiss that classic collapse as “ancient history.” But if those dillweeds wanna go the “what have you done for me lately?” route, then they are gonna have to shove their “Got Rings” tshirts up their collective Bronx asses. Um… 26 of those rings are “ancient history.”
I bristle at everything Yankee. I just do. When a fellow Sox fan (or worse, a Yankee fan) tries to tell me that I have to like Derek Jeter, I always respond with a big fat “Fuck that!!” What is there to like about him? He is a Yankee, has more rings than any Red Sox player and spends his nights banging hot chicks! Jeter can take his 5 rings and go to hell – he’s a douche! From Monument Park to the Home & Garden white fence ringing the top of their stadium; From Ronan Tynan’s enormous fucking ears (he can communicate with Mars with those freakin' satellite dish hat hangers) to John Sterling’s tired old saying; from Babe Fuckin Ruth to CC Safuckinbathia, the Yankees fahkin SUCK!!!
As if I needed any more fuel, those Bronx Bombers raised the obnoxious coefficient to a mind-blowing new level after their win last night. AFraud was shown sobbing harder than Brett Favre at a retirement party, as if someone just shattered his full length mirror! Oh fukkin please you prick!! Get over yourself! ARod’s playoff performance will never erase the image of him making out with his own reflection or throwing his “cousin” under the bus in the “I thought they were tic tacs” steroid scandal. And how about Mark Teixeira letting us all know that God is a Yankee fan?
“I’ve been so faithful this entire time, in my entire career, and just been prayin, prayin, prayin to lead me in the right direction and, a, God didn’t let me down. He led me here and this is unbelievable.”
So, this asshat is trying to tell us that God decided he would root for the Yankees this year and not the Phillies? Someone had better dope slap this moron and remind him that it was the $180 million smackeroos that led him to the Bronx. Wait a minute – maybe it was God signed the fukkin check! My apologies Mark. Whadda douche!
As I said, I do not make excuses… I know the Yankees are the best team in baseball this year! That cannot be denied. What also cannot be denied is that we Sox fans not only have the right to hate the Yankees, we have the responsibility to hate them with all of our Chowdah eatin’ hearts. Speaking of which, New England clam chowder is way fukkin better than Manhattan clam chowder. Ya just can’t have red chowder…. So in a sense – WE WIN!!!! Neener neener neener assholes!!!