Monday, November 15, 2010

Bill Cronin (1940-2010) - Go Rest High Mr. C!


Every once in a while, we are fortunate enough to cross paths with someone who, through love of family and strength of character, is able to impact our lives in ways words could never begin to describe. And rarer still is a person who, through undying faith and a relentless spirit, is able to touch the lives of every single person he meets. The world is less one hero today – a husband, a father, a grandfather, a firefighter, a friend.

On Saturday, Mr. Cronin lost his battle with cancer, with his wife and children at his side, in the very home where he raised his children and entertained his grandchildren. To adequately express the sorrow we are all feeling with the passing of Mr. C is simply impossible. But to celebrate his life and to share what he meant to so many people in our lives is easily done.

Bill was a devoted, loving husband to Pat and a giving, dedicated Dad to Kathy, Kris, Danny and Billy. Family and friendship were 1 and 2 on Bill’s “What Is Really Important” scale. He willingly opened up his home to everyone he knew. Third Street was a place we could go and hang out and feel like we were at home. I remember Bill always being there, swilling a Diet Pepsi and making sure the pool was ready for swimming if we wanted to swim. Simply stated: If you were a part of his kids’ lives, then you were a part of his life. That’s just the way he was.

Mr. Cronin does not know this story and shame on me for never sharing it with him. Years ago, I was working at a group home in Dracut with adults with developmental disabilities. While there, I spent a great deal of time working with Mark, a man who had spent most of his adult life in an institution and had just moved into the group home. A couple of things about Mark – he loves to swim and he loves “power tools.” Of course, when I asked Mr. Cronin one day if I could bring Mark over to swim, the answer was absolutely. Mark walked around the pool chest deep and just laughed and splashed for at least an hour and he had a fantastic time. But that is not the end of the story. While Mark was swimming, Mr. C had come out of the house to do some yard work and he had a leaf blower in his hands. Well, needless to say, this made Mark a very excited man. He got out of the pool and wanted to look at the leaf blower (it is a power tool after all!). So Mr. Cronin spent just a few minutes showing Mark the leaf blower and he let him use it for a couple of seconds. This was probably 18 years ago. I happened to see Mark about a month ago. Like I always do with Mark, I relive memories with him. I mentioned Mr. Cronin and the smile on Mark’s face was one of sheer elation. “Mr. Cronin has a leaf blower!” he said with a hearty chuckle. It may have been just a brief moment in Mark’s life 18 years ago, but it has stayed with him and it goes to show exactly what kind of man Bill was to everyone he met.

As a firefighter in Lowell, he spent 34 years kissing his wife and children as he headed off to work, knowing that he was putting his life on the line for the safety of others and that any of those goodbyes could have been his last. With his wife and children at his side this Saturday, Bill had that final goodbye. Like in everything he has ever done, Bill was courageous and strong to the end.

Bill’s family is coping with an indescribable loss today. And because of the man Bill was, that family stretches beyond the walls of his home to include an entire community - a community that holds a special place in its heart for Mr. C. Rest in peace Bill – you will be sorely missed!

Lowell Sun Obituary

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

November 10, 1775 - Happy Birthday

"That two battalions of Marines be raised consisting of one Colonel, two Lieutenant-Colonels, two Majors, and other officers, as usual in other regiments; that they consist of an equal number of Privates with other battalions; that particular care be taken that no persons be appointed to offices, or enlisted into said battalions, but such as are good seamen, or so acquainted with maritime affairs as to be able to serve by sea when required; that they be enlisted and commissioned to serve for and during the present war with Great Britain and the Colonies, unless dismissed by order of Congress; that they be distinguished by the names of the First and Second Battalion of Marines."

On November 10, 1775, the Second Continental Congress issued the above resolution and ordered newly commissioned Captain Samuel Nicholas to establish two battalions of Marines, commissioned to conduct offensive and defensive combat missions during boarding actions and to protect a ship's officers from mutiny.  Captain Nicholas established the recruiting station to be Tun Tavern in Philadelphia with the then bar owner, Robert Mullen as chief Marine Recruiter.

From that November in Philadelphia 235 years ago to this overcast morning in New Hampshire today, Americans have been kept safe and have remained free because United States Marines have gone first.  Freedom comes with a heavy cost and the United States Marines pay most of your share.

To my brother Jim, my brother-in-law Steve, my California friend Maria and every other Marine, Happy Birthday!!!

Friday, October 15, 2010

Well, it is Fahktober and you know what that means…. It’s all about the ta-tas. Pink is everywhere, as well it should be. Taking a page from the NFL, Chris’ high school football team purchased pink chin straps to wear during their games this month. HUGE props to the coach or whoever for doing their part in promoting breast cancer awareness to 75 young men. This is especially poignant because the mother of one of Chris’ teammates has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Please keep her in your thoughts and if you are the praying type, give a big shoutout to your guy in the sky.

More Boobs In The News
(No, this is not about Joe Biden):
In Pittsfield, MA, a woman has gathered enough signatures (about 250) to place a non-binding question on the town ballot to free the titties. Catherine Gundelfinger is seeking gender equality when it comes to public nudity. Good ol’ Catherine thinks that women should be allowed to walk the streets, lie on the beaches and do jumping jacks on Main Street with the twins on full display. If approved, this referendum will send Pittsfield’s state rep to Beacon Hill with the job of introducing legislation to amend the definition of nudity that is currently on the Massachusetts books so that “no part of the female breast is included in the definition.” In other words, she wants “indecent exposure” to only encompass the lower regions - Hide your ass, but free your girls!

Hold on to your bra straps, people – this may stun you… I AM TOTALLY AGAINST THIS IDEA! And my objection has nothing to do with worrying about young kids seeing boobs at Chuck E Cheese. If someday topless women become an every day sight, it will destroy what is so endearing about a nice set of hooters. It’s the mystery of it all – it is seeing a woman with a good rack and wondering what’s happenin under the hood. It’s that silent “TA DAA!! We’ve got nipple!” voice in our head when the shirt first comes off. If you can just as easily see a set of guns at Market Basket, then the suspense is gone!

And here’s another reason why releasing the hounds is a very bad idea. Have you even been to Pittsfield? No? I know this: Motorboats and trampolines will be the furthest thing from your mind out there. Just take a walk through your local Wal-Mart and looky see the women roaming the aisles. And now I want you to picture them all topless! GET THE HINT??? Just cuz you got boobs, it doesn’t mean you got boobs I wanna see. Put those things back under cover fahchrissake! My money says that if the question passes in Pittsfield, come next November, men of all ages will be canvassing the neighborhoods rounding up signatures to repeal the new definition of nudity.

Since today is the Ides of Fahktober, what better time than now to hear from Rodney Carrington, Disciple of the Bosom.

University of Missipussi Rebel Black Bears

The University of Mississippi has revealed its new mascot.  It is a cute and gaw dam harmless black bear, officially the Rebel Black Bear.  Pussies!  Their new mascot should be a fahkin jellyfish to represent the lack of spine and intestinal fortitude of the university administration.  If you haven't been following this and if you could give a bag of balls about Ole Miss and their mascot woes, here's the Cliff Notes:  Ole Miss Rebels have had a mascot for many years.  His name was Colonel Reb.  He looked like a cross between Colonel Sanders and Grandpa Walton.  The image of Colonel Reb has been loudly criticized as being racist in nature, a representation of a southern plantation owner conjuring up images of slavery, and was removed from the football sidelines in 2003.  It took seven years of arguing, petitions and polls to come up with the new mascot. 

So what did the dingbats in Mississippi come up with?  A black bear!  Oh, the nickname is still the Rebels.  So the mascot will be called the Rebel Black Bear.  GMAFB!!!  That would be like the Patriots having a fuckin' bulldog for their mascot or the Cowboys having a leprechaun.  If they wanted to go all pussy on their students and rid the school of the mascot, they should have dropped the nickname too.  And not just "Rebels."  Ole Miss is a nickname for a slave owner's wife.  All or nothing, dummies. 

The other finalists in the mascot lottery were the Rebel Land Sharks (fukkin stoopid) and Hotty Toddy (who the hell knows what that is?).  So this begs the question.... what exactly is a Rebel Black Bear?  It is a bear that refuses to shit in the woods?  Or does he represent the black bear militia devoted to overthrowing the oppressive grizzly regime? 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

He's Gone Cuckoo For Cocoa Puffs. THEY WILL WORK WITH ME

(Note from Ken:  to my friends and family who hate my opinion.... DO NOT READ...  CLICK HERE instead!  You will like that a whole lot more.  Hey, we aim to please.)


Okay, now that they are gone, I can get down to business.

You all know I suspected it... but I think there is some proof out there that our wonderful President is one delusional sad sack of woe.  Faced with the possible (some say pretty fahkin likely) scenario of the Elephants taking a shitload of seats away from the Donkeys in 20 days, Obie is now talking about how he would deal if his party loses their majority.  And surprise surprise surprise.... he is putting the onus on the Republicans.  Directly from an interview with New York Times Magazine (aka The Obama Hit Parade), he says the other side of the aisle is going to learn to work with him.  HUH?   Seriously... HUH???
"It may be that regardless of what happens after this election, they feel more responsible, either because they didn't do as well as they anticipated, and so the strategy of just saying no to everything and sitting on the sidelines and throwing bombs didn't work for them, or they did reasonably well, in which case the American people are going to be looking to them to offer serious proposals and work with me in a serious way."
So let me get this straight...  translating ObieSpeak here:  If the Republicans do not do well in the elections, then they are going to have to start giving in to the Democrat agenda (in a twisted kind of way, that at least makes sense).  But if the GOP does fare well and somehow assumes a majority, he says the Americans are going to want them to work with the Democrat agenda.  What the fuck?     Mr. President, HERE IS A CLUE FOR YOU:  It was President Obama in the Rose Garden with the Candlestick up his ass.  No, seriously, here is the deal:  If the American voters speak in 20 days and kick a shitload of donkeys out of office, it is YOU and YOUR PARTY that might need to reconsider some of YOUR agenda.

B. Hussein also expressed some regrets about his first two years in office, not the least of which is that he allowed the Republicans to make him out to be "the same old tax and spend Democrat."  Hellooooooooo.... earth to Barack....  it's your taxing and spending that has made you out to be a tax and spend Democrat.  A kajillion dollars to bail out banks, auto industries and Harvard professors!  Sounds like spending to me.  That is like when a wife asks her husband, "Does this dress make my ass look fat?"  The correct answer here, of course, is:  "No, honey.  It's your fat ass that makes your ass look fat." 

He also regrets focusing only on policy and ignoring the sales pitch to the public.  Now he has not only gone cukoo for cocoa puffs, he is insulting the American public.  It is apparent that Obama believes the problems his party is facing have little to do with substance and more to do with lack of marketing.  Joe Biden is quoted as saying that Democrats are not running on stimulus, healthcare or finanical reform because it is "too hard to explain to voters."  Any voter not insulted by that bullshit should not be allowed in the ballot stall. 

I'm done here....   toodle loo shitheads!

Pass Of The Week: Featuring Brett Favre's Balls

Well, Favre and Moss may have pissed me off Monday by losing to Dirty Sanchez and Gang Green... but this video made me feel so much better about the old fuck.  It just goes to show you - If you text pictures of your johnson to unsuspecting chicks, karma will hit you in the berries with a spiral.  WOOOOOOOO  (Proper credit for me seeing this gem belongs to Fitzy and TownieNews.com)



Since I am posting videos of assholes who get paid to play professional sports, the biggest doucheberry on skates made the highlights this week and again, it is a short clip that makes me smile.  Sean Avery is a tool and the entire NHL knows that.  So this video is that much more enjoyable.



They say Wisniewski might be fined or suspended for his gesture.  I'm calling bullshit on that!  With everything Avery has done in his career, a pickle smoking gesture should draw nothing but a pat on the ass and a "Good one, man!"

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Premature Extrication: Chilean Miners Rescued Earlier Than Hoped


Consider me ohfishally impressed! I settled into the rack last night after an hour of SAMCRO shenanigans and turned on the news fully expecting to see more of the same bullshit stories about the Massachusetts goober-natorial race and the dipshit skydiver who got stuck in a tree two fahkin days ago! But instead of my favorite head to toe shot of Maria “Ho-Go boots” Stephanos, I was looking at a bunch of dudes in orange vests and hard hats standing around a pipe sticking out of the ground, honestly looking like they were trying to decide which one was going to take a piss first. But the scroll at the bottom of the screen enlightened my sleepy brain – they were moments away from the first Chilean miner being pulled from the fuckin’ ground after 69 days in a hole. What the fahk? Last I had heard, it was not going to be until Christmas before these sorry shits could be rescued. It’s still the middle of Fahktober and here they come!!!

The camera kept panning over to a little boy in a blue jacket and white hard hat… we were told that his father was the miner taking that historic first capsule ride to fresh air and a burrito dinner. And I gotta tell you…. When that capsule came out of the ground, it was like the MTV rocket taking off. And when they opened the hatch for the first miner to unfold himself and come out, the look on that boy’s face as he ran to his papi was about as feel good as it can get! The tight hug and the tears said it all… aw, shit, I am getting goosebumps again just typing about it.

So why am I impressed? Think about this for a minute… first of all, these poor pricks have been 2300 feet under ground for 69 dark days and nights – that’s a long time with no nookie. The last time they saw the light of day, the Red Sox still had a shot and Rahm Emanuel was still kissing Obie’s ass. But every time we would see images of these guys, they were always in good moods, cheering like they were at a Shakira concert.

So how the hell were these guys gonna get out of the mine that had totally closed up around them? Cue the Chilean navy and NASA engineers. These two groups worked together in designing a rescue capsule and system of extrication that makes Lassie pulling Jimmy out of the well look like small beans. First, they had to drill 2300 feet down to the safe area, banking on good aim to break through above where the miners actually were partying. Fuck, I have a hard enough time trying to find a 2x4 behind ¾ inch of sheet rock without denting the shit out of my wall with a hammer! Then they lined the shaft with a steel pipe, the diameter of a basketball hoop. The capsule would be lowered down to the miners and one by one, they would take the 20 minute ride to freedom. But before these dudes could even get into the capsule, they had to endure a 2000 calorie diet for weeks to make sure their waist sizes were 37 inches or less. Talk about shit luck, as if it ain’t bad enough to be buried in a mine collapse, when they finally figure out how to send food and drink to you, it is lettuce, rice cakes and water. Not even a sniff of tequila or so much as a nibble off a chalupa.

So today the rescue continues… every hour or so, another miner makes that triumphant rise to the surface, hugs his family and gets whisked off to a medical tent for prodding and probing. Not sure how they decided the order of rescue, but I am betting this guy will be last



Monday, October 11, 2010

Manic Bye Week Monday

Hey yo shitheads!!!   The Flyin' Elvis took the weekend off, so my Sunday was filled with sittin' around outside, nursin' a 24 beer hangover from the night before.  Word to the wise... after swillin' a couple drafts while your kids are touring SpookyWorld, do NOT sneak into the VIP bonfire area.  And more importantly, do not take it upon yourself and toss a 15 foot log into the bonfire with the help of a buddy.  Apparently, the wood police don't like it when you throw safety to the shitter.  So, after nearly getting tossed from Nightmare New England, we thought it would be best to just go home.

Yesteday's NFL Boner was brought to you courtesy of the Dallas Donkeys when they found a new way to lose and make yours truly a happy man.  After a few hours of watching Dumbo throw to the wrong team, Jason Whitten tied the game and then earned himself an excessive celebration penalty.  The ensuing kickoff was from their own 15 yard line.  And the Cowboys special teams decided it was their turn to shit their pants and allowed the return to their own 20, and then tacked on another personal foul penalty when kicker decided the pull the Titans return dude by the face cage.  Bam....  game over, thanks for playing, and oh yeah... nice stadium you got there asshole.  Wade Phillips spent post game bitching about the celebration penalty when the sad sack should have been bitching about his team's failure to cover a kickoff and for their 12 fahkin penalties during the game.  

The rest of Sunday was great as well, including the Oakland taking a shit on Rivers and the Chargers and Josh McDaniels losing again.  And me never being a big fan of ANYTHING Notre Dame, I must confess that my favorite stat line of the day falls next to Jimmy "Losing Record In College" Clausen....9 for 22 for 61 yards and a pick.  Sadly, he wasn't even the worst quarterback on the field... Bears QB Todd Collins was 6 for 16 for 32 yards and 4 picks.  That's a fahkin QB rating of 6.2... LOLOLOL.  But the Bears won... proving once again that Clausen certainly knows how to lose.  By the way, can someone explain to me why a university with a wikkid French name (Notre Dame) is called the Fighting Irish?  Did they feel the French Ladies was not tough sounding?   How about the Running French?

Oh yeah... Saturday had its moments for me as well... not the least of which was watching Nick Saban and his Crimson Tide choke on a hair ball and fall to the South Carolina Gamecocks  (hheeeeee, I said cocks).  The only problem there is that another douchebag coach was on the winning side.  I would rather see Saban and Steve Spurrier in a fight to the death that ends in a draw.

Tonight, we get to watch the Mossman play his first game with the guy with moss on his back.  I am just hoping to hear more stories about Favre texting pictures of his junk to hot reporters.  Rumor has it that Old #4 also sent a few prick pics to Moss to entice him to come play for the Vikes.  "Hey Randy, check out my tool.  When I tug on it, it looks like a Viking horn." 

Okay... that's about all I got... time to sweep the chimney, cover the pool and send a letter of apology to Spooky World.  Adios bitches!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Obama Buys Out Glee to Close Enthusiasm Gap

Just call them Gleeks.  Plagued by an "enthusiasm gap" that has the Democrat party shaking in their panties, majority leaders authored a new bill that experts say will close that gap and ensure a hold on the majority status in both houses.  The bill earmarks federal dollars to purchase 51 percent ownership of the popular Fox television series, Glee.  Effective immediately, the cast of the musical hit will feature such television personalities as Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi and will introduce Christopher Dodd as the singing janitor.

Given the popularity of Glee, the Democrats are hoping that the teenage fans of the television show will be able to convince their parents into voting for the cast members.  Also included in the bill is an item that changes voting laws to allow teenage girls the right to vote.  That ought to beef up the enthusiasm.  "This was Sasha's idea and I love it." said a boastful President Obama during a press conference. 

What about the show itself?   "President Obama has an incredibly average voice and could contend for an Emmy," claimed Executive Producer Brad Falchuk.  The shows producers will provide Mr. Obama with a hat to keep his ears from disrupting camera lines.  "He will need to learn how and when to turn his head so as not to obstruct his fellow players."  They will also place teleprompters all around the sound stage to help the President remember his lines.  Pelosi will not be given any singing scenes but rather will use her talents to play the role of a standup plant in the corner of the Principal's office.  Dodd expects to be the fan favorite known for his whimsical dance pieces with a mop and bucket.

The measure also represents a marriage of strange bedfellows.  The White House administration just a year ago attempted to ban Fox reporters from White House events and pleaded with Americans to boycott the network in its entirety.  So what are we to think about this unlikely partnership?  The reality is that now that the government has assumed control of the auto industry and the healthcare industry, they have turned their sights toward Fox.  "What better way to control your enemies than to just buy them out?" said Pelosi.  "Glee is just the beginning.  Soon, we will own American Idol and we will bring back 24, this time starring new hero Bill Clinton as Jack Blowhard."

The bill does not come without controversy.  The Republicans are criticizing the methods the Democrats used in getting the bill passed.  The bill sped through the Senate and the House without a single opposition vote.  "They used deception in order to have their bill float through.  It was dirty politics and we are not happy about that," claims Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  "Just as we were walking into the chamber, someone yelled out that Glen Beck was having an impromptu rally on the Capitol steps.  Obviously, we all ran back outside."  Once the chamber was free of Republicans, the Democrats locked the doors and quickly held their vote. 

So now, with the government takeover of Glee complete, expect to see this "enthusiasm gap" shrink down to a more manageable "ambivalence gap" as the Democrats seek to maintain their stronghold on Congress.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

WTFB?


What the fahk, Bill?  Ocho Uno says Wahhhh and you say good bye?  And don't any of you know-nothings give me that shit I just heard Lavanchy on Fox 25 spout....  "blah blah blah, they routed Miami and Moss had no catches... blah blah blah... how badly do they need him?... blah fahkin blah!"   Listen up dickheads - part of the reason the Oompa Loompa ran for 4 yards a clip and caught his touchdown pass was because the safety spent his time helping cover Moss.  Take Moss off the field and the Fins are NOT doubling Tate.  The Patsies NEED MOSS!!!   Nobody else will do.  They need to force the defense to provide help over the top against the deep threat.  Who cares if he is under appreciated or unhappy?  He plays the game and hurts opponents.  KEEP HIM!!

Well, I will say this:  Moss was the PERFECT Patriot while here, his game one rant not withstanding.  All he did was set a few receiving records, give the Pats a shot at the perfect season and open up the middle of the field for the Slot Machine to lead the NFL in receptions.  They should have signed his ass over the summer and then worry about the fahkin defense.  Oh well....  what are the odds they bring in another itty bitty white guy to replace Mossman?

Okay... my anger is subsiding....   mostly because I saw this this morning:


Since the 2010 Idiots are still healing their wounds and golfing their asses off this October, I relish the memories of that glorious October in 2004.  Damn, I hate fahkin memories....  nothing like the present.  GO TWINS!!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Tired Tuesday... Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

It only took 103 yahds and a blur known as Brandon Holy Fuck Tate to make us Pats fans forget a first half that sucked Dolphin balls.  The Pats spent the entire first half tackling grass and helping Ricky The Blunt Williams look like the powerhouse back Ditka drafted in N'awlens a hundred years ago.  And Chad Henne lit up the young and shitty secondary for two quarters.  Thank god Rob Ninkovich wore his pink gloves and picked Henne twice or the halftime score could have been a lot worse.

And then everybody wang Chung tonight.  The defensive back who bears no visible likeness to Connie Chung or Eugene Chung and looks as much like a Chung as I do a Suarez.  Blocked a punt, blocked a field goal and went all pick six on Henne's ass in the fourth quarter for the final nail.  And Woody proved to everyone that the #39 jersey aint for dancers afterall.  He ran like a fukkin maniac through the line of big dudes and ALWAYS got positive yardage (see Maroney note below) for a 4.2 YPFC.  The Mossman only made one appearance during the game when he dropped a ball in the endzone on the fake spike play.  For the first time in his Patriot career, 81 does not show up in the receiving box score.  But that's okay.. I saw him smiling on the sidelines and celebrating BJGE's score in the third quarter. 

But there are some things that are going to keep bandwagon in the slow lane, if you will.  The interceptions aside, the defense still blows!  They gave up 400 fukkin yards to the Fins.  It's a good thing Henne had a hard time figuring out which uniform to throw to.  And why the hell is Wilfork lining up on the left?  Billy boy, you are making it easy for the offense to decide which way to run.  Gun 27 Laser blast Check Silver AWAY FROM THE FAT GUY on hut!  Put him back in the middle where he can eat up two gaps and force the offense to be honest.  And I'm still not convinced we can go the whole season with BJGE and Little Woody as our feature backs.  Come on Oakland... keep losing.  We need Ingram.

Elsewhere in my football world:

Boney Maroney is dancing again.  This guy is freakin' ridiculous and makes me realize that the little white dude wearing his jersey is much more fun to watch.  Maroney's line on Sunday read 11 carries for 5 fukkin yards.  That's less than a half a yard a carry!  The Bronco fans used to the likes of Terrel Davis, Mike Anderson, Clinton Portis, etc, must be losing their shit in the thin air.  And in typical Maroney fashion, he fumbled the ball in the pile when just trying to run out the clock. 

The Colts forgot to bring their defense to Jacksonville on Sunday.  Finger lickin' Manning did his thing again with a two minute drive to tie the game... fukkin Manning!  But then the legendary David Garrard did enough of his own magic and led the Jags to the 42 yard line where Josh Scobee made a 59 yard field goal look like an extra point.  Jags win, Peyton drops his head, Kenny boy is very happy.

All the freakin' hubbub about Michael Vick will slow down for a week.  Listen people, I get it that the guy is electrifying and a proven winner.  But the reason that a running wild quarterback is a bad idea was evident on Sunday when Vick was the meat in a Redskin sandwich at the goal line on a play that got called back anyway.  But Vick was hurtin' and off to the locker room he went.  Enter Kevin Kolb and an Eagle loss.

My other team dropped their first game of the year.  The Stillers endured their 4 games without the brain injured rapist and came out of it with a 3-1 record.  But they had this game in hand until Joe Flacco decided to throw a pass on target with 37 seconds left to take the win away from Pittsburgh.  Their defense is the reason for the impressive start.  Add Roethlisberger to the mix and, well, the defense will still be what carries this team.

Monday, October 4, 2010

NOW THIS IS AT LEAST CLOSE TO REAL GOLF

Not for nuthin, but THIS is what golf should ALWAYS be like.  Screw the gentleman shit and the "I confess, I broke the rules, I disqualify myself" wahwah.  The Ryder Cup turns it up a few hundred notches.  I want to see galleries booing and cheering.  I want to see over the top celebrating, high fives and touchdown dances.  And this Ryder Cup did it for me.  I fahkin hate watching golf.  There is way too much whispering and not nearly enough club throwing for this guy.  But, across the pond this weekend, the lawn was littered with Brits hootin' and hollerin' for their guys and razzing the yanks.  And there was this:


Holy shite!!  Jeff Overton may be a bit contrived here and they may look like a couple of tools... but c'mon... this is AWESOME!!  The only thing that would have topped that if he had done the Braylon Edwards Dougie Dance.  Fahk the manners, the etiquette and the 4pm tea.  This is sports baby!

Now, here are just a few things to add to the Ryder Cup to turn it into Must See TV.  Since it is kinda like weekend golf with your buddies, let's go all out.  I want to see longest drive, closest to the pin, and longest iron toss.  Beers and dogs after nine holes.  Caddies handing the golfers beers from the bag.  Chicks in bikini tops working the beer carts.   Cart racing on the par 3's... (Tiger will need to be careful of the trees).  Foot wedges and penny ball markers.  Snow angels in the sand traps and taking a piss in the trees.  I wanna see golfers walk in their putting lines and coughing on the back swing.  NOW WE ARE FAHKIN TALKING!!!!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Lebron Says WHAT??

Happy Fahktober shitheads!!  What better way to start the first month of autumn than with some nonsense spewing from the bunghole known as ESPN?    But away we go.   NEWS BULLETIN:  If you are among the many who suddenly despise Leblowme James and the Miami Heat, word on the strizeet is that you are a racist.  The self proclaimed King of his own mind, along with his money grabbing agent, have said that the coverage of James' decision making process this summer was race based.  But of course, these two blowhards would not cite specifics.  James was asked on CNN if race played a factor in the negative headlines surrounding his one hour donkey shit television special to announce his big decision to take his "talents to South Beach."  His answer:  "I think so, at times.  It's always, you know, a race factor."  His manager said race "definitely played a role in the stuff coming out of the media."  Give me a fahkin' break.  Narcisism at it's fukkin finest here.  The negative headlines and the pissed off reaction of sports fans EEM (Everywhere Except Miami) have nothing to do with the fact that LeBron is black.  It is based in the fact that he made a fukkin show centered around his decision, like it was the fukkin Oscars - And the winner is:  MIAMI!   If LeBron had just done what every other free agent has done in every sport for years (sign contract, fly to new city, put on new uniform jersey, answer questions), the only people pissed would have been the Cavalier fans.  But, because of the way he did it:  Creating a one hour television special and making it very clear that puts himself above every other player in the league is going to result in one thing:  Fans and media calling bullshit on his ass.  And a few days later, the big introduction extravaganza, complete with lasers and a smoke show, pushed it WAY THE FUK OVER THE TOP!

In general, I respect Mike Wilbon and love PTI.  But he came off like an asshole yesterday when he agreed that race was playing a role here.  He claimed that the main reason white people are responding negatively toward LeBron's leaving Cleveland is because they did not like the fact that a black man could choose his own path, rather than being shuffled around like a pawn.  Hey fukhead... free agency happens all the time.  And trades happen all the time.  Whether you are white or black, you might find your ass traded away.  And whether you are white or black, you will become a free agent and make your own decision where you are gonna play.  LeBron James is not the first athlete to go to where the money was.  We sports fans get that and are used to that.  But LeBron James IS the first douche to hold a one-hour television special, name it "The Decision" and announce to the world his intentions.  You see, Mr. Wilbon (and Jalen Rose and JA Adande as well), the moment you elevate yourself above your peers, you are gonna get shit.  AND A WHOLE LOT OF IT.  Pay attention to the negative headlines about Brett Favre.  It is the same fukkin thing:  Don't waste my time being the center of attention and making a show of yourself.  Tell me Wilbon, was race a factor in the adulation and worship of King James BD (before decision)?  Did it play a role when his fahkin high school games were aired on your network?  Was it a factor when his jersey was the #2 selling NBA jersey for 4 years running, behind only Kobe?  Or when his sneakers were outselling Air Jordans?   Now I have never met him, but I've seen him on television and I am pretty sure he was black when everyone seemed to love him.  And take a peek at this famous photo...  Obviously the two guys in the back are pissed because Lebron is black and the guy in the front is just looking to light his cigarette.

So race is now at the center of discussions about LeBron James.  But the "King" has nobody to blame but himself.  And I don't give a Big Three what you say, I am still rooting for three torn ACL's in Miami by December.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Humpin' Around

It's OHfishal, Sawx fans... WTNY.  Not a bad showing in oh 10 for the hometown boys, considering the clubhouse was more like a MASH unit most of the season.  Shit, last night's lineup was bookended by Eric Who the Fahk is That Patterson and Felipe When Did He Get Here Lopez.  Throw in a little Nava, Hall, Reddick, Anderson and McDonald and you got yerself one helluva a shitshow.  But hey, still "mathematically alive" until September 28th is pretty impressive.  If not for Lester and Buchholz, the Sawx would be battlin' the O's for basement space.

Buchholz, btw, has a legit shot at the Cy Young.  The biggest competition (AND I MEAN BIGGEST) is going to be SeeSee Safatass.  Clay has him in the ERA dept (a teeny weeny 2.33), but the fat one has got 21 wins and will have over 200 strikeouts by the time the p...p....p....playoffs start.  Unfortunately the Pinstripe Porkchop is gonna take it.

Stickin' with sports, I have to share this video...  Ike Ditzenberger is a senior at Snohomish High School in Seattle.  He has been on the football team since his freshman year.  With 10 seconds left in a game where his team was losing 35-0, Ike sprinted left and back to the right and turned straight down field for a 51 yard meaningless touchdown as time expired.  Normally, this type of touchdown would be considered a "garbage time" score.  But in no way is this touchdown "meaningless."



Ike has Down Syndrome.  He has been in the football program for 3 years and has practiced this play every day with his teammates.  Is this a REAL touchdown?  Nah, not really.  Is this lying to a kid who really believes he earned that touchdown?  In a way.  Did they let him score?  Hell yes, they let him score.  BUT, who gives a rat's ass about any of that?  Not me!  Two coaches, two teams, a few officials and hundreds of football fans went out of their way to give a young man a moment in time that he and his family will forever cherish!  It doen't matter that they let him score.  What matters is that Ike doesn't get to live the same kind of life as you and I.  What matters is that Ike, even if for just 51 yards, lived a better kind of life than you and I.  And watch the video closely... not the fans, not the opposing players, not the cheerleaders.... watch his teammates as they celebrate in the endzone with Ike.  And it becomes very clear that this is not a single moment in time.  Those young men have spent the past few years practicing with Ike and becoming his friends.  You cannot fake that kind of love and kindness.  THAT is not a lie.  For me, it was not so much about the touchdown.  It is more about how a football team came together and accepted Ike as one of their own.  THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRICELESS!! 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Manic Monday... on Tuesday

Took me a day to gather my thoughts after Danny Whatzhizname became the greatest player to wear #39 since Boney Maroney.  The Pats stormed to 2-1 on Sunday with an offensive showing big enough to hide the defensive woes that will haunt us fans for months.  I'm working only off stats and highlights here because I spent game day on the softball fields in Wrentham, just down the street from the Razor.  But here is what I saw:

Brady was OHFG (on his fukkin game) in this one.  Sure, it was against Buffalo, but the passes were back on target after that shit show last week in Jersey.  But the big fist pump after a first down run?  Really?....  The unappreciated only caught two passes, but they were both touchdowns (#150 and 151 of his career).  Apparently Brandon Tate wanted a front row seat for TD number 151 because nothing else could explain why he nearly collided with Moss on the second score.  Dude, stay the fuck out of the way, the Mossman is at work.... The tight end is in the house, by the way.  Hernandez was Brady's favorite target, with 7 passes thrown his way.  And the reverse call gave me football wood!.....  With the pickup of Danny Goodhead, the Pats now lead the league in short white guys.  The only thing they need at Gillette now is a yellow brick road, for crying out loud..... 

The Rest of the NFL:
The Stillers are FFR (for fahkin real), people.  With that defense, I think Dr. Ruth could be quarterback for the black and gold and still lead the Pittsburgers to victory.  They proved that this week when Charlie Beeyatch traded in his dentures for a mouthguard and looked like an all pro.  Sure, it was the Tampon Buccaneers, but that D has done it now for three weeks.  Game on at Heinz!!!

And the Giants, well, they are officially in the crapper!  And that makes me happy too.  Big tough disciplinarian Tom Turn Your Head And Coughlin may have lost his touch this season.  6 personal fouls proves that they just don't get it down there at the Slinky.  To the fans of the G-men, the 18 wins and 1 Giant loss retort has expired.  Barking that at a Patriot fan is much like Pabst Blue Ribbon bragging on their beer cans that they were voted America's Best Beer in 1893! 

From the "Makes Me Sad Division":
The Jets won again.  Fukkin Jets.  But Brainless Edwards proved he still does not get it.  Lucky to be playing because his coach can't find his own balls underneath that gut, Edwards scored a big touchdown and proceeded to do the same Dougie dance that brought a flag last week.  Shouldn't the dumb prick just score and run back to the sidelines?  Remember, he was out drinking with Donte Stallworth the night Stallworth killed someone driving drunk.  And remember that Edwards BAC was HIGHER than Stallworth that night.

The Colts.... well, this was a tough one, because I still cannot stand the smarmy look on Josh McDaniels baby face and remember his over the top celebration when the Broncs beat the Pats last year.  But that fukkin Peyton Manning is just regoddamdiculous.

Hate seeing Wade Phillips and his goofy ass celebrating on the sidelines when his team wins.  Seriously, watch this guy on the sidelines and the dumb looks on his mug.  Kinda looks like Archie Bunker after Edith tells him to get his own beer.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Rex Ryan Wants His Players To Behave: Transcript

There are reports coming out of New Jersey and off ESPN's website that have New York Jets head coach, Jabba the Rex, issuing an ultimatum to his players to stop embarrassing the organization with their off the field behavior. Coming from the asshat who flipped off Miami fans last winter and dropped f-bombs all over Hard Knocks, this seems rather hypocritical, dontchathink?

But, although ESPN reported the story first, Shits & Giggles inside sources have obtained a transcript of Wide Rex’s locker room lecture to his players. Once again, Shits & Giggles proves to be the world-wide leader in behind the scenes bullshit.

“Alright you fuckin’ morons. Snuff out the ganja and dump the beers back in the ice tub. Zip your fukkin lips and pay attention. All this bullshit is really starting to piss me the fuck off. Your behavior is a fuckin’ embarrassment to me and the organization. Braylon, how many times have I fuckin’ told you that if you are shitfaced off your ass, you have got to use that fuckin’ melon on your shoulders. Before you think about driving home, make sure you roll down those fuckin tinted windows! You know the fuckin po-po will pull you over every fuckin’ time with those dark windows. Roll ‘em down before you drive drunk, man! And you, D’Brickashaw!!! It’s not the fact that you were in the car with Braylon where I have a problem. It’s that first name of yours. I mean, how many drops of acid did your mama take before she came up with that fuckin’ beauty? What? Was B’Cumberbun already used in your family? Braylon, you are not starting Sunday. I am suspending your stupid taunting ass for one whole play. That’s right – I am serious about this shit, you muther fuckers! Maybe you will think twice the next time you forget to roll down your windows. From now on, if any of you fuck up, I’m gonna be on your ass like frosting on a cupcake… like syrup on a pancake… like butter on a muffin… like cheese and pepperoni and sausage on a pizza…like…. Damn, I’m hungry.

Cromartie, you horny fuck, the front office called me and they want you to stop promising tickets to all of your kids. The new stadium is only so big and we cannot accommodate every fucking illegitimate child of yours. So keep your pecker in your Pacos big man.

And the next time a hot Mexican reporter with painted on jeans and an heart-shaped ass walks into our practice, you fuckers had better respect her for the hot piece of poontang that she is. Thanks to you douchebags, my little senorita cancelled her interview with me and I was left waxing Little Rex while watching Rachel Raye make a lasagna.

And lastly… the Hall of Fame called. Sanchez, they want you and me to come in and pose for our busts because we are fuckin’ shoe-ins for the yellow blazer, baby! Wooohooo…. Come on everyone…. Let’s run over to the Jack In The Box… double burgers on me, you sonzobitches!!!”

DISCLAIMER:  I made this shit up in an attempt to be funny.  There is no truth in this story.  Well, except for the part about Little Rex... that is a daily occurence.

Pudding CEO Denies Sexual Harassment

A nationally revered dessert mogul is standing up against charges of sexual harassment this week. Georgie Porgie, CEO of Pudding n' Pie, Inc. made the rounds on the national morning news programs today, refuting allegations that he kissed the girls and made them cry. "I only kissed one girl," Porgie told a national audience on Good Morning America, "and it was purely consensual." The identities of the victims have not been released, but sources close to the story indicate that one of the girls has been admitted into a psychiatric hospital for observation, suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. "Porgie is one ugly son of a bitch, so you can certainly understand their reactions," one civil lawyer was heard to say.

Porgie denies any wrongdoing and also denies that he ran away when all the boys came out to play. "First of all, she was all dressed up like Goldilocks, obviously asking for it. And then the two of us ended up sitting in a tree. To me, I'm thinking first comes love, then comes marriage... yada yada yada." When asked why all the girls ran away, Porgie was evasive in his answer. "I don't really know. Maybe they saw a spider coming after their curds and whey. Or maybe they are just a bunch of pilers on, kinda like ambulance chasers looking for a quick buck." Porgie has suspended all Pudding and Pie production pending the outcome of the case.

In other local news, three brothers found their 15 minutes of fame last night in a scary way. The Moe brothers, Eeny, Meeny and Miney were out frollicking in their backyard when a tiger came crouching out of the woods. Luckily, the three young men were quick on their feet and immediately caught the tiger by the toe. But when the trapped beast started to holler, the brothers let him go. Animal control is still on the lookout for the wild animal and warning people to stay in their homes until he is found.

YEAH, I'M FAHKIN TWISTED

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Braylon Edwards Not Taunting Anyone This Morning

Braylon EdwardsLOLOLOLOL....  Good fahkin luck Jets fans.  This is how the season is going to go for you.  When you have a coach who cannot control his own behavior or his lip smacking bullshit, it just breeds a lack of discipline and a locker room full of dumbasses!  Braylon Edwards showed himself to be a moron not once but twice Sunday with his taunting, running about behavior.  And with a history of stone hands that would make Terrell Owens envious and an assault charge in Cleveland to his credit, this guy is just a drunk driving arrest away from a complete bust.  WHAT'S THAT???   The bearded douche got pinched this morning at 5:15 am with a BAC of 0.16  (TWICE THE LEGAL LIMIT)?  It appears ol' Braylon should have dropped the last few drinks like they were perfectly thrown spirals.  And 5:15 am - that is some SERIOUS drunk driving there.  The only suprise here is that Rexy Ryan and Fireman Ed were not in the SUV with him, high fiving him on his big arrest.  Ya guys wanna be the rebels, the big talkers, the "we don't care what others think" kinda pricks?  That's gonna be a few games without Edwards....   LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Wonder if he did his whole "dougie dance" before they cuffed and stuffed his stupid ass.  Gang Green wants this type of team!  Well, they got it.  By the time Santonio Holmes returns from his 4 game suspension and Cromartie figures out his child support bills, Edwards will be serving his own time in the NFL Detention Class.  And I am happy once again.  Let's hear it again Rexy... you want to be that brass bunch of ass kickers and loud talkers, right?  LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Monday, September 20, 2010

MANIC MONDAY - Oh That Sucked!

Aahhhhh, the fahkin JETS!!  Gawdamitall!!  Why oh why did the Pats decide to go all Lions on us against the New York Fukkin Jets?  Yep, this was not nearly as good an NFL Funday as last week - watching Dirty Sanchez do a TB impersonation in the second half and render the Patsies a bunch of bums was no way to spend a Sunday.  Defensively, Darius McGrabbyhands needs a lesson in pass defense that does not include tackling the receiver before the ball gets there.  And Golden Boy Brades was the king of the overthrow and lord of the underthrow, all in the same fahkin game!!  Oh, how bout them running backs?  Old Man Taylor looked the best, but only because he ripped off a 40 yahdah that would be called back thanks to an illegal procedure penalty.  But why in the hell did he only run it 5 more times after that?  BenJarvis GreenEllisSmithBrownHannigan carried the ball 10 times for a staggering 19 yards.  Holy shitty running backs, Batman!   Mr. Bunchen summed it up perfectly in his post game comments:  "We couldn't get the running game going.  We couldn't get the passing game going.  We sucked."

Revis Island?  Seems He Had Help
Don't let my angry mood fool you into thinking there was nothing good to come from yesterday's tilt.  I was in full man-crush mode when the "Slouch" made that one handed grab in the endzone while Derrelle Penis was grabbing at his hammy like a bitch.  Seems the big mouth needed to have an excuse ready - funny we never saw him even so much as flinch when he kept Moss from making a catch.  Another dude in the making is Aaron Hernandez.  I like me some Big Gronk, but this Hernandez kid is some kinda tight end too.  Another week, another 45 yard catch and run.  How about we say fuck the running game and just put all tight ends in the backfield?  It might just work.... what a difference a year makes!

And for the J E T S!!!  Braylon Edwards typifies the cocky, I'm an asshole personality of the entire team.  His taunting penalty early should have been repeated after his two point conversion, but the officials let that one slide.  Crying Bitch Tomlinson... I had it up to my New England eyeballs with Phyllis Sims and Jim Nancy raving about how there is still life in those legs and excuse his celebrations as a "message to the NFL that I'm still here."  Let it go Tomlinson... you were bitch slapped a few years ago by Belichick and the boys and you are still angry.   I get it.  But it is just a two yard gain!  But early in the game, there was Eric Smith.  This prick hammered his forearm into Welker's helmet, an obvious intent to hit the head and probably an attempt to make his own day easier by taking Welker out of the game.  This cheap shot will draw a fine, no doubt.  Smith has a track record of trying to injure and has been fined in the past (CLICK HERE)...  so his bullshit attempt at trying to walk up to Welker while in the huddle a few plays later during a time out was met with the perfect response from Wes...  Welker didn't even acknowledge Smith's attempt to apologize.  Because he knows that asshole was trying to take his head off.  He's lucky Brady or someone did not tear his nuts off and feed them to Sexy Rexy for a halftime snack.

Other useless notes from around the NFL

I cannot believe I found myself rooting for a division foe, but that is exactly what I was doing yesterday when the Dolphins were taking on the Old Man in Purple.  Three interceptions and a fumble for a touchdown later, I remain happy with the goings on in Minnysota!  Seriously Favre...  go home.  No seriously... go home.  Buh fukkin bye!

The Manning Bowl was on national television last night (SURPRISE!!)... and we had to be treated with home movies??  The 35 mm film kind.  Did I really need to know that Eli was a crying bitch since way before he whined about being drafted by the Chargers?  No...   the good news was that, aside from a sink hole opening up at the 50 yard line and swallowing both teams, one of the Mannings had to lose last night.  To make it sweeter is that the one that lost (ahem, Eli, ahem), looked like shit while losing.  LOVED THAT! 

Michael Vick is back...  with nary a dead dog to be found, Vick reappeared on the NFL scene yesterday.  In doing so, he threw for over 200 yards against the Lions and gave Kevin Kolb a bad case of the "Aw shits."  But everyone relax...  As soon as Kolb is no longer seeing the big dipper during the day, he will once again be taking the snaps and Vick will be returned to backup status.  Until later in the season when Kolb is suddenly attacked by a pack of pit bulls on his way to his car after practice.

Psych hospitals are on the lookout in Tennessee after Jeff Fisher yanked Vince Young from the game yesterday.  Young tossed two picks and fumbled the ball away once against the Stillers.  Kerry Collins finished the game 17-25 with a touchdown and a pick.  We all remember the last time Vince Young wasn't feeling the love, right?  In this game yesterday, Dennis Dixon and Young both left and were replaced respectively by Charlie Batch and Kerry Collins.  Holy Quarterbacks in Depends, Batman!!!  Jeezus, I could hear knees creaking all the way up here in New Hampsha.  No wonder the score was 19-11.

Your Stimulus Money At Work

Just up the road a piece from my home, there is a road construction project going on.  Not exactly sure what they are doing, but it does involve some big fukkin yellow construction machinery, guys in yellow hats and orange vests and two dudes with STOP/SLOW signs.  Rumor has it they are building a sidewalk that will eventually stretch the one mile from the high school to the strip mall.  Whatever.  I have not seen much pedestrian traffic out there, but I get it.  If ever the employees at Blockbuster want to put together a walking group for their lunch hour, they now have a safe means of exercise.  Why am I ranting about this?  Well, that's what we in the writing business call an "introductory paragraph."  The sidewalk project has very little to do with my Monday morning bitch.  It's been a couple of weeks since I hammered my good buddy B. Hussein Obama... so here goes!  If you are one of those still expecting hope and change, you should click off now before I piss you off or you piss me off - I still love you all.

At both ends of this project, there stands a sign.  Not a "Slow Down Save A Life" sign or a "Speeding Fines Doubled in Work Zone" sign.  Nope... a sign that proudly tell you how this particular project is funded.  Apparently, the money for the project came from the 700 million beans Obie printed with his Stimulus program.  I get it... these projects put people to work and help make our roads better.  But tell me this... how much money went toward making the fukkin signs?  Do we really need to use taxpayer money to make signs to tell us how our taxpayer money is being spent?  A little research, and come to find out that the government spent over $20 million dollars on the signs nationwide.  I guess some Republicans and other conservatives started raising a stink last month about the Obie campaign signs (come on... that's what they are) and now they are mysteriously disappearing.  Shit, the signs all have the Recovery and Reinvestment Act logo clearly displayed.  A logo?  Who the fuck spent time creating a logo for an act of congress?  Seriously!!  A fukkin logo!  Did the Bill of Rights have a logo?  The first amendment?  Oh, by the way, take a look at the logo.  Kinda reminds one of B. Hussein Obama's campaign logo from two years ago.  Power of suggestion?  Good move.  The signs might as well say this:


On the bright side, Obie continues to do his part in creating jobs.  He created another job last week when he named Harvard law professor (fukkin shocking, I know) Elizabeth Warren as a "Special Adviser to the President" for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.  By the way, she was not officially named to head up that agency because apparently Obie did not want to go through the Senate confirmation process that would have been required.  So let's make every fukkin Harvard faculty member a special adviser to the White House and put all those poor underpaid professors to work.  DOH!!!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Derek "Cheatah"? I Don't Think So

You know me... I am quicker than anyone to bitch about the Yankees.  I can even find fault somewhere in a Yankee donating money to kids with cancer or saving a two legged dog from a burning house.  But people...  Derek Jeter did NOT cheat the other night when he pretended to have been hit by a pitch.  Oh, he played it up like a soccer flopper and after the fact looks kinda re-gawdamn-diculous holding his arm like it's about to fall off and bent over in apparent pain (A-Rod's favorite DJeet position, by the way).  Replay showed the ball hit the end of Jeter's bat and came nowhere near his arm.  But the ump said take your base.  Was he supposed to say no thanks, it really didn't hit me?  Gimme a freakin' break.  His job is to get on base.  This is the pennant race shitheads!  The Yanks were down a run and needed a base runner.  I say bully for Jeter.  Next batter, Curtis Grandstander, lined a homerun into the seats.  BAM!  Yankees take the lead.  Bottom line, it worked and the prick did not cheat.  His only crime is the over acting.  Did he really need to stand there with his hands on his knees talking to a trainer, looking like he was about to pass out?  Really?  Just fukkin run to first base and get on with the game.  Either way, it all worked out in the end cuz that other prick, Rays Dan Johnson, hit a two run homer later in the game and the Rays won.  Big Rays fan these days, by the way.  Hate them nearly as much as the Yanks, but rooting hahd for those guys to win the pennant over the Spankees.

The real story should be what the fuck the umpire was thinking.  A 90 mph pitch hits a wooden bat directly on the handle.  Makes a slightly different sound than hitting a human being.  Apparently the dumbass in shinguards thought Jeter has wooden arms.  He said something about thinking it hit the elbow protector.  Whatever. 

Thursday, September 16, 2010

NICKNAME WANTED - Meadowlands seeks an identity.

Because I freakin' love everything New York and New Jersey (he says with cutting sarcasm and notorious wit), I think the new shithole in East Rutherford needs a nickname... one that is befitting of the storied franchises that pay rent at Exit 16W.  Since Shithole is already taken by dingy dives and greasy pizza joints up and down the Turnpike, we need to come up with something else.  The Pats have the Razor, Eagles had the Vet and the 49ers the Stick.  University of Michigan plays at the Big House and the Florida Gators at The Swamp.

Ideas for the new Meadowlands:  The Dump, The House That Sanchez Ruined, Exit 16, The Graveyard (Hoffa reference), The Toilet,  The Giant Jet (blechhhhhh).   They are all okay...    but here is a picture of the new stadium.  I took one look and the first thing I thought of HAS to become the new moniker for Sexy Rexy's home stadium....   THE SLINKY!   Oh yeah, the muthafukkin Slinky!  How can you call it anything else?  Look at it!  It looks like a one of those little springs on it's last leg.


We all remember the song, right?

What's shiny and strong, but not for long,
and has a Fireman Ed?
A chump, a hump, a soon-to-be dump
Everyone come to The Slinky

The Slinky, the Slinky
The home of the Giants and Jets
It's Slinky, the Slinky
Hold on to your wal-LETS! 
(sorry, rhyming aint't my game and I am missing lunch)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

HE WAS STILL HERE????

The Patriots made a surprise move yesterday in trading 6 year player Laurence Maroney to Denver.  It was not the trade that was a surprise.  It was the fact that Maroney was actually still in New England.  "Am I surprised?  Hell yes I'm suprised!" admitted a Patriot player under the condition of anonymity.  "Honestly, the last time I saw Larry, he was tippy toeing around behind Matty Light in November of 2009.  I had heard rumors that he was playing for the Steelers this year so I was as surprised as anyone when a trade was announced."

Dance no more... Boney Maroney was shipped off to the Denvah Dumpin Grounds yesterday, along with a 6th round draft pick and a bottle of headache pills in exchange for a pair of those fahkin awesome throwback socks the Broncos wore last year and a bag of kicking tees.  This brings to an end the Maroney Era in New England and all that goes with it (endzone fumbles, cha cha dance steps off tackle and some fantastic hair).   Seriously, what the fuk took so long to ship the Wreck of Ol' 39 out of town?  This guy gives tits on a bull a run for its money in the useless department. 

The Big Back That Couldn't joins former teammates No Hands Graham, Long Snapper Paxton and Russ Hochstein in Denver with that wizard Josh Daniels.  Here's hoping Tim TeBlow and Maroney enjoy each other's company on that bench.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

It's Not Harassment - He's Just Hungry

Rex Ryan swears he was not trying to harass anyone.  "I hadn't had a thing to eat since the triple stack of flapjacks at the mid-morning buffett, and at first glance I thought her ass was a cupcake."  When Ryan realized he was actually looking at Sainz' booty, he said he quickly left the locker room in search of lunch.  "I meant no disrespect to Miss Sainz.  Seriously, have you seen that ass?  Would you disrepect her?  I respect her with all my manboobs and welcome her into my office for one on one interviews every Monday if she wishes." 

Okay folks... real quick.. and this won't be well received by the millions of women who read this blog, but from this point on, I won't be very popular.... but I really don't care.  Ines Sainz has an incredibly hot ass.  She is also a "sports" reporter from Mexico (Notice what I said first, btw - cuz it's that ass that she WANTS you to notice first).  She has referred to herself in the past as the "Hottest Reporter in Mexico."  This was her attire (right) when covering the Super Bowl in 2009.  Wonder if Jackie MacMullan or Mike Wilbon were wearing similar outfits.  So, it's safe to say she wants to look hot.  According to Dos Tetas (google that shitheads), she felt harrassed and uncomfortable when she went into the Jets' locker room to interview Dirty Sanchez and players started calling out to her and talking amongst themselves about her body.  So Ines Sainz wants to be treated like every other professional reporter?  You be the judge and please be honest!  Take a look at Senorita Sainz...  an extra long look will be easy, by the way.  Let's face it!  She got her job BECAUSE she was a former Miss Spain and is responsible for countless Mexican boners (and at least one American one, by the way).  What the fuck does anyone think is going to happen in a locker room of over 50 guys in their 20's and 30's (and one big fat loudmouth in his 40's)?  I am not saying it is right.  And I am not saying they are excused for their behavior.  What I am saying is LOOK AT HER!  If if she or anyone else expected anything different, then the short bus will be there in the morning to pick you up.  And why do we think the Mexican tv station is sending her to locker rooms?  It's a room full of dudes and she is mucho caliente with a coolo I could eat dinner off.  Ever been in a sports bar and a hot chick walks in?  Take a close look at the body language and the head snapping that goes on.  It's what we do. 

So, what was Ines wearing that day at the Jets practice to cause all the hubbub?  She posted a picture of it to show us all.  Sure, this is not inappropriate attire and not deserving of crude behavior.  But a smoking hot dumper nonetheless.  Come on everyone!!  Even you ladies have to admit that is one backyard you wouldn't mind having a party in.  And let's be honest... do you think that when she did a catwalk twirl in front of the hotel mirror that morning she said to herself, "Now THERE'S the professional look I was going for.  The boys won't think of me as a hot chick in these jeans."  Yeah... right.

Hate mail and sexist accusations can be directed to the following email:  youknowimright@biteme.com

Monday, September 13, 2010

That's A Good Sunday: Week 1 NFL Recap

Week one is in the books… (a Monday night double headah notwithstanding) and yours truly spent Sunday with bonerfide NFL smile on my hungover face. It started Thursday night when the Saints gave Favre a refresher course in why he should retire and it just got better and better during the day yesterday. First things first… the statement makin’ muthafukkin asskickin the good boys dealt to Batman and Robin and their collection of misfits in orange tiger stripes!

Someone (I’m goin with Boomer Esaison) said it best during one of the pregame bullshit sessions when he pointed out that the team with the best wide receiver tandem on the field in Foxboro was New Fahkin England!! Everyone wanted to hype up TO and Ochodinko, forgetting that two guys named Mossman and Wes were on the other sideline. Super Wes and his bionic knee snagged two scores early and the Bengirls were reeling. I’ll take Brady, Welker and Moss over ANY receiver threat in the league. Yeah, Ocho got his yards (150 or so and a score), but all after the game was AWL DUN. And neither Ochocinco nor TO were even on the field for the hail mary at the end of the first half (cuz TO thought it was already halftime, he was walking into the locker room and Stinko had cramps). Brandon “What the Fuck Was That Blur” Tate and the Big Gronk each notched their first NFL touchdowns yesterday. It was ones across the board for my man Gronk - Thrown to once, he had 1 catch for 1 yard and 1 touchdown. And Tate put the kibosh on any gun firing plans Ocho had by turning the game into a blowout with his hop, skip and run like fuk kick return to open the second half. With the game out of reach when Dinko scored, he could only just sprint back to his sideline with his angry face… even he knows ya cannot showboat when you are down by three scores.

Two disturbing things from yesterday – but nothing to worry about yet: Kevin Faulk dropped TWO passes and Gostkowski missed TWO field goals. The next time those two things happen in the same game, the Clippers will be NBA champions and I’ll be voting a straight Democratic ticket.

PS… there were two moments in the fourth quarter yesterday that has me doing a complete about face today on how I feel about Chad Johnson. After catching a pass on the sidelines, did y’all notice the little slap on the ass Ocho dealt to Belichick? Some people want to think of that as a moron or asshole move. But those two actually get along very well and Billy Boy has freely admitted that he likes Chad’s style and his talents. There is certainly a mutual respect there, which was cool to see. But even better was when Merriweather nearly turned him into an ocho looking for his cinco, lighting him up in fine fashion with a clean but crushing hit on the sidelines. To his credit, Ocho popped up, pointed at Merriweather and patted him on the helmet, giving him ultimate props for a hit well delivered. He smiled and continued to point in his direction as if to say, “Holy fuck, you can bring it!” I can see a certain someone taking Ocho Uno’s place at the Razor in the near future, can’t you?

Outside The Razor:

The Steelers escaped their home opener with an overtime victory over Atlanta in a game that featured two quarterbacks that have never waved their dicks at drunk chicks in a restroom. This field goal fest must have had the Stiller fans yawning because neither team could find their way into the endzone for 4 quarters. Let’s face it – field goals are points. But unless it clinches a victory, a field goal is a lot like the bottom of a bag of chips… better than nothing, but it still sucks.

I loved watching Romo and the ‘boys choke on their own vomit last night. In case you were sleepyface by then, Romo scrambles and threw a game tying TD pass to Roy Williams with an extra point coming. But offensive lineman Alex Barron thought that play would be a good opportunity to teach Redskin linebacker how to slow dance and put him in a freakin’ choke hold.

Colts, they lost. Enough said. Those muthafukahs still scare the shit out of us Pats fans, so to see there will be no undefeated talk this year makes us all feel good. The Tim Teblow experiment is still an experiment. The most overrated player in decades made his debut, stepping under center just twice yesterday to run the QB sneak. Seriously, can we all stop the bullshit? Did ESPfukkinN need to show both carries on SportsCenter? Did CBS really need to go to a game break to show us Tebow’s first NFL carry? 2 carries for 2 yards. At this rate, he will reach 1000 yards about the same time Kevin Faulk drops two passes in a game.

One last NFL note: Tonight, I’m rootin’ hahd for the Ravens to smoke the J E T S but am not looking forward to listening to the morons in the booth tell me how Dirty Sanchez has matured into an elite NFL quarterback despite the fact he still cannot figure out which uniform his receivers are wearing.

Have a great week shitheads!!!   Be back next Monday with a Rex Ryan Chokes On A Twinkie story.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Lest We Forget

Nine years ago!  Doesn't seem that long ago, does it? 


Stay pissed people!!!  We owe it to the 3000 killed that day.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Spies Like This? I Surrender!

The Russian spy is in the news again and I gotta tell you....  I cannot believe this vodka babe didn't end up with a key to the fahkin Pentagon, fahchristsake!  Her spy name is Anna Chapman, but I prefer to call her Irina - sounds way hotter than Anna.  Can you imagine if she was working here during the Clinton administration?  With that ass, ol' Billy would have given her every defense file in DC.  Seriously, I don't care what higher office a guy holds, we are all suckers for a smoking caboose and a good rack. 

Irina:  "Mr. President, I am good intern and promise I no spy.  Show me nuclear defense plans and I show you my fantastic Russian breasts."
Clinton:  "You betcha!  I love Russian breasts.  Will you hold my cigar?"

Had Gorbachev had access to this minx when he was in power, he'd still be standing on top of his wall with that wine stain on his head and Ronnie Reagan's famous speech in East Germany would have been more like this:  "Mr. Gorbachev, I don't give a furry hat about your silly wall.  Please let me motorboat Anna just one more time."

Dear Irina,

Would you please come spy on me?  I know stuff.

Sincerely,
Ken

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Brady Accident Causes Spike in New Underwear Sales

WHOA!!!   I nearly cuh-cuh'd in my skivvies when I heard the news.  Tommy Boy was just about beheaded in a major motor vehicle crash this morning in the Back Bay.  From early reports, it appears Brady was leaving his home in the city for a leisurely cruise to Foxboro for another day's work of slinging balls and slappin' ass with Wes and Randy, when ALL OF A SUDDEN, a red mini-van from hell with fire shooting out of the exhaust and a giant razor sharp blade on the grill came hauling ass into the intersection and nearly deleted our star quarterback from fantasy rosters all over the internet.  After rescue personnel sewed his head back on and performed life-saving CMVPR (that's cardio MVP resuscitation, fahkers!), Tommy Boy got up and ran to Foxboro, barefooted.  Then the real story slowly came out...  Brady was simply inconvenienced by the wreck this morning.  No injuries.  No nothing.  Well, I guess a passenger in the van had to be extricated and transported to a hospital, but I don't think that guy was going to play on Sunday anyway.  Bottom line is that TB is fine and at practice this afternoon, getting ready to shut the pie holes of those twinkies in Bengal stripes this Sunday. 

Rest easy Pats fans... the Holy One will be under center this week.  This was most likely just a ploy to give Billy B a reason to put Brady on the injury report as questionable with a "back injury" for the rest of the season. 

There are two things that jumped out at me with this story and that are more newsworthy than the itty bitty fendah bendah!  First, why the hell is Brady driving a car?  I thought he just pulled on a cape and flew his supah hero ass to the stadium!!   Second, what the fahk is with the Jersey plates on the Audi, Mr. New Contract Man?  Something you are not telling us?  A negotiating ploy, perhaps?  Tune into WEEI today and I am betting you will hear more Pats fans troubled over the Gahden State plates than the actual car accident. 

Whew... now that THAT undie soiling event has passed, I can get on to real stuff - like googling recipes on corn dogs.