Tuesday, January 26, 2010

State of the Union - sneak preview

I disguised myself as a blonde woman with reality show aspirations and snuck into the White House last week to steal a copy of Obie's State of the Union address. I am sure this is just a draft copy, but my guess is he will pretty much stick to the script tomorrow night when he speaks to the nation. Since I will be spending tomorrow evening sticking hot skewers under my fingernails rather than listen to his drivel, I thought I would peruse his speech. Enjoy.

Madaam Speaker, you crazy ol’ tart, Mr. President (the only time you will hear me call you that, Joe), members of Congress, my fellow Americans and the lovely {cough} Mrs. Obama:

I hope you like what I have done with the background for tonight’s television special, er, I mean address. Although the American Flag has served as the backdrop for every State of the Union address in history, I thought this ginormous portrait of me in a white diaper and a crown of thorns would put an exclamation point on the air of change that is sweeping the nation. If you don’t like it, you can blame Scott Brown and George Bush.

A year ago, I spoke to you with the hopes of a nation resting squarely on my bad ass basketball playing, cigarette smoking shoulders. A year ago, we were staring straight into the teeth of an economic disaster without equal in our great history and we were mired in the midst of foreign policy debacle that had us fighting two wars and pissing off the entire world. It is hard to believe that in just a short twelve months, I have a new dog and a Nobel Peace prize. So I say to you John McCain voters… “How do ya like me now??”

I can see my man Scott Brown in the audience tonight. Now, I know you haven’t been sworn in yet (big wink to John Kerry), but I gotta tell you dude – never thought I would see you here. Did you find a place to park your truck? (pause for standing ovation and uncontrollable giggles from Democrat side). I hope you will stick around for Paul Kirk’s going away party – gonna be a real ripper. By the way, effective tomorrow, your National Guard unit will be deployed to Antarctica to assist the polar bear community with sandbagging detail. The icebergs are melting, you know. So it looks like you won’t be the 41st vote afterall…heheeheeeeee

2010 will mark the beginning of a historic period in our nation’s history. I plan to introduce a series of exciting initiatives that will serve to improve not only the lives of every American, but also heighten my television exposure even more, which is really important if I am ever to reach my true goal of co-starring with Michael Strahan on Brothers.

The State of the Union address has historically been a time to reflect on the past year and to look forward to the challenges that a new year brings. Foreign policy has not been our strong suit of late and I would like to further extend my apologies to any third world country out there whose asses we have pulled from the fire. I had hoped to apologize to all of the countries in person but my television appearance schedule kept me from making all those trips. So, to all of the countries I missed: For the billions of dollars, endless supplies of resources and thousands of lost American lives we have given to better your country, I am deeply sorry.

Since my healthcare reform bill is dead in the water, it is imperative that we get back to work on reforming healthcare. We can address healthcare, immigration and the economy in one sweeping move: First, let’s print a shitload of extra money. Invest the money in used box trucks and inflatable rafts. From there, we will open the Federal Bureau of Immigrant Transportation and thus we will create thousands of jobs for drivers and boat captains. The money raised from the tax revenue from these new jobs and from the per passenger fee will be earmarked to buy health insurance for all those who are too lazy to get a job with benefits. Problems solved. See you in the history books.

In closing, I would like to thank this side of the aisle for your endless standing ovations that caused this speech to run over and preempt American Idol. Remember, Fox TV is evil.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Campaigning for Dummies

If you are sitting in your cozy little Democrat recliner, wondering how on earth a REPUBLICAN stands a good chance of winning a seat in the US Senate to represent Massachusetts, you need to open your eyes and look at the list of Oopsies and Aw Shits that have riddled the Coakley campaign since October. These are things NOT TO DO when running for office.

The Great Foreign Policy Experience issue: In October, Coakley was asked about her lack of foreign policy experience. All she could come up with is that her sister lived in England and now lives in the Middle East. (youtube it - you'll find it) She said she often hears from her sister overseas about the Bush policies. Holy Christ!!! Hope she has her sister on speed dial before any foreign policy vote comes up in the Senate.

Sure Wish I Lived In Ohio - It's Easier to Spell: Ayep, it has long since been corrected, but some clown actually ran one of those negative Scott Brown ads and misspelled Massachusetts. A campaign tip - make sure anyone working for you has a semblance of working brain cells.

I Called My Sister, She Said They Are All Gone: On January 11th, Coakley announced to the world that the terrorists are gone from Afghanistan. You sure did hear that correctly. As her President is sending more troops into Afghanistan to fight the "real war on terror", Obie's new favorite Bay Stater is telling us all that they have all left. Perhaps Obie should enlist the intelligence expertise of Martha's sister so he too knows exactly what is going on. Also, pay close attention to what Coakley says about the Taliban at 0.08 of the video: "...because we believed that the Taliban was giving harbor to terrorists." Hellooooooo - the Taliban ARE the terrorists, you empty headed animal fruit drop whopper.

I See Nothing, I Know Nothing: So, one of Coakley's aides was photographed while pushing over a reporter who had the nerve to ask her a question about where she thought the terrorists have gone after leaving Afghanistan. Coakley first came off sounding like a paranoid nutjob when she accused "Scott Brown Stalkers" of harassing her wherever she goes. Um, Martha, those would be reporters. But the kicker was when she claimed she was not privy to what had happened in the pushing incident and did not even see what happened. However, photographs show her standing there watching it happen. Don't lie to us - it pisses us off!

Where Am I? What Have You Done With My Notes?: It certainly could not help when our President showed up in Boston on Sunday and, while introducing John Kerry, he had a brain cramp and momentarily forgot what fukkin state he was in.

Marsha Marsha Marsha: And finally, we have Patrick Kennedy, of the great and royal Kennedys. Just up off his recliner apparently because someone woke him up to tell him that a Republican might take a seat in the Senate. So off he goes to stump for Martha Coakley, except that he called her Marsha. Not once, but seven freakin times!!

But the one sure fire way to lose in Massachusetts - show that you know DICK about sports. Coakley recently brushed off Curt Schilling as "another Yankee fan." When the interviewer expressed surprise, she stammered, "Oh, am I wrong about that?" That, my friends and enemies, could very well be the death knoll to this doomed campaign.

One thing is for sure.... after tonight, no more freakin' ads! And I can watch 24 in peace on Monday nights.

Friday, January 15, 2010

How To Turn Blue Into Red - The Scott Brown Recipe

"With all due respect sir, this is not the Kennedys' seat. This is not the Democrats' seat. This seat belongs to the people." Scott Brown, candidate to kick Martha Coakley's ass.

This just in: Scott Brown drives a pickup truck. As far as we can tell, that is some pretty fahkin important news because Martha “My Face Will Break If I Smile” Coakley seems to want to drive that point home in all of her ads. Hell, the only person more popular than Scott Brown right now is General Larry Platt of "Pants On The Ground" fame.

On Tuesday, Massachusetts (see, Marty, I spelled that correctly) voters are poised to make history and announce to the free world that Obamacare sucks and that negative campaigning alone will turn a sure fire winner into a testy, reporter pushing psycho. The dems want to call this Ted Kennedy’s seat (which has got to be one big fukkin seat), and have stoically announced
that were anyone not of the Kennedy persuasion to win the seat, it would be akin to blasphemy! But, much to the dismay of Obie and the Democrat National Party, Brown is about to smother the whole party with a pickup truck sized Cool Whip Pie. Latest polls show that Brown has revved up his Republican train and is steaming past Coakley, who can only look on with that same stunned look of Michael from Mary Poppins. Close your mouth please, Martha. We are not a codfish.



We interrupt this drivel for an unpaid advertisement from the Campaign to Elect Martha Coakley (aka – the Campaign to Avoid Complete and Utter Embarassment by Losing to a Republican in Massachusetts).


*Narrated by that creepy, low, horror story telling voice*

Scott Brown drives a pick up truck. And pickup trucks are bad. Scott Brown will have you believe that pickup trucks are good, but voting records show that George Bush and Dick Cheney also like pickup trucks, so of course pickup trucks are bad. Do we need another pickup truck loving Republican in Washington? Scott Brown marches in lock step with Bush and Cheney and assorted other evil-doers. He hates rape victims, poor people, Saint Ted Kennedy and YOU. Don’t let Scott Brown ruin my life.

(NOW BACK TO MY DRIVEL CURRENTLY IN PROGRESS:)
For those of you not paying attention, Ayla’s father has assumed a lead in some polls. The race for Fat Teddy’s seat is heating up and finally the good guy seems to be winning. And I firmly believe that he is winning because he has NOT resorted to slinging mud in Coakley’s direction. Watch the television ads this weekend… Coakley is outnumbering Brown 3-1 and many of her ads run back to back. And I challenge you to find ONE Brown commercial that attacks Coakley. Coakley accuses Brown of “banning emergency contraception for rape victims” and of “standing up against a woman’s right to choose.” In 2005, a bill was filed, and voted FOR by Scott Brown, that would require emergency rooms to provide contraception for rape victims. But what the Coakley campaign is clinging to is an amendment to that bill, written by Scott Brown, that would allow religiously based hospitals to deny emergency contraception to rape victims if it were against a sincerely held religious belief. That amendment failed, but I do not see it as a stand against rape victims, but rather a means to protect religiously based hospitals from being forced by the government to go against their values. Typical negative politics that ignore the entire story and only choose the words that can further their cause. It is the same semantics that the liberal Democrats toss out there when discussing tax cuts. “Scott Brown favors tax cuts for the wealthy,” according to a Coakley ad. Um, of course he does… he favors tax cuts for EVERYONE! Dems love to say that the Republicans are in favor of giving the biggest tax cuts to the wealthiest 1% of taxpayers. Well no fukking shit, assholes! Since the wealthiest 1% pay the most in taxes, wouldn’t it stand to reason that when a tax cut comes up, they get the bigger cut? If Richie Rich pays $100,000 a year in taxes and Peter Poorfolk pays $100 a year in taxes, and there was a 5% tax cut, who would get the bigger break? Math class was a long time ago, but I am pretty sure Mr. Rich would save $5,000 and Poorfolk would garner a $5 return on his investment. If the low income crybabies want a bigger tax break, then the answer is simple: start by paying MORE FUCKING TAXES!!!

The shell-shocked look on Martha’s face says it all to me. On a sidewalk in Washington DC this week, one of her aides knocked over a reporter who had the balls to ask her what she meant when she said that there is no more Taliban in Afghanistan. Marty told us all that she was not “privy to the details” of the incident. Ummm… what about the picture of you standing 3 feet away from the falling photog? Apparently your own fukkin eyes did not allow you to process what you had just seen. DON’T LIE TO US, it's INSULTING! If you wonder why you are falling in the polls, take a look at your own campaign. Your lack of balls (not intended as a chauvenistic remark, but ironic nonetheless) for not standing on your own issues has got the Democrat National Party and President Obie more nervous than a Twinkie in Oprah's cabinet.

CAN YOU HEAR THAT? THAT IS THE SOUND OF BLUE TURNING INTO RED! Like music...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

But It's Offensive, Right?

Let me get this straight... when the term "Negro" appeared on the US Census form last week, black leaders shouted from the rooftops that the government should be ashamed for calling on such an outdated and derogatory term to categorize African Americans. But when a dumb as shit Democrat senator (i.e. Harry Reid) talks about the absence of a "negro dialect" as a reason Americans would vote for Obama, it's okay because he has always been a "good guy!" B. Hussein Obama has even jumped quick to let the nation know that Reid has always been "on the right side of history" and that his remarks were not mean-spirited. (Author's Note: "right side of history" loosely translated means "right side of aisle") Give me a fahkin break Mr. Prez!! You were so gawd damn fast to call out Cambridge police officer as "acting stupidly" on national television just because he had the nerve to arrest a black Harvard professor for disorderly conduct. The police officer was doing his job.

So the big bad word that was offensive as recently as January 5th is now harmless on January 11th? Do I have to spell this out for you? Had those remarks been attributed to anyone with an R after their name, or even worse, to someone at Fox News, the Great March of Outrage would be starting at noon today. Sharpton and Jackson would be leading the way directly to the office of the racist Republican to drag him out of Washington by his KKK sheet. But, because the Senator in question is a powerful Democrat and Obie and his crew need every vote for the dead horse health care reform bill, let's just brush this cute little remark under the carpet and move on. They have more pressing matters to which they must attend - such as making sure Martha "Stiff Lips" Coakley beats Scott "Ayla's Daddy" Brown and protects that 60th vote.


ANOTHER NOTE THAT LENDS TO MY CONSTANT RANT ABOUT PRESIDENT SUPERSTAR:
The White House claims this billboard was put up without their approval and they are demanding it be taken down. Interestingly enough, the report is that it will not come down immediately because a new ad has to be created to take its place. It has now been more than 4 days and our supermodel president looks like something right out of a cologne ad. Call me cynical, but methinks the White House is really okay with the billboard... it goes right along with Obie's celebrity status. Here's betting a Got Milk photo will be showing up somewhere soon.

MEMO TO MARK McGWIRE

MEMORANDUM


To: Mark McGwire
From: Ken Underwood (on behalf of the entire world)
Re: Recent Confession
Date: 1/12/2010

NO FUKKING SHIT!

PS... hope the back acne and the little dick was worth it you putz!


Sunday, January 10, 2010

ONE AND DONE... REALLY DONE....

17 games later and the Patriots are done! 24 fukkin points allowed (or given away) in the first quarter makes for a long day in a Vrabel shirt slinging Buds. Flacco and his bad hip had 39 yards passing and he still won by 3 touchdowns!!! At least they didn't leave us guessing all game long!!

In a nutshell, this season was a freakin' nightmare for all things Patriot. Yeah, I know we won 10 games and made the playoffs... but did it ever feel good? Hell fukkin NO!! (okay, the snow game against the Titan JV team felt good) Ever since game 1 when some dumbass Buffalo Bill return guy (who cares what his name is) decided to be a hero and gifted us our first win, this season did not feel good. Losing to Jabba the Ryan and his big fat mouth in week 2 was simply an omen of things to come. And now that fat ass is still alive in the playoffs and our Pats are hanging up their jocks and hitting the golf courses about 4 weeks too gawd damn early!! But really, what looked so bright in the snow against the Titans in October was snuffed out at 4th and 2 in the Peyton Manning Dome a few weeks later and completely STOMPED in New Orleans.

So what went wrong this season? Lemme start by saying it was not Brady (that is until today when he looked like Mark Sanchez). He had a very good year and earned comeback player of the year for his efforts. I will say that he has got to stop beeyatching like a pussbag whenever a defensive player comes close to his shorthairs. White Wes kicked ass all year and Moss did his thing most of the time. The running game was a circus show, tho... with Happy Foot Maroney wondering if he ever wanted to go forward and Fred "The Real Running Back" Taylor going out with an injury too early in the season. The offensive line was for the most part a solid group and Sebastian Vollmer has Matt "which way did he go" Light worried about his job. But let's please get rid of Nick Kazcur first. Until today, the O-Line had gone several light years without allowing a sack, so I give them big props.

The offseason had better bring about a change of scenery on defense, for sure. When a guy who was waived twice in 2009 leads your team in sacks, you have some serious issues in the pass rush. And isn't it time to wish Adalius "What's that on your forehead?" Thomas a not so fond adieu? There has not been a worse investment since the British docked a ship full of tea in Boston Harbor. Jerod Mayo obviously needed a few more years with Bruschi and Vrabel before taking over the defense.

Okay... my head is still spinning and there is pizza in the kitchen. Dave and Babs... GREAT SEEING YOU GUYS TODAY! And remember Dave... forget about the game and remember the purple shirt to your right.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A B+??? Only if the B stands for Bullshit!

It has now been 350 something days of Hope-a-Palooza and time to take inventory as Obie nears his first year in office. What are we looking at so far? Partial ownership of the auto industry, nuclear proliferation in Iran and North Korea, thirty thousand more troops sent to Afghanistan, socialized health reform, the Great Apology Tour and a NoBalls Peace Prize! Yeah, I know I have been accused of bashing our President too much in this space and have really tried to lay off lately because I ain't no one trick pony, mutha fukkahs!! Excuse my gratuitous profanity, but I just love typing mutha fukkahs (see, I did it again and I say it with a real tough sounding tone as I type it). But today, my self-imposed moratorium is off. I have kept quiet on the 47% approval rating and have said squat about the Hawaiian vacation. Ummm... Happy New Year Obie.

Lemme see - in just the past couple of months we have had two (not one, but TWO) incidents of uninvited guests hanging out at the White House. Yeah, you know about the reality show couple, but do you know about the Darden's from Georgia (Click Here)? This very innocent, yet calendar challenged couple from the land of Jimmy Carter, got themselves into a Veterans Day breakfast with the President even though they were not part of the group of Veterans being honored. And this happened two weeks BEFORE the intentional party crashers made news. (SIGN ON WHITE HOUSE GATE: Keep Out Fox News. All Others: You can sneak in around the back). Seems security may not be a high priority for this administration. Oh, let's not forget about the terrorist shooting at Fort Hood and the dumb ass Christmas Day firecrackers in the pants Al Quaida asshat who snuck through security and got on a plane to Detroit and tried to destroy America by blowing up his own balls.

Okay, enough about the security problems of the Administration. Let's get to the things that ought to piss you all off. Tell me what you think is less expensive - taking your vacations at your own personal ranch in Texas and at your parents' home in Maine or a Hawaiian holiday vacation and a European jaunt for your wife and kids? Don't let the fukkin J-Crew catalog fool you, this is one spend happy family that is enjoying every perk of power that comes with the new house.

In summary and before my spaghetti is heated up in the microwave, let's look at B. Hussein Obama's list of accomplishments in his first year:
  • New dog
  • Named new dog
  • Hawaiian vacation (took dog)
  • Nobel Peace Prize (dog stayed home)
  • Oprah special
  • One hugfest with American hater Hugo Chaves
  • Chicago Olympics in 2016 (ooops, never mind)
  • Jay Leno appearance
  • One beer summit
  • 22 personal assistants for Michelle
  • Halted nuclear programs in Iran and North Korea (oops again)
  • David Letterman appearance
  • Withdrawal of troops from Iraq (oops)
  • Obliteration of the word "terrorist" from our language
  • The closing of Guatanamo Bay (trust me, it's gonna happen)
Can you still feel the hope? If it feels like someone has reached into your wallet and taken your money, then it must be hope.