Friday, January 15, 2010

How To Turn Blue Into Red - The Scott Brown Recipe

"With all due respect sir, this is not the Kennedys' seat. This is not the Democrats' seat. This seat belongs to the people." Scott Brown, candidate to kick Martha Coakley's ass.

This just in: Scott Brown drives a pickup truck. As far as we can tell, that is some pretty fahkin important news because Martha “My Face Will Break If I Smile” Coakley seems to want to drive that point home in all of her ads. Hell, the only person more popular than Scott Brown right now is General Larry Platt of "Pants On The Ground" fame.

On Tuesday, Massachusetts (see, Marty, I spelled that correctly) voters are poised to make history and announce to the free world that Obamacare sucks and that negative campaigning alone will turn a sure fire winner into a testy, reporter pushing psycho. The dems want to call this Ted Kennedy’s seat (which has got to be one big fukkin seat), and have stoically announced
that were anyone not of the Kennedy persuasion to win the seat, it would be akin to blasphemy! But, much to the dismay of Obie and the Democrat National Party, Brown is about to smother the whole party with a pickup truck sized Cool Whip Pie. Latest polls show that Brown has revved up his Republican train and is steaming past Coakley, who can only look on with that same stunned look of Michael from Mary Poppins. Close your mouth please, Martha. We are not a codfish.



We interrupt this drivel for an unpaid advertisement from the Campaign to Elect Martha Coakley (aka – the Campaign to Avoid Complete and Utter Embarassment by Losing to a Republican in Massachusetts).


*Narrated by that creepy, low, horror story telling voice*

Scott Brown drives a pick up truck. And pickup trucks are bad. Scott Brown will have you believe that pickup trucks are good, but voting records show that George Bush and Dick Cheney also like pickup trucks, so of course pickup trucks are bad. Do we need another pickup truck loving Republican in Washington? Scott Brown marches in lock step with Bush and Cheney and assorted other evil-doers. He hates rape victims, poor people, Saint Ted Kennedy and YOU. Don’t let Scott Brown ruin my life.

(NOW BACK TO MY DRIVEL CURRENTLY IN PROGRESS:)
For those of you not paying attention, Ayla’s father has assumed a lead in some polls. The race for Fat Teddy’s seat is heating up and finally the good guy seems to be winning. And I firmly believe that he is winning because he has NOT resorted to slinging mud in Coakley’s direction. Watch the television ads this weekend… Coakley is outnumbering Brown 3-1 and many of her ads run back to back. And I challenge you to find ONE Brown commercial that attacks Coakley. Coakley accuses Brown of “banning emergency contraception for rape victims” and of “standing up against a woman’s right to choose.” In 2005, a bill was filed, and voted FOR by Scott Brown, that would require emergency rooms to provide contraception for rape victims. But what the Coakley campaign is clinging to is an amendment to that bill, written by Scott Brown, that would allow religiously based hospitals to deny emergency contraception to rape victims if it were against a sincerely held religious belief. That amendment failed, but I do not see it as a stand against rape victims, but rather a means to protect religiously based hospitals from being forced by the government to go against their values. Typical negative politics that ignore the entire story and only choose the words that can further their cause. It is the same semantics that the liberal Democrats toss out there when discussing tax cuts. “Scott Brown favors tax cuts for the wealthy,” according to a Coakley ad. Um, of course he does… he favors tax cuts for EVERYONE! Dems love to say that the Republicans are in favor of giving the biggest tax cuts to the wealthiest 1% of taxpayers. Well no fukking shit, assholes! Since the wealthiest 1% pay the most in taxes, wouldn’t it stand to reason that when a tax cut comes up, they get the bigger cut? If Richie Rich pays $100,000 a year in taxes and Peter Poorfolk pays $100 a year in taxes, and there was a 5% tax cut, who would get the bigger break? Math class was a long time ago, but I am pretty sure Mr. Rich would save $5,000 and Poorfolk would garner a $5 return on his investment. If the low income crybabies want a bigger tax break, then the answer is simple: start by paying MORE FUCKING TAXES!!!

The shell-shocked look on Martha’s face says it all to me. On a sidewalk in Washington DC this week, one of her aides knocked over a reporter who had the balls to ask her what she meant when she said that there is no more Taliban in Afghanistan. Marty told us all that she was not “privy to the details” of the incident. Ummm… what about the picture of you standing 3 feet away from the falling photog? Apparently your own fukkin eyes did not allow you to process what you had just seen. DON’T LIE TO US, it's INSULTING! If you wonder why you are falling in the polls, take a look at your own campaign. Your lack of balls (not intended as a chauvenistic remark, but ironic nonetheless) for not standing on your own issues has got the Democrat National Party and President Obie more nervous than a Twinkie in Oprah's cabinet.

CAN YOU HEAR THAT? THAT IS THE SOUND OF BLUE TURNING INTO RED! Like music...

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