Tuesday, January 26, 2010

State of the Union - sneak preview

I disguised myself as a blonde woman with reality show aspirations and snuck into the White House last week to steal a copy of Obie's State of the Union address. I am sure this is just a draft copy, but my guess is he will pretty much stick to the script tomorrow night when he speaks to the nation. Since I will be spending tomorrow evening sticking hot skewers under my fingernails rather than listen to his drivel, I thought I would peruse his speech. Enjoy.

Madaam Speaker, you crazy ol’ tart, Mr. President (the only time you will hear me call you that, Joe), members of Congress, my fellow Americans and the lovely {cough} Mrs. Obama:

I hope you like what I have done with the background for tonight’s television special, er, I mean address. Although the American Flag has served as the backdrop for every State of the Union address in history, I thought this ginormous portrait of me in a white diaper and a crown of thorns would put an exclamation point on the air of change that is sweeping the nation. If you don’t like it, you can blame Scott Brown and George Bush.

A year ago, I spoke to you with the hopes of a nation resting squarely on my bad ass basketball playing, cigarette smoking shoulders. A year ago, we were staring straight into the teeth of an economic disaster without equal in our great history and we were mired in the midst of foreign policy debacle that had us fighting two wars and pissing off the entire world. It is hard to believe that in just a short twelve months, I have a new dog and a Nobel Peace prize. So I say to you John McCain voters… “How do ya like me now??”

I can see my man Scott Brown in the audience tonight. Now, I know you haven’t been sworn in yet (big wink to John Kerry), but I gotta tell you dude – never thought I would see you here. Did you find a place to park your truck? (pause for standing ovation and uncontrollable giggles from Democrat side). I hope you will stick around for Paul Kirk’s going away party – gonna be a real ripper. By the way, effective tomorrow, your National Guard unit will be deployed to Antarctica to assist the polar bear community with sandbagging detail. The icebergs are melting, you know. So it looks like you won’t be the 41st vote afterall…heheeheeeeee

2010 will mark the beginning of a historic period in our nation’s history. I plan to introduce a series of exciting initiatives that will serve to improve not only the lives of every American, but also heighten my television exposure even more, which is really important if I am ever to reach my true goal of co-starring with Michael Strahan on Brothers.

The State of the Union address has historically been a time to reflect on the past year and to look forward to the challenges that a new year brings. Foreign policy has not been our strong suit of late and I would like to further extend my apologies to any third world country out there whose asses we have pulled from the fire. I had hoped to apologize to all of the countries in person but my television appearance schedule kept me from making all those trips. So, to all of the countries I missed: For the billions of dollars, endless supplies of resources and thousands of lost American lives we have given to better your country, I am deeply sorry.

Since my healthcare reform bill is dead in the water, it is imperative that we get back to work on reforming healthcare. We can address healthcare, immigration and the economy in one sweeping move: First, let’s print a shitload of extra money. Invest the money in used box trucks and inflatable rafts. From there, we will open the Federal Bureau of Immigrant Transportation and thus we will create thousands of jobs for drivers and boat captains. The money raised from the tax revenue from these new jobs and from the per passenger fee will be earmarked to buy health insurance for all those who are too lazy to get a job with benefits. Problems solved. See you in the history books.

In closing, I would like to thank this side of the aisle for your endless standing ovations that caused this speech to run over and preempt American Idol. Remember, Fox TV is evil.

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