Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Veggie Dogs At Fenway... The Apocalypse Is Upon Us

Obstructed viewing didn't ruin it. $40 to park didn't ruin it. $7 beers didn't ruin it. The Coca-Cola bottles and Monstah seats didn't even ruin it. But Luchino, Warner and Henry have finally done it. Fenway Park has gone to bed with PETA... Forget the pickups of Lackey, Beltre and Scutaro. The Red Sox have introduced a few new additions to the Fenway experience that has me scratching my bald head with a "what the fuck is going on" look in my eyes. The world of greasy sausage and onions, mystery meat Fenway franks, peanuts and Crackerjacks has been compromised with menu items for the salad eating herbivores. Aramark is adding veggie burgers, veggie dogs and mozzarella stromboli to the big white food boards under the stands. And they brought out ol' mush mouth himself (Mayor Menino). Just what we needed to see is that guy's oversized tongue trying to wrap itself around a veggie burger. He already talks as if his mouth is full - so seeing him try to talk with his cheeks packed with tofu was true Monty Python comedy. My rule (if I were allowed to make rules) would be simple... if someone has to ask what it is, then it should never be found at the concession stand of a ballpark. Leave the mozzarella stromboli in the North End for crying out loud. And veggie dogs??? Please tell me who the hell is going to eat these? I mean, isn't the real charm of the hot dog all about the wondrous mixture of meat by-product and the taste that stays with you for hours? Unless a veggie dog repeats with each burp, it needs to be kept away from Fenway. And don't give me this shit that vegetarians need something to eat at Fenway. They already had peanuts, cotton candy and snow cones. Besides, the "Yankees Suck" yelling Fenway faithful are not exactly there for their health... the beer and dog sales alone should prove that. Jeezus Kryst does every company have to please every person out there? I guess the good news is that they are leaving the prices untouched... which means a slice of pizza will still only cost you $4.25. Times 8 means a $34 large pizza. Good thing the Sox are still concerned for their consumer!

So let's look at the 2010 Fenway experience for a moment... once you have skipped a car payment to buy tickets, you get to drop $40 in the hands of a non-English speaking lot attendant to park your car, sit your big 2010 ass in your tiny 1912 seat (that is hopefully NOT behind a big fucking green girder), fork over $7 for a watered down LA beer (yep, they still sell that shit) and woof down a stromboli while watching Big Popout jog back to the dugout again. I think I'll stay at home.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Sox/Yanks: 2010 Shit Fest Begins

Let the shit talking season begin. In just 6 days, my Sox open the season against the most despicable group of donkey diddlers ever to walk the earth. The fahkin' Spankees are coming to town and so commences 7 months of Yankees Suck chants and a whole society of gold chain wearing New Yorkahs braggin' on about how many fahkin rings they have... what's it up to now? 200 or so? Holy Christ... I can see the tshirts, hoodies and jackets now... looking like a fahkin Nascar racing suit with all the fahkin' rings or pennants all over them.

If you ain't a Yankee fan or ya ain't a Sox fan, then you just do not understand. So let me sum it up in a nutshell... the Yankees fahkin suck. You see, this is fun for us. Fun for us Red Sox fans and also fun for those ball scratching pinstriped blowhards.

It is really quite simple... we hate the Spankees and their fans because they have more championships than Kenyans have marathon wins. And a whole fahkin' lot more than my hometown team. Yeah, our hatred is irrational, childish and sophomoric. But who gives a rat's ass about that? It is our right to pin all kinds of nasty shit on the Bronx (ever wonder why the Bronx cheer is really just a fart sound effect?). But all championships aside, the fact remains that this team is one successful embezzlement or a salary cap away from being the Kansas City Royals. Yep, that's right... I'm pulling out the old faithful "The Yankees are buying their way to greatness" excuse. I know the Sox are pretty happy spenders too, but I don't care. That's my team and they are only trying to keep pace with the Evil Empire.

Junior Steindicker and his court even went so far as to build a new stadium last year that included a short right field porch and a hidden high powered turbine fan that is only turned on when the home town team is at bat. And you thought the Johnny Damon Fan referred to the one guy in the stands with the #18 jersey.

It is a rite of passage here in New England to hate everything pinstripe. From Babe Ruth and No No Nannette to Micky the Drunk to Lou "I'm so great they named a disease after me" Gehrig. From Mr. October to Bucky Fahkin Dent. From whatever Boone that was to GayRod's sissy white batting gloves. I could give a shit less about Don Zimmer's history with the Sox. Once that rolly polly gerbil donned the Yankee grey, it was no holds barred and when Pedro tossed him to the ground like a bag of leaves, I stood up and cheered. I don't care that he was 70 years old... he was a Spankee. So yes, we hate EVERYTHING Yankee.
But I have noticed a disturbing trend over the past few years. It started with respecting Joe Torre, which was bad enough. But nothing makes me shiver more than hearing a Sox fan say "You have to like Jetah - that guy is a playah." And I have heard that from too many supposed Sox fans. FAHK THAT!!! He's the face of that team and the guy I despise the most. Now my Yankee blowing friends might want to say that I only feel that way because my Sox loyalty will not allow me to acknowledge his true talent as the savior of the baseball world. Ummm... NOPE. I feel that way because I can't stand his pretty boy face, pissant smirk or most importantly, his uniform. And Jeter has GOT to be the most overrated shortstop in baseball. (Easy now... I am not saying he is not a good player, just that he is not as good as Joe Buck wants us to believe). The Mr. Clutch moniker, turning it on in October, is a freakin' joke... his playoff numbers are almost exactly the same as his regular season numbers - actually slightly worse. In 15 years, he has had just one season with over 100 RBIs (only 3 times did he have more than 80) and never more than 24 homeruns. Averaging 17 homers and 80 rbis... which is good... but certainly not worthy of the unending praise that this Mariah Fucker gets. And defensively, the only reason this guy does not get more than 20 errors every season is because his range is so fahkin horrible that some plays that better shortstops would make are singles up the middle for Jeter. Tough to score an error on someone who cannot get his glove on the ball. This guy dives into the seats once for a foul ball out and makes a couple of nifty little jumping turning throws to first, and he is the next Ozzie Smith??? I don't think so. Ever think that the reason he has to make those leaping throws is because his lack of range keeps him from getting to the ball with enough time to plant and throw? AVERAGE!!

Tom, Jimmy and Ramon... Bring it on baby!! Your team blows!!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Hack Holiday Is Right - And Proud Of It

What the fahk? Were those snowflakes I saw this morning on route 3? 75 degrees 6 days ago and fahkin snow this morning. Hatin' on New England right now... at least it's Friday and the fridge is full.

To all of you all who like to bitch about Massachusetts employees and our two so-called "hack" holidays, I have two words for you: Columbus fukkin Day! The easy road for everyone is to bitch about state employees because you think that since you pay our salary, you get to whine about benefits that come with our job. But quit being a fukkin hypocrit when you talk about the benefits that come with my job. You don't hear me bitching about how many weeks of vacation you have or how many business trips you take. If you are not from Massachusetts (lord knows this blog has gone inter-freakin-national), let me give you a quick breakdown. Along with 11 other paid holidays, Massachusetts employees are allowed time off for Evacuation Day and Bunker Hill Day. In Suffolk County, state and city offices are closed. But around the rest of the state, these two holidays are floated. And in no way should ANY of us apologize for having these two days to use. But for some reason, the majority of Massachusetts feels THESE TWO holidays are not worthy of having time off. What? Because Evacuation Day falls on St. Patrick's Day? I get it - this is probably no coincidence. But March 17th, 1776 was the day the British troops were driven from Boston. They hauled their tea drinking asses to Nova Scotia - (Wonder if Canada celebrates Here Come The Limeys Day)... Of course, with so many Irish in control in Boston in the 1800's, they found a lame reason to declare the 17th of March a holiday. As far as Bunker Hill Day goes (it marks the Battle of Bunker Hill that was fought on Breeds Hill and that the Americans lost), all I really know is that I get to use those 7.5 hours of holiday time to two wheel it up to Laconia Bike Week for some titties and beer. And no, I will not apologize for that. As a matter of fact, I brag about it just as much as you brag about your expense account or corporate travel. It's a benefit of my job and I accept it with pride.

So shall we call into question some of these other holidays? I don't hear much bitching from taxpayers about Presidents Day, Patriots Day or Columbus Day (we have those days off too). The origin of those holidays are also a bit suspect. Near as I can figure, Patriots Day in Massachusetts is a day set aside to sit roadside with a cooler of cold ones while watching a bunch of Kenyans run through Boston. Take in a game at Fenway and you have yourself one helluva holiday. Columbus Day is our chance to honor a murdering rapist whose genocidal tactics nearly depleted an entire race of Native Americans. But how do we celebrate it in New England? We go to the White Mountains and look at a bunch of dying leaves and call it pretty. No mention of the Nina, Pinta or Santa fukkin Maria. So get off your high horse about state employees taking "hack holidays." Unless you are ready to give up your Patriots Day or your Columbus Day or even your Christmas Day, you need to STFU!!

Let's get down to brass tacks now (if anyone knows what the hell that expression means, please let me know) - We state employees have to endure an entire month (August) without a holiday. How can I get that changed?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Hitler Learns His Mustache Is Out of Style

I know you are all expecting me to rail on the Health Care Enema recently delivered to the American people. Believe me, I have lost my mind on this bullshit. But today, let's leave Nancy Pelosi and her giant fucking gavel alone. Let's not laugh at Patrick "Has Anyone Seen My Mind" Kennedy and his quivering voice. Let's try to forget that our Congress has ignored their constituents in favor of backroom handjobs and White House special deals. Let's not even talk about the fact that our Constitution was used as fucking toilet paper on Sunday and that Obie told us that this $980 billion program will REDUCE our national debt. I just cannot talk about it anymore.

No, instead, let's have a little fun. I have seen these Hitler clips all over youtube and could not help but make a few of my own. So, using my wikkid pissah computer expertise, I came up with this little gem.

Now, I have no idea how to write one of them there disclaimahs to keep me from being busted by the Copyright Police, so let me just say this: To the writers, actors, producers and even the little pissant keygrips involved in the making of this movie, I am really sorry and mean no disrespect. Plus, I am not making money on this shit, so you cannot come after me anyway... neener neener neener. Oh, one more disclaimah - I have no idea what the real German translation is, but odds are that he is saying nasty things about the Jews. But that is the movie and that is Hitler... so if you are brushed up on your German, let me say this: The German tirade by the actor playing Hitler is in no way a reflection of the this blog. Well, except for the angry looks, I've been known to do that here and there.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Bruins Retaliation Much Like Their Season - WEAK

That’s it??? A few good knuckles to the head 2 minutes into the game, courtesy of Shawn Thornton and then that’s it??? Where was the run at Crosby (don't waah at me, and someone should have railed him as hard and as legally as possible)? Where was the constant cheap shots on Cooke? On "Big Bad Bruins Night" and with some major tough guys of yesteryear in attendance, the lone highlight of last night’s Bruins/Penguins game was the Thornton/Cooke fight. Yep, Thornton beat his ass and took him to the ice for a white wash and, to my delight, he kept pummeling Cooke even when the linesmen jumped in. Thornton’s assignment was simple… keep your eyes on the Penquin bench. As soon as that cheap season ending douchebag breaches the boards, get your ass out there and hand him his head. And that’s what happened, much to the delight of many a B’s fan. Alright, this is gonna be a fun night. I found myself wondering who would be the one to go after Cooke’s knees and who had the assignment to blindside Crosby. And then…… CRICKETS!!! NOTHING!!! Pitiful!!! Oh, right… Captain Z got into it in the second period for his first fight of the season. But with his two mile wing span, he still could not connect. Come on you big waste of a giant, get just a little bit closer so you could actually land a punch. He had Mike Rupp so far away, he couldn’t have hit him with a fukkin baseball bat. Haymakers creating more breeze than Big Papi swinging at a splitter in the dirt. A lame effort from the Captain.

So a 3-0 loss to Pittsburgh and Matt Cooke leaves town laughing his ass off at the entire Bruins organization because they brought NOTHING to the table. The fight, although good to see, was nothing in the grand scheme of things. Fights happen all the time. That ass should have spent all night with a stick across his back or an elbow in his ribs. Memo to any future potential Bruins players… if you want to pull on that black and gold sweater, then you had better check your balls at the door.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Killer Hawaiian Earthquake of 2006 - Remember It?

Do you remember the great earthquake of Hawaii in 2006, a natural catastrophe worthy of being mentioned in the same fahkin sentence as Hurricane Katrina?? You don't??? Well President B. Hussein O'bama (Irish for the day, my friends) sure does remember it. Read on...
Last night, Obie took a big risk and sat down for an interview with Fox News Brett Baier to once again remind us all why we are idiots for not wanting his health care bill. Obviously Fox was taking a break from killing puppies and destroying the world in order to talk to the Prez. I for one am sick and fahkin' tired of hearing this guy tell us that a vote against his healthcare reform bill is a vote against healthcare and a vote in favor of the status quo. As if those against his bill would rather have people dying in the streets. No, Mr. President... a vote against your bill is a vote against (now listen very closely) YOUR HEALTHCARE REFORM BILL and the billions of dollars it will cost us. So now Congress is pulling out old parliamentary rules as a means to pass the bill without a traditional vote. More of the government force feeding us shit we don't want while telling us it is good for us.... kinda like feeding a baby strained carrots - OPEN WIDE, HERE COMES THE CHOO CHOO!

So anyway, when asked why Louisiana is getting $300 million dollars as part of this bill, a clause added to get LA senator Mary Landrieu's vote, here came the response: He claimed that the provision is a good one because it will help any state that has suffered through a "natural catastrophe, that has created a special health care emergency in that state." Obie rightly mentions Katrina and the true health care emergency there. But then he loses his mind as he continued. "It also affects Hawaii, which went through an earthquake. So it is not just a Louisiana provision." What the HUH???? I had to google that sumbitch to find out what fahkin earthquake this guy was talking about? (if you remembered the earthquake, well then you read a few more pages of the paper that day) Turns out, in October of 2006, a major earthquake did in fact strike Hawaii (6.7 on the Holy Fuck What Was That Scale). And the millions of dollars in property damage was certainly a bummer for the islands. But a "healthcare emergency"???? Here are the other numbers - NO DEATHS and NO SERIOUS INJURIES. Not exactly a serious strain on the healthcare industry, Medicare or Medicaid. But Obie had to find a way to show that the $300 million dollar Louisiana Purchase was not just to get Louisiana's vote. Sorry B, you are going to have to do better than that.

I saw a tshirt that sums up this hot button topic better than any poll numbers: WHAT YOU SHOVE DOWN OUR THROAT IN 2009, WE WILL SHOVE UP YOUR ASS IN 2010. Come on November!!!! HEY CONGRESS.... HERE COMES THE CHOO CHOO!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

It's P of the P, Baby... P of the P

Proof positive that we men will do anything for the vajayjay!! As a New England football fan, I cannot remember a more embarassing Patriot moment since, well..... okay, since the first fahkin punch in the nuts play from scrimmage during that dreadful playoff game against the Ravens in January. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy....what are you doing??? Hillbilly Peyton makes kick ass commercials and you do a fahkin Mr. Rogers type spot for Earth Hour??? Hell, you are even wearing the dorky sweater!! C'mon TB - get it together - better hope real tough guy Wes Welker doesn't see this, or he will make his way to your pretty little kitchen and shove his crutches up your earth loving ass.

I get it... Giselle is way hawt and you are doing this for her. Plus, you want to put another good deed in the "Gimme Some" Bank for future use. But did you really need to stoop to this? You look like an ass, man!!! Had you a real set, the script would be more like this:

"Hi, I'm Tom Brady from Boston, Massachusetts. Earth Hour is coming up and I don't have the slightest clue how turning my lights off for an hour will save the world. But I do know that as soon as this camera crew leaves, I am getting me some big time monkey sex right here on the counter. So at 8:30 on March 27th or whenever, turn your lights off. Now go away! Giselle, honey, I did it. I'll get the wet suit and Cool Whip and meet you upstairs."

Now for the whole Earth Hour bullshit... so if we all turn our lights off at 8:30 on March 27th, the ozone layer will close right up and Al Gore will finally shut the fuck up?? If that's the case, then I am in. Otherwise, look at this for what it is... climate whackos with nothing better to do than turn on high powered lights and equipment to make commercials telling us to turn our lights off.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Phantom Sot - 5 stars

Found a great new place last night.... Halligan Tavern in Derry, NH. Three ambitious young micks shuffled their way out of Nashua's Peddler's Daughter and opened up their own place in an old firehouse. Oh yeah... these guys must have some major blarney stones to open a business in this shitful economy. But I gotta tell ya - with 24 beers on tap and a staff of bartenders hell bent on making your time there a good one, these dudes are gonna do just fine. Kim and I had a freakin' blast chattin it up with Tara, who would be flyin off to the Bahamas the next morning, just hours after pouring my last Guinness. Tara makes a fahkin' pissah bloody mary, according to my lovely bride. And she draws a nifty pint of stout too. And then there was Ashley (aka Emma). She did not wait on us much, but I get the feeling this young lass is a few turnips short of a boiled dinner. But crazy is good and I would buy beers off her all night long. All that being said, the menu seemed wikkid fahkin pricy for my liking... that is until I saw the plates of food coming out of the kitchen. Holy fahkin Christ!!! The dude next to me had a ruben sandwich that was just slightly smaller than a Volkswagen! And the club sandwich is two stories tall. Mac and cheese is listed on the menu at 13 bucks.... I did not see a plate come out, but I would be willing to bet that it could feed the whole freakin' IRA. We settled for just an appetizer... potene (fries topped with cheese, bacon and gravy). And that might as well have been dinner. A big thank you to the three owners, each of whom stopped by our seats to chat it up and even bought us a round. Good guys and a good place... and I will be back there on St. Patrick's Day for breakfast (Lucky Charms and Guinness) to kick off the holiday in fine fashion.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Milk Is The New White Collar Drug

So Lindsey Lohan, aka "nutty fukkin drunk ass daughter of a maniac", is suing eTrade for a commercial that references a 4 month old hooked on milk who happens to be named Lindsey. Yeah.... that was the first thing I thought of when I saw that commercial, because Lindsey Lohan is known for crawling around in diapers selling herself for a glass of milk!!! Fahkin' whack job! And some shameless attorney took the case - they are asking for $100 million beans to account for the pain and suffering cast upon her by the commercial. PAIN AND SUFFERING???? Let's go nuts for a moment here (joining ol' Lindsey on the psycho taxi) and say that eTrade was in fact trying to take a shot at Lohan. And let's say that some dipshits actually thought of her when they saw that commercial and laughed out loud in the comfort of their living room. Tell me this: where is the fahkin' pain??? Oh right - I can see why she would be all pissed off because some company claimed she was a milkaholic - after all, only losers, whores and skid row pedestrians drink milk, right? I know this much - when I need milk for my house, I travel out of state in hoodie and shades to a milk lab in Vermont because the last thing I need is to spoil my pristine reputation by going public with my affinity for milk.

Hey Lindsey, if you cannot get pain and suffering damages from your bat shit crazy father, the prospect of winning this suit falls with the Chance brothers - Slim, Fat and No. Good fahkin' luck you dumb shit!
So if you would excuse me, I need to get to the Milkadone Clinic for my treatment. And then I am contacting my attorney Patty Dewey, Esq. of Dewey, Screwem and Howe to launch my lawsuit against Ken's Salad Dressing and Underwood Deviled Ham, those heartless assholes.

Disclaimer: Credit to the Stooges for the Dewey, Screwem and Howe reference and to Google Images for the priceless pic above of a passed out milkaholic....heeeeeeee

THE COMMERCIAL IN QUESTION... who the hell does NOT laugh at these ads?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Bruins Credit Lifetime Movies For Their Nice Guy Image

The big bad Bruins have turned over a new leaf this year. Gone are the days of Stan Jonathan, Terry O'Reilly, Jay Miller and Lydon Byers - days when the boys in the black and gold sweaters would be quick to lay the hammer to any opponent who dared even look at them the wrong way. Although the current trend of patty cake hockey at the Gahden has B's fans scratching their mullets with dismay, this new style of play is no accident. And the Bruins owe their newfound nice guy status to the efforts of President Barack Obama, whose first year in office has been marked by several apologies to other nations for past behavior of the United States and a committment to diplomacy over aggression.

"President Obama has shown us the light. We need to get beyond our big bad reputation and prove to the rest of the league that we can win with diplomacy and consideration for our friends on the other bench," said head coach Claude Julian, who last August instituted an off-season training program to help his players understand the importance of being nice. The 4 week program consisted of countless hours in the film room watching Lifetime movies and Miss Manners public service announcements. Additionally, Julian implemented a rigorous speed training program geared toward helping his players skate away from trouble as fast as fast can be. "The players were hesitant at first and wanted no part of playing nice. But by the end of the first week, they were starting to see the light." And the results of this program are paying off on the ice. The Bruins have made a committment to score no more than one goal per game, and aside from a few lapses, they have done very well in this area. "Goalies have feelings and the last thing we want to do is embarass a goalie by ringing up score after score," said team captain Zdeno Chara. "We have to worry about his family and his kids, you know."

Former tough guy Milan Lucic looks back on last season and his many one punch knockouts with a hint of shame. "I cannot believe I could hold so much aggression toward fellow players. I am happy to say that is not me anymore." Just last week, Lucic accepted a challenge from that big meanie in Toronto, Colton Orr. Lucic claims accepting the challenge was a momentary loss of focus and quickly asked the officials to step in and stop the fight. "I decided to stop the fight and ask him to dinner instead. That did not go over very well with Colton and he promised to kick my ass again. I guess not everyone wants to take the high road."

Julian was quick to praise his team for not retaliating against the Penguins after Matt Cooke lodged his elbow in the ear of Marc Savard last week, knocking him into another world. "In years past, a cheap hit like that would have been followed by some nasty retaliation. But these are the new Bruins. And when we play the Penguins again on the 18th in the Garden, I expect our players to give him a big hug and let him know that there are no hard feelings. I also think it is important that our fans apologize to Mr. Cooke for the name calling over the past several days." The NHL is also starting to grasp the Bruins philosophy. They issued no suspension to Cooke after his blatant cheap shot on Savard. Spokesman Willie B. Apussy issued the following statement: "Since the Bruins were not angry with the hit and since Matt Cooke promised to never ever hit anyone again, we felt it would be best to forgive and forget. We look forward to seeing Matt Cooke roam the ice with no fear of being decapitated."

The fans in Boston may not be happy, but they will soon see the light. Rumor has it that the top 10 candidates this year for the Lady Byng Trophy all wear the spoked B and call the Gahden home. In a related story, Bruins Vice President Cam Neely is rumored to have been holed up in his office for the past 10 days, afraid to come out and be associated with this team.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Nomah Forevah... BLECH!!

What a freakin' egomaniac!! The most overrated douche to don a Sox uniform made news today because he, sniff, signed a one day contract today just so he could retire as a Red Sox player!! What kind of phony public relations stunt is this anyway? What does he get for retiring while wearing a Red Sox hat? Does he get to sit beside Johnny Pesky until he too is pissing in his diaper in between fungo session? Or does he just want to have a lifetime pass into Rem Dawg's new restaurant? I'm betting this big nosed steroid pumper is thinking he will get his number 5 on the right field stands. I know there are plenty o' Nomah fans out there who think today was a fitting end to his career... after all, he will always be a Red Sox player. It's his family.... oh gawd, where's the brown lunch bag before I blow chunks all over my keyboard. Nomah was a great hitter, I will give him that. But he was a crybaby bitch who complained about the media since the day he got here. And even today, he was on WEEI explaining to all that the media never did understand him while he was here. Nomah cannot let it go. And let's not even get into the game in July of '04 in New York when this pussbag quit on his team and sat out a game in Yankee stadium, the same game where Derek Jeter smashed his face into the stands going after a foul ball. My memory of Garciaparra is not his batting titles nor his Tourets like tics in the batters box... no, the image of #5 for me will always be his phony end of the season thank yous to the fans, the same people who he in fact despised. If I have to watch him wave to the fans at Fenway once again, patting his heart and doing the Bill Clinton lip bite to hold back his, ahem, "emotions", I might just lose it. The Sox brass is probably already planning fukkin Nomah Day, complete with bobble nose dolls and steroid injections. What's that? Nomah would never cheat? Hmmm... the other memory I have of this con artist is the Sports Illustrated cover where the skinny little shortstop from Georgia Tech showed a "new and improved physique" back in 2004. You be the judge....

So be ready for the love fest... I'll be busy sticking skewers under my fingernails.

Kiss Me, I'm Irish - and Pass The Whiskey

The song remains the same – in this day and age of the easily offended, the Irish continue to prove that they could give a shit less about the stereotypes placed upon them. As a matter of fact, the Irish embrace these generalizations like Oscar nominee Gabby Sidibe embraces a buffet table. Be it about drinking, bad teeth, potatoes or little dicks, the Irish can take it. All that whiskey and cabbage must lend to strong moral fiber because you have never seen a gaggle of Irish picketing a Celtics game or boycotting Lucky Charms. There is no push to ban the somersaulting leprechaun mascot at Boston Garden or the Fighting Irish nickname of Notre Dame because we LOVE the attention being paid to our heritage! (By the way, in an unrelated argument, why IS Notre Dame called the Fighting Irish? Notre Dame is French for “Our Lady.” Should it not then be the Notre Dame Running Away French? Just asking. And before you frogs git all pissy with me, take a page from the Irish handbook…. Laugh it off and enjoy life).

So come this Wednesday, the 17th of March, we real Irish will once again celebrate our heritage with morning drinking, afternoon corned beef and late night drunken rebel sing-a-longs. Some of us will even have the day off from work because here in Massachusetts, some wise politicians of yore created Evacuation Day to fall on the 17th. And the funny thing is that the non-Irish will don their green socks and stupid looking leprechaun hats, pick up their plastic shillalaghs, pin a blinking green Kiss Me I’m Irish button on their shirt and spend all night doing the fukkin Unicorn dance and spilling green Budweiser all over the floor. Sure, they wanna be Irish for at least one day. That is until you tell them about the small dicks and the bad teeth… then they want out.

And of course, how could this be a true Shits & Giggles post without at least some reference to our President. Saw this last year and given the Irish tone of March, felt it would fit right in….

Friday, March 5, 2010

Beacon Hill: Idiots, Imbeciles and Morons, Oh My!

There is an entire month set aside to promote awareness and they have their own Olympic games. Today marks the fifth day of March and thus the fifth day of Mental Retardation Awareness month (but I don't think it's called that anymore). But your elected officials have decided to take yet another phony stand to try to make them look better in the eyes of some voters. Turns out that there is now a push to ban the word "retarded" (or retahded as we say here in New England) from our vocabulary because of its negative association to people with intellectual disabilities. (By the way, the Latin origin of disabilities is death (dis) of abilities - hmmm.... not so nice either)

The funny thing about words is that they become associated with whatever it is they are used to describe. Think for a minute about the word "postal".... a harmless term that has taken on a new meaning over the past 20 years. What used to defined as "of the mail delivery service" now means "fukkin bat shit crazy and will shoot you up like target practice." Here I have attached the "Retahded Wheel of Fortune" for your education. Believe it or not, back in the early part of last century, the proper and accepted clinical terms to describe the various levels of intellectual deficits were "idiot," "moron" and "imbecile"... Cannot imagine that, right? Read an old file and you will see people described as "handsome, well groomed imbecile" and or "George is a 25 year old moron of a detached family, several of whom are also feeble-minded. Well, just like 50 is the new 30, apparently "retard" has become the new "idiot." It's a nasty, mean spirited term and is horribly offensive to those with retardation, and it makes me bristle with disgust when I hear it. But can we really ban a word?

My point here is not about whether or not people should use the term freely (because they should not), but rather that the state legislature in Massachusetts is spending time talking about banning the word. Give me a fukkin break!!! You CANNOT ban a word because it is mean. And let's face it, this is simply grand standing on behalf of a certain group of people so that our oh so God Damned Wonderful representatives can pat themselves on the back and show everyone just how noble they are. The only thing missing is a group photo at the Grand Staircase with the Gov, legislators and a couple of cute little kids with Down Syndrome holding up their medals. But that is coming... I can assure you of that. I wonder if next month, they will take a stand on behalf of mailmen and ban "postal" and rename the US Postal Service.

While we are on the topic of government trying to control its citizens, let's look at another item on this week's To Do List for those nose picking control freaks on Beacon Hill:

They are hard at work debating a bill to that will forbid parents from having their newborn sons circumsized. After all, what the fuck do parents have to do with raising their children? The people in support of this bill (yes I am not making it up) actually have the balls to say that "newborns are unable to give consent to such a procedure, thus it should not be allowed." Um, newborns do not consent to being born or to receiving vaccinations either, but those things still go on with alarming regularity.

Is there anything else that they could be working on? Next week, they will need to prioritize between addressing the unemployment crisis or debating whether or not those Go Slow Children signs are disparaging to slow children.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Deval "Single Term" Patrick Does It Again

Three and a half years ago, Deval Patrick promised transparency in state government. He was right about that. It has become transparent that he is a buffoon who simply does not understand the citizens of Massachusetts.

On Monday, the Massachusetts Registry started charging a $5 fee for any transactions done in person at their sites. A move Governor Patrick signed off on and claimed was designed to drive traffic to the internet and reduce waiting lines at the registry. He is only thinking about you, the citizens. BULL Fing SHIT!! Typical Patrick administration maneuver. Come up with an idea to make money off the backs of the taxpayers and then try to convince them you are doing it for their benefit. We all know it was a revenue generating idea that was going to hit only those people who are unable to use the internet - and who would that be? The elderly who may not even own a computer and the low income people who may not own a credit card (yes, the only form of payment allowed on the registry website is credit card). And think about it for a minute... don't you already pay a fee for transactions at the registry? There are plate fees, licence fees, renewal fees, tolerate the bitch at the window fee... all kinds of fees. And the idea was to add another fee called a transaction fee? By the way, this fee was slipped in so quietly that the Legislature did not even know about it. Transparent? I think not!

So, of course, hell was raised yesterday over the new fees. Pay attention Governor of the Lollipop Guild... these are tough economic times. Did you think the increase in fees would go unnoticed? And after just a few hours of pressure, ol' Deval announced (proudly I might add) that he will rescind the new fees. He claimed he was being responsive to the taxpayers by rescinding the fee. So now, after approving a sneaky new "tax" on the elderly and the poor, Patrick is trying to look like a hero for the elderly and the poor by declaring himself a responsive governor and saving them from this new fee. Instead of standing up for his "great ideas," he chickens out and quits the fight before it could really begin. Maybe a little bit of research before incorporating new fees would help you avoid this embarassment.

I have two words for you, Mr. Patrick.... SINGLE TERM! You idiot!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Sid "Varooka" Crosby Nets Gamewinner - Declares Himself King of Canada

Puhleeze.... NOT SIDNEY "THAT'S TOO MANY HATS" CROSBY!! I'm cool with Canada winning -well, not too cool but I can accept it because they were by far the best Olympic hockey team money could buy (combined NHL salary totalling $120 million, $50 million higher than second place USA). But did it have to be that whiny pissant Crosby punching America in the dick? This prick didn't even notch a point in the medal round but became an instant hero with his game winner on Sunday. Seriously, there has not been a more spoiled little bitch since Varooka WhatsHerName at the Chocolate Factory. "Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa now!" Crosby's moment of fame, when Alex Ovechkin got his hat trick first in that head to head matchup last year: "Daddy, I want them to stop throwing hats now!" And any of y'all wanna chime in and tell me how great Crosby is... fine- he is one fukkin' brilliant hockey player. But this canuck is nowhere NEAR the talent or class of Gretzky or Lemieux. He feels free to dish out hits, but if you touch him, he tears up like a fat kid who lost his swiss roll.

And another thing... did you hear the pathetic drama queen announcers after the game talking about the adversity the Canadians faced during the Olympics? Hmmm.... on a day when hundreds of people in Chile were killed in the most powerful earthquake to ever rock this world and in an Olympics where an athlete lost his life while competing for his country, these assholes had the balls to use the term adversity when talking about a 5-3 loss to the USA. It was after that game when I made up my mind that the Canadians could not lose fast enough. The arrogance following that loss was enough to make me throw up in my loud mouth. The whole snow covered, maple leaf waving country nearly overdosed on Labatts and back bacon as if the world had come to an end because they actually, GASP, lost to the Americans. F' THEM!!!

On the brighter than bright side, Ryan Miller was named Tournament MVP. This dude stood on his red white and blue head to bring his team and his nation this fukkin close to gold. The look on his face after that overtime goal was all anyone needed to see. He put it all out there for his team and it showed on his face.

Watching the medal ceremony, I was fully expecting Sid the Kid to grab the microphone and ask them to stop announcing the American players by name so that they could get down to the business of giving this queen his medal!

Hats off the Americans for a hell of an effort and serious congratulations to the Canadians for their victory (to all but Crosby... he can stuff his medal up his pompous ass, for all I care).