Wednesday, March 31, 2010
So let's look at the 2010 Fenway experience for a moment... once you have skipped a car payment to buy tickets, you get to drop $40 in the hands of a non-English speaking lot attendant to park your car, sit your big 2010 ass in your tiny 1912 seat (that is hopefully NOT behind a big fucking green girder), fork over $7 for a watered down LA beer (yep, they still sell that shit) and woof down a stromboli while watching Big Popout jog back to the dugout again. I think I'll stay at home.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
To all of you all who like to bitch about Massachusetts employees and our two so-called "hack" holidays, I have two words for you: Columbus fukkin Day! The easy road for everyone is to bitch about state employees because you think that since you pay our salary, you get to whine about benefits that come with our job. But quit being a fukkin hypocrit when you talk about the benefits that come with my job. You don't hear me bitching about how many weeks of vacation you have or how many business trips you take. If you are not from Massachusetts (lord knows this blog has gone inter-freakin-national), let me give you a quick breakdown. Along with 11 other paid holidays, Massachusetts employees are allowed time off for Evacuation Day and Bunker Hill Day. In Suffolk County, state and city offices are closed. But around the rest of the state, these two holidays are floated. And in no way should ANY of us apologize for having these two days to use. But for some reason, the majority of Massachusetts feels THESE TWO holidays are not worthy of having time off. What? Because Evacuation Day falls on St. Patrick's Day? I get it - this is probably no coincidence. But March 17th, 1776 was the day the British troops were driven from Boston. They hauled their tea drinking asses to Nova Scotia - (Wonder if Canada celebrates Here Come The Limeys Day)... Of course, with so many Irish in control in Boston in the 1800's, they found a lame reason to declare the 17th of March a holiday. As far as Bunker Hill Day goes (it marks the Battle of Bunker Hill that was fought on Breeds Hill and that the Americans lost), all I really know is that I get to use those 7.5 hours of holiday time to two wheel it up to Laconia Bike Week for some titties and beer. And no, I will not apologize for that. As a matter of fact, I brag about it just as much as you brag about your expense account or corporate travel. It's a benefit of my job and I accept it with pride.
So shall we call into question some of these other holidays? I don't hear much bitching from taxpayers about Presidents Day, Patriots Day or Columbus Day (we have those days off too). The origin of those holidays are also a bit suspect. Near as I can figure, Patriots Day in Massachusetts is a day set aside to sit roadside with a cooler of cold ones while watching a bunch of Kenyans run through Boston. Take in a game at Fenway and you have yourself one helluva holiday. Columbus Day is our chance to honor a murdering rapist whose genocidal tactics nearly depleted an entire race of Native Americans. But how do we celebrate it in New England? We go to the White Mountains and look at a bunch of dying leaves and call it pretty. No mention of the Nina, Pinta or Santa fukkin Maria. So get off your high horse about state employees taking "hack holidays." Unless you are ready to give up your Patriots Day or your Columbus Day or even your Christmas Day, you need to STFU!!
Let's get down to brass tacks now (if anyone knows what the hell that expression means, please let me know) - We state employees have to endure an entire month (August) without a holiday. How can I get that changed?
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
No, instead, let's have a little fun. I have seen these Hitler clips all over youtube and could not help but make a few of my own. So, using my wikkid pissah computer expertise, I came up with this little gem.
Now, I have no idea how to write one of them there disclaimahs to keep me from being busted by the Copyright Police, so let me just say this: To the writers, actors, producers and even the little pissant keygrips involved in the making of this movie, I am really sorry and mean no disrespect. Plus, I am not making money on this shit, so you cannot come after me anyway... neener neener neener. Oh, one more disclaimah - I have no idea what the real German translation is, but odds are that he is saying nasty things about the Jews. But that is the movie and that is Hitler... so if you are brushed up on your German, let me say this: The German tirade by the actor playing Hitler is in no way a reflection of the this blog. Well, except for the angry looks, I've been known to do that here and there.
Friday, March 19, 2010
So a 3-0 loss to Pittsburgh and Matt Cooke leaves town laughing his ass off at the entire Bruins organization because they brought NOTHING to the table. The fight, although good to see, was nothing in the grand scheme of things. Fights happen all the time. That ass should have spent all night with a stick across his back or an elbow in his ribs. Memo to any future potential Bruins players… if you want to pull on that black and gold sweater, then you had better check your balls at the door.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Proof positive that we men will do anything for the vajayjay!! As a New England football fan, I cannot remember a more embarassing Patriot moment since, well..... okay, since the first fahkin punch in the nuts play from scrimmage during that dreadful playoff game against the Ravens in January. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy....what are you doing??? Hillbilly Peyton makes kick ass commercials and you do a fahkin Mr. Rogers type spot for Earth Hour??? Hell, you are even wearing the dorky sweater!! C'mon TB - get it together - better hope real tough guy Wes Welker doesn't see this, or he will make his way to your pretty little kitchen and shove his crutches up your earth loving ass.
I get it... Giselle is way hawt and you are doing this for her. Plus, you want to put another good deed in the "Gimme Some" Bank for future use. But did you really need to stoop to this? You look like an ass, man!!! Had you a real set, the script would be more like this:
"Hi, I'm Tom Brady from Boston, Massachusetts. Earth Hour is coming up and I don't have the slightest clue how turning my lights off for an hour will save the world. But I do know that as soon as this camera crew leaves, I am getting me some big time monkey sex right here on the counter. So at 8:30 on March 27th or whenever, turn your lights off. Now go away! Giselle, honey, I did it. I'll get the wet suit and Cool Whip and meet you upstairs."
Now for the whole Earth Hour bullshit... so if we all turn our lights off at 8:30 on March 27th, the ozone layer will close right up and Al Gore will finally shut the fuck up?? If that's the case, then I am in. Otherwise, look at this for what it is... climate whackos with nothing better to do than turn on high powered lights and equipment to make commercials telling us to turn our lights off.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
"President Obama has shown us the light. We need to get beyond our big bad reputation and prove to the rest of the league that we can win with diplomacy and consideration for our friends on the other bench," said head coach Claude Julian, who last August instituted an off-season training program to help his players understand the importance of being nice. The 4 week program consisted of countless hours in the film room watching Lifetime movies and Miss Manners public service announcements. Additionally, Julian implemented a rigorous speed training program geared toward helping his players skate away from trouble as fast as fast can be. "The players were hesitant at first and wanted no part of playing nice. But by the end of the first week, they were starting to see the light." And the results of this program are paying off on the ice. The Bruins have made a committment to score no more than one goal per game, and aside from a few lapses, they have done very well in this area. "Goalies have feelings and the last thing we want to do is embarass a goalie by ringing up score after score," said team captain Zdeno Chara. "We have to worry about his family and his kids, you know."
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
What a freakin' egomaniac!! The most overrated douche to don a Sox uniform made news today because he, sniff, signed a one day contract today just so he could retire as a Red Sox player!! What kind of phony public relations stunt is this anyway? What does he get for retiring while wearing a Red Sox hat? Does he get to sit beside Johnny Pesky until he too is pissing in his diaper in between fungo session? Or does he just want to have a lifetime pass into Rem Dawg's new restaurant? I'm betting this big nosed steroid pumper is thinking he will get his number 5 on the right field stands. I know there are plenty o' Nomah fans out there who think today was a fitting end to his career... after all, he will always be a Red Sox player. It's his family.... oh gawd, where's the brown lunch bag before I blow chunks all over my keyboard. Nomah was a great hitter, I will give him that. But he was a crybaby bitch who complained about the media since the day he got here. And even today, he was on WEEI explaining to all that the media never did understand him while he was here. Nomah cannot let it go. And let's not even get into the game in July of '04 in New York when this pussbag quit on his team and sat out a game in Yankee stadium, the same game where Derek Jeter smashed his face into the stands going after a foul ball. My memory of Garciaparra is not his batting titles nor his Tourets like tics in the batters box... no, the image of #5 for me will always be his phony end of the season thank yous to the fans, the same people who he in fact despised. If I have to watch him wave to the fans at Fenway once again, patting his heart and doing the Bill Clinton lip bite to hold back his, ahem, "emotions", I might just lose it. The Sox brass is probably already planning fukkin Nomah Day, complete with bobble nose dolls and steroid injections. What's that? Nomah would never cheat? Hmmm... the other memory I have of this con artist is the Sports Illustrated cover where the skinny little shortstop from Georgia Tech showed a "new and improved physique" back in 2004. You be the judge....
So come this Wednesday, the 17th of March, we real Irish will once again celebrate our heritage with morning drinking, afternoon corned beef and late night drunken rebel sing-a-longs. Some of us will even have the day off from work because here in Massachusetts, some wise politicians of yore created Evacuation Day to fall on the 17th. And the funny thing is that the non-Irish will don their green socks and stupid looking leprechaun hats, pick up their plastic shillalaghs, pin a blinking green Kiss Me I’m Irish button on their shirt and spend all night doing the fukkin Unicorn dance and spilling green Budweiser all over the floor. Sure, they wanna be Irish for at least one day. That is until you tell them about the small dicks and the bad teeth… then they want out.
And of course, how could this be a true Shits & Giggles post without at least some reference to our President. Saw this last year and given the Irish tone of March, felt it would fit right in….
Friday, March 5, 2010
The funny thing about words is that they become associated with whatever it is they are used to describe. Think for a minute about the word "postal".... a harmless term that has taken on a new meaning over the past 20 years. What used to defined as "of the mail delivery service" now means "fukkin bat shit crazy and will shoot you up like target practice." Here I have attached the "Retahded Wheel of Fortune" for your education. Believe it or not, back in the early part of last century, the proper and accepted clinical terms to describe the various levels of intellectual deficits were "idiot," "moron" and "imbecile"... Cannot imagine that, right? Read an old file and you will see people described as "handsome, well groomed imbecile" and or "George is a 25 year old moron of a detached family, several of whom are also feeble-minded. Well, just like 50 is the new 30, apparently "retard" has become the new "idiot." It's a nasty, mean spirited term and is horribly offensive to those with retardation, and it makes me bristle with disgust when I hear it. But can we really ban a word?
My point here is not about whether or not people should use the term freely (because they should not), but rather that the state legislature in Massachusetts is spending time talking about banning the word. Give me a fukkin break!!! You CANNOT ban a word because it is mean. And let's face it, this is simply grand standing on behalf of a certain group of people so that our oh so God Damned Wonderful representatives can pat themselves on the back and show everyone just how noble they are. The only thing missing is a group photo at the Grand Staircase with the Gov, legislators and a couple of cute little kids with Down Syndrome holding up their medals. But that is coming... I can assure you of that. I wonder if next month, they will take a stand on behalf of mailmen and ban "postal" and rename the US Postal Service.
While we are on the topic of government trying to control its citizens, let's look at another item on this week's To Do List for those nose picking control freaks on Beacon Hill:
They are hard at work debating a bill to that will forbid parents from having their newborn sons circumsized. After all, what the fuck do parents have to do with raising their children? The people in support of this bill (yes I am not making it up) actually have the balls to say that "newborns are unable to give consent to such a procedure, thus it should not be allowed." Um, newborns do not consent to being born or to receiving vaccinations either, but those things still go on with alarming regularity.
Is there anything else that they could be working on? Next week, they will need to prioritize between addressing the unemployment crisis or debating whether or not those Go Slow Children signs are disparaging to slow children.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
On Monday, the Massachusetts Registry started charging a $5 fee for any transactions done in person at their sites. A move Governor Patrick signed off on and claimed was designed to drive traffic to the internet and reduce waiting lines at the registry. He is only thinking about you, the citizens. BULL Fing SHIT!! Typical Patrick administration maneuver. Come up with an idea to make money off the backs of the taxpayers and then try to convince them you are doing it for their benefit. We all know it was a revenue generating idea that was going to hit only those people who are unable to use the internet - and who would that be? The elderly who may not even own a computer and the low income people who may not own a credit card (yes, the only form of payment allowed on the registry website is credit card). And think about it for a minute... don't you already pay a fee for transactions at the registry? There are plate fees, licence fees, renewal fees, tolerate the bitch at the window fee... all kinds of fees. And the idea was to add another fee called a transaction fee? By the way, this fee was slipped in so quietly that the Legislature did not even know about it. Transparent? I think not!
So, of course, hell was raised yesterday over the new fees. Pay attention Governor of the Lollipop Guild... these are tough economic times. Did you think the increase in fees would go unnoticed? And after just a few hours of pressure, ol' Deval announced (proudly I might add) that he will rescind the new fees. He claimed he was being responsive to the taxpayers by rescinding the fee. So now, after approving a sneaky new "tax" on the elderly and the poor, Patrick is trying to look like a hero for the elderly and the poor by declaring himself a responsive governor and saving them from this new fee. Instead of standing up for his "great ideas," he chickens out and quits the fight before it could really begin. Maybe a little bit of research before incorporating new fees would help you avoid this embarassment.
I have two words for you, Mr. Patrick.... SINGLE TERM! You idiot!