Thursday, March 11, 2010

Bruins Credit Lifetime Movies For Their Nice Guy Image

The big bad Bruins have turned over a new leaf this year. Gone are the days of Stan Jonathan, Terry O'Reilly, Jay Miller and Lydon Byers - days when the boys in the black and gold sweaters would be quick to lay the hammer to any opponent who dared even look at them the wrong way. Although the current trend of patty cake hockey at the Gahden has B's fans scratching their mullets with dismay, this new style of play is no accident. And the Bruins owe their newfound nice guy status to the efforts of President Barack Obama, whose first year in office has been marked by several apologies to other nations for past behavior of the United States and a committment to diplomacy over aggression.

"President Obama has shown us the light. We need to get beyond our big bad reputation and prove to the rest of the league that we can win with diplomacy and consideration for our friends on the other bench," said head coach Claude Julian, who last August instituted an off-season training program to help his players understand the importance of being nice. The 4 week program consisted of countless hours in the film room watching Lifetime movies and Miss Manners public service announcements. Additionally, Julian implemented a rigorous speed training program geared toward helping his players skate away from trouble as fast as fast can be. "The players were hesitant at first and wanted no part of playing nice. But by the end of the first week, they were starting to see the light." And the results of this program are paying off on the ice. The Bruins have made a committment to score no more than one goal per game, and aside from a few lapses, they have done very well in this area. "Goalies have feelings and the last thing we want to do is embarass a goalie by ringing up score after score," said team captain Zdeno Chara. "We have to worry about his family and his kids, you know."

Former tough guy Milan Lucic looks back on last season and his many one punch knockouts with a hint of shame. "I cannot believe I could hold so much aggression toward fellow players. I am happy to say that is not me anymore." Just last week, Lucic accepted a challenge from that big meanie in Toronto, Colton Orr. Lucic claims accepting the challenge was a momentary loss of focus and quickly asked the officials to step in and stop the fight. "I decided to stop the fight and ask him to dinner instead. That did not go over very well with Colton and he promised to kick my ass again. I guess not everyone wants to take the high road."

Julian was quick to praise his team for not retaliating against the Penguins after Matt Cooke lodged his elbow in the ear of Marc Savard last week, knocking him into another world. "In years past, a cheap hit like that would have been followed by some nasty retaliation. But these are the new Bruins. And when we play the Penguins again on the 18th in the Garden, I expect our players to give him a big hug and let him know that there are no hard feelings. I also think it is important that our fans apologize to Mr. Cooke for the name calling over the past several days." The NHL is also starting to grasp the Bruins philosophy. They issued no suspension to Cooke after his blatant cheap shot on Savard. Spokesman Willie B. Apussy issued the following statement: "Since the Bruins were not angry with the hit and since Matt Cooke promised to never ever hit anyone again, we felt it would be best to forgive and forget. We look forward to seeing Matt Cooke roam the ice with no fear of being decapitated."

The fans in Boston may not be happy, but they will soon see the light. Rumor has it that the top 10 candidates this year for the Lady Byng Trophy all wear the spoked B and call the Gahden home. In a related story, Bruins Vice President Cam Neely is rumored to have been holed up in his office for the past 10 days, afraid to come out and be associated with this team.

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