Monday, March 29, 2010

Sox/Yanks: 2010 Shit Fest Begins

Let the shit talking season begin. In just 6 days, my Sox open the season against the most despicable group of donkey diddlers ever to walk the earth. The fahkin' Spankees are coming to town and so commences 7 months of Yankees Suck chants and a whole society of gold chain wearing New Yorkahs braggin' on about how many fahkin rings they have... what's it up to now? 200 or so? Holy Christ... I can see the tshirts, hoodies and jackets now... looking like a fahkin Nascar racing suit with all the fahkin' rings or pennants all over them.

If you ain't a Yankee fan or ya ain't a Sox fan, then you just do not understand. So let me sum it up in a nutshell... the Yankees fahkin suck. You see, this is fun for us. Fun for us Red Sox fans and also fun for those ball scratching pinstriped blowhards.

It is really quite simple... we hate the Spankees and their fans because they have more championships than Kenyans have marathon wins. And a whole fahkin' lot more than my hometown team. Yeah, our hatred is irrational, childish and sophomoric. But who gives a rat's ass about that? It is our right to pin all kinds of nasty shit on the Bronx (ever wonder why the Bronx cheer is really just a fart sound effect?). But all championships aside, the fact remains that this team is one successful embezzlement or a salary cap away from being the Kansas City Royals. Yep, that's right... I'm pulling out the old faithful "The Yankees are buying their way to greatness" excuse. I know the Sox are pretty happy spenders too, but I don't care. That's my team and they are only trying to keep pace with the Evil Empire.

Junior Steindicker and his court even went so far as to build a new stadium last year that included a short right field porch and a hidden high powered turbine fan that is only turned on when the home town team is at bat. And you thought the Johnny Damon Fan referred to the one guy in the stands with the #18 jersey.

It is a rite of passage here in New England to hate everything pinstripe. From Babe Ruth and No No Nannette to Micky the Drunk to Lou "I'm so great they named a disease after me" Gehrig. From Mr. October to Bucky Fahkin Dent. From whatever Boone that was to GayRod's sissy white batting gloves. I could give a shit less about Don Zimmer's history with the Sox. Once that rolly polly gerbil donned the Yankee grey, it was no holds barred and when Pedro tossed him to the ground like a bag of leaves, I stood up and cheered. I don't care that he was 70 years old... he was a Spankee. So yes, we hate EVERYTHING Yankee.
But I have noticed a disturbing trend over the past few years. It started with respecting Joe Torre, which was bad enough. But nothing makes me shiver more than hearing a Sox fan say "You have to like Jetah - that guy is a playah." And I have heard that from too many supposed Sox fans. FAHK THAT!!! He's the face of that team and the guy I despise the most. Now my Yankee blowing friends might want to say that I only feel that way because my Sox loyalty will not allow me to acknowledge his true talent as the savior of the baseball world. Ummm... NOPE. I feel that way because I can't stand his pretty boy face, pissant smirk or most importantly, his uniform. And Jeter has GOT to be the most overrated shortstop in baseball. (Easy now... I am not saying he is not a good player, just that he is not as good as Joe Buck wants us to believe). The Mr. Clutch moniker, turning it on in October, is a freakin' joke... his playoff numbers are almost exactly the same as his regular season numbers - actually slightly worse. In 15 years, he has had just one season with over 100 RBIs (only 3 times did he have more than 80) and never more than 24 homeruns. Averaging 17 homers and 80 rbis... which is good... but certainly not worthy of the unending praise that this Mariah Fucker gets. And defensively, the only reason this guy does not get more than 20 errors every season is because his range is so fahkin horrible that some plays that better shortstops would make are singles up the middle for Jeter. Tough to score an error on someone who cannot get his glove on the ball. This guy dives into the seats once for a foul ball out and makes a couple of nifty little jumping turning throws to first, and he is the next Ozzie Smith??? I don't think so. Ever think that the reason he has to make those leaping throws is because his lack of range keeps him from getting to the ball with enough time to plant and throw? AVERAGE!!

Tom, Jimmy and Ramon... Bring it on baby!! Your team blows!!!

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