Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Veggie Dogs At Fenway... The Apocalypse Is Upon Us

Obstructed viewing didn't ruin it. $40 to park didn't ruin it. $7 beers didn't ruin it. The Coca-Cola bottles and Monstah seats didn't even ruin it. But Luchino, Warner and Henry have finally done it. Fenway Park has gone to bed with PETA... Forget the pickups of Lackey, Beltre and Scutaro. The Red Sox have introduced a few new additions to the Fenway experience that has me scratching my bald head with a "what the fuck is going on" look in my eyes. The world of greasy sausage and onions, mystery meat Fenway franks, peanuts and Crackerjacks has been compromised with menu items for the salad eating herbivores. Aramark is adding veggie burgers, veggie dogs and mozzarella stromboli to the big white food boards under the stands. And they brought out ol' mush mouth himself (Mayor Menino). Just what we needed to see is that guy's oversized tongue trying to wrap itself around a veggie burger. He already talks as if his mouth is full - so seeing him try to talk with his cheeks packed with tofu was true Monty Python comedy. My rule (if I were allowed to make rules) would be simple... if someone has to ask what it is, then it should never be found at the concession stand of a ballpark. Leave the mozzarella stromboli in the North End for crying out loud. And veggie dogs??? Please tell me who the hell is going to eat these? I mean, isn't the real charm of the hot dog all about the wondrous mixture of meat by-product and the taste that stays with you for hours? Unless a veggie dog repeats with each burp, it needs to be kept away from Fenway. And don't give me this shit that vegetarians need something to eat at Fenway. They already had peanuts, cotton candy and snow cones. Besides, the "Yankees Suck" yelling Fenway faithful are not exactly there for their health... the beer and dog sales alone should prove that. Jeezus Kryst does every company have to please every person out there? I guess the good news is that they are leaving the prices untouched... which means a slice of pizza will still only cost you $4.25. Times 8 means a $34 large pizza. Good thing the Sox are still concerned for their consumer!



So let's look at the 2010 Fenway experience for a moment... once you have skipped a car payment to buy tickets, you get to drop $40 in the hands of a non-English speaking lot attendant to park your car, sit your big 2010 ass in your tiny 1912 seat (that is hopefully NOT behind a big fucking green girder), fork over $7 for a watered down LA beer (yep, they still sell that shit) and woof down a stromboli while watching Big Popout jog back to the dugout again. I think I'll stay at home.

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