Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Fenway Park - Where Singles Become Triples
The big Gardner Museum art heist of 1990? P-fuckin-shaw!! That is minor shoplifting compared to what has gone on in Boston during April.
At midnight last night, immediately following the coronation of Darnell MacDonald as the greatest Red Sox player in history, Mayor Mushmouth and Lord Deval of the Patrick were forced to call an emergency summit of all law enforcement personnel to address the alarming escalation of larceny in and around Fenway Park. Statistics have shown that, since early April, non-violent crime has nearly quadrupled in Kenmore Square, with most robberies occuring within the green girders of America's Most Beloved Ballpark. Authorities are now investigating what appears to be an organized crime ring that has infiltrated major league baseball and descended upon the Fens. The core of the problem lies with a gang thieves, similarly dressed in visitors grey, that has systematically stolen all of the bases from Fenway Park. This has prompted Theo "Run Prevention My Ass" Epstein to warn that all remaining home games may need to be cancelled. "We have no more bases. They keep stealing them out from under our weak arms. How can we play games without bases?" These criminals are so brazen that, be it night or day, they are committing their crimes in front of thousands of people and in front of television cameras. What is more troubling is that nobody appears willing to do anything about it except trot out Tim Wakefield's slow as shit knuckleball and Victor Martinez' Johnny Damon-like arm. To be fair, VMart's job title is "catcher" not "catcher/thrower." Vladimir Guerrero (I still don't know if he is Russian or Latino), old legs and all, even stole a base last night without so much as a "Hey you! Put that back!" Vlad?? Really? Wonder if Yogi Berra will be suiting up as a pinch runner for the Stankees when they next visit Fenway.
The solution? The Sox need a fucking superhero on their side.... a crimestopper in a cape or a silly mask might be the only way to stem this crime wave. On second thought.... has anyone ever seen Darnell MacDonald and Batman in the same place?