Friday, April 2, 2010

Happy Good Friday.... But Answer Me This-

BLASPHEMY ALERT! To my overly religious friends - I would advise you to read this with your mouse hovered over the Back button in your browser, primed for immediate clicking in case something here pisses you off or if you think lightning will strike you for reading any further.

As I sat here on my couch this first Friday of April, I decided to do the math. On Thursday night, this dude has a raucous dinner party with some good buddies and at least one hooker. Boxes of wine and loaves of bread were going like hotcakes. After the group photo ("Everyone who wants in the picture, get on this side of the table."), he volunteers to wash everyone's feet. In the days of sandals and desert strolls, I'm guessing he needed a LOT of water and a surgeon's mask.

As the party is winding down and it is nearing bedtime, our hero sneaks off to the garden for some quiet time. Soon, his best friend shows up with the cops and he gets trucked off to jail thanks to some old law that makes claiming to be the Messiah a Class B felony. To top it off, he finds out that his buddy turned him in for 30 pieces of silver (about $20 bucks). Over the next several hours, he is dragged him back and forth between two judges (King Herrod and Pontius Pilate) who cannot make up their mind about what to do with him. Finally, Pilate declares him innocent. But did he get released? Heck no... Spineless Pilate leaves the final decision up to the crowd outside, who want his balls on a plate for having the nerve to call himself the Son of God. And in a move often found in Massachusetts courtrooms these days, Pilate caves to the popular vote and, in order to save his job, he turns him over to be crucified.

Without so much as a moment of sleep, he is forced to carry a big freakin' cross around the streets of town (the very first Easter parade?) on his way to the site of the big crucifixion. Stripped down to nothing but a towel, his hands and feet are fastened to the 2x4s with railroad spikes and a crown of thorns is placed on his head. This guy spends the next 6 hours dying a slow, painful death. At his last gasp, all goes dark and an earthquake rattles the region.

So, with the math all done... and to any of my religious friends who made it to the end of this post without a bolt of lightning striking you down, can you please answer something for me?


  1. really have way too much time on your hands!!!!



  2. Oh come on Seargent... are you gonna start quoting Styx on me now? Hey, this kind of genius just pours through my fingertips.. I wrote that during Let It Rip this morning. But I must say, finding the image of the bobblehead Jesus did take some doing.