Thursday, April 8, 2010

Opening Series to the Skanks: What I Saw

Series one with the Skanks is in the books and the Beantown Boys are down 2 games to 1. Let's be honest people... the Sox can finish the season 16-146, but if those 16 wins are over the hated Yanks, then I'll call it a wikkid pissah year. To me, there are two seasons... the 18 games against Steinbrenner's flunkees and then other 144 games against teams that suck ass. But if the first three games are any indication, it's going to be a fun summer.

Some observations over the past three games:

There may be some new faces on both sides this year, but shit these games still last longer than a fukkin Ken Burns documentary. Both teams are experts at taking their sweet time getting through nine innings. Fucking Pettite is so busy talking to himself sometimes that I swear he is reciting the lyrics to In A Gadda Da Vida between pitches. Hell, in the second game it appeared the Sox and Yanks were working together! How many batters tried to call timeout only to be ignored by the home plate ump? That guy was not giving anyone a timeout. But at least twice, Pussada let a Sox batter suffering from premature evacuation of the batters box off the hook by calling timeout himself. I thought that was pretty cordial of him. But it did look like John Lackey never got the memo- that dude brings it to the plate way quick.

Do we think Nicky Swishy spends the off-season tearing up the track in the Special Olympics or what? Look closely at that guy. The only things missing are the fanny pack and velcro sneakers. I can easily see him doing Elvis impersonations and bowling with bumpers.

Daniel Bard should NEVER throw a changeup again. With his fastball topping out at 100 clicks, his offspeed drops down to 91 mph. That is one beachball sized meatball to major league hitters. Come on young man - run what ya brung... high heat at 100 mph will NOT be hit.

Three games are plenty for me. Get Mikey Lowell in the lineup and sit down Big Popup. I do not give a donkey's dick about the RBI last night - he made the third out in THREE FUCKING INNINGS! Twice with wild flailing swings at curve balls in the dirt. His body language looks like he is tossing a freakin' keg. And he can spew all the tirades he wants at the media - he's been in Boston long enough to know better. Either get back on the juice or go back home and open up a cigar rolling plant.

How many of you heard that loudmouth hag rooting on the Skanks in game 2? What the fuck? 34,000 people and we can make out ONE VOICE?? Was she tossing the camera guys salad or what? We didn't get to see her, but here's my image: When not at Fenway or Yankee Stadium making ears bleed, she is sticking her nasty mug out her Bronx window, 40 oz in hand, yelling at her son Vincenzo to bring home some Freeze Pops.

Closers - Papelsmear cannot go two innings yet. That freakin' bomb he gave up to Granderson has yet to land. And Maryann "I Helped Noah Build The Ark" Rivera just does not get old. Although I still think he represents our best chance to win late inning games.

We all know that stats are out of control. But ESPN is reaching deep when they report that the Yankees set the record last night with 17 straight wins in games that are tied after 7 innings. HUH? I wonder who holds the record for wins in Tuesday games in east coast cities with more than 15,000 in attendance. Give me a fucking break, please!!!

And one last thing. I'm gonna say it - I have to say it - I FUCKING HATE THE "YANKEES SUCK" CHANT!! Nobody hates the pinstripes with more passion than this opinionated, obnoxious wannabe writer. But can we please do away with this embarassing tradition? I have harbored this distaste ever since the 2001 Super Bowl parade in Boston when Larry Izzo (now a member of the NYJ) felt the need to lead the crowd in the silly chant. I hear it when the Sox are playing the Rays in Tampa and I would not be surprised if it was spouted at a baptism in South Boston. Yeah, the dickhead Yankee fans tortured us for years with 1918 and that got old. So has this. Now, if we changed it to AROD SUCKS, that would be new and fresh!

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