Monday, April 19, 2010

Ya Gotta Run It To Win It!!

The pasta dinner is over, the finish line is painted and the state offices are closed... must be Marathon Monday up here in New England. Cindy "Hawt Weatherchick" Fitzgibbon just told me that today's weather is perfect for running and every fukkin Boston news station has somebody in Hopkinton walking around the green, amid the port-a-potties and backyard tents, finding someone to interview. First, isn't saying that any kind of weather is perfect for marathons the equivalent of saying hot skewers are the best kind to stick in your eyes?

Here are a few definites to watch for today....

First, apologies to the feminists out there, but a dude is going to win. There is no way EVER that the best female runner in the world could beat the best male runner in the world (or even come within 10 minutes of him). Now don't go getting your panties in a bunch with calls of chauvenism and sexism... It ain't sexist, it's fact. There is a reason the ladies, the wheelchair cruisers and the senior citizens (Masters) have their own divisions and their own laurel wreaths. PS..I can handle any angry emails and comments, so bring it on.

Another definite: A Kenyan is going to win. Sure, the lead pack will be a regular fukkin United Nations parade with a few Japanese, one or two Mexicans and some Ethiopians. Probably a Brit, an Italian and maybe even an American. But by mile 26, they will all be chasing a Kenyan. And that guy will cross the line looking like he could run another fukkin 26 miles. And it is just a matter of time before the BAA creates an American division because there is no way we will ever see an American cross first again. (unless of course a huge cloud of volcanic ash washes over Europe, Asia and Africa a week before the race grounding all the real runners).

Early in the race, as thousands of runners WALK across the starting line, amid the throngs of "marathoners," we will be shown at least one guy in a Spiderman costume, a bride and groom and several people running past the camera giving either the peace sign, a thumbs up or the I Love You sign. And hopefully we will not be treated to any total release of the bowels near the finish line this year (also known as the Uta Pippig Money Shot).

But the thing that causes my shorties to stand on end the most will come later at night. At some point during the 11pm news tonight, we will get the camera shot of the finish line as a few dumb asses walk across the finish line in the dark, arms raised in victory celebrating their incredible feat. For some insane reason, people think of this as some major accomplishment. What? Walking/jogging all day long and finishing a race 9 hours after the winner? Oh that's right... as long as you finish! Give me a fucking break! I'm sorry, but if the winner has already had TWO meals and is on a plane home, you did not finish the race. If you walked it more than you jogged it, you did not finish the race. You do not deserve any special congratulations from your family or any face time on the local news. Um... ANYONE CAN DO WHAT YOU JUST DID!

Just calling it how I see it.

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