Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Russian Spies? Really?

Just sitting here on the couch on a Tuesday morning in June.  Outside, the humidity is such that I just saw a sea turtle swimming past my window.  Top news story of today - a Russian spy ring has been broken up by the FBI in Cambridge... I know, you are shocked.  Nothing odd happens in Cambridge.

So exactly what is a Russian spy doing these days?  The Cold War has gone the way of Rubik's Cube and the pet rock.  Supposedly, their assignment was to gather information about the American nuclear weapon program.  Here is our program...  we have plenty of nuclear weapons but no balls to use them ever.  Oh, and the fahkin' double secret vodka swilling agents were also charged with learning about the United States stance on Iran.  Do you have to be a spy to figure that out?  They could have stayed in their little Red Square condo and Googled "United States Policy Iran"...  it's out there.  In a nutshell... Iran is not our friend.  We want them to stop making nuclear weapons.  And we will achieve that goal by having tea with Iranian President Imagetajob and putting sugar on top of our pretty pretty please.

So, Boris and Natasha.... you should have just called me... I could have saved you some time so that you can go back to chasing moose and squirrel.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

As If I Needed Another Reason

They say the rest of the world cannot be wrong.  Well, I'm calling bullshit on that.  I don't care how many millions of people love the game of futbal (um, that's soccer to us regular sports watching Americans) - all I can see is that it is cross country running with boundaries and a purpose.  Near as I can figure, the object of the game is to kick as many opponents in the nuts as you possibly can.  The fascination continues to escape me.  You got your two clocks and it's anybody's fukkin guess what the real time is.  You got your red cards, your yellow cards and your Hamburger Helper gloves on the goalies.  Half of your players only have first names.  You got big plastic horns and your constant singing.  You got your John Madden of televised soccer and his one syllable GOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL crap.  You have trampled crowds and collapsing stands.  And you got your hooligans who make Los Angeles Laker fans celebrating a championship look like kindergarten recess!

But yesterday, we also learned sure as hell that you got corrupt officials.  What kind of sport allows an official to waive off a goal, just because.  No reason given... just nope, I didn't like that goal, so you can't have it.  Maybe this asshat just despises the Americans because most of us like real sports.  But then when asked to explain it, he was given a pass.  He doesn't have to answer to anyone????  He just decided that he didn't want the Americans to win, so he can nullify a go-ahead goal and then NOT BE FORCED TO EXPLAIN HIS REASON??!!  What the fuck is that?  Any of you ball kickers out there care to explain to me how that can happen?  Anyone?  Pele?  Rolando?  Madonna?  Brittney?  Don fukkin King and the Vince fukkin McMahon have nothing on FIFA!!  Can you imagine if what would have happened if that call was made against Brazil or Columbia?  That official would not have made it to the sidelines before having a Vuvuzela horn shoved up his ass and a stomping of hooligan proportions.

So, yeah, the rest of the world watches soccer and appreciates it for it's fukkin beauty or something.  I say the rest of the world is WRONG!!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

TWO WORDS

Obie came out on Tuesday and spoke to the nation on the oil leak in the Gulf.  57 days after the explosion.  From the Oval Office.  With nice green trees in the window.  Pointed his finger at the camera and at the desk as if to say that this time, "he really really means it."  YAWN.  He told us that BP will be forced to set aside many billions of dollars in a relief fund to be used toward claims from people who have lost their livelihood.  He proudly proclaimed that BP will not be allowed to control the fund.  But he did not include that nor will the government have any control over disbursements, but rather an independent third party arbiter (who will have no more of a mandate to listen to the government than would BP).   Prez also proclaimed that he has imposed a 6 month moratorium on deep well drilling.  He did not clarify that the moratorium is only on new permits and that existing deep well drills will continue to operate.  He used his 15 minutes to also shit on our country for our reliance on fossil fuels.  WTF???   This was supposed to be about the disaster and how the country will move forward and assist those directly impacted by this crisis, not a chance to advance his liberal agenda.  MORON!!

And yesterday, the prick in charge of BP met with Obie.  He then proceeded to come out of the meeting to speak to the press.  Twice this asshole told us how BP cares about the "small people."

Mr. BP Chairman... I have two words for you.....

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

NBA Finals... Get it done Celts!!!

Glug glug glug... mmmmm.... can you taste it?  The Budweiser can is cold to the touch and patriotic to the eyes.  As I sit here at my table this evening, still suffering through a ShitShow hangover thanks to last night's New Jersey Nets impersonation by the boys in green, the beer is going down quicker than an early spring waterfall.  With game 7 looming on the horizon, and Perk's knee taking a holiday, I am having a hard time looking forward.  Well, except for the fact that tomorrow we ride...  Laconia bound on the bikes for some mini-mayhem, Granite State style.

So, I offer up these wishes for Game 7:

-  Will the Nip n' Tuck docs please get down to the Staples Center and help remove Mark Jackson's nose from Kobe Bryant's balls?  How the fuck can it be responsible journalism when you go on and on about the "clinic" Bryant is putting on while his team's deficit grows?  The kissing up to Kobe has reached nauseating proportions...  the rule seems to be that if you get anywhere near Kobe, one of two things can happen.  Either you get a foul called against you.  Or you get the aggravated rape special. 

- I don't want to hear another freakin' word about how Phil Jackson teams are undefeated in series in which they win game 1, dating back to when Jesus was in a diaper...  the baby Jesus, not the hanging on a cross Jesus.  That is not a streak... it is a COINCIDENCE!!

-  No more talk about LENGTH!!!    That seems to be the buzz word of this year's finals....   At what point did we start referring to tall guys as having length?  What the fahk is that about?  "Oh, the Celtics will struggle against the length of the Lakers."  You and I both know what you think of when someone talks about the length of a dude.  Are they setting screens on their peckers?  Is it a slight against the Irish?  I find that offensive!

- Will that Doris whatever her fukkin name is please do a 1:1 halftime interview with Kobe and his rape victim?   You know.. the kind where everyone cries and shit.  I am still dying to know how much that slimy prick paid out to shut the girl up.  Talk about sweeping a violent crime under the rug... every national sports pundit should be ashamed when they glow about Kobe the Ripper (thanks Steve for the nickname).  He's a fukkin "alleged" rapist.  (had to include that - don't want the NBA fining me for complaining about Kobe)

- Since Perk is out for Game 7, it is now up to Sheed to make me smile.  I want that sumbitch to pick up one technical foul early.  Since this is the last game, there will be no one game suspension.  And as long as it is only one technical, he can keep playing.  And since I am making wishes, I wish for the tech to somehow involve him swinging Pau Gasol around by his greasy locks.

- Oh and one more wish... please win the trophy.  Pass the big basketball around on that ugly fukkin yellow floor and then shove that mutha straight up Jack Nicholson's chute!  That old prick needs a good ol' fashioned Beantown Colonoscopy.

Signing off to finish my beer...   off to watch Shrek and Donkey to get back in a good mood.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Oil Is His Friend

Where are all the "Friend of Big Oil" jackasses who were so outspoken about Bush and Cheney a few years back?  Now that it has come out that Obie has been the top recipient of donations from BP over the past 20 years (YES, THAT SAME BP THAT IS GIVING THE GULF A LUBE JOB), seems the media and the Hollywood loudmouths have gone all mute on our asses.  Well, except for that obnoxious dishrag Rosie O'Donuts, who thinks the government should seize all assets of BP.    Believe me, I do relish the silence... but what the fuck?  Obie has gladly taken BP money and BP has gladly handed it over to him.  This implied "enemy of big oil" had no problem accepting 77,000 beans from BP, including $71,000 in 2008.  So are we surprised about the slow response?   Not me.  We all know that if this accident happened while Dubya was in charge, the screeches of big oil favoritism would reach ear splitting crescendos.  So let's hear it assholes!!!

Oh, and the senator of Louisiana, whose coastline is about to be greasier than Fonzie's hair - Mary Landreau said that this "incident" should not be used to slow down Obama's push to expand offshore drilling.  She has repeatedly downplayed the seriousness of this disaster.  Oh... and she has accepted over $28,000 fuckin' dollars from BP executives for her campaigns.

I freakin' love when B. Hussein Obama tries to sound tough and claims he is looking for someone's "ass to kick."  Well, what's taking him so long?  Do we think our President sucks at hide and seek as much as he sucks at bowling?  How fucking hard is it to find the CEO of BP?  Isn't that the ass to kick?  I will gladly buy that Pay Per View.  Oh, and do we need to hear that cute little story about his daughter asking him when he is going to plug that hole?  Yeah, little girl, your daddy is gonna throw on a wet suit and dive down there himself. 

Be honest with yourselves now...  admit that Obie is a friend of big oil.  Admit that he has been slow to respond.  And admit that you are hypocrits.  If you all do this together, it will be easier.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Newz Bitz Pissin' Me Off

It's Hooters!  They Can Fire Your Fat Ass!
I am freakin' tired of hearing these women complain about Hooters and how if they gain a little weight, their job is at risk.  Hellooooooo.... it's fukkin Hooters!  You know it's not named after an owl, right?  You know the wings are NOT REALLY THE REASON we go there, right?  We go there to stare at young women who have stuffed their oversized "hooters" into tiny tank tops and to watch their tiny orange shorts walk away with our order.  We want you to kneel down at our table so we can look down your shirt and we want you to sit at our table as if you really give a shit about who our favorite race car driver is.  Until they change their name to Muffin Tops, you got no beef!  So shat up and work somewhere else.

But There's Blood.  And It's Icky
Hollywood lost Dennis Hopper and Gary Coleman this week.  Apparently, Coleman fell in the kitchen of his home and died two days later following a brain hemorrhage.  But have you heard the 911 call from his wife yet?  There ain't a rock big enough for that self absorbed bitch to crawl under.  While the little dude lay dying on the kitchen floor, his wife said (and I fahkin' quote) "He just got home, I heard this big bang, I went downstairs. Blood everywhere. I don't know if he's okay. I'm not down there right now because I have a fever, if I get stressed out I'm going to faint."  She then went on to say, "I got blood on myself.  I can't deal."
When the operator asked her to go down to help him, she said, "I've been kind of sick.  I don't want to be traumatized right now."  Poor Arnold...  but then again, his wife is 24 years old... just a freakin' dumb kid who is even too young to remember "Whatchyou talkin' bout Willis?"

Edison and Franklin have nothing on Fat Albert. 
The man who brought us the internet and who invented the on-stage open mouth tonguing is at it again.  Al Gore announced this week that he has invented divorce.  It seems, according to Nobel "What the Fuck is This For" Prize Winner Gore, that husbands and wives can in fact split up without having to honor that whole "till death do we part" scam.  "I was going to feed Tipper some enivornmentally safe rat poison, but then I discovered a way to separate legally.  This is a much better, more humane method than offing our spouses."    As far as what happened to the formerly happy marriage, both Al and Tipper report that there are no affairs, despite reports that Al has spent many nights away from the home, bedding down with a bucket of KFC and a gallon of cookie dough ice cream.  The Democrat National Committee has issued a statement blaming the inadequacies of the Florida voters and George Bush for the end of the Gore's marriage.  "George Bush took too long to get to New Orleans following Hurrican Katrina.  That was something that ate away at Al and Tipper and they just could not cope with that." 

Clinton and Scandal?  Same Sentence?  SHOCKING
Apparently, Billy "I gotta be in the middle of something" Clinton stuck his big round nose in the middle of the Pennsylvania election and everyone from the Billy to the White House to Joe Sestak are acknowledging the impropriety, but stopping short of calling it illegal.  FUCK THAT!   Here's what all sides are saying right now:  Clinton, at the request of Rahm Emanuel, offered Sestak an "unpaid" position as an adviser in Obie's administration if dropped out of the race against Arlen Specter.  When all sides got together, they decided that the story would be about this "unpaid" position, thinking that since no money is involved, it would not be considered a bribe.  First off, they are trying to tell us that a person ahead in the polls would rather take an unpaid position over a paid position as US Senator?  You and I both know that is bullshit.  But let's take them at their word anyway....   THIS IS STILL A BRIBE!!!  And, according to the law, it is a fuckin' felony!!  
Crimes and Criminal Procedure - 18 USC Section 600

Sec. 600. Promise of employment or other benefit for political activity
Whoever, directly or indirectly, promises any employment, position, compensation, contract, appointment, or other benefit, provided for or made possible in whole or in part by any Act of Congress, or any special consideration in obtaining any such benefit, to any person as consideration, favor, or reward for any political activity or for the support of or opposition to any candidate or any political party in connection with any general or special election to any political office, or in connection with any primary election or political convention or caucus held to select candidates for any political office, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than one year, or both.

They admit it.  So punish every fahkin' one of them!