Thursday, June 3, 2010

Newz Bitz Pissin' Me Off

It's Hooters!  They Can Fire Your Fat Ass!
I am freakin' tired of hearing these women complain about Hooters and how if they gain a little weight, their job is at risk.  Hellooooooo.... it's fukkin Hooters!  You know it's not named after an owl, right?  You know the wings are NOT REALLY THE REASON we go there, right?  We go there to stare at young women who have stuffed their oversized "hooters" into tiny tank tops and to watch their tiny orange shorts walk away with our order.  We want you to kneel down at our table so we can look down your shirt and we want you to sit at our table as if you really give a shit about who our favorite race car driver is.  Until they change their name to Muffin Tops, you got no beef!  So shat up and work somewhere else.

But There's Blood.  And It's Icky
Hollywood lost Dennis Hopper and Gary Coleman this week.  Apparently, Coleman fell in the kitchen of his home and died two days later following a brain hemorrhage.  But have you heard the 911 call from his wife yet?  There ain't a rock big enough for that self absorbed bitch to crawl under.  While the little dude lay dying on the kitchen floor, his wife said (and I fahkin' quote) "He just got home, I heard this big bang, I went downstairs. Blood everywhere. I don't know if he's okay. I'm not down there right now because I have a fever, if I get stressed out I'm going to faint."  She then went on to say, "I got blood on myself.  I can't deal."
When the operator asked her to go down to help him, she said, "I've been kind of sick.  I don't want to be traumatized right now."  Poor Arnold...  but then again, his wife is 24 years old... just a freakin' dumb kid who is even too young to remember "Whatchyou talkin' bout Willis?"

Edison and Franklin have nothing on Fat Albert. 
The man who brought us the internet and who invented the on-stage open mouth tonguing is at it again.  Al Gore announced this week that he has invented divorce.  It seems, according to Nobel "What the Fuck is This For" Prize Winner Gore, that husbands and wives can in fact split up without having to honor that whole "till death do we part" scam.  "I was going to feed Tipper some enivornmentally safe rat poison, but then I discovered a way to separate legally.  This is a much better, more humane method than offing our spouses."    As far as what happened to the formerly happy marriage, both Al and Tipper report that there are no affairs, despite reports that Al has spent many nights away from the home, bedding down with a bucket of KFC and a gallon of cookie dough ice cream.  The Democrat National Committee has issued a statement blaming the inadequacies of the Florida voters and George Bush for the end of the Gore's marriage.  "George Bush took too long to get to New Orleans following Hurrican Katrina.  That was something that ate away at Al and Tipper and they just could not cope with that." 

Clinton and Scandal?  Same Sentence?  SHOCKING
Apparently, Billy "I gotta be in the middle of something" Clinton stuck his big round nose in the middle of the Pennsylvania election and everyone from the Billy to the White House to Joe Sestak are acknowledging the impropriety, but stopping short of calling it illegal.  FUCK THAT!   Here's what all sides are saying right now:  Clinton, at the request of Rahm Emanuel, offered Sestak an "unpaid" position as an adviser in Obie's administration if dropped out of the race against Arlen Specter.  When all sides got together, they decided that the story would be about this "unpaid" position, thinking that since no money is involved, it would not be considered a bribe.  First off, they are trying to tell us that a person ahead in the polls would rather take an unpaid position over a paid position as US Senator?  You and I both know that is bullshit.  But let's take them at their word anyway....   THIS IS STILL A BRIBE!!!  And, according to the law, it is a fuckin' felony!!  
Crimes and Criminal Procedure - 18 USC Section 600

Sec. 600. Promise of employment or other benefit for political activity
Whoever, directly or indirectly, promises any employment, position, compensation, contract, appointment, or other benefit, provided for or made possible in whole or in part by any Act of Congress, or any special consideration in obtaining any such benefit, to any person as consideration, favor, or reward for any political activity or for the support of or opposition to any candidate or any political party in connection with any general or special election to any political office, or in connection with any primary election or political convention or caucus held to select candidates for any political office, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than one year, or both.

They admit it.  So punish every fahkin' one of them!

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