Friday, July 30, 2010

Welker Is One Tough Sumbitch

Can you smell it?  mmmmm.... Smells like football.  I get all fahkin tingly this time every year.  Pats training camp opened yesterday.  The high school two-a-days start in two weeks and my boy will be playing his finaly year of the foosball.  Things are looking up for the team everybody loves to hate.  I don't care - hate my Pats.  Call them cheaters.  Call them washed up.  Say whatever the hell your jealous ass can come up with.  I can't hear you.

Welker scores on the J-E-T-S (suck)
It's a long way away from Houston last January when Wes Welker went spaghetti legs on the 3rd rate turf and dropped Patriot nation into a state of woe is me.  This little fukker took hits all year long that would have driven most mortal players onto the IR list.  But some bad grass ended our playoff hopes and a couple of days later, we were told he would miss most of the 2011 season.  Holy fuck!!  Well, I thought back then, the Pats had better get their asses together and find a slot receiver in draft or trade or our season is FUCKED.  And apologies to Julian "NOT WES" Edelman, but you ain't it.  For some reason, probably cuz he's small and white, everyone had him penciled in as a replacement for Welker.  Dudes - Julian was a freakin' QUARTERBACK in college.  Not a receiver.  A very nice player, but he wasn't gonna cut it.  So the Pats went out and picked up Tory Holt.  HUH?  He ain't a slot receiver.  And he may end up being the Joey Goaway of 2011.   (psst - that's Galloway for you slow ones).

Well, it seems lil Wes is even tougher than I had thought.  That sonofabitch was MEDICALLY CLEARED TO PLAY for the start of training camp yesterday.  He wasn't gonna be ready until November at the earliest and now he is strapping on the helmet and getting back to work.  There are those asshats out there who hate the Pats and the HGH whispers have already started.  Perhaps, but who gives a shit?  There are a lot of things out there designed to help people heal quicker that are not banned in the NFL (surgery, physical therapy, Playboy mansion parties).  But I subscribe to the more realistic belief that Welker is a superhero.  Give him a cape and a utility belt and he's fukkin Batman.  Either way, my favorite player since Troy Brown is back and looks ready to play game 1.  There I go again, gettin' all tingly over football.  I think I have issues.

The offseason tends to sap memories, so let me point out some things that are not talked about that will give us some optimism this year.  Last year, our receiver core consisted of Joey Goaway and David Dropsy McDropsy Pants Aiken.  This year we have Holt, Brandon Tate and David Patten making his return.  We have Tommy Brady-Bunchen strapped up on the first day of training camp without a contract.  No holdout for #12.  This guy will have a deal before Labor Day.  Fred Taylor is healthy and still have Kevin Faulk, Sammy Morris and the other guy who likes to fumble at the one yard line whose name escapes me who should be playing semi-pro ball fahchristsake.

When is kickoff?

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Owens Storms Into Cincy... Takes Over For Venus Flytrap

Ocho Uno plus Ocho Cinco equals a whole lotta TV time and not much more.  The ESPN blowhards are talking about more than just AFraud's stall at 599 this week.  Apparently the addition of Terrell Owens across the formation from Chad Johnson (yeah, his last name is still Johnson, I don't care what he claims) has made the Cincinnati Bengals the most popular ticket in town since the Who.  They base that on what?  That Uno did so well in the cold weather up there in Buffalo?  That he led the Cowboys to exactly ZERO playoff wins?   Or that the reality show circuit needs an exciting ending?  Hey Ohio...  here is the straight dope on your new supahstah...  Sir Dropsalot can't catch for shit.  He has hands of stone and a mouth that runs faster than Chris Johnson.  He is gonna bitch out loud when Cinco gets more balls than him.  He will blame that all on Carson Palmer and that Palmer likes Cinco better.  He's gonna have post game press conferences even if he is not invited.  Uno will blame his defense, his tight end, his coach and Donovan McNabb for everything that goes wrong.  Even WITH Cinco, the Bengals were ranked #27 in the NFL last year in passing.  Better get more than a washed up dickhead with a penchant for Looky Me touchdown dances.  Shit, Icky fuckin Woods could come out of retirement and they would have a better chance. 

Good luck Cincy fans...  I'll be tuned in and I am guessing that is really all the NFL wants anyway.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

To Shit or Not To Shit... Brett Favre finally decides

ESPN is reporting this morning that Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre is planning to announce today whether or nor he will start taking his shits either before or after his morning coffee, ending weeks of speculation and a firestorm of questions that followed an appearance on Pardon The Interruption in June.  Camera crews and reporters are setting up all over Favre's neighborhood in East Bumfuck, Mississippi, itching to get the news straight from the horse's ass's mouth himself.  In interviews earlier this week, Favre has hinted that he may be changing his morning routine during the summer months but he has refused to provide any definitive information.  In the Five Good Minutes segment on PTI (which was actually changed to Ten Good Minutes for Favre) back on June 12th, Favre admitted to Mike Wilbon that he is getting older and is waking up earlier and earlier.  He hinted that now he sometimes feels like moving his bowels as soon as he gets up in the morning whereas for years he would drop a deuce in the bowl after his morning coffee and toast.  Favre insists that he is still feeling like a kid and enjoys his morning constitutional like everyone else.  But TMZ has aired footage of Favre running into the port-a-john at the high school field where he is working out, with his knees tight together and his right hand on his ass like he is holding back the tide.  Favre has scheduled a 12:00 press conference on his front lawn, behind an extra large podium built specifically for Brett and his oversized ego.

It is well documented that he spends his off season throwing fastballs to high school receivers on a dirt field here in Mississippi.  One of his young buddies will be happy when this is all over and they can get back to catching balls and smoking dope behind the bleachers.  "Dude, ever since Brett talked about taking a crap on PTI, that's all people wanna talk about.  I'm all done with that, yo.  I just wanna get off the field with my fingers intact and get back to the farm and get a handy from my beeyatch."

Friday, July 9, 2010

James and Bosh Not The Only Ones New In Miami

Immediately following the LeBron James television special where he donned his crown and announced to the free world that he would be signing with the Miami Heat, the ripple effect has taken hold of Pat Riley's spreadsheets and payroll account.  "It is obvious that we are now in a position to restructure our 12 man roster to make room for LeBron," Riley said in a phone interview from his newly rented studio apartment in Little Havana.  "With DWade, LeBron and that other new guy with the funny hair, we no longer have any money to pay the rest of the guys."  Riley claims to have already started reaching out to younger, cheaper players to fill out the roster.  "I am happy to report that things have progressed nicely with Tyler Hoot, a 5'9" center out of Monroe Middle School and we expect a deal to be reached soon."  Hoot is well known in Pat Riley's neighborhood as one of the top players to come out of 8th grade this year.  According to Hoot's agent and mother, Adrienne Hoot, terms of the contract will remain undisclosed.  However, sources close to Tyler are indicating that it will be a one year deal that will exceed his current allowance of $5 per week.  Hoot is expected to step into the void left by the exiting Jermaine O'Neal.  What he lacks in height, strength, length and experience, he makes up in the ability to text while dribbling.  Hoot is expected to miss the first week of training camp to get his braces off.

Hoot is not the only target on Riley's list.  At midnight last night, the Heat reached a trade agreement with the Oklahoma City Thunder that will create additional room under the salary cap.  If approved by David Stern, the Heat will send Michael Beasley and his big fat contract to the Thunder in exchange for a bag of basketballs and a Kevin Durant autograph.  A person close to the Thunder locker room have said that the Thunder may also throw in Annie Minchen to sweeten the deal.  Minchen (left) is the rather pretty centerpiece of the Thunder Girls who reportedly has a pisser 3 point stroke.

Although Riley still has work to do, adding Hoot and Annie to the new Big Three is a good first step.  And with his people still scouring the middle schools and street courts, things are looking up.

On a related note, the Heat have announced that ticket prices will be going up this year.  Prices will range from $900 for back row, near the ceiling seats to $2 million for courtside tickets.  Fans are expected to bring their own flashlights to help light up the floor as the franchise has shut off their electricity to pay James.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Who Are These Guys???

Yankees are doing battle with AFraud, Cheter, Tehshera and Canoe.  The Rays have Eva Longoria's brother, Carlos PenisPlease, Crawfish and Garza's chin.  The Red Sox??   Felix Doubront?  Kevin Cash?  Eric Patterson?  Niuman Fahkin' Romero (Hello Niuman)???  Not exactly Williams, Doer and Foxx - but these are the names from the box score last night.  By the time the regs get back from the sick ward, the Sox could be battling the Lowrioles for last place fahkristsake.  And Youk came down with an ouchy last night while kicking fukkin dirt in the batter's box!!!  Come on Youk....   really?  Dusty is practicing infield on his knees in a walking cast and you turn your footsy the wrong way and leave the game???    JEEZUS!! 

Seriously... the of the 3 Sox pitchers last night, only Hideki Okiedokie was on the opening day roster (and he gave up the 8th inning insurance run)...  Doubront, Scott Atchinson and Robert Manuel toed the rubbah  for the good guys in Tampa.  We also had Daniel Nava, Patterson and Billy Hall in the starting lineup... UGH

But here is an interesting development:  VMart out with a broken finger.  VTek out with a broken foot.  So we bring in two catchers named Cash and Molina (and no, not even any of the good Molinas).  But the Rays who steal more than Oliver Twist when playing the Sox only have two stolen bases thus far in the series.  AND Cash actually picked off a baserunner last night.  HMMMMMMMMM

The PawSox look to get back on the winning side of things tonight in Tampa.  But Wake is pitching... meaning Crawford will have 15 steals.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

July 4th, 1776

I know this is long and can be tiresome to read... but it is the foundation of our nation and the reason we are watching fireworks and cooking on the grill today under the blanket of our freedom provided to us by the brave women and men in our armed services, present and past.  Take a moment and read it.  Bear with it and be sure to catch the editor's two cents at the end.  (heehee... I couldn't resist)

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.

He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.

He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies without the consent of our legislature.

He has affected to render the military independent of and superior to civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states:

For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing taxes on us without our consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury:

For transporting us beyond seas to be tried for pretended offenses:

For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule in these colonies:

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments:

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow citizens taken captive on the high seas to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms: our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have we been wanting in attention to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

We, therefore, the representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of these colonies, solemnly publish and declare, that these united colonies are, and of right ought to be free and independent states; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.

(Editor's Note/Cynicism/Two Cents:  President Obama would like to extend an apology 234 years too late on behalf of the United States to England and its King for saying mean and nasty things about him and for declaring our Independence in such an arrogant way)