Thursday, August 19, 2010

Hey Yoo - The Advice Column With Balls

    Hey Yoo -  I recently have been a victim of persecution for something I said at work.  I was talking with a black woman on the phone and the discussion of racism and the word that tops the bristle scale came up.  I told her that if she were to turn on HBO and listen to a black comic, all she would hear would be "nigger, nigger, nigger."  Now all of a sudden, everybody is all pissed off at me because I said the two syllables instead of the more appropriate "N-word"...  In the firestorm that followed, I ended up announcing that I will be quitting my job at the end of the year when my contract is up.  My First Amendment rights have been violated and I am writing to you to ask how I should best go about making a stand to get those rights back.  Sincerely, RadioLaura from NY.
    Dear RadioLaura - You pompous ignorant bitch!  Your first amendment rights have not been breached!  Have you been arrested for what you said?  The first amendment guarantees the right to free speech.  But it does not protect celebrity morons like yourself from suffering consequences for the drivel that comes from out between your lips.  Just because people think you are a douchebag for the things you say, it does not mean they are taking away your rights.  It just means you are a douchebag.  Oh, and YOU quit your job -nobody took it away from you.  But I ask you this - why wait until your contract is up?   Shut the fuck up and go away today!

    Hey Yoo - I have been in a relationship for a couple of years now.  However, we have spent the past several months apart while trying to work out some differences.  My fiance has taken issue with my internet habits and found out about my online dating.  I have had a lot of time to think during my sabbatical from med school and my one hour of outside time a day and have decided that I really need to do what I can to get her back.  I am thinking about cutting my arteries and writing her name in blood on my wall.  Do you think that will show her how much I love her?  Sincerely, Craigslist Phil in MA.
    Dear Craigslist Phil -  Wow, it sounds like you are really in love.  And as batshit crazy as they come.  Do us all a fucking favor and wrap your head in plastic while you are at it.  You have wasted enough of my fucking taxpayer dollars feeding your sorry ass. 

    Hey Yoo - I am an aging professional athlete who just cannot seem to figure out what to do.  My ankle really hurts and I suck at my job.  I have a problem throwing the ball to the wrong players at the worst times, but have been tyring to improve in that area by throwing footballs to 4th graders in Mississippi all summer.  I think I need to retire because taking money for my miserable play would be like robbery.  But I hate the idea of people not talking about me anymore.  How can I have both - retirement AND still being the subject of ESPN shows?  Sincerely, Undecided in MS
    Dear Undecided - It's too late for you.  Nobody likes you.  You might as well buy a farm and grow dirt for the rest of your life.

No comments:

Post a Comment