Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Humpin' Around

It's OHfishal, Sawx fans... WTNY.  Not a bad showing in oh 10 for the hometown boys, considering the clubhouse was more like a MASH unit most of the season.  Shit, last night's lineup was bookended by Eric Who the Fahk is That Patterson and Felipe When Did He Get Here Lopez.  Throw in a little Nava, Hall, Reddick, Anderson and McDonald and you got yerself one helluva a shitshow.  But hey, still "mathematically alive" until September 28th is pretty impressive.  If not for Lester and Buchholz, the Sawx would be battlin' the O's for basement space.

Buchholz, btw, has a legit shot at the Cy Young.  The biggest competition (AND I MEAN BIGGEST) is going to be SeeSee Safatass.  Clay has him in the ERA dept (a teeny weeny 2.33), but the fat one has got 21 wins and will have over 200 strikeouts by the time the p...p....p....playoffs start.  Unfortunately the Pinstripe Porkchop is gonna take it.

Stickin' with sports, I have to share this video...  Ike Ditzenberger is a senior at Snohomish High School in Seattle.  He has been on the football team since his freshman year.  With 10 seconds left in a game where his team was losing 35-0, Ike sprinted left and back to the right and turned straight down field for a 51 yard meaningless touchdown as time expired.  Normally, this type of touchdown would be considered a "garbage time" score.  But in no way is this touchdown "meaningless."

Ike has Down Syndrome.  He has been in the football program for 3 years and has practiced this play every day with his teammates.  Is this a REAL touchdown?  Nah, not really.  Is this lying to a kid who really believes he earned that touchdown?  In a way.  Did they let him score?  Hell yes, they let him score.  BUT, who gives a rat's ass about any of that?  Not me!  Two coaches, two teams, a few officials and hundreds of football fans went out of their way to give a young man a moment in time that he and his family will forever cherish!  It doen't matter that they let him score.  What matters is that Ike doesn't get to live the same kind of life as you and I.  What matters is that Ike, even if for just 51 yards, lived a better kind of life than you and I.  And watch the video closely... not the fans, not the opposing players, not the cheerleaders.... watch his teammates as they celebrate in the endzone with Ike.  And it becomes very clear that this is not a single moment in time.  Those young men have spent the past few years practicing with Ike and becoming his friends.  You cannot fake that kind of love and kindness.  THAT is not a lie.  For me, it was not so much about the touchdown.  It is more about how a football team came together and accepted Ike as one of their own.  THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRICELESS!! 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Manic Monday... on Tuesday

Took me a day to gather my thoughts after Danny Whatzhizname became the greatest player to wear #39 since Boney Maroney.  The Pats stormed to 2-1 on Sunday with an offensive showing big enough to hide the defensive woes that will haunt us fans for months.  I'm working only off stats and highlights here because I spent game day on the softball fields in Wrentham, just down the street from the Razor.  But here is what I saw:

Brady was OHFG (on his fukkin game) in this one.  Sure, it was against Buffalo, but the passes were back on target after that shit show last week in Jersey.  But the big fist pump after a first down run?  Really?....  The unappreciated only caught two passes, but they were both touchdowns (#150 and 151 of his career).  Apparently Brandon Tate wanted a front row seat for TD number 151 because nothing else could explain why he nearly collided with Moss on the second score.  Dude, stay the fuck out of the way, the Mossman is at work.... The tight end is in the house, by the way.  Hernandez was Brady's favorite target, with 7 passes thrown his way.  And the reverse call gave me football wood!.....  With the pickup of Danny Goodhead, the Pats now lead the league in short white guys.  The only thing they need at Gillette now is a yellow brick road, for crying out loud..... 

The Rest of the NFL:
The Stillers are FFR (for fahkin real), people.  With that defense, I think Dr. Ruth could be quarterback for the black and gold and still lead the Pittsburgers to victory.  They proved that this week when Charlie Beeyatch traded in his dentures for a mouthguard and looked like an all pro.  Sure, it was the Tampon Buccaneers, but that D has done it now for three weeks.  Game on at Heinz!!!

And the Giants, well, they are officially in the crapper!  And that makes me happy too.  Big tough disciplinarian Tom Turn Your Head And Coughlin may have lost his touch this season.  6 personal fouls proves that they just don't get it down there at the Slinky.  To the fans of the G-men, the 18 wins and 1 Giant loss retort has expired.  Barking that at a Patriot fan is much like Pabst Blue Ribbon bragging on their beer cans that they were voted America's Best Beer in 1893! 

From the "Makes Me Sad Division":
The Jets won again.  Fukkin Jets.  But Brainless Edwards proved he still does not get it.  Lucky to be playing because his coach can't find his own balls underneath that gut, Edwards scored a big touchdown and proceeded to do the same Dougie dance that brought a flag last week.  Shouldn't the dumb prick just score and run back to the sidelines?  Remember, he was out drinking with Donte Stallworth the night Stallworth killed someone driving drunk.  And remember that Edwards BAC was HIGHER than Stallworth that night.

The Colts.... well, this was a tough one, because I still cannot stand the smarmy look on Josh McDaniels baby face and remember his over the top celebration when the Broncs beat the Pats last year.  But that fukkin Peyton Manning is just regoddamdiculous.

Hate seeing Wade Phillips and his goofy ass celebrating on the sidelines when his team wins.  Seriously, watch this guy on the sidelines and the dumb looks on his mug.  Kinda looks like Archie Bunker after Edith tells him to get his own beer.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Rex Ryan Wants His Players To Behave: Transcript

There are reports coming out of New Jersey and off ESPN's website that have New York Jets head coach, Jabba the Rex, issuing an ultimatum to his players to stop embarrassing the organization with their off the field behavior. Coming from the asshat who flipped off Miami fans last winter and dropped f-bombs all over Hard Knocks, this seems rather hypocritical, dontchathink?

But, although ESPN reported the story first, Shits & Giggles inside sources have obtained a transcript of Wide Rex’s locker room lecture to his players. Once again, Shits & Giggles proves to be the world-wide leader in behind the scenes bullshit.

“Alright you fuckin’ morons. Snuff out the ganja and dump the beers back in the ice tub. Zip your fukkin lips and pay attention. All this bullshit is really starting to piss me the fuck off. Your behavior is a fuckin’ embarrassment to me and the organization. Braylon, how many times have I fuckin’ told you that if you are shitfaced off your ass, you have got to use that fuckin’ melon on your shoulders. Before you think about driving home, make sure you roll down those fuckin tinted windows! You know the fuckin po-po will pull you over every fuckin’ time with those dark windows. Roll ‘em down before you drive drunk, man! And you, D’Brickashaw!!! It’s not the fact that you were in the car with Braylon where I have a problem. It’s that first name of yours. I mean, how many drops of acid did your mama take before she came up with that fuckin’ beauty? What? Was B’Cumberbun already used in your family? Braylon, you are not starting Sunday. I am suspending your stupid taunting ass for one whole play. That’s right – I am serious about this shit, you muther fuckers! Maybe you will think twice the next time you forget to roll down your windows. From now on, if any of you fuck up, I’m gonna be on your ass like frosting on a cupcake… like syrup on a pancake… like butter on a muffin… like cheese and pepperoni and sausage on a pizza…like…. Damn, I’m hungry.

Cromartie, you horny fuck, the front office called me and they want you to stop promising tickets to all of your kids. The new stadium is only so big and we cannot accommodate every fucking illegitimate child of yours. So keep your pecker in your Pacos big man.

And the next time a hot Mexican reporter with painted on jeans and an heart-shaped ass walks into our practice, you fuckers had better respect her for the hot piece of poontang that she is. Thanks to you douchebags, my little senorita cancelled her interview with me and I was left waxing Little Rex while watching Rachel Raye make a lasagna.

And lastly… the Hall of Fame called. Sanchez, they want you and me to come in and pose for our busts because we are fuckin’ shoe-ins for the yellow blazer, baby! Wooohooo…. Come on everyone…. Let’s run over to the Jack In The Box… double burgers on me, you sonzobitches!!!”

DISCLAIMER:  I made this shit up in an attempt to be funny.  There is no truth in this story.  Well, except for the part about Little Rex... that is a daily occurence.

Pudding CEO Denies Sexual Harassment

A nationally revered dessert mogul is standing up against charges of sexual harassment this week. Georgie Porgie, CEO of Pudding n' Pie, Inc. made the rounds on the national morning news programs today, refuting allegations that he kissed the girls and made them cry. "I only kissed one girl," Porgie told a national audience on Good Morning America, "and it was purely consensual." The identities of the victims have not been released, but sources close to the story indicate that one of the girls has been admitted into a psychiatric hospital for observation, suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. "Porgie is one ugly son of a bitch, so you can certainly understand their reactions," one civil lawyer was heard to say.

Porgie denies any wrongdoing and also denies that he ran away when all the boys came out to play. "First of all, she was all dressed up like Goldilocks, obviously asking for it. And then the two of us ended up sitting in a tree. To me, I'm thinking first comes love, then comes marriage... yada yada yada." When asked why all the girls ran away, Porgie was evasive in his answer. "I don't really know. Maybe they saw a spider coming after their curds and whey. Or maybe they are just a bunch of pilers on, kinda like ambulance chasers looking for a quick buck." Porgie has suspended all Pudding and Pie production pending the outcome of the case.

In other local news, three brothers found their 15 minutes of fame last night in a scary way. The Moe brothers, Eeny, Meeny and Miney were out frollicking in their backyard when a tiger came crouching out of the woods. Luckily, the three young men were quick on their feet and immediately caught the tiger by the toe. But when the trapped beast started to holler, the brothers let him go. Animal control is still on the lookout for the wild animal and warning people to stay in their homes until he is found.


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Braylon Edwards Not Taunting Anyone This Morning

Braylon EdwardsLOLOLOLOL....  Good fahkin luck Jets fans.  This is how the season is going to go for you.  When you have a coach who cannot control his own behavior or his lip smacking bullshit, it just breeds a lack of discipline and a locker room full of dumbasses!  Braylon Edwards showed himself to be a moron not once but twice Sunday with his taunting, running about behavior.  And with a history of stone hands that would make Terrell Owens envious and an assault charge in Cleveland to his credit, this guy is just a drunk driving arrest away from a complete bust.  WHAT'S THAT???   The bearded douche got pinched this morning at 5:15 am with a BAC of 0.16  (TWICE THE LEGAL LIMIT)?  It appears ol' Braylon should have dropped the last few drinks like they were perfectly thrown spirals.  And 5:15 am - that is some SERIOUS drunk driving there.  The only suprise here is that Rexy Ryan and Fireman Ed were not in the SUV with him, high fiving him on his big arrest.  Ya guys wanna be the rebels, the big talkers, the "we don't care what others think" kinda pricks?  That's gonna be a few games without Edwards....   LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Wonder if he did his whole "dougie dance" before they cuffed and stuffed his stupid ass.  Gang Green wants this type of team!  Well, they got it.  By the time Santonio Holmes returns from his 4 game suspension and Cromartie figures out his child support bills, Edwards will be serving his own time in the NFL Detention Class.  And I am happy once again.  Let's hear it again Rexy... you want to be that brass bunch of ass kickers and loud talkers, right?  LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Monday, September 20, 2010

MANIC MONDAY - Oh That Sucked!

Aahhhhh, the fahkin JETS!!  Gawdamitall!!  Why oh why did the Pats decide to go all Lions on us against the New York Fukkin Jets?  Yep, this was not nearly as good an NFL Funday as last week - watching Dirty Sanchez do a TB impersonation in the second half and render the Patsies a bunch of bums was no way to spend a Sunday.  Defensively, Darius McGrabbyhands needs a lesson in pass defense that does not include tackling the receiver before the ball gets there.  And Golden Boy Brades was the king of the overthrow and lord of the underthrow, all in the same fahkin game!!  Oh, how bout them running backs?  Old Man Taylor looked the best, but only because he ripped off a 40 yahdah that would be called back thanks to an illegal procedure penalty.  But why in the hell did he only run it 5 more times after that?  BenJarvis GreenEllisSmithBrownHannigan carried the ball 10 times for a staggering 19 yards.  Holy shitty running backs, Batman!   Mr. Bunchen summed it up perfectly in his post game comments:  "We couldn't get the running game going.  We couldn't get the passing game going.  We sucked."

Revis Island?  Seems He Had Help
Don't let my angry mood fool you into thinking there was nothing good to come from yesterday's tilt.  I was in full man-crush mode when the "Slouch" made that one handed grab in the endzone while Derrelle Penis was grabbing at his hammy like a bitch.  Seems the big mouth needed to have an excuse ready - funny we never saw him even so much as flinch when he kept Moss from making a catch.  Another dude in the making is Aaron Hernandez.  I like me some Big Gronk, but this Hernandez kid is some kinda tight end too.  Another week, another 45 yard catch and run.  How about we say fuck the running game and just put all tight ends in the backfield?  It might just work.... what a difference a year makes!

And for the J E T S!!!  Braylon Edwards typifies the cocky, I'm an asshole personality of the entire team.  His taunting penalty early should have been repeated after his two point conversion, but the officials let that one slide.  Crying Bitch Tomlinson... I had it up to my New England eyeballs with Phyllis Sims and Jim Nancy raving about how there is still life in those legs and excuse his celebrations as a "message to the NFL that I'm still here."  Let it go Tomlinson... you were bitch slapped a few years ago by Belichick and the boys and you are still angry.   I get it.  But it is just a two yard gain!  But early in the game, there was Eric Smith.  This prick hammered his forearm into Welker's helmet, an obvious intent to hit the head and probably an attempt to make his own day easier by taking Welker out of the game.  This cheap shot will draw a fine, no doubt.  Smith has a track record of trying to injure and has been fined in the past (CLICK HERE)...  so his bullshit attempt at trying to walk up to Welker while in the huddle a few plays later during a time out was met with the perfect response from Wes...  Welker didn't even acknowledge Smith's attempt to apologize.  Because he knows that asshole was trying to take his head off.  He's lucky Brady or someone did not tear his nuts off and feed them to Sexy Rexy for a halftime snack.

Other useless notes from around the NFL

I cannot believe I found myself rooting for a division foe, but that is exactly what I was doing yesterday when the Dolphins were taking on the Old Man in Purple.  Three interceptions and a fumble for a touchdown later, I remain happy with the goings on in Minnysota!  Seriously Favre...  go home.  No seriously... go home.  Buh fukkin bye!

The Manning Bowl was on national television last night (SURPRISE!!)... and we had to be treated with home movies??  The 35 mm film kind.  Did I really need to know that Eli was a crying bitch since way before he whined about being drafted by the Chargers?  No...   the good news was that, aside from a sink hole opening up at the 50 yard line and swallowing both teams, one of the Mannings had to lose last night.  To make it sweeter is that the one that lost (ahem, Eli, ahem), looked like shit while losing.  LOVED THAT! 

Michael Vick is back...  with nary a dead dog to be found, Vick reappeared on the NFL scene yesterday.  In doing so, he threw for over 200 yards against the Lions and gave Kevin Kolb a bad case of the "Aw shits."  But everyone relax...  As soon as Kolb is no longer seeing the big dipper during the day, he will once again be taking the snaps and Vick will be returned to backup status.  Until later in the season when Kolb is suddenly attacked by a pack of pit bulls on his way to his car after practice.

Psych hospitals are on the lookout in Tennessee after Jeff Fisher yanked Vince Young from the game yesterday.  Young tossed two picks and fumbled the ball away once against the Stillers.  Kerry Collins finished the game 17-25 with a touchdown and a pick.  We all remember the last time Vince Young wasn't feeling the love, right?  In this game yesterday, Dennis Dixon and Young both left and were replaced respectively by Charlie Batch and Kerry Collins.  Holy Quarterbacks in Depends, Batman!!!  Jeezus, I could hear knees creaking all the way up here in New Hampsha.  No wonder the score was 19-11.

Your Stimulus Money At Work

Just up the road a piece from my home, there is a road construction project going on.  Not exactly sure what they are doing, but it does involve some big fukkin yellow construction machinery, guys in yellow hats and orange vests and two dudes with STOP/SLOW signs.  Rumor has it they are building a sidewalk that will eventually stretch the one mile from the high school to the strip mall.  Whatever.  I have not seen much pedestrian traffic out there, but I get it.  If ever the employees at Blockbuster want to put together a walking group for their lunch hour, they now have a safe means of exercise.  Why am I ranting about this?  Well, that's what we in the writing business call an "introductory paragraph."  The sidewalk project has very little to do with my Monday morning bitch.  It's been a couple of weeks since I hammered my good buddy B. Hussein Obama... so here goes!  If you are one of those still expecting hope and change, you should click off now before I piss you off or you piss me off - I still love you all.

At both ends of this project, there stands a sign.  Not a "Slow Down Save A Life" sign or a "Speeding Fines Doubled in Work Zone" sign.  Nope... a sign that proudly tell you how this particular project is funded.  Apparently, the money for the project came from the 700 million beans Obie printed with his Stimulus program.  I get it... these projects put people to work and help make our roads better.  But tell me this... how much money went toward making the fukkin signs?  Do we really need to use taxpayer money to make signs to tell us how our taxpayer money is being spent?  A little research, and come to find out that the government spent over $20 million dollars on the signs nationwide.  I guess some Republicans and other conservatives started raising a stink last month about the Obie campaign signs (come on... that's what they are) and now they are mysteriously disappearing.  Shit, the signs all have the Recovery and Reinvestment Act logo clearly displayed.  A logo?  Who the fuck spent time creating a logo for an act of congress?  Seriously!!  A fukkin logo!  Did the Bill of Rights have a logo?  The first amendment?  Oh, by the way, take a look at the logo.  Kinda reminds one of B. Hussein Obama's campaign logo from two years ago.  Power of suggestion?  Good move.  The signs might as well say this:

On the bright side, Obie continues to do his part in creating jobs.  He created another job last week when he named Harvard law professor (fukkin shocking, I know) Elizabeth Warren as a "Special Adviser to the President" for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.  By the way, she was not officially named to head up that agency because apparently Obie did not want to go through the Senate confirmation process that would have been required.  So let's make every fukkin Harvard faculty member a special adviser to the White House and put all those poor underpaid professors to work.  DOH!!!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Derek "Cheatah"? I Don't Think So

You know me... I am quicker than anyone to bitch about the Yankees.  I can even find fault somewhere in a Yankee donating money to kids with cancer or saving a two legged dog from a burning house.  But people...  Derek Jeter did NOT cheat the other night when he pretended to have been hit by a pitch.  Oh, he played it up like a soccer flopper and after the fact looks kinda re-gawdamn-diculous holding his arm like it's about to fall off and bent over in apparent pain (A-Rod's favorite DJeet position, by the way).  Replay showed the ball hit the end of Jeter's bat and came nowhere near his arm.  But the ump said take your base.  Was he supposed to say no thanks, it really didn't hit me?  Gimme a freakin' break.  His job is to get on base.  This is the pennant race shitheads!  The Yanks were down a run and needed a base runner.  I say bully for Jeter.  Next batter, Curtis Grandstander, lined a homerun into the seats.  BAM!  Yankees take the lead.  Bottom line, it worked and the prick did not cheat.  His only crime is the over acting.  Did he really need to stand there with his hands on his knees talking to a trainer, looking like he was about to pass out?  Really?  Just fukkin run to first base and get on with the game.  Either way, it all worked out in the end cuz that other prick, Rays Dan Johnson, hit a two run homer later in the game and the Rays won.  Big Rays fan these days, by the way.  Hate them nearly as much as the Yanks, but rooting hahd for those guys to win the pennant over the Spankees.

The real story should be what the fuck the umpire was thinking.  A 90 mph pitch hits a wooden bat directly on the handle.  Makes a slightly different sound than hitting a human being.  Apparently the dumbass in shinguards thought Jeter has wooden arms.  He said something about thinking it hit the elbow protector.  Whatever. 

Thursday, September 16, 2010

NICKNAME WANTED - Meadowlands seeks an identity.

Because I freakin' love everything New York and New Jersey (he says with cutting sarcasm and notorious wit), I think the new shithole in East Rutherford needs a nickname... one that is befitting of the storied franchises that pay rent at Exit 16W.  Since Shithole is already taken by dingy dives and greasy pizza joints up and down the Turnpike, we need to come up with something else.  The Pats have the Razor, Eagles had the Vet and the 49ers the Stick.  University of Michigan plays at the Big House and the Florida Gators at The Swamp.

Ideas for the new Meadowlands:  The Dump, The House That Sanchez Ruined, Exit 16, The Graveyard (Hoffa reference), The Toilet,  The Giant Jet (blechhhhhh).   They are all okay...    but here is a picture of the new stadium.  I took one look and the first thing I thought of HAS to become the new moniker for Sexy Rexy's home stadium....   THE SLINKY!   Oh yeah, the muthafukkin Slinky!  How can you call it anything else?  Look at it!  It looks like a one of those little springs on it's last leg.

We all remember the song, right?

What's shiny and strong, but not for long,
and has a Fireman Ed?
A chump, a hump, a soon-to-be dump
Everyone come to The Slinky

The Slinky, the Slinky
The home of the Giants and Jets
It's Slinky, the Slinky
Hold on to your wal-LETS! 
(sorry, rhyming aint't my game and I am missing lunch)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


The Patriots made a surprise move yesterday in trading 6 year player Laurence Maroney to Denver.  It was not the trade that was a surprise.  It was the fact that Maroney was actually still in New England.  "Am I surprised?  Hell yes I'm suprised!" admitted a Patriot player under the condition of anonymity.  "Honestly, the last time I saw Larry, he was tippy toeing around behind Matty Light in November of 2009.  I had heard rumors that he was playing for the Steelers this year so I was as surprised as anyone when a trade was announced."

Dance no more... Boney Maroney was shipped off to the Denvah Dumpin Grounds yesterday, along with a 6th round draft pick and a bottle of headache pills in exchange for a pair of those fahkin awesome throwback socks the Broncos wore last year and a bag of kicking tees.  This brings to an end the Maroney Era in New England and all that goes with it (endzone fumbles, cha cha dance steps off tackle and some fantastic hair).   Seriously, what the fuk took so long to ship the Wreck of Ol' 39 out of town?  This guy gives tits on a bull a run for its money in the useless department. 

The Big Back That Couldn't joins former teammates No Hands Graham, Long Snapper Paxton and Russ Hochstein in Denver with that wizard Josh Daniels.  Here's hoping Tim TeBlow and Maroney enjoy each other's company on that bench.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

It's Not Harassment - He's Just Hungry

Rex Ryan swears he was not trying to harass anyone.  "I hadn't had a thing to eat since the triple stack of flapjacks at the mid-morning buffett, and at first glance I thought her ass was a cupcake."  When Ryan realized he was actually looking at Sainz' booty, he said he quickly left the locker room in search of lunch.  "I meant no disrespect to Miss Sainz.  Seriously, have you seen that ass?  Would you disrepect her?  I respect her with all my manboobs and welcome her into my office for one on one interviews every Monday if she wishes." 

Okay folks... real quick.. and this won't be well received by the millions of women who read this blog, but from this point on, I won't be very popular.... but I really don't care.  Ines Sainz has an incredibly hot ass.  She is also a "sports" reporter from Mexico (Notice what I said first, btw - cuz it's that ass that she WANTS you to notice first).  She has referred to herself in the past as the "Hottest Reporter in Mexico."  This was her attire (right) when covering the Super Bowl in 2009.  Wonder if Jackie MacMullan or Mike Wilbon were wearing similar outfits.  So, it's safe to say she wants to look hot.  According to Dos Tetas (google that shitheads), she felt harrassed and uncomfortable when she went into the Jets' locker room to interview Dirty Sanchez and players started calling out to her and talking amongst themselves about her body.  So Ines Sainz wants to be treated like every other professional reporter?  You be the judge and please be honest!  Take a look at Senorita Sainz...  an extra long look will be easy, by the way.  Let's face it!  She got her job BECAUSE she was a former Miss Spain and is responsible for countless Mexican boners (and at least one American one, by the way).  What the fuck does anyone think is going to happen in a locker room of over 50 guys in their 20's and 30's (and one big fat loudmouth in his 40's)?  I am not saying it is right.  And I am not saying they are excused for their behavior.  What I am saying is LOOK AT HER!  If if she or anyone else expected anything different, then the short bus will be there in the morning to pick you up.  And why do we think the Mexican tv station is sending her to locker rooms?  It's a room full of dudes and she is mucho caliente with a coolo I could eat dinner off.  Ever been in a sports bar and a hot chick walks in?  Take a close look at the body language and the head snapping that goes on.  It's what we do. 

So, what was Ines wearing that day at the Jets practice to cause all the hubbub?  She posted a picture of it to show us all.  Sure, this is not inappropriate attire and not deserving of crude behavior.  But a smoking hot dumper nonetheless.  Come on everyone!!  Even you ladies have to admit that is one backyard you wouldn't mind having a party in.  And let's be honest... do you think that when she did a catwalk twirl in front of the hotel mirror that morning she said to herself, "Now THERE'S the professional look I was going for.  The boys won't think of me as a hot chick in these jeans."  Yeah... right.

Hate mail and sexist accusations can be directed to the following email:

Monday, September 13, 2010

That's A Good Sunday: Week 1 NFL Recap

Week one is in the books… (a Monday night double headah notwithstanding) and yours truly spent Sunday with bonerfide NFL smile on my hungover face. It started Thursday night when the Saints gave Favre a refresher course in why he should retire and it just got better and better during the day yesterday. First things first… the statement makin’ muthafukkin asskickin the good boys dealt to Batman and Robin and their collection of misfits in orange tiger stripes!

Someone (I’m goin with Boomer Esaison) said it best during one of the pregame bullshit sessions when he pointed out that the team with the best wide receiver tandem on the field in Foxboro was New Fahkin England!! Everyone wanted to hype up TO and Ochodinko, forgetting that two guys named Mossman and Wes were on the other sideline. Super Wes and his bionic knee snagged two scores early and the Bengirls were reeling. I’ll take Brady, Welker and Moss over ANY receiver threat in the league. Yeah, Ocho got his yards (150 or so and a score), but all after the game was AWL DUN. And neither Ochocinco nor TO were even on the field for the hail mary at the end of the first half (cuz TO thought it was already halftime, he was walking into the locker room and Stinko had cramps). Brandon “What the Fuck Was That Blur” Tate and the Big Gronk each notched their first NFL touchdowns yesterday. It was ones across the board for my man Gronk - Thrown to once, he had 1 catch for 1 yard and 1 touchdown. And Tate put the kibosh on any gun firing plans Ocho had by turning the game into a blowout with his hop, skip and run like fuk kick return to open the second half. With the game out of reach when Dinko scored, he could only just sprint back to his sideline with his angry face… even he knows ya cannot showboat when you are down by three scores.

Two disturbing things from yesterday – but nothing to worry about yet: Kevin Faulk dropped TWO passes and Gostkowski missed TWO field goals. The next time those two things happen in the same game, the Clippers will be NBA champions and I’ll be voting a straight Democratic ticket.

PS… there were two moments in the fourth quarter yesterday that has me doing a complete about face today on how I feel about Chad Johnson. After catching a pass on the sidelines, did y’all notice the little slap on the ass Ocho dealt to Belichick? Some people want to think of that as a moron or asshole move. But those two actually get along very well and Billy Boy has freely admitted that he likes Chad’s style and his talents. There is certainly a mutual respect there, which was cool to see. But even better was when Merriweather nearly turned him into an ocho looking for his cinco, lighting him up in fine fashion with a clean but crushing hit on the sidelines. To his credit, Ocho popped up, pointed at Merriweather and patted him on the helmet, giving him ultimate props for a hit well delivered. He smiled and continued to point in his direction as if to say, “Holy fuck, you can bring it!” I can see a certain someone taking Ocho Uno’s place at the Razor in the near future, can’t you?

Outside The Razor:

The Steelers escaped their home opener with an overtime victory over Atlanta in a game that featured two quarterbacks that have never waved their dicks at drunk chicks in a restroom. This field goal fest must have had the Stiller fans yawning because neither team could find their way into the endzone for 4 quarters. Let’s face it – field goals are points. But unless it clinches a victory, a field goal is a lot like the bottom of a bag of chips… better than nothing, but it still sucks.

I loved watching Romo and the ‘boys choke on their own vomit last night. In case you were sleepyface by then, Romo scrambles and threw a game tying TD pass to Roy Williams with an extra point coming. But offensive lineman Alex Barron thought that play would be a good opportunity to teach Redskin linebacker how to slow dance and put him in a freakin’ choke hold.

Colts, they lost. Enough said. Those muthafukahs still scare the shit out of us Pats fans, so to see there will be no undefeated talk this year makes us all feel good. The Tim Teblow experiment is still an experiment. The most overrated player in decades made his debut, stepping under center just twice yesterday to run the QB sneak. Seriously, can we all stop the bullshit? Did ESPfukkinN need to show both carries on SportsCenter? Did CBS really need to go to a game break to show us Tebow’s first NFL carry? 2 carries for 2 yards. At this rate, he will reach 1000 yards about the same time Kevin Faulk drops two passes in a game.

One last NFL note: Tonight, I’m rootin’ hahd for the Ravens to smoke the J E T S but am not looking forward to listening to the morons in the booth tell me how Dirty Sanchez has matured into an elite NFL quarterback despite the fact he still cannot figure out which uniform his receivers are wearing.

Have a great week shitheads!!!   Be back next Monday with a Rex Ryan Chokes On A Twinkie story.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Lest We Forget

Nine years ago!  Doesn't seem that long ago, does it? 

Stay pissed people!!!  We owe it to the 3000 killed that day.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Spies Like This? I Surrender!

The Russian spy is in the news again and I gotta tell you....  I cannot believe this vodka babe didn't end up with a key to the fahkin Pentagon, fahchristsake!  Her spy name is Anna Chapman, but I prefer to call her Irina - sounds way hotter than Anna.  Can you imagine if she was working here during the Clinton administration?  With that ass, ol' Billy would have given her every defense file in DC.  Seriously, I don't care what higher office a guy holds, we are all suckers for a smoking caboose and a good rack. 

Irina:  "Mr. President, I am good intern and promise I no spy.  Show me nuclear defense plans and I show you my fantastic Russian breasts."
Clinton:  "You betcha!  I love Russian breasts.  Will you hold my cigar?"

Had Gorbachev had access to this minx when he was in power, he'd still be standing on top of his wall with that wine stain on his head and Ronnie Reagan's famous speech in East Germany would have been more like this:  "Mr. Gorbachev, I don't give a furry hat about your silly wall.  Please let me motorboat Anna just one more time."

Dear Irina,

Would you please come spy on me?  I know stuff.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

Brady Accident Causes Spike in New Underwear Sales

WHOA!!!   I nearly cuh-cuh'd in my skivvies when I heard the news.  Tommy Boy was just about beheaded in a major motor vehicle crash this morning in the Back Bay.  From early reports, it appears Brady was leaving his home in the city for a leisurely cruise to Foxboro for another day's work of slinging balls and slappin' ass with Wes and Randy, when ALL OF A SUDDEN, a red mini-van from hell with fire shooting out of the exhaust and a giant razor sharp blade on the grill came hauling ass into the intersection and nearly deleted our star quarterback from fantasy rosters all over the internet.  After rescue personnel sewed his head back on and performed life-saving CMVPR (that's cardio MVP resuscitation, fahkers!), Tommy Boy got up and ran to Foxboro, barefooted.  Then the real story slowly came out...  Brady was simply inconvenienced by the wreck this morning.  No injuries.  No nothing.  Well, I guess a passenger in the van had to be extricated and transported to a hospital, but I don't think that guy was going to play on Sunday anyway.  Bottom line is that TB is fine and at practice this afternoon, getting ready to shut the pie holes of those twinkies in Bengal stripes this Sunday. 

Rest easy Pats fans... the Holy One will be under center this week.  This was most likely just a ploy to give Billy B a reason to put Brady on the injury report as questionable with a "back injury" for the rest of the season. 

There are two things that jumped out at me with this story and that are more newsworthy than the itty bitty fendah bendah!  First, why the hell is Brady driving a car?  I thought he just pulled on a cape and flew his supah hero ass to the stadium!!   Second, what the fahk is with the Jersey plates on the Audi, Mr. New Contract Man?  Something you are not telling us?  A negotiating ploy, perhaps?  Tune into WEEI today and I am betting you will hear more Pats fans troubled over the Gahden State plates than the actual car accident. 

Whew... now that THAT undie soiling event has passed, I can get on to real stuff - like googling recipes on corn dogs.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

OchoSink That Gun Up My Ass

So, Ochodicko claims he is gonna grab a musket off one of the Minutemen at Gillette Stadium if he puts 6 on the board next Sunday during the openah?  This moron has no freakin' clue what he is messing with now.  You see, Chad, that guy on the left - that's Sully and he's from South Boston.  And the second from the right is Donny Wingnuts from the North End.  Try grabbing the musket and you will have a bayonette suppository soonah than you can say "T.O. I love you man!"    It looks like a big giant game of grabass is going on over there in Cincy.  The two loud mouths are going to be hosting their own sports talk show in October and each have their own reality show on television.  But I am giving it until Halloween before the sports talk show is done and T.O. starts bitching about Carson Palmer favoring Dicko over him. 

And out of New York, Fatso got his man and Derelle Revis is back in uniform.  Fireman Ed must have a boner he can hang his helmet on with the return of the Island.  But really, the quotes from Revis are a bit over the top.  "It was hurting me so bad."  and "This experience humbled me so much."  If it was hurting so bad, why didn't you get your ass to camp?  This douche is working his way into T.O. class and he has only been around a few years.  Good Gawd.

Hey Mossman... SHUT UP!  There are other dudes in their last year of contracts.  You don't see the long haired quarterback speaking a freakin word about his contract and he has done just a LITTLE BIT more than you for the Patsies.  Just cuz you ain't signed, it does not mean they don't want you.  It just means they are waiting on the new bargaining agreement.  Look around skinny man... you ain't alone.  Suck it up and catch touchdowns, will you please?

The Stillers, my other favorite team, have announced who will start in place of the Ben Roethlisboner for the first four weeks... drum roll please.............  Dennis Dixon.  WHO???  The dude from Oregon?  I had wondered where that future hall of famer had ended up.  Well, it appears he is in black and gold and will be leading the Stillers to battle for the first four games.  Given the pass protection of Pittsburgh's O Line, it's a good thing that sumbitch is quick.  He's gonna need to use those legs to survive four games.  The other options:  QB Sunny Acres Nursing Home residents Charlie Batch and Bryon Leftwitch - but they have plans on Sundays, performing in the piano sing a long in dining room.  And Terry Bradshaw has another job.

AAAAHHHHH   Football season is on the way.   And how bout them Boise State Broncos????!!!!!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Circle Jerk? Now That's Funny!

Dear Earl,

Listen up you big mutha fukkah!! You don’t scare me! Instead of spinning around over the ocean faster than a one armed whore in a circle jerk, threatening to soak the first night of football in New Hampsha, why don’t you try doing something a little more fitting for a storm of your Oprah like girth? Like making a hard left at Long Island and trying to move that fat ass Rex Ryan from the lunch table. You are a week too late to wash Aw Shucks Palin and the Big LeBeckski off the DC mall (yeah, even some of us way to the right conservatives recognize morons when we see them - no seriously – I side with them politically, but who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to put these two asshats on the same stage? And even worse, in the same vicinity of that other loud mouth, good for abso-fucking-lutely nothing Al Sharpton – is that douche even relevant any longer?).

Earl, I refuse to give in to your threats. You will not see me waste perfectly good masking tape on my windows, nor will you see me rushing the aisles of the supermarket, stepping on ol’ Mrs. Clifford’s 38 longs just to get the last gallon of water. Sure, you are a hurricane now! But let’s face it… by the time you get here, you will be nothing but a windy day of rain. I remember Bob and I remember Gloria… storms that were going to destroy the New England coast… pussy storms. Oh, I am going to that football game tomorrow night. I am bringing an umbrella and I might even wear a Hefty bag poncho. But I am not changing my plans.



Wednesday, September 1, 2010

If They Can Do It, Why Can't I?

After reading this story, and being so fucking proud of living in the 603, I have decided to file my own lawsuit in a shameless attempt to get myself some free money and get 15 minutes of fame on any one of those morning news shows.  You know, the shows that prominently feature a bunch of New Yorkahs looking through the window in the background like a bunch of guppies on a breadline.

With years of nightmares as evidence, I am suing Major League Baseball, Fenway Park, Mike Torres and Bucky Fuckin' Dent for $15 million dollars to cover emotional stress, lost wages and denial of a full education.  As a 12 year old, I should not have been made to witness a 14 game collapse that culminated in a little prick hitting a fly ball over the green monstah.  In 1978, I was deprived a day of school when I chose to stay home to watch the afternoon tilt and my education was never to be the same.  Being so horrified with the result, I could not muster the energy to deliver newspapers that day.  Subsequently, my customers did not tip me very well the following Friday and Mrs. Bradley even cancelled her newspaper delivery, severely cutting into my profit margin.  The next 32 years have been traumatic as I have been forced to listen to Yankee fans chant "1918" and "20 something Rings"....  and all I had as a retort would be "Yankees Suck!"  

Seriously, let's rant about the actual lawsuit a fellow Granite Stater has filed.  This story is EXACTLY what is wrong with our society today.  A 10 year old boy witnessed a KILLER whale KILL a trainer.  Tragic story for sure.  Horrible scene for sure.  But how fukking traumatized is this boy on whose behalf his parents are trying to milk money from Seaworld?  So traumatized that they can drag his ass onto a national television show and listen again to the details of that day.  Doesn't sound like a couple of parents trying to help their son get past the image of that day.  Their lawyer claims that they only want Seaworld to accept responsibility.  So when pressed if they would be okay with a public acknowlegement instead of a financial payout, the lawyer poo pooed that notion, saying the only way a corporation could say sorry is with dollars.  Of course!!!   Here's hoping a judge not only dismisses the suit, but shits all over the parents for being opportunistic pricks looking for a payout.