Wednesday, September 1, 2010

If They Can Do It, Why Can't I?


After reading this story, and being so fucking proud of living in the 603, I have decided to file my own lawsuit in a shameless attempt to get myself some free money and get 15 minutes of fame on any one of those morning news shows.  You know, the shows that prominently feature a bunch of New Yorkahs looking through the window in the background like a bunch of guppies on a breadline.

With years of nightmares as evidence, I am suing Major League Baseball, Fenway Park, Mike Torres and Bucky Fuckin' Dent for $15 million dollars to cover emotional stress, lost wages and denial of a full education.  As a 12 year old, I should not have been made to witness a 14 game collapse that culminated in a little prick hitting a fly ball over the green monstah.  In 1978, I was deprived a day of school when I chose to stay home to watch the afternoon tilt and my education was never to be the same.  Being so horrified with the result, I could not muster the energy to deliver newspapers that day.  Subsequently, my customers did not tip me very well the following Friday and Mrs. Bradley even cancelled her newspaper delivery, severely cutting into my profit margin.  The next 32 years have been traumatic as I have been forced to listen to Yankee fans chant "1918" and "20 something Rings"....  and all I had as a retort would be "Yankees Suck!"  

Seriously, let's rant about the actual lawsuit a fellow Granite Stater has filed.  This story is EXACTLY what is wrong with our society today.  A 10 year old boy witnessed a KILLER whale KILL a trainer.  Tragic story for sure.  Horrible scene for sure.  But how fukking traumatized is this boy on whose behalf his parents are trying to milk money from Seaworld?  So traumatized that they can drag his ass onto a national television show and listen again to the details of that day.  Doesn't sound like a couple of parents trying to help their son get past the image of that day.  Their lawyer claims that they only want Seaworld to accept responsibility.  So when pressed if they would be okay with a public acknowlegement instead of a financial payout, the lawyer poo pooed that notion, saying the only way a corporation could say sorry is with dollars.  Of course!!!   Here's hoping a judge not only dismisses the suit, but shits all over the parents for being opportunistic pricks looking for a payout.

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