Thursday, September 23, 2010

Rex Ryan Wants His Players To Behave: Transcript

There are reports coming out of New Jersey and off ESPN's website that have New York Jets head coach, Jabba the Rex, issuing an ultimatum to his players to stop embarrassing the organization with their off the field behavior. Coming from the asshat who flipped off Miami fans last winter and dropped f-bombs all over Hard Knocks, this seems rather hypocritical, dontchathink?

But, although ESPN reported the story first, Shits & Giggles inside sources have obtained a transcript of Wide Rex’s locker room lecture to his players. Once again, Shits & Giggles proves to be the world-wide leader in behind the scenes bullshit.

“Alright you fuckin’ morons. Snuff out the ganja and dump the beers back in the ice tub. Zip your fukkin lips and pay attention. All this bullshit is really starting to piss me the fuck off. Your behavior is a fuckin’ embarrassment to me and the organization. Braylon, how many times have I fuckin’ told you that if you are shitfaced off your ass, you have got to use that fuckin’ melon on your shoulders. Before you think about driving home, make sure you roll down those fuckin tinted windows! You know the fuckin po-po will pull you over every fuckin’ time with those dark windows. Roll ‘em down before you drive drunk, man! And you, D’Brickashaw!!! It’s not the fact that you were in the car with Braylon where I have a problem. It’s that first name of yours. I mean, how many drops of acid did your mama take before she came up with that fuckin’ beauty? What? Was B’Cumberbun already used in your family? Braylon, you are not starting Sunday. I am suspending your stupid taunting ass for one whole play. That’s right – I am serious about this shit, you muther fuckers! Maybe you will think twice the next time you forget to roll down your windows. From now on, if any of you fuck up, I’m gonna be on your ass like frosting on a cupcake… like syrup on a pancake… like butter on a muffin… like cheese and pepperoni and sausage on a pizza…like…. Damn, I’m hungry.

Cromartie, you horny fuck, the front office called me and they want you to stop promising tickets to all of your kids. The new stadium is only so big and we cannot accommodate every fucking illegitimate child of yours. So keep your pecker in your Pacos big man.

And the next time a hot Mexican reporter with painted on jeans and an heart-shaped ass walks into our practice, you fuckers had better respect her for the hot piece of poontang that she is. Thanks to you douchebags, my little senorita cancelled her interview with me and I was left waxing Little Rex while watching Rachel Raye make a lasagna.

And lastly… the Hall of Fame called. Sanchez, they want you and me to come in and pose for our busts because we are fuckin’ shoe-ins for the yellow blazer, baby! Wooohooo…. Come on everyone…. Let’s run over to the Jack In The Box… double burgers on me, you sonzobitches!!!”

DISCLAIMER:  I made this shit up in an attempt to be funny.  There is no truth in this story.  Well, except for the part about Little Rex... that is a daily occurence.

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