Friday, November 22, 2013

I Want A Tuba For My Birthday.

Not only is it a Fukkit Friday... it is also my berfday.  That's right... the 47th anniversary of the day that fukkin' doctor smacked me on the ass and left a crack from muh balls to muh belt.  It's bad enough being shot from the comfort of a 98.6 degree bath into a freezing cold world covered in slop and lookin' like Chris Bosh.  Do they really have to pinch our feet or slap our ass?  Hey, how about a fukkin' Snuggie and a shot of Jack, Doc?

Birthdays are so much more different than they were in the good ol' days of stupid songs, pointy hats and spankings.  Nowadays, our cellies explode with Facebook Happy Birthdays and eCards that remind us what song was number one when we were born.  FUK THAT!  Do you think I give a rats ass that Winchester Cathedral was rockin' our world for three weeks in November of '66?  That song sucks!

In case you have not yet gone shopping for my birthday present, I have put together my list of wants and needs for this year.  To make it easy for you, I am registered at Kentucky Fried Chicken, Juicy Lucy's Gentlemen's Club and the Bass Pro Shop.  But if you would rather not deal with who's buying what, I have an assorted list of things I just fahkin' need!  So get crackin'....


  • Tuba:  Have always wanted one.  Just so I can show up places with it.  Ya know, walk into a dentist office or Market Basket and oopa my ass off until people be like, "Dude's got a tuba."
  • Emperor Penguin:  Come on, these fukkers are just funny.  He can live in my freezer - I'll take out all the Elios Pizzas and limoncello to make room.
  • Rickshaw:  I don't even know why.  Just like the sound of it.  "Herro Rarry.  Wanna lide in my rickshaw?"
  • Bottomless keg of PBR:  Where's there Blue Ribbon, there's a party!
  • Mexican Weather Girl:  Obviously!
  • Oompa Loompa  That spoiled Veruca bitch can suck balls.  I want an oompa loompa now!  Wanna take that little fukker for a walk at the mall and use him to pick up chicks.
  • Motorboat:  Because if you ain't motorboatin', you ain't livin'!
  • My own band:  I'll play lead tuba.  I'll need someone to play the mariachi guitar, the rhythm kazoo, and the gong.  Might add Sully on the fiddle and Curtis Loew on the dobro.  For our live shows, I want a nekkid harp player.  Wonder if Kate Upton has any plucking skillls... oh, who am I shittin?  Who cares?  She'll be nekkid.  Already have our encore tunes planned:  Winchester Cathedral, Radar Love and Rock the Casbah.  
  • A name for the band:  Podunk and the Shit Show is my first choice.
  • Plane tickets to Lewisville, Texas:  So I can have lunch at Redneck Heaven, of course.

Thanks for the birthday wishes... happy shopping.  If you're gonna chip in with someone for the tuba, I'd like it to come with a cover on the end that says "This is my tuba, asshole!  Find your own!"


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