Monday, November 25, 2013

Patsies Recap: Wait! What?? PS - Brady is Bettah!!

The argument is ovah, right?  This question of which supahstah quawtahback you would rather have wearing your helmet and leading your team is a simple one, right?  Don't get me wrong... it is like asking if you would rather have Kate Upton or Scarlett Johannson measuring your inseam.  Either way, it's the happy pants dance for you.  BUT.... if ya had to choose, you'd take Kate because she can win in the cold.

Honestly, the sandman whacked me in the grape with a Fumble Stick long before that lucky bounce hit the dumfuck and handed the Pats the win some time after midnight in front of dumber than me fans still hanging around in that fukkin' wind.


But here's what I know... when the game time temperatures reach down to witch tit level, Peyton Manning shrivels up like Kostanza's dick in a Hamptons pool.  Jeezus, how often have we heard the ESPNers jerk off to how #18 is the "real" offensive coordinator out there?  So the game plan is on that finger lickin' muthafukker, right?  And what more evidence do you need that Manning is afraid of the weather than the numbers last night?  Granted, they were playing with a gifted lead, but the Broncs ran the ball 48 times last night.  While he can make the fuck out of a commercial, Manning wanted no part of grippin' it and rippin' it in that wind.  NoMore Moreno slashed the banged up Patriots defense for 225 large ones while the "greatest quarterback" in history had a span of 51 game time minutes where he managed to get his team into the endzone just once!  When facing the wind, Manning was 6 for 16 for 4 yards and one interception.

Oh, by the way... could there be a bigger kick in the nuts than when Hoodie chose the wind over the ball in overtime??  Holy shit...  has that ever happened?  Has a coach ever chosen to kick away at overtime??  I'm going with no.  As fukked up as it may seem, I think it was an easy decision for Obi Wan Kabelichick.  He knew the Broncos could not move the ball into the wind.

Meanwhile, Tommy Muthafukkin' Brady turned it up in the cold, like he always does.  344 yards on 34 for 50 passing.  Three scores, including two to WesWho Edelman and one to Gronkenstein.  Shit, Brades had no choice because his running backs could not hold onto the gawdam ball!  The Riddler may have just purchased a 5 week seat on the heated bench after yet ANUTHAH lost fumble.  Four carries for Greasy McButterpants... but nice mohawk!!

So... back to the argument at hand:  Stats have been compared, balls have been washed and ESPNers have decided that Manning is a better, or even greater, quarterback than Brady.  The rest of the country has bought into this heads, heels and assholes.  And I gotta tell you... I don't see it.  I acknowledge my blind allegiance probably renders my opinion as toothless.  But fuk you anyway, I'm giving it out.  Peyton Manning does lead Brady in games played, which means of course he leads in all sorts of statistical categories.  He also leads Brady in funny commercials made and brothers with Super Bowl trophies.  In other words, numbers are all good and swell and tickle the pickle of Wilbon and Shannon Sharpe and Tom Jackson and Danny Little Game Marino.  But they don't win the games.  And they certainly don't help in the big games, where Manning is a shell of his regular season superstardom.  In his career, Manning has made the playoffs 12 times.  EIGHT of those playoff runs lasted exactly ONE GAME.  Yup... 8 one and dones for the guy who could be king.  Instead, he pisses down his leg when the lights get bright (or when the temps get low).  What's worse is that most of those times he was in the playoffs as a #1 or #2 seed.  Meaning, he is losing to teams he should be beating.   Contrast that with TMFB.  Tommy Boy has been in the playoffs 10 times of his 12 seasons in the league.  Wanna guess how many times he was one and done, out after one game??  Don't bother... I'll tell you.  It's been TWICE.  He has 17 playoff victories to Peyton's 8.

So... the argument is really over, right??  I mean... I'll take a cold weather hero any day of the week...


So let's dance, assholes.  It may be blustery in Foxboro, but it is smokin' hot in Rio.


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