Sunday, December 8, 2013

Patsies Recap: Middle Bunt!!

It's called Middle Bunt.  And it kicked Cleveland in the gonads!

Well, that was a 58 minute bag of suck today at the Rayzah.  And yet somehow, TMFB got off the taint and willed the fahkin' Patsies to their 10th win of the year, sans Gronkapotamus.  Oh, they certainly got by with a little help from the zebras, by the way.  Hey listen....after the Jets and Panthers horse shit this year, I'll take a ticky tack pass interference call every day of the gawdam week.  Whiny bitch Paul Kruger was quoted in the locker room after the game that he felt they "were kinda robbed at the end."  Tell ya what Krug.... recover the onside kick like a real football team would and your Brownies wouldn't have that problem.

Tenspeed Vereen was the difference maker today in the second half.  At one point, Brady called his number 7 plays in a row, including a 6 yahd scampah late at the end of the third quarter to bring the Patsies to within 8.  And he was about the only ray of sunshine on an otherwise shitiful day that saw the defense make Jason Campbell look like Danny the Dick Marino.  Jeezus, are there any worse linebackers in pass coverage than the crew wearing the flying Elvis?  Tight end Jordan Who The Fuk's That Cameron was targeted 9 times today.  Guess how many catches.... NINE!!!  That's because the likes of Hightower, Spikes and Jamie Collins were sniffin' fart wind all gawdam day.  Cameron was more open than a Kardashian's legs at a dunk contest.

Of course the Patsies deserved to lose this game.  But don't tell those sumbitches that.  Much like the Denver game, seats started emptying and channels started changing when the Brownies went up by 12 with two minutes to go.  And then it was time for Tommy Boy to wakedafukup and for the offense to haul ass.  Still not possible right?  I mean they were gonna have to get a quick touchdown, recover an onside kick and get another friggin' touchdown.  In two minutes.  I had conceded the contest and resigned myself to the fact that I would have to watch Gisele do her bikini magic not out of victory, but rather out of my love of the dance.  Cuz I'm a fukkin' artsy type.

Thanks to an unnecessary roughness penalty on Minitron's touchdown with 1:09 to go to get back to within 5, the Pats got to kick off from the fitty yahd line.  And it was then that Hoodie and his special teams coach unveiled the "MIDDLE BUNT"...  and it was a thing of gawdam beauty as G-ski ran alongside his dribbled kick for 10 yards like he was walking his dog.  And just like that, the Pats had the friggin' ball!!  Two plays later, bing, bang, phanton pass interference call, BOOM and the fukkers were suddenly winning!

But with 35 seconds on the clock, there was still a chance for the Brownies to boot a game winning field goal.  And the prevent defense did their usual stink thing.  Thankfully, Cundiff did not have near the leg to make that 57 yarder at the end and the Patsies had their 10th win in the most improbable of fashions.  Whatevah....  JUST WIN BITCH!   I ain't apologizing for a bad call by the refs at the end (cuz it was).  The Pats were in that situation because they just never stop playing.  Ever.  The Browns could have ended this game well before that PI call by playing some defense in the final two minutes.  But they didn't.  Cuz they suck.

Now for Gronk... I saw the hit.  Thought it was fine.  Unfortunate.  But fine.  Then I saw TJ Ward's post game interview and I KNOW it was fine.  That kid impressed me with his humility in talking about the hit.  So I'm all good with it.  He is giving up 80 pounds to Gronk.  There is only one way to take him down.  And that's what he did.  But Jeezus... Gronk just cannot catch a break.  This will be his legacy.  Could have been the greatest tight end to have ever played.  But will likely have a career shortened by injuries and be better known for his Yo Soy Fiesta and his pinata penis.  DAMMIT!

All this in hand, let's be honest, Patriot nation.  Things are not good.  The Pats are looking at being a one and done team in the playoffs.  There ain't no way that defense will win a playoff game.  And with Gronk likely done for the season, there ain't no way Mr. Mulligan is stepping in to replace tight end production.  Hey, but winning is still fun.  So we shall enjoy it yet again.  Let's dance......

Here is our My God How Do We Keep Winning Like This - Hey, Tom's Wife Is Shaking Her Tits Again Victory Dance.

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