Monday, December 16, 2013

Patsies ReCRAP: 4th and 5 Assholes? Really?

With seven seconds to go from the 'phins 20 yahd line, he reached up his poop hoop once more, but this time, instead of a blue and silver horseshoe, TMFB only came out with muddy fingers.  When some no-name bitch off the bagger line at the Piggly Wiggly picked that pass in the endzone with no ticks on the dick clock, there would be no last second vishy swah for the Patsies in South Beach yesterday.  No division clinching dance party on the majestic aqua marine Dolphin logo at midfield.  And alas, no supah model wife shakin' her whoopie pie in victory for all of my loyal readers.

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Editah's Side Bah:  By the way Mr. Bagger turned Supah Hero, I get it - it was a game winning pick against the top team in the division.  And I get that as recently as last Wednesday, you were a dingleberry clinging on to the practice squad in Frisco.  But tears???  Really brother???   Dude, the only reason you were in the game is because the Dolphins may have the biggest gaggle of gals playing corner in the whole NFL.
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Okay... back to the recrap!  We shoulda known things were not gonna go as planned when the Pats took a 10-0 lead on Hooman's magic catch early in the second quarter.  These guys need to play from behind.  Because when they are up on a team and forcing that team into passing the ball, their shitful secondary shines through like a reindeer's nose on a foggy night.  It was proven on the Dolphins final drive of the first half when Arrington was on the sidelines with a pussy cramp and Marques Cole subbed in and promptly whiffed on Mike Wallace while Stevie Gregory took his typical bad angle and the two of them allowed the formerly dead 60 Minutes host a walk into the endzone.  And then it showed once again in the second half as Ryan Tannenbaum lit up the Patsies defense like a holiday connifer.



Brady actually had a pretty decent day, in my perfectly correct opinion.  Not outstanding, but certainly good enough to come home a winnah.  Dude was in sync with Minitron and DLDola.  The Pasty White Boys combined for 23 catches and 260 something yahds.  Shit, Brady threw to those two guys 33 times out of his 54 pass attempts.  But with all that, the importance of Honky Tonk BaGronkadonk was way fahkin' evident in those last 4 plays from the 18 yard line.  If he's there, they score.  Pretty simple.  Suffice it to say, throwing to Oompa Loompas on a shortened field is a whole lot more difficult than finding a fukkin' Bumble open on the end line (unless he is being bear-hugged in front of a bad official).

Patriot Nation needs to accept the fact that what you see from this hobbled edition of Hoodie's team is what you are gonna get going forward.  The notion that they are this close to the #1 seed with all of these freakin' injuries is reegawdamdiculous in its own right.  Guess Solder got another knock to the grape and he sat out the second half yesterday.  What they have managed to do is remarkable when you look at other riddled teams in the league... read Atlanta Falcons and Green Bay Packers.  Atlanta lost some serious weapons early on and nosedived from a #2 seed last year to a cellah dwellah in line for the top pick.  The Pack lost Discount Doublecheck a month ago and have been a shit storm ever since.  (The only reason they won yesterday is because they were facing Tony Blomo in December - i.e. a guaranteed win)

The Patriots lost yesterday because their defense is horrendous.  No other reason.  The offense was stellar at times, although they did go whisky dick at the end of two long drives that really could have been the difference between a Gisele dance and a TMFB press conference shitty bomb.  These may be the worst collection of linebackers this side of Dallas.  Officer Hightower cannot cover a pimple with a bandaid!  Nor can Jamie Collins or Dane Fletcher.  And that's all you got at the LB spot.  With Talib nursing a bum hip, he has not been the same.  However, we did not see him much yesterday which tells me he did a pretty good fukkin' job defending.  Wallace was being defended by, GASP, Arrington much of the day.  So there ya go.  Still, the Pats had the game in hand.  All they had to do was snuff a bubble screen on 4th and 5 with 2 minutes to go.  But instead, Fletcher and Hightower overpursued the edge and Dennard was kicked out, which gave Charles Clay just enough room to gain SIX FUKKIN YAHDS!!!  That game winning drive got a head start, too.  That's because Gostowski could not keep his kickoff in bounds!  Fahcrisake Ski, the field is 53 friggin' yahds wide!!!  You were kicking off into the seats most of the game.  So what the fuk???  How do you find the sidelines at that particular time???    Aarghhhhhhh!   (Hey, but at least our long snappah did not bounce ball off the nose of the holdah, LOOZAHS!!   -  come on, I need something!)

I bet you did not know that, along with Gisele's cave dance and the Bruin Bear Dance that are played in victory, there is also the much lesser utilized Boston Loser Dance.  Behold....    and sorry!

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