Saturday, December 21, 2013

Santa Is A Douche! It Had To Be Said.

Well... it looks like there is little doubt now.  I am on the gawdam naughty list!  For the last few weeks, I was not sure if I was with the goody two shoes or with that little prick who made Tommy eat a bug.  But the events of last night sealed the deal... Podunk is gettin' coal and reindeer shit for Christmas.   Ya know how I found out??  One puhticulah Christmas wish of mine for yeeyas has been to wear Beyonce's ass for a hat.  That's all.  Not even for a long time.  For just like a couple of seconds or so while she sings All The Single Ladies.  Turns out the oh so voluptuous Mrs. Zee was at the Walmaht in Tewksbury last night handing out gift cahds to customahs decked out in Duck Dynasty tshirts and badly fitting yoga pants.  She was just a few effin' miles away and NOBODY TOLD ME!!

Obviously, this guy has no appreciation for the finer things in Beyonce's ass!
I would have made a prouder showing on behalf of bald dudes, buddy!
Fahk you Santa, you fahkin' sugah cookie eatin' tub of phony goodness!  Just because someone specializes in celebrity racks one day a week, you decide he cannot go exploring on Beyonce's moon?  - I am doing charitable work here, ya know; a regular Boobation Ahhmy bringing happiness and pants tents to tens of thousands of good people.  But then again, maybe you are really a Dumocrat who thinks Christmas is a celebration of the miraculous Hawaiian birth of a certain big eared dicknose and you don't like my political rants!  The thing about you, Kringle, is that you think you can just decide who gets the good shit and who gets a frozen North Pole up the pooper?  Based on what?  Checkin' a list?  Checkin' it twice?  Looking ovah some bullshit reports from a terrorizing gang of tattle-tale elves on shelves?  Dude, you don't know shit!

Have you any idea how many Christmas mornings you have destroyed?  Jolly old elf, my ass!  Kids all around the world wake up every year looking for that one special gift.  Yet you only come through for the rich families with big chimneys.  You run a gawdam sweat shop up there in your high and mighty castle.  Those elves work 364 days a year, around the clock, and yet all you shell out for pay is some sugar plums and a bag of fukkin' gum drops!  These guys need money, man!  At least give them some dollar bills so they can spend their time off making it rain on midget strippers instead of dancing with a scarecrow on a yellow brick road.

The Santa you never hear about....
I love how you play it off like you are some do-gooder who loves children so much that you give up an entire night of your busy candy eating schedule just to fly around the world delivering smiles and joy to all the girls and boys.  I am callling bullshit on that too... I saw the movie.  How you could give a shit less about Elf Practice and how you treated Rudolph in that cave, you prick.  Just cuz he was a little different than the others, you took a holiday shit on his feelings and threw a shot at his father Donner while you were at it.  Oh, but when you needed the little fukker and his glowing nose, it was suck up city, wasn't it?

I've also seen you at the mall, terrorizing the boogers out of little kids all while you smile and give out a hearty Ho Ho Ho... mean prick!  As far as all those times a kid has pissed on your lap, let there be no question that you deserved every fahkin' drop!!

Evidence is in... he's a douche!
So who ya gonna destroy this year, fuckface?  Is little Tyler gonna get that puppy or is it gonna be a Snoopy pez dispenser and a remote control car that doesn't steer?  And I suppose Sally Sue is shit outta luck this year and no iPhone 5 for her.  Instead, it's gonna be socks and earbuds for the heart broken young lady, ain't it?  Oh, but young Mr. Gates is gonna get a fukkin' Beamer with leather seats, ain't he?  Nice job, Claus!  Dick!

By the way, why don't you ever drink the whole glass of milk?  That's fukkin' rude!

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