Wednesday, December 25, 2013
'Twas The Home Invasion Before Christmas
So anyhooz, it was Christmas Eve, right. And all around my house,
the whole fahkin’ family was snoozin’, includin’ the mice.
The stockings were Scotch-taped to the fake fireplace in the pahlah,
Hopin’ Santa will fill those bitches with deodorant and Pez.
The kids were in their beds pretending to sleep,
Bitchin’ about sugar plums and wishing they had gummies and Dew.
My wife in her sweats and me in my Angry Bird boxers,
Had thought about some holiday matress dancing,
But those kids were still awake. So we went the fuk to sleep.
Then some racket outside startled me from bed, and I pooped a little.
I grabbed my 30 aught 6 Springfield and looked outside to see
who would eat lead for fukkin’ with my inflatable Santa.
I pulled up the blinds and knocked out the screen
And it was like gawdam daylight out there cuz of all the snow.
When what to my bloodshot eyes did I see,
But eight friggin’ rein-deer pulling a sleigh through the gawdam sky!
With a fat guy driving, no doubt it was the same guy I saw at the mall yesterday.
These sumbitches were coming fast too and I heard him call them by name,
It was something like Now Dopey! Now Happy! Now Peter and Sly,
On Big Frank! On Two Nuts! On White Bread and Rye!
To the top of my fukkin’ roof those bastahds went
With all kinds of toys and shit in that sleigh.
They tore up my shingles with each little hoof.
I ducked back inside just in time to see that fat fuk
come crashing down the chimney.
Dressed all in fur, he was a PETA nightmare. And he was covered in soot.
His eyes kinda twinkled and he had dimples that could hold shots of Jack.
His cheeks and his nose were all red and his Red Sox beard was in full effect.
Smokin’ a pipe, I think it was the doochie.
Then he laughed and that friggin’ stomach shook like jelly.
He turned around and looked me up and down.
With a twist of his head and a wink of his eye, I swear he was friggin’ hittin’ on me.
I told him to get the fuk out of my house. I charged him with a softball bat.
Dude laid his finger aside his nose and damn if he didn’t just
Fly up the chimney like fahkin’ magic.
Got back in his sleigh and turned tail like a pussy.
I heard him yell as he flew away, for all ears to hear –
Merry Christmas, yah hahd on! I stole all your beer.