Thursday, May 29, 2014
Aw Dammit! Now Where Did I Park That Bandwagon?
The Stanley Cup is still the best frikkin' show in professional sports, even sans Beez. But alas, it is time to turn our attention to the turd pie that is the 2014 Red Sawx. The bandwagon was last seen in Tampa, parked outside the Trop, up on blocks with Clay Buchholz' tampon hanging from the bumpah!
But hold on... the boys have just taken three straight from the Braves. The 2004 Idiots were at the ball yahd last night and John Muthafukkin Lackey is now the ace!! Someone put the wheels back on that bandwagon and ship it up to Boston. Cuz Lil Dusty has shaved his face and the boys are on a roll! But let's leave the frontrunnin' bullshit for another day. We gotta spend today celebrating the Idiots and dumpin' on the Ugly Duckling.
I've come to the point where I could give a bag of shit if Silly Putty Buchholz ever returns to the mound - just get da fuk outta here, girl! This sumbitch is about the sorriest excuse for a professional athlete that I have seen. The fukkin' guy pitched three in 84 degrees and lost SEVEN POUNDS??? He claimed he got winded running to first base after a single in the third inning and used THAT as an excuse for giving up 3 runs in the third and 3 more in the fourth before gettin' the hook. He walked EIGHT batters in three innings. And he blamed the heat. This fukker grew up in Texas, fahchrissake! The Lone Star State ought to revoke his fukkin' birth certificate and exile his bitch ass to the Isle of Vajayjay. And now he's on the 15 day DL, which in Clay-speak means he may be back by the 2015 All Star break. Whatevah... just stay away lady!
On the opposite end of the pussy to manbeast scale from Buchholz sits Lackey with a set of balls that makes Clay's nads look like they should be hanging between a gnat's legs. The dude is just friggin' bringing it every gawdam night and has done so since last summah! Last night, JMFL hiked up his drawers, stared at the likes of Pedro and Schill and DLowe and dealed a pissa performance. "Idiot this, bitches!" In his 12 starts so far, JMFL has given up two runs or LESS in 8 of them.
I missed the start of last night's game... kinda pissed that I forgot to tune in. The Sawx welcomed back 30 members of the 2004 Idiots... the team that dug up the damn Bambino and drilled him in the ass... to celebrate the 10th anniversary of that championship. And fuk if we were not reminded that this was the most fun gawdam group of guys we had ever seen. Shit, they make the beards look like child's play. Long hair, bloody socks, bathroom breaks and shots of Jack... this team will forever be my favorite group of rose hosers. And does anyone think that Kevin Millar has ever come down from that high? I don't! Loved his booth conversation with Pyscho and DO... dude's just havin' a ball and callin' his buddies fat! Awesome!! And now it seems Manny has found God and Varitek has found the buffet. And Papi is still raking!