Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Myrtle Beach Spring Rally, 2014: More Fukked Up Than A ... never mind.

Podunk, Bubba Squared, Cletus and Opie
Seafood Bob walked up to us outside the Causeway Grill and Raw Bar at about midnight on the last night of bike week and immediately recognized us as "yankees."  He said he was from Baltimore and started yakkin' on about muscle cars, sea scallops and flip phones.  We had no idea why he chose us or what the fuk he was talking about.  Ya see, Seafood Bob was kinda tall, loud and completely fukkin' shitfaced.  I knew this because of my unique knack for the obvious.  It was not only by the slur in his speech or the sway in his stance, but by the piss stain on his jeans, that, by the way, ol' Seafood insisted was Crown Royal his friend dumped all over his balls.  Ya see, that is the beauty of bike week, and the Spring Rally held south of Myrtle Beach every May in particular... ya meet the durndest of people.  And it's always fun.  Seafood Bob was not just a shadoobied biker with a lame phone and a weak bladder - naw, he was a wise man quick to offer insight like he was some kinda drunken Confucius - he enlightened this group of Granite Staters that choppers were like afros - First they're in, then they're out, then they're in and then they're out again.

The Spring Rally is alive and well, muthafukkas!  The crowds are returning to the numbers of years gone by.  The beers are still a couple o' bucks and the weather is still just about fahkin' perfect!  Laconia sucks balls compared to Myrtle Beach!  While every other day was sunny and 80, we did get pissed on for most of the day Thursday.  But the skies cleared in time for the Kentucky Headhunters to take the stage at Spokes and Bones later that night.  Not many places in this world can one stand under a tin roof at a free concert, drinking $2 beers while a Grammy award winning band plays Dumas Walker and a nearly nekkid blonde swings upside down from a hoop suspended from the roof, all the while Local Red & White shows up lookin' for some sorry ass who must have done somebody wrong!  I FUKKIN LOVE THIS WEEK!

The week stahted off with a 16 hour pull from the 603 southbound on 95 to South Cackalacky with Opie and me splittin' the drivin'/sleepin' doodies while fukkin' Cletus took a 2 hour plane ride the next day.  Yeah, we trailered.  I ain't ever gonna get one of them "I RODE MINE" stickers.  Cuz it turns out, ya don't really get extra credit at the rally for any of that bullshit.  Oooh, wow... real bikers ride theirs.  FUK THAT!  I'm riding when I get there.  I ain't spending the week dusting my cornhole with Gold Bond and nursing a sore back.  It's kinda like those moms who insist on natural child birth because it's something they can say that they did.  Good for you, ya dummies.  I say take the gawdam drugs!  It's not like you're gonna get a bonus when it's over or anything like that.  No gold seal certificate.  No nothing.  Just a wikkid sore cooch and a colicky baby, ya know, like all the other moms.  Oh, but you're special because you went all natural.  Whatevah!  Soooo, back to bidness at hand.....

First, there was the ridin' - logged about 800 miles in the Carolina sun, up and down 17, 31 and 501.  Up to North Caroline to stop in at Beach House Harley in Shalotte (pronounced Shah-Loat according to a local  and south to Charleston for some Guinness and Jameson at Molly Darcy's Irish Bar (thanks for the tip, K-Rae) where we had the fortune to shoot the shit with the owner, Tommy Snee, who was as welcoming as all get out and treated three Irish yankees to a round of Jameson shots.  One of our first stops of the week was to see a fellow MassHole at her new place on the intercoastal waterway:  K-Rae's Waterway Bar & Grille, located at ICW Channel Marker 57.  Kerri let us in before they opened like we were old friends and her place is fahkin' pissa!  She loves her New Englandahs and still holds MassHole Night every Wednesday of Bike Week.

And then there were the beer stops.  Let's see if I can remember them all....   K-Rae's, Suck Bang Blow, Little Beaver Bar, Big Beaver Bar, Rockin' Hard Saloon, Wildhorse Saloon, The Bowery, Spokes and Bones, Harley's Roadhouse, Neil and Pam's, Sundown Cafe, Milardos, Molly Darcy's, The Bar, Garden City Beach Bar, House of Blues, Ricky's Dockside -   Cletus, have I forgotten any?   We ate fukkin' shrimp burgers at Fibbers in Little River and pissa fried chicken at Hog Heaven in Pawley's Island (TWICE).  Country fried steak at Chelsea Jo's and 2 am pizzas at the Causeway.  Got screwed on price and portion at Bubba's Love Shak in the Inlet but then made up for it with a gi-fahkin'-normous stromboli at Milardos.  Had lunch at the Tilted Kilt where we got the only server NOT WEARING A FUKKIN KILT!!!  A lovely lady this Jo, 7 months pregnant in a long sleeve top with yoga pants pulled over the baby belly.  Listen up, Jo... if ya wanna run with the big dogs, ya gotta go hard all the time.  Lose the yoga pants... throw on that kilt and that push up bra.  Rock that belly!!!  Just don't hit me with that big ass belly button of yours.

But the best part of this rally is simply the people ya meet along the way.  There is Lisa at the Causeway who never slowed the fuk down but always was quick with the beers for us.  There were our neighbors who were in from Pittsburgh (sorry ass Penguin fans who were joined in misery a night later by sorry ass Bruin fans) who gladly shared a beer and a story with us whenever we darkened their party.  Of course, there was Ron and Deb, nightly regulars at Milardos.  Ron is a retired Jersey cop and just the nicest guy ya'd meet anywhere.  Chelsea and Missy at Milardos helped out these Bruins fans and turned their sports bar into Boston South for games 5, 6 and 7.  By the way, ya don't wanna fuk with Chelsea:  she's the 8 on her womens rugby team and will tackle your ass if you cross her.  And that's kinda hot, actually.  There was Fire Annie, Seafood Bob and Captain BillyBob who was parking cars at Suck Bang Blow.  Tim and Jim from Canada and Weasel Bob from Philly who retired to Garden City the bastid!

Seeya soon, Garden City!  Gotta go trade in my liver for a newer model.  But thanks for the memories!

Dude named Chris Adams has a Youtube page and he posted this video of one afternoon at Suck Bang Blow.   Thanks Chris, whoever the fuk you are!!   Awesome job!


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