Friday, July 4, 2014

Making Sense of the Declaration of Independence

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. 

Those are the first few paragraphs of the Declaration of Independence, as written and signed by our founding fathers in Philadelphia some 238 years ago.  But there ain't no Shakespeares or Colonists amongst us, so I thought I would do my best to translate from the King's English into realspeak.  Here goes:

When, in the Course of the tea-sippers pissing us off, it becomes necessary to drop our pantaloons in the direction of King Georgie and tell him we are all fahkin' done with his taxes and tariffs and ugly queens, and it has become time for us to make our own kickass country with our own kind of football and without the stupid accent, because the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God say so.  And it is only a matter of respect that we write down the reasons we are kicking them to the curb and declare our independence on a piece of paper and get a bunch of drunks in powdered wigs to sign.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that, except for Tom Brady and Kenyans born in Hawaii, all men are created equal.  And while all men are CREATED equal, they do not STAY equal.  Because some men work their asses off, get bigger houses and hotter women while other men sit around on the stoop wanting someone else to do their shit for them.  And let's face it... some men don't even get created equally.  If ALL MEN were created equal, then how do you explain Lyle Lovett, fahchrissake?  That poor bastid was created with an ugly stick up his ass.  When he looks in the mirror, do you think he believes in self-evident truths?  But to his credit, he worked hard, became successful and spent a couple of years banging Julia Roberts.

That they are endowed with unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, bacon bits, squeezable cheese and the pursuit of cold beer and women in yoga pants.  -- That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, unless of course the President does not get his own way in which the consent of the governed be damned, ala King George.  -- That whenever any form of Government cannot get out of it's own fukkin way because they are a big collection of douche canoes, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, i.e. to vote those fukkers right out of office if ya have the balls to do it.

....Later on in the DofI, it reads:
 "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

Take that as you will... but ya might apply that same sentence to, oh I don't know, a President who threatens to bypass Congress at any step and force his will upon our laws.  Ya know anyone like that?


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