Monday, December 28, 2015

So They Opted To Kick. Time To Let It Go People.

Now that the 24 hour cool down period has elapsed, time to unwad your knickers, suck up your buttercup and settle the fuk down Patriot nation.  Matthew Slater was not a victim of "muscle memory" like that idiot Fouts wondered aloud (How in hell do these idiots ever get hired?).  Quit breaking down the transcript of the coin toss discussion between the ref and the Pats.  Belichick wanted to kick.  That's it.  I'd rather they didn't, but they did.  And in case you're not paying very close attention, I am not the greatest coach to pull on a hoodie.  And neither are you.

Are you even aware that the Pats defense held the J E T S to just 33 yards in the fourth quarter, including a big stop on the Jets final possession when they were 15 yards from field goal range? Before the last Pats drive when they were stopped on third down twice but converted fourth down plays, the Pats offense had gained just 21 yards.  The Pats were ONE FOR TEN on third down during this game, including 1 for 5 in the fourth quarter.  Yes, the Pats had a 66 yard drive to tie the game... BUT THEY NEEDED those fourth down plays to do it.  If that were overtime, they punt.

Coach Four Rings felt that the team's best chances were in the hands of the defense making a stop before turning the ball back into the hands and foot of the greatest quarterback and kicker on the planet.  It was a field position game all day.  And had Teyvon Wilson, the 5th string safety on the depth chart, defended a fukkin' diagonal route properly (Football 101 according to Tedy Bruschi), they may have made that stop.  But nope.  The Jets won.  Big deal.

All that being said... I still wish they had given Brady a chance first before asking their defense to make a stop.  But in the grand scheme of things, the Jets continue to do things without Rex Ryan that they could never do with him.  And that makes me very very happy.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Uh Oh... Ebeneezah Is Driving The Blog Today

The boss is taking today off so that he can partake in his annual Christmas Eve tradition of hittin' the mall with the rest of the fahkin' morons who waited till the last fahkin' minute and are now stuck with another basket of lotions and soaps from Bath and Body Works and a foot massager from Brookstone.  Oh, don't worry.  Podunk's tradition ain't shoppin'.  Every year, he grabs a big ass pretzel from Auntie Anne's, loads that bitch up with mustard and stands outside Victoria's Secret looking through the window until someone calls the mall cops.  He is trying to beat his personal record of 1 hour 12 minutes.

In the meantime, back at the outhouse suites of Shitz n' Giggles, Mr. Pist has left me, Ebeneezah Fizzywig McGrinchypants, in charge of the blog today.  So I'm gonna tell you all the shit that sucks about Christmas.

First things first... the Yankee Swap!  What the fuk is with that bullshit?  Grown ass adults fighting over decorative candle burners, fuzzy blankets and Chia pets.  Not to mention that one pain in the ass who thinks the price limit means anything UP to that limit is fine.  So while you throw in a couple of scratch tickets to reach the $20 limit, this asshole brings a $5 ice scraper.  Why don't we just scrap the Yankee Swap, go out and spend 20 bucks on ourselves and everyone will leave happy.

Next, the Elf on a fukkin' Shelf.

It's cruel enough to strike the fear of Santa into the hearts of children with the naughty and nice lists.  Now, we put a fukkin' Santa Spy in our houses, watching the kids?  Oh, and we tell the kids that they are NOT to touch the Elf or he will lose his Christmas magic.  And if they do touch the elf, they gotta write a fukkin' apology letter to Santa and pray the North Pole doctors can fix him up.  This is directly from the official Elf website:
Christmas magic is very fragile, and if scout elves are touched they may lose their magic. If your scout elf has been touched, you can apologize by writing a letter to Santa, or saying you’re sorry to your elf. Then, please sprinkle a little cinnamon beside him or her before you go to bed; cinnamon is like vitamins for scout elves, and it helps them get back to the North Pole. Once they arrive, the North Pole doctors will check them out.
That's right Billy.  You touch Sprinkles or Herbie or Tinsel or whatever other stupid fukkin' name you gave him, you are in deep shit with Santa!!  

If you want to get a better picture of how fukkin' evil this idea is, just read the story about the poor 7 year old girl from New Jersey who knocked her elf to the floor.  She called 911 in a panic, scared to death that she ruined Christmas!  (READ AND LISTEN TO 911 CALL HERE).   It ain't cute, assholes!  It's mean.  Flush your elves and cut the shit.

A few other things about Christmas that sucks big reindeer balls:
-  THE TRAFFIC: Does EVERYBODY have to go to the same mall at the same time?  Ever hear of Amazon Prime, you dinks?
-  The Facebook Christmas Card:  Jeezus H.!  Stamps are not that expensive!!  Send a gawdam card, you lazy pricks!
-  The Ugly Sweater Party:  Um, it ain't cute anymore.  A giant Santa face on a red sweater is so yesterday!  Let's do something new and uglier - have a Take Your Sweater Off Party!  Man boobs and boloney tits dipping into the punch bowl makes for way better conversation and more interesting dance moves.
-  Rudolph Noses On Cars:  Every time I see a big red nose on a grill or antlers sticking out of the window, I wanna run them off the road.  You're not a reindeer!  You're a Christmas Douche!

That's about all I got, ya bunch of pricks!  Merry Christmas and go fuk yerself!  I'm heading down to the tittie bar to spend my bonus watching nine ladies dancing!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

How To Make A Gingerbread House If You're A Dude

So, it's Christmas time.  That means that if you are a dude with a lady in your life, you are gonna have to relent and engage in some cozy yuletide nonsense to maintain satisfactory credit with the Bang Bank.  Whether it's wearing an ugly sweater or going to the mall for a romantic holiday walk, we are gonna resort to typical lows this holiday season.  Today, we are gonna make a gingerbread house.

First thing you do is remind your sweet wife or your dahlin’ fukkin' girlfriend that she owes you some serious holiday mattress time for makin’ you participate in this fukkin’ nonsense.

Next, get yerself some booze. Beer is my preference, but you can crack the seal on whatever bottle you think will dull the pain of making a miniature house for little Ginger Hanzel and Ginger Gretel. If your liquor cabinet is empty after the gawdam gift wrappin’ fiesta ya had last week, then roll a big ol’ fatty and get your 420 on. If this is your method, remember to exercise caution or you will end up eating all of the fukkin’ icing on that bitch before you glue the fake trees to the cardboard.

Once you are good and buzzed and all done whining to your significant other about missing the first period of the Bruins game, it’s time to roll some gawdam dough!! What you want is a fukkin’ shit ton of buttah, some brown sugah, molasses, baking soda and some gingah. It’s the name of the fukkin’ house. Of course you need gingah.

Put all that shit in a bowl except the brown sugah. Cuz you gotta whack the fuk out of that sugah rock with a 28oz framing hammah before you can even use it. Now, mix that shit up and set your oven at 375 fukkin’ degrees. Get another beer cuz it’s about to suck even worse.

Roll that dough out and cut it into a bunch of fukkin’ rectangles and squares. They are gonna be yer walls and yer roof. Cuz that’s all Hanzel and Gretel are getting… a gingerbread cube house. Bake that shit good for 15 minutes.

While it bakes, that’s the perfect opportunity to hold some mistletoe over yer package and ask yer girl for a kiss.  If she says no, try a little boob grab or hiney pinch. She loves it when you do that.

Okay, so after she shuts you down, bring your blue balls back to the kitchen cuz it’s time to get that shit out of the oven and try to glue a gawdam house together with nothing but frosting and a buzz. 

After managing to break every fukkin’ piece in half because your big fukkin’ hands are not made for arts and crafts, throw it all in the gawdam trash and give her money to go buy a premade gingah bread house with candy cane door frames and a gumdrop chimney. Get another beer and turn the Bruins on. Cuz you’re a dude!

Since the house was too gawdam difficult, try your hand at making gingerbread cookies.  Just follow this recipe!!

Monday, December 14, 2015

MMLS: Patsies Back On Top (For Now?)

Bad news for the AFC... He ain't extinct yet.  The Gronkosaurus returned with yet another brace on yet another appendage and the fukker still managed to drop a dino turd on the Texans' night.  While Scooter McDaniels and Matt the Beard Patricia schemed to put JJ Watt and DeAndre Hopkins in check, TMFB did his thing and, with thanks to Denver and Cincy for pissing down their legs at home, the Patsies are back in the drivers seat for the one seed.  We shall see what happens going forward with Hightower still out and with Blount and McCourty and Easley all leaving the game with ouchies.

Here's the scary truth:  The Pats locked up a playoff spot.  Edelman and Hightower will both be back by the playoffs.  The Pats have two home games left and a trip to South Beach to play the Fighting Campbells one last time.  The one seed is certainly in hand.  Let's see if they can hold it.

But back to last night - if the Pats are known for anything (aside from the GOAT and the HOOD), it's that they will take away your best so that you have to beat them with your second best.  Broken hand or not, JJ Watt was double teamed more than Debbie from Dallas - he only hit Brady once and that was a late hit penalty on Brady's first touchdown pass.  He was chipped, stuffed and neutralized all night.  Hell, even Danny DLDola gave the Big Commercial a hefty shove early.  Of course, Watt has taken shits bigger than Amendola, but it was still pretty funny.  So, because that was happening on one side, JaDeveon I Knocked A Guys Helmet Off Once Clowney was single teamed all night and he got himself two sacks.  And lost by 21 points.  

The most dangerous offensive weapon the Texans have is DeAndre Hopkins, who leads the NFL in receptions of 20 or more yards.  Well, he had just three catches, with his only big play coming in the fourth quarter with the game already out of hand.  The scheme there was man coverage by Logan Ryan with safety help over the top while they put the Butlah on the second best guy, a dude named Nate.  Sure, Malcom was burned on a double move by Nate on a 3rd and 18 play in the first quarter.  But that was the guy's only catch all night.  

So the Texans could not even beat the Pats with their best, their second best or whatever else they had.  Have a look see at the Texans' drives in the second half:  14 yards, 6 yards, 6 yards, -4 yards, -11 yards, 46 yards, 1 yard.  And this game got flexed to the 8:30 time slot two weeks ago because the Texans were playing so well.  They still have fukkin' Brian Hoyer at QB fahchrissake.  Dude couldn't start in Cleveland.  But whatevs....

You know what else the Pats are known for?  Picking up a dude from the scrap heap who makes plays immediately.  Leonard Johnson borrowed Shane Vereen's old jersey and came outta nowhere to make two pretty big pass breakups.  If you were asking aloud "Who the fuk is that guy?", you were not alone.  Shit, he could be waived by Tuesday.  

It's a happy Monday once again in New England Town.  The puzzle is coming together after suffering through that shitshow against Chip Overrated last week.  And this morning, we do our "Playoffs Again" victory dance.  Cue the gawdam music!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Dems and Repubs: They Are All Assholes!

We have a hypocrisy alert!!  And it's coming from both sides of the aisle.   I know, if you woke up tomorrow with your head sewn to the carpet, you would not be more surprised than you are now.

Two sand surfers with AR-15s gunned down 14 Americans in California last week.  As expected, the Democrats jumped loudly on their gun control nonsense.  Immediately following the shooting, top donkey jockey Dianne Feinstein submitted an amendment to the Obamacare Repeal Bill (not that those two are fahkin' related, but whatevs!) that would allow the Attorney General to prohibit the sale or transfer of firearms to suspected or known terrorists.  Republicans in the Senate rejected that amendment.  Their reasons:  due process.

I'm not sure I am on board with allowing due process to even "suspected" terrorists, but the language in the amendment (YES I READ IT - YOU CAN TOO RIGHT HERE) gives the AG complete discretion, including "reasonable belief" and "appropriately suspected" to deny the sale of firearms.

So, the party that pushes mass deportation and Muslim databases is suddenly worried about due process.  You are killin' me guys!  Try some gawdam consistency please!  Stick with your deportation and databases and DON'T LET TERRORISTS BUY GUNS!

And then there's THIS bitch!
But of course, my biggest beef is with the fahkin' Jackass Party that does not even wait until the bodies are identified before they try to squeeze gun control legislation into a bill about fahkin' OBAMACARE!!  And then Shrillary runs to the teleprompter hours later to call shame to the Republicans for voting down the proposal!
“Last night, the Senate voted down a law to block suspected terrorists from buying guns. We have thousands of people on a no-fly list. They get put on there based on credible information and suspicion that they should not be put on a plane inside our country or coming into our country,” Clinton said at a campaign event in Sioux Falls, Iowa. “I got to tell you -- if you’re too dangerous to fly in America, you are too dangerous to buy a gun in America.”
That's funny, huh?  The party that denounces profiling, that is opening our doors to thousands of Syrian refugees, that releases terrorists from Gitmo and that gives amnesty to undocumented immigrants with violent criminal records is now all of a sudden concerned about dangerous people in America.  So when it comes to gun laws, it's okay to profile based on suspicion?

Hey Democrats, howzabout if you're too dangerous to fly in America and too dangerous to buy a gun in America, then we ship your fahkin' ass OUT of America?

As usual, NONE of this is about what's best for the country.  Both parties care so much about winning their political pissing contests that they are contradicting their normal behavior.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Doubling Down On Pussification Today

Ya know those faded blue Chuck Taylor's you have stuffed away in your closet behind your paisley luggage and a dusty exercise ball?  Well, don't you dare think about putting those babies on and walking into a California school.  That's because those canvas beauties with the red star on the outside ankle would be deemed "gang-related" in this nation of pussies in which we live.  You think I'm fukkin' with ya?  

A 12 year old honors student was sent home from school with a dress code violation for wearing this shirt:

Administrators tell us that the shirt is deemed "gang-related" because of the star in the upper left of the design.  They claim that because the star is associated with the Norteno gang, this shirt blurs the line between free speech and safety.  SAFETY???  Holy fukkin' shit!!  So, because some collection of northern California drug runners with a gang code have associated themselves with a star, honor students wearing stars on shirts bought at fukkin' Kohl's are sent home?  Good thing Converse sneakers and Starter jackets are out of style.   

Oh... and the other pussified bullshit that made the news this week, of course coming from MSNBC.  Melissa Harris-Perry has a Saturday show on MSNBC.  Obviously because Saturday is the wasteland of news shows, where talent-less hacks go to spew idiocy.  Harris-Perry was interviewing someone named Alfonso Aguilar about Paul Ryan.  Aguilar described Ryan as a "hard worker" in Washington.  Harris-Perry stopped Aquilar in his tracks to caution him about using the term "hard worker" so freely.  Because, according to this fukkin' crazy ass bitch, that term is offensive to slaves and working women.  HUH?   I got nothing else ... read the interview for yourself HERE.

Saturday, October 24, 2015


Arriba! Arriba! Andale! Andale!  Hurricane Patricia has made landfall in Mayheeco.  Hold on to yer sombreros, board up your pueblos and grab yer jumpin' beans!  She's a nasty beetch.

Mexican government officials are putting their emergency preparedness to the test this weekend.  Patricia is hammerin' 'em with 160 mph winds and Angry God type rains.  Residents are preparing for widespread damage, power outages and complete and total fukkery.  I sure hope they have protected their most important citizens... please keep the weather girls safe from harm!

How do you know she's NOT talking about the hurricane?

Shitz n' Giggles has created a gofundme page for the Weather Girl Hurricane Relief Fund.  We will use all proceeds to fly Mayta, Yanet, Keren and Sugey and all of their colleagues to the safe haven of the Granite State.  Just look at these faces.  I can almost hear Sara McLachlan, can't you?  How can you turn your back in their time of need?  For just $1.35 a day, you can fill my office with las meteorologistas!!  And save a life at the same time.

Yanet Garcia
Estefania Caballero
Keren Rios
Mary Gamarra
Mayta Carranco
Sugey Abrego
Susana Almeida

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Hillary's Pants Are Still On Fire!!!

You all remember Brian Williams, right?  The dude who was fired from his job as a news anchor because he made up some stories about crash landing in a Chinook chopper under enemy fire and some other fukkin' nonsense because he wanted to exaggerate his importance in this world.  Yeah, that dick.

But I wonder if you remember this story from the last time this fukkin' corrupt lying bag of douche drizzle ran for President.  During a campaign speech on foreign policy in 2008, trying to make a case that she somehow gained some foreign policy experience while her husband was banging interns at the office, Hillary shared this story of a visit to Bosnia in 1996:
"I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."  Clinton added that the feeling in the White House at the time of her visit was “if a place was too small, too poor, or too dangerous, the president couldn’t go, so send the First Lady.”
The day after telling this story, Hillary was asked again about that trip to Bosnia 12 years earlier.
"There was no greeting ceremony, and we were basically told to run to our cars.  Now, that is what happened."
But ya see, Hillary fans... that never happened.  Just like Whitewater, email servers and the fake concussion to avoid Benghazi, her pants are always on fukkin' fire!!  Oh, she landed in Bosnia for sure.  And she walked along the tarmac and was given a poem by a little girl.  Video footage confirms that.  So a week later, Hillary had to confess her sins.  And she actually tried to categorize her lying as evidence that she was a normal person.  She claimed that she "mis-spoke" and said she meant that she was told there COULD be a THREAT of sniper fire.
"So I made a mistake.  That happens.  It shows I'm human, which for some people is a revelation."
MADE A MISTAKE???  You don't make mistake about being under sniper fire.  You either dodged bullets or you didn't.  You did not misspeak!  YOU LIED!  Like Brian Williams lied.  Williams' lies made him unfit to be a news anchors. But Hillary's library of lies somehow makes her human and a good choice to lead our country!  Fukkin' unbelievable.

Remember when she was on the Today Show a week after 9/11 and told us all that Chelsea was jogging around the World Trade Center and ducked into a coffee shop just before the first plane hit, a move that saved her life?  Yeah, that didn't happen either.

And when she told us all that she and Billy were "dead broke" when they left the White House?

And that she only used one email server.

Oh yeah... and when she told us that the US Embassy in Libya was attacked in response to a "disgusting video on YouTube" when in fact she and her advisers had already been informed that a terrorist group had claimed responsibility for the attack.

Oh, she's a fukkin' beauty!  But you are all still gonna vote for her.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Oregon Shooter Targeted Christians. Hate Crime? Shhhhh!

Wait!  What?  But it was a Gun Free Zone!  
How could this be?

Stricter gun laws are needed, huh?  Umpqua Community College has its own rules on guns - they are prohibited on campus.  So how could this shooting have happened when federal law expressly prohibits murder and guns are not even ALLOWED on UCC campus?  What's that?  Bad guys break laws??  The fuck you say!!!

Word is that the shooter targeted Christians.  Will Obie and the media call this a hate crime?  Will he demand tolerance?  Oh, that's right.  Christians are on their own.  

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Come Get Papish With Me!!

Get yer Pope tickets here!!!  First come, first serve... come get Papish with us and you will not be sorry.  Get here early for a chance at standing directly behind the baricade and get a kinda up close view of the High Holy One.  That's right, pilgrims.  You too can be moved to tears by just a simple smile and a wave from Pope Frank.  PLUS...  A free Papal bobblehead to the first 600 Catholics to show up waving a Vatican City flag or a fist full of beads to catch a glimpse of the Mr. Hooper look-a-like.

Oh relax wafer-eaters... I'm just playing around with yer guilt ridden asses.  Lightning ain't gonna strike you down if you giggled a little bit at the "fist full of beads" comment.  This Pope is the friggin' balls!!  Seriously, he showed up in Congress and told those sunzobitches what's what!  He made Boehner cry.

All kidding aside - as you well know, I have no use for religion or any organization telling me how to get to heaven while asking me for money and unconditional loyalty.  BUT, there is something about this Pope that moves me.  I don't know what it is.  Oh, I ain't about to "pilgrimage" to a one car parade to catch a wave from a guy in a white bathrobe.  But I will watch this guy and the effect he has on his flock all day long.  I don't know if it's as simple as a study in human behavior or if it's more than that.

And it's not about just "being the Pope" either.  Because the last Pope was a douche bag.  Benedict and his gold laced beanie and creepy whatayadoing stare were not good for the church.  That dude connected with NOBODY!  He never came to the States, because we were probably beneath His Holiness and he didn't want to get any America on his $1,000 shoes.

But Pope Frank.... call me a fan!!!  I like him.


Let's Try Being Nice For A Day

We interrupt your regularly scheduled trip down Immaturity Lane to bring you a dose of class, dignity and respect.....  this is a test.  This is only a test.

I kinda like this Pope.  But why are his fans called pilgrims and not groupies?  Or Popies?   Or Poopies.   (oops, there I go again).  And why does he get to wear white after Labor Day?

Bye for now.

In the event of actual maturity and good taste, this will be followed by instructions on how to be a total bore in life.


Monday, September 21, 2015

Dear New Hampshire: SMAHTEN THE FUKKUP!!

To My Fellow Live Free or Diers (and Tom Brady),

ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FUKKIN' MINDS?  Jeezus Harold Christ - Would ya vote for Momma June because she's not a "typical politician" either?  Thanks to many of you, the Donald has been leading the polls in our state for months.  And when asked, your standard answer is because "he says the things I have wanted to say."  Yeah, no shit.  That's why YOU are not running for President.  Because you and I like saying shit that insults, offends and inflames!  We do it for effect.  But would you want the writer of this blog to be running the fukkin' country?

This loud mouthed asshole is nothing but a sophomoric WWE character who HAS NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE to offer.  And you have him leading the polls.  Because he's loud and different.  We all agree that typical politicians on both sides of the aisle are only concerned about gaining control and staying in control.  But do you want Donald the Insulting Douche to be the face of our nation?  He's disrespectful, vulgar and stupid.

Aside from Trump, there are two other atypical politicians on the Republican side who are worth a strong look!  Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina.  Both of whom, by the way, will FUCK with the liberals' minds.  A black man and a woman.   And it appears now that Carly is moving up in the polls.

Politics aside, we also need our President to be dignified and of strong moral character.  You cannot have it both ways.  You cannot shout from the mountaintops about how Slick Willie embarrassed the office by getting his adulterous dick smoked in the Oval Office, and then place yourself in Trump's camp alongside his obnoxious insults and fuk 'em all attitude.

Just because you agree with his alleged ideas on economics and defense and foreign policy, that does not mean he will be a good President.  You might as well call me a viable candidate using that logic.

Here's the simple truth, dummies:  If Trump is the Republican nominee, I, along with many many other red card carrying loyalists, will be forced to vote for whatever asshole the Democrats have put up against him.  Frighteningly, that would include Hillary.  You know how much my ass hurt typing that???   But I would rather have a typical politician with bad policies who puts on a good face than this maniac from Atlantic City.  That's why we have checks and balances!!

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Tell Me How THIS Looks Like A Clock!!

At first blush, it sounds ridiculous, right?  A 14 year old Texas kid built his own clock at home.  He brought it in to school this Monday to impress his teacher, who immediately thought the clock could be a bomb and called the police.  Police arrested the young wizard and school officials suspended him for three days.  Social media has blown the fuk up (excuse the poor choice of words) with support for the kid and anger at the overreaction to his cute little home project, that LOOKED LIKE A FUKKIN BOMB!

After questioning the boy, police dismissed the case.  The suspension still stands but 14 year old Ahmed Mohamed is a celebrity.  He wears NASA tshirts and says his dream is to attend MIT.  In other words, he's wikkid smaht!!  He has been invited by Mark Zuckerberg to tour Facebook headquarters.  And President Obama has invited the young Muslim to the White House.

Yep, you read that correctly... it took Obie two days to reach out to Ahmed and invite him to the White House.  Still waiting on this asshole to invite the family members of executed police officers to the White House.  The divisiveness continues from this administration, yet the President is just looking at us and laughing because there is NOTHING we can do about it.

By the way, have you SEEN young Ahmed's "clock"?   You tell me...

How does THIS even resemble a clock?  If a white teen walked into a classroom with a homemade pencil sharpener that was in the shape of a fukkin' bazooka, would that be a good idea?  Would that kid be considered a "brilliant young mind?"  Would that kid be glad handing with the President?  No, because that would be just as fukkin' stupid as what Ahmed did here.  

There are two possibilities here:  The kid is as smart as everyone here alleges, which means he intentionally made his clock to look like a bomb and knew how the teacher would react.  Or the kid is so gawdam stupid that he thinks this is a clock.  If I duct tape a digital alarm clock to a fukkin' milk jug, that ain't a homemade clock.  I'm sorry people... but the school officials followed policy.  And straying from policy just because the President chimed in or because the kid wears a NASA shirt would be bad precedent.  

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

ESPN vs. The Patriots: Becoming Shameful and Embarrassing!

Maybe it's all because Bill Belichick looked Tom Jackson in the eye and said "Fuck you" on the field after the Pats 2004 Super Bowl win over the Panthers, their 3rd in 4 years.  I mean, the hatred of the Patriots by ESPN MUST have a genesis, right?  There MUST be something... the inaccuracy of Chris Mortensen and the network's refusal to acknowledge that the four letter network played an active and undeniable role in propagating the DeflateGate story only perpetuated the belief that the dillweeds in Bristol have a stick up their asses over the Patriots.  So maybe it was that moment when Hoodie refused to bow down to a has-been linebacker and his all powerful network that put the rest of the ESPNers on the warpath against the Patsies.

If you don't know that story, pull up a stool and have a listen.

At the beginning of 2003 season, Hoodie cut Lawyer Milloy 5 days before the season opener against Buffalo.  Milloy signed with the Bills the next day and helped Buffalo flat out destroy the Pats, 31-0.  Tom Jackson went on the air after that game and announced to the world that the Patriot players "hate their coach."  Kinda like Dilfer and Young telling us last year that Brady hated the ownership.

Jackson's words: "Let me say this very clearly.  They hate their coach and their season could be over."  After one game, the season was over, according to some washed up pile of vomit who later admitted that he never really talked to any Patriot players before proclaiming hatred on their behalf.  Of course, Tommy Jackoff was wrong.  So wrong.  The Patriots and their "hated" coach responded like they always respond when someone from the outside challenges their integrity.  They stomped mudholes in every team in their path.  They lost just one more game that year and beat the Panthers in the Super Bowl.  Because of Jackson's lies on the air, Belichick would not talk to ESPN that season.  But after the game, Jackson was on the field on the ESPN set with Berman and offered a congratulatory hand to Belichick.  Hoodie had just two words and no handshake for Jackson.  Fuck You.

That is all it took for ESPN to put Hoodie and the Pats in their dog house.  Belichick had the unmitigated gall to refuse ESPN interviews for an entire season.  ESPN's answer:  Just keep making up shit and manufacturing controversy.  Good for ratings, Pats be damned.

The inefficiencies and incompetency of the NFL and its legal team was on full display the last few weeks in Judge Berman's court room.  The NFL suffered an embarrassing defeat.  But today, I think ESPN is embarrassing themselves even more by drudging up Spygate once again.  Ya see, the Bristol Dinks had their hopes pinned to Goodell winning in court.  But Brady and the Pats won again.

So now, they are continuing their crusade by "reporting" that Spygate was much worse than what has been reported.  8 fukkin' years ago.  The crux of the story:  Goodell was extra hard on the Patriots this time because he helped conceal video tape evidence and was not hard enough 8 years ago.  A make up call.  Sure, that makes sense.  Assholes.

In 2007, the Patriots were caught filming Jets coaches hand signals from the sidelines during the opening game of the season.  Mind you, it was not the videotaping of the coaches that was illegal.  A team was allowed to do that from the press box and other approved locations in the stadiums.  You just could not do it from the sidelines.  So they broke the rules.  Belichick admitted to the infraction.  They were fined a first round draft pick and $750 thousand dollars.  Seems fairly hefty, but the league had sent a memo to all teams before that season warning them that they cannot tape from the sidelines.  So the Pats had to suck it up and accept their punishment.  Along with this new moniker of "CHEATERS."

Mind you, many teams were doing the same thing before that season.  Which is why the league sent the memo.  Today's ESPN report claims that the Pats recorded coaches signals as many as 40 games before that season.  I don't doubt that.  Because it seems EVERY team was doing it.  AND BECAUSE BELICHICK ACKNOWLEDGED THAT FACT at the end of the 2007 season.. that they had taped "significant number of games."  So this is not really news.  After the memo was sent out, the Pats did it one more time, got caught, and served the punishment.  Today's story talks about the Pats having diagrams of Steelers defensive signals.  Um... that's not cheating.  If you cannot change your signals or if they are that easy to decode, then it's you who sucks.  Sorry.

Hell... the Patriots win because they work harder, prepare more and flat out do it better.  Ask Reggie Wayne.  That do-nothing stat padder wanted no part of playing in New England, which is why he asked to be released.  He said playing for the Patriots was "too tough" and "not fun."  And THAT'S why you suck, good sir.  Because you don't try hard enough.

ESPN just shamelessly reports shit that does not fukkin' exist.  A few weeks ago, ESPN allowed TWO of their on-air personalities to unequivocally report that the Patriots were found to have video taped a Rams walk-through practice prior to the 2001 Super Bowl.  Ignoring the fact that the Boston Herald story that originally reported that story in 2007 was retracted and proven to be false.  When called on it, ESPN issued a midnight apology for misrepresenting the story.

But whattaya know... IN TODAY'S report on, those assholes just keep on keepin' on.  Unbelievably, they reference that untrue story once again.  From the story:

A former member of the NFL competition committee says the committee spent much of 2001-06 "discussing ways in which the Patriots cheated," even if nothing could be proved. It reached a level of paranoia in which conspiracy theories ran wild and nothing -- the notion of bugging locker rooms or of Brady having a second frequency in his helmet to help decipher the defense -- was out of the realm of possibility. There were regular rumors that the Patriots had taped the Rams' walk-through practice before Super Bowl XXXVI in February 2002, one of the greatest upsets in NFL history, a game won by the Patriots 20-17 on a last-second Adam Vinatieri field goal. 

They admit that nothing could be proved, yet also rely on "regular rumors" to make their story.  No fukkin' shame!!!  They ADMITTED TWO FUKKIN WEEKS AGO THAT THERE WAS NO TRUTH TO THE STORY OF TAPING THE RAMS PRACTICE!  Yet, they just throw that nugget into their story because it furthers their agenda.

The story quotes a "source close to the Panthers" regarding the 2004 Super Bowl.

"Our players came in after that first half and said it was like [the Patriots] were in our huddle," a Panthers source says.  "Do I have any tape to prove they cheated?" this source says. "No. But I'm convinced they did it."

Oh, I didn't know you were CONVINCED.  That's different!!  Gawdam cheaters.

Just to remind everyone what happens around here....  In 2003, Tom Jackson told the world the Pats hated their coach.  Pats lost just one game after that and won the Super Bowl.  In 2007, The Jets, Rams and others claim the Pats are cheaters.  The Pats won 18 straight games and were just a velcro sticker on a helmet away from another championship.   In 2014, Steve Young and Trent Dilfer told the world that Tom Brady was in decline and that he was angry with the front office.  Pats went 13-2 after that and won another Super Bowl.

So keep it up ESPN!  We can just build more trophy cases.  Assholes!  You just keep paying guys like Ray Lewis and Cris Carter while shouting about integrity.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Brady Ruling Vacated! ESPN To Appeal?

To the Gingah Hammah...  how you like the feel of balls bouncin' off your chin, Douchey McDouchebag?

First.... let's cue the Victory Dance!!!

Rodjah got slapped silly today by the good judge from NYC.  Not necessarily because TMFB is innocent (I insist that he is, by the way).  But because Goodell is a power-delusional fuck knob who thinks he can just wield supreme executive power because some watery tart threw a sword at him (thanks Dennis, Monty Python and the Holy Grail - you didn't bother to ask, did you?).

In case you missed it, the world is round, Kanye's a prick and TMFB is playing next week.  That's because Judgey Wudgey Dick Berman did not think much of the NFL's ahem "independent" investigation and ensuing arbitration circle jerk.  That's also because, as John Harbaugh can attest, Brady and the Pats know the rule book better than ANYONE.  And they don't have to tell you what they know until they have used that knowledge to pummel you into submission.

It was not eligible receiver formations this time.  It was understanding the term "fundamental fairness" as it applies in federal statutes to judicial analysis of arbiter findings.  Much like the Ravens had no fukkin' clue who to cover and why back in January, NFL attorneys and their carrot topped leader were completely blindsided by "fundamental fairness."   And Judge Berman beat 'em over the head with the Terrell Suggs Ugly Stick for being such morons.

Editah-in-Cheef with today's decision from the Most Honorable Richard Berman
I read the 40 page decision so you won't have to.  Unless of course you want ten minutes of alone time with some amazing sports porn.  Then go find it and read it.  But let me give you the crib notes:
Tom Brady's suspension is vacated effective immediately.  Roger Goodell and his attorneys are fence-post stupid.  The Clerk is respectfully requested to close cases 15 Civ. 5916 and 15 Civ. 5982.
The judge took a shit on the appeal hearing for three reasons:  1) Inadequate notice to Brady of both his potential discipline and his alleged misconduct (He was never told he could be suspended for failing to cooperate); 2) Denial of opportunity for Brady to question a lead investigator (He was not allowed to call Dan Pash during the appeal); and 3) Denial of equal access to files, notes and witnesses during the appeal.  So basically, Goodell, Wells, Pash et al set out to corn hole Brady with a splintered stick, fundamental fairness be damned!!

The beauty of this is that the NFL was the fukkin' PLAINTIFF in this case.  That's because they were so afraid of the NFLPA filing an appeal in Minnesota that they ran their little asses up the street to Judge Berman's court and filed their complaint first.  You read that right... after "winning" the appeal, Goodell filed a complaint with the courts, just so that he could control where the case would be heard.  Dumb fuck!!

Goodell has a bigger sense of invincibility than the friggin' Clintons.  Word is out that he is appealing.  Unbelievable.  Maybe someone should have educated Dirty Red in the basic unavoidable rules of life:  death, taxes, Lindsay Lohan relapses and TOM BRADY DOES NOT LOSE!!!!   Well, unless you have velcro on your helmet.

To my knowledge, there is no truth to the rumor that immediately upon hearing the decision, ESPN announced that they would appeal the decision to the highest courts.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

A Month After Approving Drilling In Alaska, He Does This

July 21, 2015:  President B. Hussein Obama approves Royal Dutch Shell's permit to begin drilling for oil off Alaska's Arctic coast.

August 31, 2015:  President B. Hussein Obama jumps on Air Force One and flies 3,365 miles to Alaska, spewing jet fuel and greenhouse gases all the way, to talk about climate change.

September 1, 2015:  President B. Hussein Obama whips on his coolest north country jacket and shades to tell Alaskans that climate change is really REALLY worrisome.  Then he poses for some photos with scenery and park rangers.  Yahoo headline reports "In Climate Bid, Obama Stares Down Melting Glacier" as if he's at a fukkin' heavyweight weigh-in before the big fight.

At some point this week, B. Hussein is gonna rename Mount McKinley to Denali.  He might even rub noses with an eskimo or mush a husky from a sled.  And then he's gonna fly another 3,365 miles on Air Force One back to DC to plan his Labor Day trip to the Vineyard.  Way too fukkin' busy to comment on the execution of police officers.

Friday, August 28, 2015

The Hypocrisy Of A President

Per his usual shamelessness, B. Hussein Obama has once again used tragedy to push forth his political agenda.  This time, after a reporter and photographer were gunned down by a disgruntled, mentally ill gay black man on live television, Prez Barry jumped on television and said, "What we know is that the number of people who die from gun-related incidents around this country dwarfs any deaths that happen through terrorism."

What the fuk does terrorism have to do with this murder?  Why is it even being raised except as a way to tell Americans that terrorism is not really that big a deal.  This guy will take any chance he can to minimize terrorism, to the point that many wonder what side he is on.  From setting terrorists free from Gitmo to trying to hide the terrorism cause of Benghazi to now this, it certainly seems to me like he is rooting for terrorism.  But that's an argument for a different day.

BHO has decided to seize the deaths of two young Americans to advocate for gun control while saying fukkin' NOTHING about mental health care issues that continue to plague this country.  Because, you know, mental health care - ain't nobody got time for that.  Understand this... we will NEVER stop a madman from getting his hands on a gun.

So I'm curious... where was Obama's push for gun control when 32 year old Katie Steinle was shot in the back by an illegal immigrant in San Francisco on July 1?  It was non-existent...  in fact, he said NOTHING about gun control or anything else after that well-publicized incident.  Obama did not make one of his patented emotional speeches following Katie Steinle's murder, like he did after the Charleston church shooting, Tayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Freddie Gray.  There was no call for justice.  No soul searching.  No "Katie could have been my daughter."  He was fukkin' silent!!

Oh, he DID send a "White House official" out to the podium to discuss the San Fran shooting.  But it had nothing to do with Kathleen Steinle.  Instead, the spokesman used the incident to blame Republicans in Congress for their stall tactics on immigration reform.

Let's step back and take a breath.  Read that again so you can get it straight... the shooter in San Fran had been deported 5 times.  He had 7 felony convictions and was on parole in Texas at the time of the shooting.  He was released from his deportation case and ran to San Francisco because, as an administration supported sanctuary city for ILLEGAL immigrants, he could stay there without worry of being deported.  And ACCORDING TO THE PRESIDENT, this is somehow the fault of Republicans in Congress.

Here's another little fact that NOBODY talks about.  Between 2010 and 2014, this administration  released from ICE custody 121 CRIMINAL aliens who had active deportation cases at the time of their release and went on to subsequently be charged with murder.  I'll do the math for you.. THAT IS ONE MURDER CASE EVERY TWELVE DAYS INVOLVING A PERSON WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEPORTED!!!  So, of course, Obama stayed silent.  His agenda could only be hurt by keeping this shooting in the news.  (directly from a 2015 letter from ICE Director Sarah Saldana to Congress.  Page 5 - Question #8)

If you are keeping score, when a mentally ill gay black man murders two white people, it's the gun's fault.  And when an illegal immigrant convicted felon murders a white woman, it's the Republicans' fault.  And when a white cop kills a black man, it's racism's fault.  Rest assured, had the gunman in San Francisco been a white American and the victim a 32 year old black female, Obama would NOT have been so silent.  His hypocrisy should surprise NOBODY!!!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Georgia High School Flips Off Political Correctness!!

You know me.  I have no loyalty to any church or religion.  Don't give me rules and then ask for my money.  We get enough of that shit from Congress.  And the existence of a big giant invisible creator up there sitting on a puffy cloud throne with open arms and a forgiving heart who looks like George Burns in birkenstocks is not something about which I can be sure.  But I do know that his name is on my money and that he keeps me safe during sneezes.

But my short and curlies got all twisted this morning when I read about the latest government approved assault on Christianity, under the faux (N'awlens speak for BULLSHIT) blanket of "separation of church and state."  In the same country that protects the freedoms of Muslims and Buddhists and snake charmers, Christians are continuously being forced to keep their shit to themselves.

Member of West Lauren High School Marching Band
In Georgia, the West Laurens High School football team and marching band have always paired faith with their Friday night games with a tradition of one person offering a pre-game prayer over the PA system, followed by the band performance of How Great Thou Art before the national anthem.

Well, that pissed off some hummus eater who filed a complaint with the Washington D.C. based Americans United for Separation of Church and State.  I'll get to these assholes in a minute.  So, of course, AU fired off a letter to the school district, claiming that the opening prayer followed by a religious hymn was "plainly unconstitutional."  The letter also stated, "The presentation of prayers at school sporting events violates the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution."

The school board in West Laurens pussied up and this year has replaced the opening prayer with a moment of silence.  Fukkin' cowards!

But the people of West Laurens had something else in mind.... a collective "STAY OUT OF OUR GOD BUSINESS" to the school board and to American United.  On Friday, the Raiders opened their 2015 season.  And instead of one person saying a prayer, the entire stadium recited The Lord's Prayer.  The band, not to be outdone and instead of How Great Thou Art, then played Amazing Grace!

Shove your hummus up your ass!!  
You can't tell us how we will pray or what we will sing.

Back to this idea of separation of church and state and the American United for Stomping Christianity.  First off, publicly offering prayers or playing religious songs is not "unconstitutional."  As a matter of fact, quite the opposite: banning someone or some group from practicing their religion is unconstitutional.

The term "separation of church and state" does not exist in the Constitution.  The Establishment Clause of the First Amendment to which AU jerks off actually reads, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

The term "separation of church and state" comes from a letter from Thomas Jefferson in 1802 to the Danbury Baptist Association which was concerned that Anglicism was to become the official religion of the government.  The fukkin' AU even uses that letter as their header on their website, right above a link where one can "file a complaint."  Maybe these fukkers ought to actually READ the Constitution before using it as some kind of weapon against Christianity.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Freeing The Nipple At Hampton Beach On Sunday

On the seventh day, God rested.  A week's worth of creating shit makes an old dude tired, you know.  Well, this week, the seventh day ain't for resting.  That's cuz it's International Show Us Your Tits Day.  Yeah, I know the official name is World Topless Day and it is celebrated annually on whatever Sunday is closest to August 26th and is meant to empower women and end female censorship.  Blah blah blah... just drop your tops already!     

Oh, the paradox!  Stare or run the fuk away.
Excuse me maam, do you have to wear your bra backwards?
Hampton Beach will be the site of one such areola-palooza.  The Free The Nipple movement will be taking over the hot sands of New Hampshah's biggest beach on Sunday, which means you had better get there early, grab some Blink's Fry Doe and find a good seat for the Booby Parade!  Women's rights groups can talk about this being a protest for equality all they want.  But even guys who hate the beach are going to Hampton on Sunday and it ain't because they are all in on equality.  It's cuz they wanna see titties.  Sorry ladies.  It's how we're programmed.  I understand that there will be plenty of sand draggers and fried eggs left over from the ERA movement scaring little kids at the playground.  But even if there is a chance of one JLHish type rack, I'm there with fukkin' bells on!!  

As an event, I'm all in favor of topless protests.  But as a movement, fuk that shit.  Once the nipple has been freed and women are runnin' around all willy nilly with no tops on, the mystique of seeing the boob will be gone.  Listen... it's cuz women DON'T want everyone to see their girlie goods that makes them awesome.  But if they're all over the place, that fun is GONE.  And I like fun.  

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Ban Tobacco, But Keep Them Beer Sales Going!

Mayor Maahty says our ballparks are for creating healthy futures.  He said he is doing the right thing as a community for our young people.

Curt Schitting says he supports banning any kind of tobacco at Fenway Park.  He says "If this law stops just one child from starting, it's worth the price."

John Henry says he supports the ordinance to ban tobacco at his ballpark.  Ya know, cuz he doesn't want the young Sawx fans to have to watch some dude (or chick, I guess) dippin' on some snuff.  Don't want them picking up bad habits, ya know.  Cuz it's all about the children.

In case you missed it or in case you are in Pennsylvania calling for Tom Brady to be executed, the mayor of Boston has gotten together with Curt Schilling in a plan to propose an ordinance that will ban smokeless tobacco from Fenway Park and all other sports venues in the city of Boston.  Because they are worried about the children.  Note to Mayor Maahty...  doing business with Schilling is the same as taking a giant leap head first into a pile of elephant shit.  It's STOOPID!!!

So, here's a fukkin' question for you three assholes:   Um, what about the fukkin' NINE DOLLAR BEERS???  Oh, that's right.  Because beers make you a shit ton of money, it's okay for an 8 year old to dodge drunks while slurping a sundae from a mini-helmet.  It's perfectly okay for a couple of obnoxious BU bitches in pink Ellsbury shirts puke all over each other while Johnny is fixing his panda hat.  No worries there.... cuz beer makes us money.

Friday, July 31, 2015

I Have Your Bias Free Language Right Here!

Losing quite a bit of faith in my home state these days.  The Donald is leading fukkin' everyone in the polls.  The guvnah refuses to allow National Guard recruiters to arm themselves .  And now UNH is telling us that using the term "American" might be offensive or problematic because it does not take into account South America.

In 2013, UNH posted on their website something they called the "Guide to Bias-free Language."  Entangled within this politically douchey drivel is allegedly an effort to create an inclusive, diverse and equitable community.  Nary an eyebrow was raised back then... because NOBODY really reads university web sites.  But a story cropped up in a conservative publication about this guide, pissing off Granite Staters and prompting legislators to threaten with how much money they give the University.  So suddenly, two years later, the President of the University is announcing that he is offended by the guide and has ordered it taken down from the website, which really sucks because it was some fantastic reading.

The term American was described as problematic because it fails to recognize South America.  Well, we ain't trying to recognize South America.  They are free to recognize themselves all they want.  Also gone should be the terms "senior citizens" or "elderly" and in their place we should say "people of advanced age."  FUK THAT!!

Other bias-free language according to this guide:  "People of size" instead of overweight.  "Person of material wealth" instead of rich.  And the best one... instead of saying "poor" we should say "person who lacks advantages that others have."

Since we are being bias-free, I have some other suggestions.  You knew I would.

Instead of "asshole" we should be saying "person who lacks the ability to refrain from being an asshole."

Instead of "busty" we should use the term "woman of mammary wealth" and instead of "flat" we should be saying "woman who lacks advantages that others have" or "woman with the tits of Ellen DeGeneres"

"Young" should be "person who doesn't have to fukkin' work for a living"

And stop calling a person "smart"   Instead, call them "persons not as dumb as me."

Hope this has been as helpful for you as it has been for me.  So quit fukkin' offending people, needledicks!  Have a great Friday!  And remember...  these are women of physical fitness.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Oh Nice. NOW B. Hussein Lowers The Flag.

Yunz prolly think the official animal of Wednesday, aka Hump Day, is the camel.
But you be wrong.
You can tell one of these manly beasts by its striking resemblance to Wilt Chamberlain.

Just a quick hump dump this morning because I know how important transparency is to President B. Hussein Obama.  I define transparency as being able to see through shit.  Ya know, like when the President lowers the flag at the White House to honor 5 military men a gawdam WEEK after four Marines and one sailor were shot and killed by a terrorist in Tennessee.  Transparency is when it is fukkin' clear the Commander in Chief only did so after the internet blew up criticizing him for not doing so IMMEDIATELY!   Hey Purple Lips... you lit up the White House in a rainbow hours after the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage.  So where was this order 5 days ago?  Oh that's right....  you only ordered the flags down after Boehner did so at the Capitol.  Everything is a fukkin' political race.

Obama has ordered the White House flag lowered before...  after the Fort Hood shooting, the Colorado theater shooting, and the shootings in Tuscon, Newtown, CT, Oak Creek, WS and the Washington Navy Yard.  He also lowered the flag after the deaths of American icons like Teddy Chappaquiddik, Neil Armstrong and Dorothy Height.  He never ordered the flag lowered after the second Fort Hood shooting in 2014 where three servicemen were killed.  Ya wanna common thread...   of the mass shootings after which he has lowered the White House flag, only once (2009 Fort Hood) did it involve the death of American servicemen.  The victims of the Washington Navy Yard massacre were all civilian contractors.

I'm not sure if the President gives a shit about our military or not.  But the optics of it all sure sends a transparent message.  B. Hussein Odouchebag!

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Trending On Thursday: Why The Nuke Deal Is Embarassing!

Today on Facebook, many of us are seeing this meme worming its way amongst Democrats -

Ya know, because complaining about something that happened THIRTY FUKKIN YEARS AGO is what we do.  Although I still have not gotten over the Bay of Pigs OR the Louisiana Purchase.  Fukkin' idiots cannot even get their facts straight.  Reagan did not give weapons to Iran.  He SOLD weapons to Israel.  Point being, if yah wanna bitch, bitch correctly!!!

The nuke deal signed with Iran this week may or may not turn out to be a turning point for relations with the country that wants the United States wiped off the face of this planet.  Where you fall on this deal depends completely on the color of your ballot, unless you actually do the research.  I started reading the 159 page agreement last night.  I gave up reading every word by page 8 when terms like ceterfuges and heavy water baffled the fuk out of me.  I gave up skimming paragraphs by page 19 where it went into the implementation plan.  Feel free to read it yourself, if you so wish.  (FULL TEXT OF AGREEMENT).  But I'm gonna give you the Cliff's Notes version.

Iran makes a promise to six countries (China, Russia, France, Germany, United Kingdom and United States) that they will be good and not make nuclear weapons for 15 years.  In exchange, the UN sanctions with Iran will be lifted and $100 BILLION in frozen assets will be released to Iran.  And John Kerry gets to pose for a group picture.

In other words, we give Iran everything they want (enough money and resources to build and then hide nuclear weapons in Syria, for example) and they promise to stick by an agreement THEY SIGNED IN 1968!!!  Yeah, remember back in 1968 when Iran signed the Treaty on Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons, promising not to make nuclear weapons?  How'd that one work out??

But just like that, with the swoop of the pen by the Messiah of Diplomacy, Iran has become a trustworthy nation and Kerry gets his group photo.  Iranians celebrated in the streets of Tehran like their team just intercepted the ball at the end of the Super Bowl.  Meanwhile, in the other 6 countries, the celebrations were..... well...... um...... limited to an 8 am pat on the back at the White House.  Datz it!!  Why do we suppose the Iranians are so happy???  Any ideas?   My money is on Iran breaking the deal before the Pats break training camp.

This tweet from the President of Iran moments after Obama addressed his nation with his cuh cuh about diplomatic success ought to tell you why this deal is fukkin' nonsense.

It's almost embarrassing that this deal actually happened.  But, on the selfish side, they are saying gas prices will drop significantly with the signing of the deal.  So, hooray for Secretary Long Face and his boss.  Sorry, Israel... Iran is gonna blow your ass up in 15 years.  But we are gonna see $2/gallon at the pump and Obama gets to add a new exhibit to his Presidential Library.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Democrat Math: You're Doing It Wrong!!

How ah you at math?  Here's a word problem to see how fahkin' well you know your pluses and minuses and goesintas!

Sally Struthers weighs 220 pounds in November.  In December, she stuffs her gullet with fruitcakes, popcorn balls and ham sandwiches and balloons to 450 pounds by Christmas.  On New Year's Day, she resolves to lose weight and by April Fools Day, she is down to 230 pounds.  

Did she cut her weight in half?  Or did she add on 10 pounds?  The answer depends on what story you want to tell and what reference point you choose to use.  Does she deserve credit for dropping all that weight or blame for packing it on in the first place?

Too difficult, Oprah?  Let's make this even simpler.  You are given a basket containing 5 apples.  You add 10 apples to the basket, but then you take out 9 apples.  How many apples do you have left?  More or less than when you started?  Here's a hint:  YOU HAVE MORE APPLES THAN WHEN YOU STARTED, DUMMY!!!
Kinda works like ipecac...  Even Slick Willie can sniff the bullshit here.

This picture of Slick Willie the Cigar Man and Obie is making its way around Facebook with a descriptor reading "The only two Presidents to reduce the deficit in the last 50 years."  And I nearly lost my shit!

When Obama took office in January 2009, the deficit stood at $458 billion.  Thanks to his bailout stimulus package, the deficit nearly tripled to $1.4 TRILLION in just his first year in office!!  Since that time, the deficit has steadily decreased, due to a strengthening economy and a draw-down of several economic stimulus programs.  It has decreased to a number that is STILL HIGHER than the deficit under George W. Bush.

So Obie and his lemmings are happy to brag about the deficit reduction without including the vital fact that he was the one who increased it in the first place.  The deficit during Dubbaya's final year in office was $458 billion.  The deficit at the end of Obama's 6th term was $486 billion.

This reminds me of a Biggest Loser contest in my office a few years ago.  One dude spent three weeks eating like a cow, gaining several pounds before the contest.  On the morning of the first weigh-in, he drank a gallon of water.  Then he stepped on the scale to record his "starting weight" for the contest.  He promptly went to the head and took a piss, dropping a couple of pounds immediately.  He went on to win the contest two months later because he had shed a greater percentage of his starting weight than the rest of them.  Ya see...  it all depends on your reference point.  

So, is the deficit smaller or larger than when Obama took office??   Come on math wizards!  YOU KNOW THE ANSWER!!!   Sally Struthers is heavier, you have more apples in your basket and Obama has increased the deficit.   Let's not even TALK about the national debt!!!   Until you are ready, that is.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

ESPN Goin' Nekkid Again

No bills or satellite TV offers or love letters from Shakira when I opened the mailbox yesterday.  Only a totally naked Kevin Love dribbling a basketball in the desert, apparently misunderstanding the whole "shirts vs skins" thing.  The Body issue has arrived.

Not sure how long ago ESPN The Magazine started taking pictures of athletes in their berfday suits.  Their web site says this is their seventh Body issue.  My memory only goes as far back as Gronk hiding his junk with Hulk hands.  I must say this: It's always a fascinating perusal, flipping through the images of muscled up, finely toned bodies while I sit on the couch with a box of Cheez-Its resting on my beer belly.  They call it The Body issue.  I call it the "I Got The Stones To Be Bollocky Bare-ass In Front Of A Photography Crew" issue.  These people aren't like half naked with g-strings or nipple stickers.  They are 100% au naturale.  And I've seen some of the behind the scenes videos of photo shoots.  Ya got your camera man (or woman).  Ya got your guys holding light stands or reflectors.  Your makeup people touching up the nether nethers.  Of course, there are agents and ESPN reps and probably Chris Berman hanging around making sure everything goes smoothly.

I got some takeaways from this year's issue.  And the first is Olympic gold medal winning gymnast Aly Raisman's glutes!  The curves on her physique could double for bubble wrap!  Hava nagila hubba hubba!!!

Check out her behind the scenes video;

The Body issue went heavy last year and got some acclaim when they showed the rotund Prince Fielder lookin' about 8 months preggers.  Well, they doubled up this year by giving us hammer thrower Amanda Bingson and three Colts linemen.  But I'm all in on Bingson!!  Amanda falls on the larger side of the typical female athlete, but she couldn't give a shit what you or any of us think.  She refers to her body type as "dense."  Read her interview on  Two quotes jump out at ya:  "I'll be honest.  I like everything about my body.  I fluctuate between 200 and 215.  But I embrace it.  I love myself." and "You may be prettier and skinnier than me.  But I'll kick your ass in a game of one on one."   I just love this lady!!!   She was kicked off her high school volleyball team because she could not fit into those ass huggin' shorts they wear.  Coach told her to lose 30 pounds.  So she just says fuk you to everyone, embraces herself and breaks some American records in the process!!  I wanna go drinkin' with Amanda!

And my third takeway from The Body is this photo!  By far the best picture in the issue.  Three huge dudes laughing and horsing around about being naked in front of the camera!  That's right bitches!  We are large and in charge and have no plans to wash these helmets before training camp!

The final takeaway from the 2015 The Body issue is that Tyler Seguin is a duck fucker!

A few more points of note:

In case you do not subscribe to ESPN The Magazine, here is a rundown of the athletes going nakey nakey for us this year, some of whom you have never heard their name.  But they all have absolutely no problem baring their downlows for all the crew to see.  Who follows archery anyway?

Bryce Harper - baseball
Odell Beckham Jr. - football 
Aly Raisman - gymnastics
Kevin Love - basketball
Brittney Griner - basketball
DeAndre Jordan - basketball
Tyler Seguin - hockey
Sadena Parks - golf
Anthony Castonzo, Todd Herremans, Jack Mewhort - football
Natalie Coughlin - swimming
Leticia Bufoni - skateboarding
Ali Krieger - soccer
Stan Wawrinka - tennis
Gabrielle Reece - volleyball
Amanda Bingson - track and field
Dallas Friday - wakeboarding (that's a sport)
Todd Clever - rugby
Page Selenski - field hockey
Khatuna Lorig

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Minnesota Has Flag Problems Too.

Ta hell with the Confederate Flag.  Minnesota's flag is way the fuk more racist.  According to some liberally wrapped professor at the University of Wisconsin - LaCrosse (Judith Harrington is her name), the image of a white farmer working the land while a Native American is hunting on horseback depicts "conquest and genocide."  Oh fukkin' yeah!  This Judy bitch is serious too....

She looks at the image above and sees a pioneer who is a "peaceful man who has laid down his gun and is plowing his field" and the "Indian, who may still want to fight (his spear is at the ready) but who seems to be riding away."   What is it?  Does he want to fight or ride away?  Or does he want to find himself something to eat?

Sorry, bitch.  But exactly WHERE is the pioneer's gun that you say he laid down?  And methinkum you be racist when you sayum Indian must want to fight because he has a spear.  What the fuk kind of stereotypical generalization are you making, teacher bitch?  Ya know Native Americans used spears to hunt, right?  But you automatically assume Chief Galloping Horse wants to scalpum him some paleface.  YOU TWAT!  

I guess she would only be happy if Minnesota changes their state flag to this:

But this flag above might offend white circles, yellow stars and red fonts.  So I propose this for Minnesota's next flag.  Smurfs are imaginary characters, so this won't piss 'em off.

Let's not even start with the Massachusetts flag and the angry Native American with feathers in his hair and a bow and arrows at the ready.   Oh boy......   Elizabeth Warren is gonna lose her shit!!!