Monday, December 28, 2015

So They Opted To Kick. Time To Let It Go People.


Now that the 24 hour cool down period has elapsed, time to unwad your knickers, suck up your buttercup and settle the fuk down Patriot nation.  Matthew Slater was not a victim of "muscle memory" like that idiot Fouts wondered aloud (How in hell do these idiots ever get hired?).  Quit breaking down the transcript of the coin toss discussion between the ref and the Pats.  Belichick wanted to kick.  That's it.  I'd rather they didn't, but they did.  And in case you're not paying very close attention, I am not the greatest coach to pull on a hoodie.  And neither are you.

Are you even aware that the Pats defense held the J E T S to just 33 yards in the fourth quarter, including a big stop on the Jets final possession when they were 15 yards from field goal range? Before the last Pats drive when they were stopped on third down twice but converted fourth down plays, the Pats offense had gained just 21 yards.  The Pats were ONE FOR TEN on third down during this game, including 1 for 5 in the fourth quarter.  Yes, the Pats had a 66 yard drive to tie the game... BUT THEY NEEDED those fourth down plays to do it.  If that were overtime, they punt.

Coach Four Rings felt that the team's best chances were in the hands of the defense making a stop before turning the ball back into the hands and foot of the greatest quarterback and kicker on the planet.  It was a field position game all day.  And had Teyvon Wilson, the 5th string safety on the depth chart, defended a fukkin' diagonal route properly (Football 101 according to Tedy Bruschi), they may have made that stop.  But nope.  The Jets won.  Big deal.

All that being said... I still wish they had given Brady a chance first before asking their defense to make a stop.  But in the grand scheme of things, the Jets continue to do things without Rex Ryan that they could never do with him.  And that makes me very very happy.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Uh Oh... Ebeneezah Is Driving The Blog Today

The boss is taking today off so that he can partake in his annual Christmas Eve tradition of hittin' the mall with the rest of the fahkin' morons who waited till the last fahkin' minute and are now stuck with another basket of lotions and soaps from Bath and Body Works and a foot massager from Brookstone.  Oh, don't worry.  Podunk's tradition ain't shoppin'.  Every year, he grabs a big ass pretzel from Auntie Anne's, loads that bitch up with mustard and stands outside Victoria's Secret looking through the window until someone calls the mall cops.  He is trying to beat his personal record of 1 hour 12 minutes.

In the meantime, back at the outhouse suites of Shitz n' Giggles, Mr. Pist has left me, Ebeneezah Fizzywig McGrinchypants, in charge of the blog today.  So I'm gonna tell you all the shit that sucks about Christmas.

First things first... the Yankee Swap!  What the fuk is with that bullshit?  Grown ass adults fighting over decorative candle burners, fuzzy blankets and Chia pets.  Not to mention that one pain in the ass who thinks the price limit means anything UP to that limit is fine.  So while you throw in a couple of scratch tickets to reach the $20 limit, this asshole brings a $5 ice scraper.  Why don't we just scrap the Yankee Swap, go out and spend 20 bucks on ourselves and everyone will leave happy.

Next, the Elf on a fukkin' Shelf.


It's cruel enough to strike the fear of Santa into the hearts of children with the naughty and nice lists.  Now, we put a fukkin' Santa Spy in our houses, watching the kids?  Oh, and we tell the kids that they are NOT to touch the Elf or he will lose his Christmas magic.  And if they do touch the elf, they gotta write a fukkin' apology letter to Santa and pray the North Pole doctors can fix him up.  This is directly from the official Elf website:
Christmas magic is very fragile, and if scout elves are touched they may lose their magic. If your scout elf has been touched, you can apologize by writing a letter to Santa, or saying you’re sorry to your elf. Then, please sprinkle a little cinnamon beside him or her before you go to bed; cinnamon is like vitamins for scout elves, and it helps them get back to the North Pole. Once they arrive, the North Pole doctors will check them out.
That's right Billy.  You touch Sprinkles or Herbie or Tinsel or whatever other stupid fukkin' name you gave him, you are in deep shit with Santa!!  

If you want to get a better picture of how fukkin' evil this idea is, just read the story about the poor 7 year old girl from New Jersey who knocked her elf to the floor.  She called 911 in a panic, scared to death that she ruined Christmas!  (READ AND LISTEN TO 911 CALL HERE).   It ain't cute, assholes!  It's mean.  Flush your elves and cut the shit.

A few other things about Christmas that sucks big reindeer balls:
-  THE TRAFFIC: Does EVERYBODY have to go to the same mall at the same time?  Ever hear of Amazon Prime, you dinks?
-  The Facebook Christmas Card:  Jeezus H.!  Stamps are not that expensive!!  Send a gawdam card, you lazy pricks!
-  The Ugly Sweater Party:  Um, it ain't cute anymore.  A giant Santa face on a red sweater is so yesterday!  Let's do something new and uglier - have a Take Your Sweater Off Party!  Man boobs and boloney tits dipping into the punch bowl makes for way better conversation and more interesting dance moves.
-  Rudolph Noses On Cars:  Every time I see a big red nose on a grill or antlers sticking out of the window, I wanna run them off the road.  You're not a reindeer!  You're a Christmas Douche!

That's about all I got, ya bunch of pricks!  Merry Christmas and go fuk yerself!  I'm heading down to the tittie bar to spend my bonus watching nine ladies dancing!!

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Let's Talk About The Beez. And Laugh At The Penz.

Okay, I admit it.  I have kinda ignored the Beez in this space thus far this season. But ya know, sometimes life happens and before I know it, it's 9:30 and the sandman has kicked my ass again.  He's kind of a dick to us middle aged types - Knocks us off our feet before the ten o'clock news but is right there at 2:30 am for an achy groaning tinkle trip to the piss pot, and again at 5:30 am because, you know, GET UP!  Let's Dance!!!!


As I sit here this morning, gleefully tip toeing through the giant field of suck-tulips in which the Pittsburgh Penguins are mired, I feel compelled to talk a bit about these Bruins.  Fresh off a sweep of a home and home series with the little bitches from the Triangle City, deez Beez sit in second place behind le hockey club of Canada.  That's some serious work after starting the season 0-3 and considering their top defenseman is a 6 foot 7 inch pile of puke who turns it over more than Peyton Manning in a wind storm.  Last night, I think it was the father from Everybody Loves Raymond who scored a hat trick on whoever that was in goal for Pittsburgh.  That's how much fun it has been watching them.

At the beginning of the season, the Beez penalty kill was horrendous, spending the first couple of weeks at the bottom of the league.  That unit has rebounded nicely and is now 17th in the league and has 6 short handed goals (including a beauty from Bergie last night).  They have the top power play in the league and the second best goals/game.  

This little bitch

The Nose Face Killah is playing his best hockey evah, all the while taking stick shots to the nuts and cheap shots from Sindy Crosby like above (btw, the Beez got a power play goal 25 seconds into that powerplay... thanks bitch).  Marchand leads the spoked Beez with 15 goals, including 3 shorties, and a +/- of 14.  Bergie and Krejci are doing their thing and Loui Erikkson is finally looking like the guy they got from Dallas.  But it's the young dudes who have reinvigorated Claude's team, especially the Spaghetti Twins, Landon Ferraro and Frank Vatrano.  Vatrano is a legit Masshole, hailing from Springfield and going to UMass.  AND he notched a hattie last night against those woeful pussies in the Burgh.  Colin Miller has bolstered the blue line AND has a helluva slappah from the point!

Two U's Two K's has bounced back into form of late and now has four shutouts on the season.  He's gotta quit giving up softies, but I'm not too concerned about Tuukka going forward.  

It's Chara who needs to just get off the gawdam ice!  I know we are lacking at the blue line, but this dude has hit the Peyton Manning Zone... he cannot get the puck on his stick without turning it over.  He's slower than Brady running a post and quite simply cannot play anymore.  But that's the eyeball test.  A look at the numbers and he is second on the team in +/- with 13 and he's logging 24 minutes a night.  He has 18 points, including 13 assists.  He's on a pace to get 50 points (he had just 20 points last season) and the best +/- of his career.  So are my eyes deceiving me?  I don't fukkin' know!!  But I HATE watching him play the game!!

So, can we go back to laughing at the Penguins for a minute?  Remember how they were gonna light it up this season after picking up Fat Phil Kessel?  Ooooh.... Crosby, Malkin and now Kessel!!  These guys with Letang, Kunitz and Hornqvist were gonna score 5 goals a game.  Um, Ryan Spooner has more goals than Crosby at this point.  That makes me giggle.  They are in 12th place in the Eastern Conference this morning, way the fuk out of the playoff race.  The Penz have fired their coach and have since lost every game with their new coach.  I don't know that they will continue to suck this bad.  But I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.  Ever since the days of Mario and Yahgah, this hypocritical collection of whinebags have bitched about the physical play of other teams all the while employing the likes of Ulf Samuellson and Matt Cooke.  And watch the Golden Sid away from the puck.   He's the classic hit 'em and run player.  Evgeni Malkin is the only guy on that team who I can respect... a tough prick with a specific set of skills that will kill you quickly.  But while he wears that penguin in a triangle, he's a dink.

Bye for now!

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

How To Make A Gingerbread House If You're A Dude

So, it's Christmas time.  That means that if you are a dude with a lady in your life, you are gonna have to relent and engage in some cozy yuletide nonsense to maintain satisfactory credit with the Bang Bank.  Whether it's wearing an ugly sweater or going to the mall for a romantic holiday walk, we are gonna resort to typical lows this holiday season.  Today, we are gonna make a gingerbread house.

First thing you do is remind your sweet wife or your dahlin’ fukkin' girlfriend that she owes you some serious holiday mattress time for makin’ you participate in this fukkin’ nonsense.

Next, get yerself some booze. Beer is my preference, but you can crack the seal on whatever bottle you think will dull the pain of making a miniature house for little Ginger Hanzel and Ginger Gretel. If your liquor cabinet is empty after the gawdam gift wrappin’ fiesta ya had last week, then roll a big ol’ fatty and get your 420 on. If this is your method, remember to exercise caution or you will end up eating all of the fukkin’ icing on that bitch before you glue the fake trees to the cardboard.

Once you are good and buzzed and all done whining to your significant other about missing the first period of the Bruins game, it’s time to roll some gawdam dough!! What you want is a fukkin’ shit ton of buttah, some brown sugah, molasses, baking soda and some gingah. It’s the name of the fukkin’ house. Of course you need gingah.

Put all that shit in a bowl except the brown sugah. Cuz you gotta whack the fuk out of that sugah rock with a 28oz framing hammah before you can even use it. Now, mix that shit up and set your oven at 375 fukkin’ degrees. Get another beer cuz it’s about to suck even worse.

Roll that dough out and cut it into a bunch of fukkin’ rectangles and squares. They are gonna be yer walls and yer roof. Cuz that’s all Hanzel and Gretel are getting… a gingerbread cube house. Bake that shit good for 15 minutes.

While it bakes, that’s the perfect opportunity to hold some mistletoe over yer package and ask yer girl for a kiss.  If she says no, try a little boob grab or hiney pinch. She loves it when you do that.

Okay, so after she shuts you down, bring your blue balls back to the kitchen cuz it’s time to get that shit out of the oven and try to glue a gawdam house together with nothing but frosting and a buzz. 

After managing to break every fukkin’ piece in half because your big fukkin’ hands are not made for arts and crafts, throw it all in the gawdam trash and give her money to go buy a premade gingah bread house with candy cane door frames and a gumdrop chimney. Get another beer and turn the Bruins on. Cuz you’re a dude!



Since the house was too gawdam difficult, try your hand at making gingerbread cookies.  Just follow this recipe!!

Monday, December 14, 2015

MMLS: Patsies Back On Top (For Now?)


Bad news for the AFC... He ain't extinct yet.  The Gronkosaurus returned with yet another brace on yet another appendage and the fukker still managed to drop a dino turd on the Texans' night.  While Scooter McDaniels and Matt the Beard Patricia schemed to put JJ Watt and DeAndre Hopkins in check, TMFB did his thing and, with thanks to Denver and Cincy for pissing down their legs at home, the Patsies are back in the drivers seat for the one seed.  We shall see what happens going forward with Hightower still out and with Blount and McCourty and Easley all leaving the game with ouchies.

Here's the scary truth:  The Pats locked up a playoff spot.  Edelman and Hightower will both be back by the playoffs.  The Pats have two home games left and a trip to South Beach to play the Fighting Campbells one last time.  The one seed is certainly in hand.  Let's see if they can hold it.

But back to last night - if the Pats are known for anything (aside from the GOAT and the HOOD), it's that they will take away your best so that you have to beat them with your second best.  Broken hand or not, JJ Watt was double teamed more than Debbie from Dallas - he only hit Brady once and that was a late hit penalty on Brady's first touchdown pass.  He was chipped, stuffed and neutralized all night.  Hell, even Danny DLDola gave the Big Commercial a hefty shove early.  Of course, Watt has taken shits bigger than Amendola, but it was still pretty funny.  So, because that was happening on one side, JaDeveon I Knocked A Guys Helmet Off Once Clowney was single teamed all night and he got himself two sacks.  And lost by 21 points.  

The most dangerous offensive weapon the Texans have is DeAndre Hopkins, who leads the NFL in receptions of 20 or more yards.  Well, he had just three catches, with his only big play coming in the fourth quarter with the game already out of hand.  The scheme there was man coverage by Logan Ryan with safety help over the top while they put the Butlah on the second best guy, a dude named Nate.  Sure, Malcom was burned on a double move by Nate on a 3rd and 18 play in the first quarter.  But that was the guy's only catch all night.  

So the Texans could not even beat the Pats with their best, their second best or whatever else they had.  Have a look see at the Texans' drives in the second half:  14 yards, 6 yards, 6 yards, -4 yards, -11 yards, 46 yards, 1 yard.  And this game got flexed to the 8:30 time slot two weeks ago because the Texans were playing so well.  They still have fukkin' Brian Hoyer at QB fahchrissake.  Dude couldn't start in Cleveland.  But whatevs....

You know what else the Pats are known for?  Picking up a dude from the scrap heap who makes plays immediately.  Leonard Johnson borrowed Shane Vereen's old jersey and came outta nowhere to make two pretty big pass breakups.  If you were asking aloud "Who the fuk is that guy?", you were not alone.  Shit, he could be waived by Tuesday.  

It's a happy Monday once again in New England Town.  The puzzle is coming together after suffering through that shitshow against Chip Overrated last week.  And this morning, we do our "Playoffs Again" victory dance.  Cue the gawdam music!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Dems and Repubs: They Are All Assholes!

We have a hypocrisy alert!!  And it's coming from both sides of the aisle.   I know, if you woke up tomorrow with your head sewn to the carpet, you would not be more surprised than you are now.

Two sand surfers with AR-15s gunned down 14 Americans in California last week.  As expected, the Democrats jumped loudly on their gun control nonsense.  Immediately following the shooting, top donkey jockey Dianne Feinstein submitted an amendment to the Obamacare Repeal Bill (not that those two are fahkin' related, but whatevs!) that would allow the Attorney General to prohibit the sale or transfer of firearms to suspected or known terrorists.  Republicans in the Senate rejected that amendment.  Their reasons:  due process.

I'm not sure I am on board with allowing due process to even "suspected" terrorists, but the language in the amendment (YES I READ IT - YOU CAN TOO RIGHT HERE) gives the AG complete discretion, including "reasonable belief" and "appropriately suspected" to deny the sale of firearms.

So, the party that pushes mass deportation and Muslim databases is suddenly worried about due process.  You are killin' me guys!  Try some gawdam consistency please!  Stick with your deportation and databases and DON'T LET TERRORISTS BUY GUNS!

And then there's THIS bitch!
But of course, my biggest beef is with the fahkin' Jackass Party that does not even wait until the bodies are identified before they try to squeeze gun control legislation into a bill about fahkin' OBAMACARE!!  And then Shrillary runs to the teleprompter hours later to call shame to the Republicans for voting down the proposal!
“Last night, the Senate voted down a law to block suspected terrorists from buying guns. We have thousands of people on a no-fly list. They get put on there based on credible information and suspicion that they should not be put on a plane inside our country or coming into our country,” Clinton said at a campaign event in Sioux Falls, Iowa. “I got to tell you -- if you’re too dangerous to fly in America, you are too dangerous to buy a gun in America.”
That's funny, huh?  The party that denounces profiling, that is opening our doors to thousands of Syrian refugees, that releases terrorists from Gitmo and that gives amnesty to undocumented immigrants with violent criminal records is now all of a sudden concerned about dangerous people in America.  So when it comes to gun laws, it's okay to profile based on suspicion?

Hey Democrats, howzabout if you're too dangerous to fly in America and too dangerous to buy a gun in America, then we ship your fahkin' ass OUT of America?

As usual, NONE of this is about what's best for the country.  Both parties care so much about winning their political pissing contests that they are contradicting their normal behavior.

Monday, November 30, 2015

MMLS: Now Gronk and Hightower?? FUK!

Alas... there will be no victory dance for the first time in a year.  No, I do not count that gift we handed Buffalo last year in week 16.  It was November 30 2014 the last time the good guys felt the dick punch of defeat in a game where they were actually trying.  I would say that getting a loss now is a blessing.  It at least stops the meaningless nonsense of undefeated talk.  We can leave the 16-0 pressure to that bipolar, dabbin' dickhead in Carolina.  But there is nothing fukkin' blessing-like about these gawdam injuries!!!

Denver deserves credit for the win because they scored more points.  And it was as exciting a game as you can get.  Brady did his thing within 1 minute and got Clutchkowski in position to tie the game and take it to overtime.  Denver had it's own clutch drive, scoring late to take the lead, albeit with the help of some wikkid fukked up officiating and typically aggressive play calls from the Pats on that second to last drive.  DAMN IT run the ball!  Listen, they are 25 and 2 over their last 27 games, so I guess they know what they are doing moreso than a half-ass blogger whose best talent is spelling fuck in a Boston accent.  But RUN THE DAMN BALL!!  

Now, back to the injuries.  I have heard national sports dopes talk about the Pats injury woes and liken it to all the other teams suffering injuries at this time of year.  They say ya cannot use injuries as an excuse because every team has them.  Um, you find me a team that has lost its top 5 receivers that has also lost two of its top three defensive players and has also lost its best offensive lineman and then I can be with you on the whole "every team is going through this" argument.  I do know THIS much.... Amendola does NOT drop that punt!!   Gronk's injury was the result of a low hit by an itty bitty defensive back.  While I hate that it happened like that, it is NOT dirty.  So please Pats fans, don't go that route.  You should know better than anyone that the only way to bring that monster down is to go at his legs.  It sucks.  But it's the truth.  How many times have you seen a DB try to "wrap him up" only to be carried for 5 yards or more?  

Listen, it cannot be an excuse.  That's because the Pats are still 10-1 and in the AFC driver's seat.  But the future is fukkin' bleak all of a sudden.  Next week at home, Hoodie will be trotting out a lineup you would usually see in the fourth exhibition to back TMFB against the Eagles.  Thank God its the innovative, ground breaking mind of Chip Kelly coming to the Razah next week.  Brady should be able to beat them with the likes of Harper, Cleveland and Martin.  Harper and Cleveland and Martin?  OH MY!

So, while there is no victory dance to gawk at this morning, we DO bring you the Stop The Fukkin' Injuries Dance.   Cue the music bitches.  I'm going to pray to the God of Healing Gronkapotamuses.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

MMLS: Bustin' Out The "Rex Ryan" Audible!!



I'd prefer they blow him out.  But then again, you don't get Rex Ryan head set throwing fuk bomb temper tantrums when the game is out of hand.  So there is definitely some joy in the close ones.  But I'd rather blow him out.  Cuz that's more fun.

Ya know what else is fun?  When Brady audibles "REX RYAN.  REX RYAN" on the third play of the game and then to hear linebacker Nigel Bradham tell us after the game that he knew the play would be a run to the right.  No fukkin' shit!  So, Sherlock, you figured out that Rex Ryan meant Run Right?  It's a wonder the Bills are only 5-5 with players that smart over there.

In week 2, the Pats threw the ball 62 times against the Bills defense, causing some to lament (i.e. that man titted pant load in a Buffalo sweater vest and receiver gloves) that Brady and Belichick were trying to run it up on Buffalo and "embarrass" them.  Without Edeleman and Lewis and with the short passing game in disrepair, the Pats had to rely on the run last night.  And it did not go so well.  That's cuz Buffalo has a monstrous front four.  

The M*A*S*H unit at the Razor is filling up like ya fukkin' read about.  Amendola and Dobson limped off last night.  That leaves Brandon LaDropsies and some guy named Harper as the only healthy receivers this morning.  Think about this for a minute - the last four weeks, the Pats have lost their best running back, their best receiver, their best defensive player and their entire fukkin' offensive line.  And yet, they continue to friggin' win!!  

It cannot last.  This makes no gawdam sense.  If Amendola is out for any period of time, Brady is going to see more pressure like he did last night.  Because the timing is off.  The Bills took Gronk away by double teaming him and bracketing him over the top.  He only had two catches.  Brady has dominated against the Bills for years, mostly because of guys like Welker, Edelman, Woodhead, Vereen and Dion Lewis who read where the blitz comes from and get to that spot.  

But maybe it CAN last.  That's because, lost in the prolific offense, and what nobody ever seems to talk about, the Pats defense is getting stronger.  Even with Jamie Collins battling some kind of bubonic linebacker eating plague, this squad is busting balls week after week.  They are quietly second in the NFL in rushing defense and fourth in points per game allowed.  Led by Chandler Bing Jones, New England is FOURTH in the league in sacks with 30.  And with Darrelle Revis is getting smoked in Jersey and Brandon Browner making an ass of himself in N'awlens, Malcom Butlah is making Hoodie look the genius once again.  This kid is becoming a shut down corner.  Last week, he nullified Odell Beckham and last night, he shut down Sammy Ten Target Watkins.  The kid is good!  And with McCourty and Chung playing safety, the alleged weakened secondary ain't so weak.  Now, if we can get Jonathan Freeny to cover a fukkin' running back, all will be good.

So it's 10-0 and off to the Rocky Mountains to bring Peyton a get well card.  But before that, let's Give Thanks to Gisele.  For you know... the white bikini.  And the hotness.

Monday, November 16, 2015

MMLS: Gawdam Giants!

Down at the Slinky in the Swamp, the train kept a rollin'~

Didn't look that way at the two minute warning, tho.  Instead, it looked like those fukkin' Giants were gonna keep pokin' the Patsy VooDoo Doll and continue their domination over TMFB and the Hood.  But then Malcom Butlah made the play, the GOAT picked his way downfield and Steven Clutchkowski kept the FukAllYall Tour intact!!!

Thank God Elizabeth Manning and the Jersey Giants never make the playoffs.  Or I don't think New England ever gets a Lombardi.  I don't know what it is that Teapot Coughlin and Peyton's Bettah Brothah have over the Pats.  But it is fukkin' scary shit!  I think it's just that Coughlin doesn't crap his pants and lose his mind when he faces Belichick.  He just worries about coaching his team and planning his game instead of sweeping locker rooms for bugs or bitching about formations.  I loved his post-game press conference.  No bullshit.  No excuses.  Just pure honesty about how bad he felt losing that way.

One more thing on the Giants - color me an Odell Beckham fan.  Dude is good.  That's a no-brainer.  But he and Butlah engaged in quite a mano y mano battle all day.  And every time Butlah wanted to talk trash after making a play, Beckham patted him on his ass and said nice play and back to the huddle.  THIS is what the NFL needs more of.  Yeah, I know he called out Gronk on his touchdown spike in the first quarter.  But that was an 87 yard play and emotion gets to you sometime.

-  New England frustrated the befukkers out of me yesterday with their inopportune penalties.  The holding call on Blount's fourth quarter score was just the frosting.  But some of that horseshit was on the officials.  Eli went to his go-to third and short play at least four times yesterday and got the conversion.  I think it's called Z Swipe X Fatty Right Pass Interference Bitch!  But everyone settle down with the "Goodell was there, the refs were against us" bullshit.  Except for the phantom PI on Butlah (which had me throwing my hat at the television), those are calls that are made all season.  It's the way the league works.

-  Duron Harmon had better be buying Danny DLDola dinner for the rest of the season after dropping his teammate 10 yards short of a touchdown on that punt return.  What the fuk was he doing running straight at his teammate who had already cleared every defender?  Just meet him in the gawdam endzone fahchrisake!  Good thing for Harmon they ended up scoring a few plays later.

-  TMFB was definitely not at his best yesterday.  Two fumbles and what should have been two picks does not a goat make.  But when it came time to nut up or shut up, he did it again.  The last drive was almost never a drive at all because of that pop fly he threw to centerfield that woulda coulda shoulda been intercepted.  Except that it wasn't.  Maybe Landon Collins should have caught that ball with his helmet.

-  Nothing to do with the Pats-Giants, but......   Peyton Manning.  Nice record you got there sonny.  Now have a fukkin' seat cuz you suck again.  His QBR yesterday was Mr. Blutarski level - Zero Point One.  But Denver claims he's injured.  And has been injured.  Well, except that game against the Packers.  He wasn't injured then.  Just all the other games.  Manning was benched to give legendary Brock Osweiller a chance.  17 interceptions this season.  But nice record.

So... whattaya say we do a little victory dancing?  
Cue the music.  Cue the cave boners!  Go to Rio.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Monday Morning Long Snappah: Pats Hitem Redskins

The Pale Faces may have said all the right things going into the game againstum Redskins.  About how talented and dangerous the 'skins are and how they will bring the toughest challenge to date.  But their real feelings could not be hidden when Hoodie rolled out the ol' First Quarter Onsides Kick Trick!  Such surprisary in the first quarter is usually done for one of two reasons:  desperation or complete dismissal of the opponent's ability to do anything about it.  And since we are all pretty sure the Patsies are not anywhere near desperate, one can only look at that onside kick as a slap in the boy berries to Little Gruden and his Washington R-words.  

When the Pats attempt to fix the coin toss failed and the Redskins deferred to the second half, that took away one of Hoodie's favorite weapons - the ol' double possession, make it take it the Pats have mastered when they win the toss and defer.  It usually turns into two possessions in a row and they usually score to end the first half and start the second half.  Well, when they couldn't do that yesterday, Belichick be like "Fuck it.  We'll just onside kick and get our two successive possessions that way."  And because nobody on Washington can catch the fukkin' ball, the trickery worked.  

ESPN is reporting this morning that Roger Good'n'Douchey will launch an investigation into how the Patriots are able to keep Tom Brady upright as well as rush for 161 yards with an offensive line made up primarily of undrafted centers, fat tight ends and oompa loompas.  There must be chicanery afoot.  I mean, I think I saw Jonathan Kraft playing right tackle at one point yesterday.  Surveillance video clearly shows both Bryan Stork AND Michael Williams playing tackle yesterday at different times.  Inside sources say that prior to yesterday, neither of these two guys have EVER played tackle before.  So that's deception.  It's deceptive.  HAH!!!

It won't be as easy next week with Jason Pierre Three Fingers coming at Brady next week.  The Giants are much faster on the edge than the Redskins.  So Hoodie had better hit the waiver wire this morning to see if there are any fat guys sittin' around with nothing to do next Sunday night.  And Dion Lewis is likely done for the season.  But somehow, I'm not worried.

But in the meantime.... 8-0 is 8-0.  It's nothing.  Except that it ain't 7-1, right Peyton??


Friday, October 30, 2015

Long Snappah: Pats Stomp The Fighting Campbells!!

Hello Mr. Campbell?  This is Reality calling.  What you saw last night.. that's what the big boys do.  Bet you miss the good ol' days when you used to whoop up on Titans and Texans!



Coach Meathead and his band of make believe football players came into the Rayzah last night with the hopes of slaying the AFC Beast!  One slight problem, Mongo....  coaching football ain't about who says "dude" the most nor is it a snot rocket distance contest.

It was cute and all that the rest of the country thought that the 'phins "had something going" under interim coach Dan and his Fighting Campbells.  But in all seriousness... what kind of fukkin' joke are the Dolphins?  If you are to believe the hype that the Dolphins are playing with toughness and heart under their new coach, then the only other conclusion you can draw from that is that they were intentionally mailing it in under Joe Philbin.  And THAT should piss off the Miami fans.

TMFB is seven games into his 2015 Lick My Taint Tour and he just keeps on keeping on.  Ya want a picture of exactly how much awesome sauce has been poured over Mr. Bundchen this year?  Going into this season, the player commonly accepted as the greatest quarterback to ever have played the game had a career passer rating of 96.6.  This season, the GOAT's rating sits at 115.8.  Safe to say that this seven game performance is BETTER than the greatest.  And that ought to tighten up the balloon knots of the rest of the NFL.  All Brady did last night was toss for 356 yards and 4 scores.  Gronkasaurus seemed like he spent most of the game pass blocking and keeping Donkey Kong Suh away from Brady's knees.  Buts somehow he ended up with 113 yards receiving and a touchdown.

That first quarter 47 yard touchdown was vintage Gronk and while everybody pointed out his open field speed and Brandon LaFell's "blackout" block on Grimes, I would like you to take note of something else on that play.  Something that goes to show that ain't nobody slowin' down the Gronk Train.  As Gronk was turning up field, LaFell had knocked his defender (#22) to the ground before peeling off to make the vicious block on Grimes.  Watch that play again and this time pay attention to #22.  He is on LaFell at the top of the screen in this video.  Check him out as Gronk is rumbling toward him at full speed... that little fukker WANTS NO PART OF GETTING GRONKED!!  He slyly and safely stays away until the tight end is past him and THEN he makes chase.  CLASSIC!!

The offense is obvious.  But howzabout that defense last night?  While the Pats were initially struggling to score (5 straight possessions without scoring a touchdown in first half), the defense made sure that Tannehill could not see straight and they rendered the alleged wunderkind Jarvis Landry with spaghetti dick.  At some point this season, the analysts are going to have to start talking about how gawdam beastly the Pats front four has become.  Lamar Miller had 175 yards last week.  He had 15 yards last night.  Forget taking it outside against Nink and Jones, cuz they ain't having it.  The Pats held the Dolphins to just 74 yards in the first half when the game was in doubt.  5 sacks from Jones & Co., including a safety sack from McCourty!!!  Sure, the corners are still the weakness, but it doesn't seem to matter much when the other team is too busy crapping its pants at the site of the Flying Elvis!

Save a horse!  Ride a Dolphin!!
Giddy-up Ry Ry!!
Time for some victory dancing...  before that, let's gawk in amazement first at how the Pats have done at home against the AFC East in the last 40 division encounters at Gillette:   They are 39-1 with that one loss being the Everybody Sits Game last year against the Bills in Week 16.

Okay, LET'S DANCE!!!

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Doubling Down On Pussification Today

Ya know those faded blue Chuck Taylor's you have stuffed away in your closet behind your paisley luggage and a dusty exercise ball?  Well, don't you dare think about putting those babies on and walking into a California school.  That's because those canvas beauties with the red star on the outside ankle would be deemed "gang-related" in this nation of pussies in which we live.  You think I'm fukkin' with ya?  

A 12 year old honors student was sent home from school with a dress code violation for wearing this shirt:

Administrators tell us that the shirt is deemed "gang-related" because of the star in the upper left of the design.  They claim that because the star is associated with the Norteno gang, this shirt blurs the line between free speech and safety.  SAFETY???  Holy fukkin' shit!!  So, because some collection of northern California drug runners with a gang code have associated themselves with a star, honor students wearing stars on shirts bought at fukkin' Kohl's are sent home?  Good thing Converse sneakers and Starter jackets are out of style.   

Oh... and the other pussified bullshit that made the news this week, of course coming from MSNBC.  Melissa Harris-Perry has a Saturday show on MSNBC.  Obviously because Saturday is the wasteland of news shows, where talent-less hacks go to spew idiocy.  Harris-Perry was interviewing someone named Alfonso Aguilar about Paul Ryan.  Aguilar described Ryan as a "hard worker" in Washington.  Harris-Perry stopped Aquilar in his tracks to caution him about using the term "hard worker" so freely.  Because, according to this fukkin' crazy ass bitch, that term is offensive to slaves and working women.  HUH?   I got nothing else ... read the interview for yourself HERE.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

#WeatherGirlsLivesMatter

Arriba! Arriba! Andale! Andale!  Hurricane Patricia has made landfall in Mayheeco.  Hold on to yer sombreros, board up your pueblos and grab yer jumpin' beans!  She's a nasty beetch.

Mexican government officials are putting their emergency preparedness to the test this weekend.  Patricia is hammerin' 'em with 160 mph winds and Angry God type rains.  Residents are preparing for widespread damage, power outages and complete and total fukkery.  I sure hope they have protected their most important citizens... please keep the weather girls safe from harm!

How do you know she's NOT talking about the hurricane?

Shitz n' Giggles has created a gofundme page for the Weather Girl Hurricane Relief Fund.  We will use all proceeds to fly Mayta, Yanet, Keren and Sugey and all of their colleagues to the safe haven of the Granite State.  Just look at these faces.  I can almost hear Sara McLachlan, can't you?  How can you turn your back in their time of need?  For just $1.35 a day, you can fill my office with las meteorologistas!!  And save a life at the same time.

Yanet Garcia
Estefania Caballero
Keren Rios
Mary Gamarra
Mayta Carranco
Sugey Abrego
Susana Almeida

Monday, October 19, 2015

MMLS: Pats Winning Head Games Like A Boss

It wasn't the punch in the manjunk that I wanted.  But it was a win.  The city that REFUSES to let the air pressure story go away deserved a 60 spot on their "Fuck The Pats Party."  But since we only put up 34 points and won by a touchdown, I guess the next best thing would be to make complete fukkin' fools of themselves with some kind of Lonesome Polecat Head Up My Ass formation on 4th and 3.  That was a whole bowl of sweetness soaked in awesome sauce!  It out-classes the Butt Fumble in the world of stupid plays because this one was done ON PURPOSE!  It also proves that the Pats ARE IN THE HEADS OF EVERY TEAM THEY FACE!  Instead of just playing the football game, opposing coaches are trying to out-smaht the smahtest!  And it's becoming embarrassing.  Tomlin whined about headsets.  Ryan whined about them not running the football.  Harbaugh.. well, he just whines.

Look at that hot mess last night at the end of the third quarter and imagine yourself a gnat nesting in Pagano's head.  This is what you heard:
"I got an idea.  Let's not punt.  Instead, let's move everyone wide right except a wide receiver and a running back.  Let's even put the punter way back like he is in punt formation even though the ball is across the field.  And then let's have the wide receiver be the center and the running back be the quarterback.  Oh.....oh... and then, when the Pats move four guys over the ball, let's snap it anyway!  They'll never expect that.  And I will be CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!"   
Pagano!!!  Hard on!!  Here's another idea... try an onside kick in the first half.

As Pats fans, Hoodie gives us adjustments to 2-9 defenses, 4 tight end sets, eligible tackles and ineligible running backs and lots of wins.  Pagano gives Colts fans....the Swinging Fukkin' Gate, a play that doesn't even work in Pop Warner.  But hey, they were leading at halftime, so might as well raise another banner.  And let's extend a big fat Go Fuk Yourself to Ryan Grigson, the Indy media and those sorry fans who thought a deflated football cake was gonna get them the win.



Saturday, October 17, 2015

Hillary's Pants Are Still On Fire!!!


You all remember Brian Williams, right?  The dude who was fired from his job as a news anchor because he made up some stories about crash landing in a Chinook chopper under enemy fire and some other fukkin' nonsense because he wanted to exaggerate his importance in this world.  Yeah, that dick.

But I wonder if you remember this story from the last time this fukkin' corrupt lying bag of douche drizzle ran for President.  During a campaign speech on foreign policy in 2008, trying to make a case that she somehow gained some foreign policy experience while her husband was banging interns at the office, Hillary shared this story of a visit to Bosnia in 1996:
"I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."  Clinton added that the feeling in the White House at the time of her visit was “if a place was too small, too poor, or too dangerous, the president couldn’t go, so send the First Lady.”
The day after telling this story, Hillary was asked again about that trip to Bosnia 12 years earlier.
"There was no greeting ceremony, and we were basically told to run to our cars.  Now, that is what happened."
But ya see, Hillary fans... that never happened.  Just like Whitewater, email servers and the fake concussion to avoid Benghazi, her pants are always on fukkin' fire!!  Oh, she landed in Bosnia for sure.  And she walked along the tarmac and was given a poem by a little girl.  Video footage confirms that.  So a week later, Hillary had to confess her sins.  And she actually tried to categorize her lying as evidence that she was a normal person.  She claimed that she "mis-spoke" and said she meant that she was told there COULD be a THREAT of sniper fire.
"So I made a mistake.  That happens.  It shows I'm human, which for some people is a revelation."
MADE A MISTAKE???  You don't make mistake about being under sniper fire.  You either dodged bullets or you didn't.  You did not misspeak!  YOU LIED!  Like Brian Williams lied.  Williams' lies made him unfit to be a news anchors. But Hillary's library of lies somehow makes her human and a good choice to lead our country!  Fukkin' unbelievable.

Remember when she was on the Today Show a week after 9/11 and told us all that Chelsea was jogging around the World Trade Center and ducked into a coffee shop just before the first plane hit, a move that saved her life?  Yeah, that didn't happen either.

And when she told us all that she and Billy were "dead broke" when they left the White House?

And that she only used one email server.

Oh yeah... and when she told us that the US Embassy in Libya was attacked in response to a "disgusting video on YouTube" when in fact she and her advisers had already been informed that a terrorist group had claimed responsibility for the attack.

Oh, she's a fukkin' beauty!  But you are all still gonna vote for her.


Friday, October 16, 2015

Friday Bitchin! Enough Fukkin' Pumpkin!!

I just love fall... or "Autumn" as they call it in the douchebaggery world of parlors and cul-de-sacs.  (It's a fukkin' living room and it's a dead end, assholes!)  I love the cool mornings and brisk sunny afternoons, college football on Saturdays and Patriot ass whoopins on Sundays.  I like throwin' on a pair of old Levis, a flannel shirt and some fukkin' boots and hangin' outside for those final days before that fukkin' snow starts cornholin' our world.

But ya know what I couldn't give two shits about?  Foliage!  Jeezus Harold Christ!  What the fuk makes people so gawdam giddy about looking at dying leaves?   Oh, that's right.  It's nature's canvas.  It's a reminder of God's awesomeness.  Yeah, like God is some kinda fukkin' Bob Ross or something.  When I want to be reminded of His awesomeness, I just think of yoga pants, squeeze cheese and Carl's Junior commercials.  You can have your plethora of orange, red and burnt fukkin' sienna from an observation point on the Kangamangus Highway.  I'll behold the wonders of the Lord by watching Kate Upton do the Cat Daddy.


Another thing I don't get about this season... why everything is fukkin' pumpkin flavored!!  From pumpkin muffins to pumpkin coffee to fukkin' pumpkin beer.  When the fuk did this happen?  Last week, someone tried to offer me pumpkin whoopie pies!  This fukkery is out of control.  Oh, and now, you ain't nothin' unless you get a Shipyahd Pumpkin Head draft beer with a sticky fukkin' rim of cinnamon sugar and a shot of vanilla vodka dropped in.  Cuz nothing screams fall like sippin' squash flavored beer from a pint glass like it is some kind of blue collar marga-fukkin'-rita!  I know this much... if you are ordering a Drunken Pumpkin, you ain't no fukkin' lumberjack!!


CUT THE ARTSY SHIT AND CARVE A NORMAL PUMPKIN
Speakin' of pumpkins.. what the fuk is with all these fancy pants jack-o-lanterns people are carving these days?  In my day, ya take a gawdam steak knife, cut two triangles for eyes, one triangle for the nose and a half-moon with two teeth for the mouth.  You stuck a fukkin' candle in the thing and BOOM it was Halloween!  Now it's fukkin' art class with paper stencils, special little carving tools and paint.  Ya see witches, bats and cartoon character faces carved into pumpkins now.  Why are you carving a scene from the Headless Horseman into a gourd?  Are you gonna win some kind of "Best Pumpkin On The Street" award?  Put a fukkin' tea lite at the bottom and finish your Christmas shopping already!!

Monday, October 12, 2015

MMLS: Patsies Shrug Off Cowboys Defense


TMFB and his How's My Ass Taste Now Tour check in at the quarter pole with nary a scratch on the record, although certainly with some ouchies this fine fall Foxboro morning.  Next up, the Circle Game against those whiny little bitches in Indianapolis.  Word of advice to Ryan Grigson -  better get in some extra yoga classes, cuz you're about to be bent over in the downward dog and have a 12.5 psi Roger Goodell autographed Wilson suppository sweep out your fukkin' innards!

Back to yesterday... Greg Hardy reminded us that beating up women is not his only specialty.  Fukker is a beast and spins linemen like blindfolded Mexican kids looking for the pinata.  Hardy spent the first half punching his dance card for Tommy Boy, seemingly on a mission to get a sniff of Gisele.  The Cowboys showed the Pats a brand new look and the result was a shit ton of pressure and 5 sacks in the first half.  But Obi Wan Kabelichick and Yoda McDaniels did what they always do... They ADJUSTED.  They brought in tight end Michael Williams and Scott Chandler to beef up whatever side Hardy lined up.  They rotated their tackles to keep them fresh.  They balanced their attack by running nearly as often as they passed.  The result was 206 yards of offense in the second half with NO SACKS.  The stat line shows that the Cowboys only had 8 quarterback hits for the entire game.  Damn, it seemed more like 18 hits.  But that means at most, Brady was only touched 3 times in the second half.  To the other 31, you just keep on bitching about headsets, stealing signals and deflated footballs.  Hoodie will just keep on adjusting on your sorry asses and embarrassing the fuk out of you.  And he will keep on signing guys that other teams don't want and turn those dudes into STUDS.  Dion Lewis was not good enough to make the Cleveland fukkin' Browns two years ago.  Today, he is 10th in the NFL in yards per game with 104.5.  I guess you can say that sometimes the Patriots DO go into the dumpsters of other teams and turn their trash into gold.

This is how good the Patriots are...  the eyeball test says that the Cowboys beat the shit out of the Pats physically.  Brady faced more pressure yesterday than he has all season.  They had two huge plays called back because of that fukkin' pick play.  AND THEY STILL WON BY 24 POINTS!!!

Phil Simms and Jim Nance spent the first half rubbing one out over the rookie corner out of UConn who was covering Gronk.  Sure, the kid stayed with Gronk all over the field.  There were no wide open seam routes yesterday.  But come on man!  The kid was cute and all.  But when it came time to man up (or Gronk Up as they say), Jones was more like a shit kernel hanging on for dear life.  Gronk had four catches for 67 yards, including THROWING JONES OUT THE CLUB along the sidelines for a 33 yard gain.  Give me a fukkin' break man.  You can't put a corner on Gronk.  And you can't put a linebacker on Gronk.  The Colts might wanna sign a free agent stripper with big ol' titties to play corner next week.  But I gotta tell you... Gronk would run her the fuk over too.  Bidness is bidness!!

The story yesterday was the Pats defense!  Sure, Brandon Wheeden runs a whisky dick offense with absolutely no teeth.  But the Pats still held them to SIX 3 and outs in the first half.  The Cowboys had 260 yards of total offense, but 74 of them came on the last drive while the Pats were in prevent.  Jabaal Sheard was in the backfield all day and Jamie Collins just keeps getting better and better.

Hey Indy... are you paying attention?  You should be.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

If Hardy Is Still Looking For Gisele, I Found Her.

So happy to bring you this week's Hey Greg Hardy You Can't Beat This Woman Victory Dance! 


Friday, October 9, 2015

Anyone Know If Chandler Jones Can Skate??

Help Wanted:  Local professional hockey club seeking ANYONE WHO CAN PLAY FUKKIN' DEFENSE!  Qualified candidates should be able to skate backward without falling on their asses, shall possess the ability to keep the fukkin' puck on their fukkin' stick and be able to push around itty bitty kitty cats without shitting in their breezers.


If I were Tuukka, I would ask for a demotion until Donny Sweeney figures this fukkin' thing out.  Let him be the guy who holds the door while GooseTahhfsun gets peppered with pucks.  At this point, Torey Krug is our top blue liner.  At five foot nothing, this cute little fukker gets muscled out of the crease by a stiff breeze, fahchrissake!  Oh, it's a shit show at the Gahden right now.  And... les sacs de douche are coming to town on Saturday.  That oughta fahkin' sahk!!

That's all I got.  Happy Friday!


Friday, October 2, 2015

Oregon Shooter Targeted Christians. Hate Crime? Shhhhh!

Wait!  What?  But it was a Gun Free Zone!  
How could this be?



Stricter gun laws are needed, huh?  Umpqua Community College has its own rules on guns - they are prohibited on campus.  So how could this shooting have happened when federal law expressly prohibits murder and guns are not even ALLOWED on UCC campus?  What's that?  Bad guys break laws??  The fuck you say!!!

Word is that the shooter targeted Christians.  Will Obie and the media call this a hate crime?  Will he demand tolerance?  Oh, that's right.  Christians are on their own.  

Monday, September 28, 2015

MMLS: Hey League, Are You Paying Attention??

G'mornin' and Gaw Bless!  The Pope is back in Rome and the Monday Morning Long Snappah is back to work recrappin' Patriots action for all y'all.


The Tom Brady 2015 How Do My Balls Taste Now Tour was back at the Razor yesterday and brought their unique brand of whoop-assery onto the sorry souls that are the Jacksonville Jaguars.  Those cute little fellas in their pretty helmets came to Foxboro feeling pretty sassy after dropping the Miami Dolphins last week.  Maybe they were a different Jaguar team this year.  Maybe the quarterback with the prep school name (Blake Bortles) could lead them to a .500 season.  But reality kicked 'em all in the boy beans when they saw a real team on the other side of the ball and when the 'phins proved to be barely a JV team - they lost to Buffalo by 30 points.

Brady is simply in another world right now.  He's on a pace to pass for 6,000 yards and 50 touchdowns.  And even though last year proved that the first four games don't mean a spoonful of shit in the grand scheme of shitdom, something is different about how these boys are playing.  They are fukkin' angry and it shows.  I don't want a bye week.  I want to keep the train rolling.  One can only hope that ESPN has another make believe story about video cameras and air pressure and unnamed sources.  Keep fueling the fire, bitches!!!

Yesterday's beatdown was named the "Who The Hell Is Keshawn Martin Episode" - seriously... when the fuk did we get this guy?  Aw, it doesn't mattah.  Seasoned Pats fans understand that we may never see Martin again... must I remind you when we all had boners for the deep threat of Brian Tyms???  It doesn't mattah!!  Jonas Gray?  Zach Sudfeld?  Who was that other fukkin' guy we stole we from the Giants?  The tight end?  Aw shit... IT DOESN'T MATTAH!!!

The only negative in yesterday's game was the absent minded Danny Amendumdum who gave away Brady's 400th touchdown ball to a fan in the front row.  Of course, when asked, Brady was like, "I don't care.  Danny can do whatever he wants."  Ya know why Brady didn't care?  Because he knows there's gonna be a 500th touchdown ball one day.  And because the only ball he really wants is the sterling silver one that sits atop a three sided stand and is given out every February.  So he can shove it up Goodell's ass on national television in a confetti storm.

Lost yesterday in the hooplah of TMFB's 400th touchdown pass was Stephen Gostkowski's 424th consecutive extra point, an NFL record.  This fukkin' guy has not missed an extra point since 2006.  He has led the league in scoring the last three seasons.  He is the all-time scoring leader in Patriots history.  He has made 87% of his field goals in 9 seasons.  Compare that to Adam Vinatieri's 81% success rate in his 10 seasons with the Pats.  It took playing in a dome in Indy for Vinatieri to reach 85%.   Yet, because G-ski has not won a playoff game or Super Bowl with a last second kick, he will never match Vinatieri in the minds of Pats fans.  And that's okay with me.  But make no mistake about it...  when the Pats released Vinatieri in favor of Gostkowski, the Pats actually got better in the kicking game.  More touchbacks.  More field goals made.  More points.

I sure would have liked to be a fly on the wall last night when Rex Ryan checked the stat sheet and found out that the Pats RAN THE BALL 32 times yesterday?  Here is what I would have heard:  "Oh sure, big brave Belichick runs against the Jaguars, but is too chicken shit to run against my defensive line.  Hey honey, can you stir my drink with your toes?  I love you."  

LaGarette Roll Me A Blount reappeared yesterday and served notice to Indianapolis for game #5 when he bulled his way into the endzone three times.  If you think the Patriots have been lighting it up so far, just wait until they get into Indianapolis!  The Colts are gonna feel like they are in the middle of an Under Armour commercial with a thousand Tom Brady's beating the fukkin' snot out of them.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Come Get Papish With Me!!

Get yer Pope tickets here!!!  First come, first serve... come get Papish with us and you will not be sorry.  Get here early for a chance at standing directly behind the baricade and get a kinda up close view of the High Holy One.  That's right, pilgrims.  You too can be moved to tears by just a simple smile and a wave from Pope Frank.  PLUS...  A free Papal bobblehead to the first 600 Catholics to show up waving a Vatican City flag or a fist full of beads to catch a glimpse of the Mr. Hooper look-a-like.

Oh relax wafer-eaters... I'm just playing around with yer guilt ridden asses.  Lightning ain't gonna strike you down if you giggled a little bit at the "fist full of beads" comment.  This Pope is the friggin' balls!!  Seriously, he showed up in Congress and told those sunzobitches what's what!  He made Boehner cry.



All kidding aside - as you well know, I have no use for religion or any organization telling me how to get to heaven while asking me for money and unconditional loyalty.  BUT, there is something about this Pope that moves me.  I don't know what it is.  Oh, I ain't about to "pilgrimage" to a one car parade to catch a wave from a guy in a white bathrobe.  But I will watch this guy and the effect he has on his flock all day long.  I don't know if it's as simple as a study in human behavior or if it's more than that.

And it's not about just "being the Pope" either.  Because the last Pope was a douche bag.  Benedict and his gold laced beanie and creepy whatayadoing stare were not good for the church.  That dude connected with NOBODY!  He never came to the States, because we were probably beneath His Holiness and he didn't want to get any America on his $1,000 shoes.

But Pope Frank.... call me a fan!!!  I like him.

 

Let's Try Being Nice For A Day

We interrupt your regularly scheduled trip down Immaturity Lane to bring you a dose of class, dignity and respect.....  this is a test.  This is only a test.


I kinda like this Pope.  But why are his fans called pilgrims and not groupies?  Or Popies?   Or Poopies.   (oops, there I go again).  And why does he get to wear white after Labor Day?

Bye for now.

In the event of actual maturity and good taste, this will be followed by instructions on how to be a total bore in life.

THERE.  HOW'D I DO?

Monday, September 21, 2015

Dear New Hampshire: SMAHTEN THE FUKKUP!!

To My Fellow Live Free or Diers (and Tom Brady),

ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FUKKIN' MINDS?  Jeezus Harold Christ - Would ya vote for Momma June because she's not a "typical politician" either?  Thanks to many of you, the Donald has been leading the polls in our state for months.  And when asked, your standard answer is because "he says the things I have wanted to say."  Yeah, no shit.  That's why YOU are not running for President.  Because you and I like saying shit that insults, offends and inflames!  We do it for effect.  But would you want the writer of this blog to be running the fukkin' country?


This loud mouthed asshole is nothing but a sophomoric WWE character who HAS NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE to offer.  And you have him leading the polls.  Because he's loud and different.  We all agree that typical politicians on both sides of the aisle are only concerned about gaining control and staying in control.  But do you want Donald the Insulting Douche to be the face of our nation?  He's disrespectful, vulgar and stupid.

Aside from Trump, there are two other atypical politicians on the Republican side who are worth a strong look!  Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina.  Both of whom, by the way, will FUCK with the liberals' minds.  A black man and a woman.   And it appears now that Carly is moving up in the polls.

Politics aside, we also need our President to be dignified and of strong moral character.  You cannot have it both ways.  You cannot shout from the mountaintops about how Slick Willie embarrassed the office by getting his adulterous dick smoked in the Oval Office, and then place yourself in Trump's camp alongside his obnoxious insults and fuk 'em all attitude.

Just because you agree with his alleged ideas on economics and defense and foreign policy, that does not mean he will be a good President.  You might as well call me a viable candidate using that logic.

Here's the simple truth, dummies:  If Trump is the Republican nominee, I, along with many many other red card carrying loyalists, will be forced to vote for whatever asshole the Democrats have put up against him.  Frighteningly, that would include Hillary.  You know how much my ass hurt typing that???   But I would rather have a typical politician with bad policies who puts on a good face than this maniac from Atlantic City.  That's why we have checks and balances!!

Monday Morning Long Snappah: Ya Want An Apple Pie With That Shit Sammitch?!

Confucious say "If you talk too much shit, you leave a little in your mouth and you end up eating it."  Methinks Confucious was one wise muthafukka who channeled a certain foot loving head coach back in the day.

The Pats went up to Buffalo yesterday and stomped on the nuts of those fukkin' blabbahmouths and their fans, who possess an awful lot of bravado for a team that has not sniffed a playoff game since Bill Clinton was livin' on Pennsylvania Ave.  Yes, the strip sack and 19 points allowed in the fourth gave the fans a temporary boner and was a buzzkill to what could have been a complete and total in your face performance.  But in the end, the defense that made no plays in the that last quarter came up huge with Logan Ryan's game sealin' pick of Tyrod Taylor.  From there, it was take a knee and shaddupaya face!

Tommy Muthafukkin Brady tossed his perfectly legally inflated football for 466 yards and three touchdowns.  Dion Lewis gained 138 all purpose yards.  The Gronkapotamus had a "quiet" day with seven catches for 113 yards and a touchdown.  Edeleman had 11 catches for almost a hundred yards and Aaron Dobson showed up with four HUGE stick movin' catches for 87 yards.  The Pats punted just ONCE - on their first drive of the game.  Offensively, TMFB and the boys were beasts.

Brady dropped back to pass 61 friggin' times!!  Belichick's game plan was obvious.  Render Buffalo's vaunted defensive line irrelevant by ignoring the running game and just airing it out.  Ryan has been puffin' out his chest about his big four defensive linemen since July.  They have doled out $260 million in contracts to Mario Williams, Kyle Williams, Marcel Dareus and Jerry Hughes.  Pregame, the four were announced together as if they were some kind of new age Steel Curtain.  What Ryan seems to forget is that the Pats plan for their opponents.  Oh sure, it might be almost impossible to run against those guys.  Belichick says, so why bother?  Especially when you have three rookie offensive linemen and the GOAT under center.

Ryan was obviously a bit testy after the game, although he did acknowledge that he was outcoached by Hoodie.  No shit, Sherlock!  In the week leading up to the game, Ryan brushed off the potential of Dion Lewis, claiming, "We're not going to focus on that kid.  I can't even tell you the kid's name."  After Lewis gained 138 yards, including 98 in the air, someone asked Ryan what he thought about Lewis now.  He angrily replied "I still don't know his name.  Next time, run the ball!"

Therein lies the difference between being a good coach and giving a good press conference.  Belichick looked at the Bills defense and planned accordingly.  Ryan, on the other hand, built his team to stop the run, which does you no good when the other guy does not run.  By the tone in his comments, Ryan was actually insulted that the Patriots only ran the ball 15 times.  Fukkin' dummy!  Do we expect the NFL to investigate the Patriots for refusing to run the ball.  Because like John Harbaugh says, you never see a team do that.

And howzabout that offensive line?  Three rookies on the inside.  Of the 61 times Brady dropped back, he was sacked twice and only hit FIVE TIMES.  One of those sacks was actually a coverage sack on a Brady scramble where he slid just short of the line of scrimmage.  They gave that sack to Mario Williams because he was closest to Brady when he slid.  That's a $260 million d-line that could not get around a bunch of rookies.  No wonder Ryan was pissy.

The defense was AWESOME for three quarters.  Sure, that first drive was worrisome and LeSean McCoy looked like he was going to gain 200 yards by the end of the game.  But after that, Matt Patricia's crew shut the fukkin' door and chased Tyrod Taylor all over the place.  Taylor's passing numbers were good enough - he was 23 for 30 with three touchdowns.  But he also threw three picks and was sacked 8 times.  He spent the whole afternoon shitting his pants under pressure.  The kid ain't ready.  Of course, the Pats went to the dreaded prevent defense in the fourth.  That paired with their stubborn refusal to run the ball with a 24 point lead allowed the Bills to get back in the game.  But in the end, it was the same ol' same ol'.  The Pats came off the field winners against the Bills.  They are like 24-3 in the past 27 games.  But you keep yappin' Bills fans.  You keep making cute little cheater signs.  And we'll keep watching our team kick your pitiful asses.

Scary Moment
There was a frightening moment during the game when Bills safety Aaron Williams was taken off the field in an ambulance for a neck injury.  Word from Buffalo is that he is fine.  He was evaluated at the hospital and released with just his butt hurt.  I'm glad that he is okay and there was nothing catastrophic.  Because today I can shit all over his ass!!   This little fukker was yapping all week about how he did not like the Patriots.

"I hate New England.  It's definitely personal for me," Williams said on Thursday.  
When asked why, he said it was "just the way they carry themselves on the field and stuff."

That's awful ironic coming from a guy who picked up two 15 yard penalties in the first half, one for taunting and a personal foul for hitting Edelman after the play.  By the way, his taunting penalty was for when he got in the face of his former teammate Scott Chandler.  Seems to me SOMEBODY has to fix how he carries himself on the field.  Little bitch.

We'll Cover Gronk
Ryan talked about covering Gronk with King Kong.  But the 82 year old undrafted free agent from Skull Island could not get a work visa in time, which left Sexy Rexy to try to cover Gronk with itty bitty defensive backs and sludge slow linebackers.  Oh, but they thought they could do it.

Cornerback Stephon Gilmore said, "I hope I get Gronk, to be honest with you...I want him."

Here Gilmore is (#24) after lining up on Gronk at the 5 yard line.  I think he's saying "Wuh happened?"

How'd that work out for ya?

We'll Be Loud
The Buffalo fans raised enough money and enough signatures to invite the Guinness Book of World Records out to the game on Sunday.  They promised noise that would rival Kansas City.  Belichick said during the week that it would be as loud as the Patriots allow it to be.  In other words, if they get out to a lead and play well, the fans will be out of the game.  Rex thought that was pretty good bulletin board material, so he hung his hat on that, trying to use a manufactured over-confidence on the Pats behalf to stoke the flames.  But by the end of the third quarter, fans were headed to their cars.  They gave it their best, but like their football team, the fans lost the big one.

Penalties
This is why Rex Ryan is a coach who will just never get it.  He didn't learn from his time in New Jersey.  Instead of controlling his team's emotions, he fans them.  And he ends up with what happened on Sunday.  A team out of control.  14 penalties for 140 yards, many of them the 15 yard unsportsmanlike variety on special teams.  Of course, Bills fans are claiming the refs were the difference, ignoring the fact that the Pats were whistled for 11 penalties and 119 yards.  It was an ugly game.  But the bottom line is that Buffalo went backwards for 193 yards yesterday (53 yards worth of sacks) and ya just cannot win when you go backwards.

VICTORY DANCE
As always, we reserve a special victory dance for wins over Rex Ryan.  Usually it involves man boobs and belly fat.  Gisele will be back next week.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Tell Me How THIS Looks Like A Clock!!

At first blush, it sounds ridiculous, right?  A 14 year old Texas kid built his own clock at home.  He brought it in to school this Monday to impress his teacher, who immediately thought the clock could be a bomb and called the police.  Police arrested the young wizard and school officials suspended him for three days.  Social media has blown the fuk up (excuse the poor choice of words) with support for the kid and anger at the overreaction to his cute little home project, that LOOKED LIKE A FUKKIN BOMB!

After questioning the boy, police dismissed the case.  The suspension still stands but 14 year old Ahmed Mohamed is a celebrity.  He wears NASA tshirts and says his dream is to attend MIT.  In other words, he's wikkid smaht!!  He has been invited by Mark Zuckerberg to tour Facebook headquarters.  And President Obama has invited the young Muslim to the White House.

Yep, you read that correctly... it took Obie two days to reach out to Ahmed and invite him to the White House.  Still waiting on this asshole to invite the family members of executed police officers to the White House.  The divisiveness continues from this administration, yet the President is just looking at us and laughing because there is NOTHING we can do about it.

By the way, have you SEEN young Ahmed's "clock"?   You tell me...



How does THIS even resemble a clock?  If a white teen walked into a classroom with a homemade pencil sharpener that was in the shape of a fukkin' bazooka, would that be a good idea?  Would that kid be considered a "brilliant young mind?"  Would that kid be glad handing with the President?  No, because that would be just as fukkin' stupid as what Ahmed did here.  

There are two possibilities here:  The kid is as smart as everyone here alleges, which means he intentionally made his clock to look like a bomb and knew how the teacher would react.  Or the kid is so gawdam stupid that he thinks this is a clock.  If I duct tape a digital alarm clock to a fukkin' milk jug, that ain't a homemade clock.  I'm sorry people... but the school officials followed policy.  And straying from policy just because the President chimed in or because the kid wears a NASA shirt would be bad precedent.  


Monday, September 14, 2015

NFL Sunday In Review: Eli Is A Doofus!!!

That sound you heard Thursday night was the last dying breath of the baseball season.  Pull the plug already - because nobody gives a bag of pickle dicks about the Pirates/Brewers series, Blue Jays power or the Houston Ain't In The NL Anymore When Did That Happen Astros.  That's because our Saturdays and Sundays are now filled with zone blitzes, bubble screens, Gronk spikes, Lee Corso, Carrie Underwood and the Manning brothers sucking.  Thaaaaat's right... it's the foozball season, Bobby Boucher!  It's the devil and it's got me by the medulla oblongata.

The Enn Eff Ell got underway in full effect this weekend and the stoopidity on display only served to reaffirm that guys like Tomlin, Harbaugh, Carroll and the rest of the coaching hierarchy had better start worrying about calling fukkin' plays instead of worrying about bugged locker rooms and soft balls.  

Let's start with my favorite moment of the weekend, shall we?  And that's the short bus shenanigans that went on in the Giants huddle with under two minutes to go and on the Cowboys 5 yard line with a three point lead.  A touchdown puts the Giants up by 10.  The Cowboys have no timeouts and would need TWO possessions and TWO scores.  So Blank Stare Eli told his running back Rashad Jennings NOT TO SCORE.  Because I guess he preferred to run the clock, get a field goal and go up by 6 with 40 seconds left?  So, Jennings did what he was told.. he was stopped at the one yard line on two straight runs.  The clock continued to tick.  Okay... at least the Giants will run it one more time on third down, and run another 45 seconds off the clock.  Then they would kick the field goal with approximately 45 seconds left.

HAH!!  That's what one would THINK was going to happen.  Except Eli decided to roll out of the pocket and throw the ball into the first row.  STOPPING THE FUKKING CLOCK with 1:30 left.  Peyton's little brother could have taken a sack and kept the clock running.  But nope.  Guess Bad Comedian Eli Manning took over.  Of course, you know what happens.  Tony Blomo got the ball back with 1:27 left, marched down the field and threw the game winning touchdown to Jason Witten.  Hey Giants fans... that's your $21 million per year quarterback right there.  The guy who has not been to the playoffs in 4 years, but makes a pissah Direct TV commercial.  

Editah's Lament:  Why couldn't Bad Comedian Eli Manning have shown up in the Super Bowls?

Then there was Mile High Shit Show, aka The Pick Six Parade!!  This was a quarterback duel for the ages where both Peyton Manning and Joey Flaccid threw touchdown passes to the other team to account for the only touchdowns of the game.  The Elder Manning seems to be picking up right where he left off...  missing open receivers, collapsing under pressure.  I'll give him this... he can still yell "OMAHA" with the best of them.  Flacco and Manning combined for three interceptions and no touchdowns.  Add their quarterback rating together and you get 98.1.   Just 43 behind TMFB this week.  (AND 55 behind rookie Marcus Mariota).

Speaking of Mariota, he did nothing but take Fraudulent Jameis Winston to school once again.  The last time these two faced each other, Mariota went on to the national championship game while Winston was doing the Sanchez, picking his ass up off the turf.  Yesterday, Marcus was brilliant.  Jameis... not so much.  His very first pass was a pick six.  He threw two picks and fumbled twice.  Not sure if he yelled "F*** her in the p***y" but he certainly looked like he spent all summer eating hot crab legs.  Heard today that Winston is 26-0 against every other quarterback and 0-2 against Mariota.  Heeee

And lastly, Coach of the Century Petey Carroll was at it again.  This time, he thought it a good idea to onside kick to start overtime, giving the Rams the ball in field goal range already.  I nearly pissed myself laughing at the I'm A Dumb Fuk look on his gum chewing face.  Oh, but then it got better.  The Rams took the lead with a field goal.  But with the new rule, the Seahawks would get once chance to tie or win.  It was 4th and 1 from the Rams 43.  Wilson handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch, you know, because he is BEAST MODE and he would have won the Super Bowl had he run it.  Oh, but wait.  Lynch was stuffed short and the game was over.  POETIC JUSTICE right there.  At least Carroll can take solace in the fact that... oh never mind.  He's an idiot.

That's all for now... gotta get ready for a week of listening to Rex Ryan strut like a well hung cock in a hen house.  Until Sunday night that is.