Forget terrorism and Japanese airbags! The most clear and present danger facing our nation this morning is Lululemon! That's right... the fukkin' clothing company made news a few years ago by developing yoga pants that, when stretched across a giant ass, became nearly see through. Those pants were quickly recalled, saving countless men and women alike from lifelong suffering from STPD - See Thru Pants Disorder.
But Lululemon is back in the news today with a consumer safety recall that rises to a level of dangerousness that has not been seen since the 1972 Pinto gas tank. 300,000 Lululemon hooded sweatshirts, referred to in pop culture as "hoodies," have been recalled over reports that their elastic drawstring, when pulled too tight or snagged, are snapping back and whipping wearers in the face. Seven people have been injured, however it is believed that hundreds, if not thousands, of others have also been injured but are too fukkin' embarrassed to tell someone that they are a fukkin' idiot!!
Oh hey... good news real parents! The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court wrote a 25 page ruling yesterday offering legal guidelines on how to spank your little fukkin' brats. They say it is completely legal to whack your Johnny or Jill as long as you use reasonable force and do not cause gross degradation or severe mental distress. What is gross degradation? Spanking a kid who has just shit his Underoos? That's fukkin' gross! It is not clear whether or not the court included a section in their ruling that says timeouts are for pussies and Democrats. So go whack your Johnnys, fellas.
Imagine if you will a trans-gender (am I supposed to hyphenate that? This is all so new) illegal immigrant woman at the White House. That's right in Obie's wheelhouse, right? I mean, she's (or he's - I don't know) got it all as far as the Democrats are concerned. Except that she had the balls (heehee... probably DOES have the balls) to loudly challenge the Prez on protecting undocumented transgendered women in custody from abuse and harassment. Obie's CLASSIC RESPONSE: "Shame on you. Listen, you're in my house. It's not respectful." HIS HOUSE??? Didn't realize douche nozzle bought the White House. Didn't even know it was for sale. When was the fukkin' closing? Psst... Obie... That is NOT your house. That is OUR house and we, unfortunately, have allowed you to live there for the past 6 years.
And lastly... the weather is still Mexican. Have you met Yanet Garcia? She says... aw, I have no idea what she says. Not sure I care.