Thursday, July 9, 2015

ESPN Goin' Nekkid Again

No bills or satellite TV offers or love letters from Shakira when I opened the mailbox yesterday.  Only a totally naked Kevin Love dribbling a basketball in the desert, apparently misunderstanding the whole "shirts vs skins" thing.  The Body issue has arrived.

Not sure how long ago ESPN The Magazine started taking pictures of athletes in their berfday suits.  Their web site says this is their seventh Body issue.  My memory only goes as far back as Gronk hiding his junk with Hulk hands.  I must say this: It's always a fascinating perusal, flipping through the images of muscled up, finely toned bodies while I sit on the couch with a box of Cheez-Its resting on my beer belly.  They call it The Body issue.  I call it the "I Got The Stones To Be Bollocky Bare-ass In Front Of A Photography Crew" issue.  These people aren't like half naked with g-strings or nipple stickers.  They are 100% au naturale.  And I've seen some of the behind the scenes videos of photo shoots.  Ya got your camera man (or woman).  Ya got your guys holding light stands or reflectors.  Your makeup people touching up the nether nethers.  Of course, there are agents and ESPN reps and probably Chris Berman hanging around making sure everything goes smoothly.

I got some takeaways from this year's issue.  And the first is Olympic gold medal winning gymnast Aly Raisman's glutes!  The curves on her physique could double for bubble wrap!  Hava nagila hubba hubba!!!


Check out her behind the scenes video;


The Body issue went heavy last year and got some acclaim when they showed the rotund Prince Fielder lookin' about 8 months preggers.  Well, they doubled up this year by giving us hammer thrower Amanda Bingson and three Colts linemen.  But I'm all in on Bingson!!  Amanda falls on the larger side of the typical female athlete, but she couldn't give a shit what you or any of us think.  She refers to her body type as "dense."  Read her interview on ESPN.com.  Two quotes jump out at ya:  "I'll be honest.  I like everything about my body.  I fluctuate between 200 and 215.  But I embrace it.  I love myself." and "You may be prettier and skinnier than me.  But I'll kick your ass in a game of one on one."   I just love this lady!!!   She was kicked off her high school volleyball team because she could not fit into those ass huggin' shorts they wear.  Coach told her to lose 30 pounds.  So she just says fuk you to everyone, embraces herself and breaks some American records in the process!!  I wanna go drinkin' with Amanda!


And my third takeway from The Body is this photo!  By far the best picture in the issue.  Three huge dudes laughing and horsing around about being naked in front of the camera!  That's right bitches!  We are large and in charge and have no plans to wash these helmets before training camp!


The final takeaway from the 2015 The Body issue is that Tyler Seguin is a duck fucker!



A few more points of note:


In case you do not subscribe to ESPN The Magazine, here is a rundown of the athletes going nakey nakey for us this year, some of whom you have never heard their name.  But they all have absolutely no problem baring their downlows for all the crew to see.  Who follows archery anyway?

Bryce Harper - baseball
Odell Beckham Jr. - football 
Aly Raisman - gymnastics
Kevin Love - basketball
Brittney Griner - basketball
DeAndre Jordan - basketball
Tyler Seguin - hockey
Sadena Parks - golf
Anthony Castonzo, Todd Herremans, Jack Mewhort - football
Natalie Coughlin - swimming
Leticia Bufoni - skateboarding
Ali Krieger - soccer
Stan Wawrinka - tennis
Gabrielle Reece - volleyball
Amanda Bingson - track and field
Dallas Friday - wakeboarding (that's a sport)
Todd Clever - rugby
Page Selenski - field hockey
Khatuna Lorig

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