Thursday, September 24, 2015

Come Get Papish With Me!!

Get yer Pope tickets here!!!  First come, first serve... come get Papish with us and you will not be sorry.  Get here early for a chance at standing directly behind the baricade and get a kinda up close view of the High Holy One.  That's right, pilgrims.  You too can be moved to tears by just a simple smile and a wave from Pope Frank.  PLUS...  A free Papal bobblehead to the first 600 Catholics to show up waving a Vatican City flag or a fist full of beads to catch a glimpse of the Mr. Hooper look-a-like.

Oh relax wafer-eaters... I'm just playing around with yer guilt ridden asses.  Lightning ain't gonna strike you down if you giggled a little bit at the "fist full of beads" comment.  This Pope is the friggin' balls!!  Seriously, he showed up in Congress and told those sunzobitches what's what!  He made Boehner cry.

All kidding aside - as you well know, I have no use for religion or any organization telling me how to get to heaven while asking me for money and unconditional loyalty.  BUT, there is something about this Pope that moves me.  I don't know what it is.  Oh, I ain't about to "pilgrimage" to a one car parade to catch a wave from a guy in a white bathrobe.  But I will watch this guy and the effect he has on his flock all day long.  I don't know if it's as simple as a study in human behavior or if it's more than that.

And it's not about just "being the Pope" either.  Because the last Pope was a douche bag.  Benedict and his gold laced beanie and creepy whatayadoing stare were not good for the church.  That dude connected with NOBODY!  He never came to the States, because we were probably beneath His Holiness and he didn't want to get any America on his $1,000 shoes.

But Pope Frank.... call me a fan!!!  I like him.


Let's Try Being Nice For A Day

We interrupt your regularly scheduled trip down Immaturity Lane to bring you a dose of class, dignity and respect.....  this is a test.  This is only a test.

I kinda like this Pope.  But why are his fans called pilgrims and not groupies?  Or Popies?   Or Poopies.   (oops, there I go again).  And why does he get to wear white after Labor Day?

Bye for now.

In the event of actual maturity and good taste, this will be followed by instructions on how to be a total bore in life.


Monday, September 21, 2015

Dear New Hampshire: SMAHTEN THE FUKKUP!!

To My Fellow Live Free or Diers (and Tom Brady),

ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR FUKKIN' MINDS?  Jeezus Harold Christ - Would ya vote for Momma June because she's not a "typical politician" either?  Thanks to many of you, the Donald has been leading the polls in our state for months.  And when asked, your standard answer is because "he says the things I have wanted to say."  Yeah, no shit.  That's why YOU are not running for President.  Because you and I like saying shit that insults, offends and inflames!  We do it for effect.  But would you want the writer of this blog to be running the fukkin' country?

This loud mouthed asshole is nothing but a sophomoric WWE character who HAS NOTHING OF SUBSTANCE to offer.  And you have him leading the polls.  Because he's loud and different.  We all agree that typical politicians on both sides of the aisle are only concerned about gaining control and staying in control.  But do you want Donald the Insulting Douche to be the face of our nation?  He's disrespectful, vulgar and stupid.

Aside from Trump, there are two other atypical politicians on the Republican side who are worth a strong look!  Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina.  Both of whom, by the way, will FUCK with the liberals' minds.  A black man and a woman.   And it appears now that Carly is moving up in the polls.

Politics aside, we also need our President to be dignified and of strong moral character.  You cannot have it both ways.  You cannot shout from the mountaintops about how Slick Willie embarrassed the office by getting his adulterous dick smoked in the Oval Office, and then place yourself in Trump's camp alongside his obnoxious insults and fuk 'em all attitude.

Just because you agree with his alleged ideas on economics and defense and foreign policy, that does not mean he will be a good President.  You might as well call me a viable candidate using that logic.

Here's the simple truth, dummies:  If Trump is the Republican nominee, I, along with many many other red card carrying loyalists, will be forced to vote for whatever asshole the Democrats have put up against him.  Frighteningly, that would include Hillary.  You know how much my ass hurt typing that???   But I would rather have a typical politician with bad policies who puts on a good face than this maniac from Atlantic City.  That's why we have checks and balances!!

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Tell Me How THIS Looks Like A Clock!!

At first blush, it sounds ridiculous, right?  A 14 year old Texas kid built his own clock at home.  He brought it in to school this Monday to impress his teacher, who immediately thought the clock could be a bomb and called the police.  Police arrested the young wizard and school officials suspended him for three days.  Social media has blown the fuk up (excuse the poor choice of words) with support for the kid and anger at the overreaction to his cute little home project, that LOOKED LIKE A FUKKIN BOMB!

After questioning the boy, police dismissed the case.  The suspension still stands but 14 year old Ahmed Mohamed is a celebrity.  He wears NASA tshirts and says his dream is to attend MIT.  In other words, he's wikkid smaht!!  He has been invited by Mark Zuckerberg to tour Facebook headquarters.  And President Obama has invited the young Muslim to the White House.

Yep, you read that correctly... it took Obie two days to reach out to Ahmed and invite him to the White House.  Still waiting on this asshole to invite the family members of executed police officers to the White House.  The divisiveness continues from this administration, yet the President is just looking at us and laughing because there is NOTHING we can do about it.

By the way, have you SEEN young Ahmed's "clock"?   You tell me...

How does THIS even resemble a clock?  If a white teen walked into a classroom with a homemade pencil sharpener that was in the shape of a fukkin' bazooka, would that be a good idea?  Would that kid be considered a "brilliant young mind?"  Would that kid be glad handing with the President?  No, because that would be just as fukkin' stupid as what Ahmed did here.  

There are two possibilities here:  The kid is as smart as everyone here alleges, which means he intentionally made his clock to look like a bomb and knew how the teacher would react.  Or the kid is so gawdam stupid that he thinks this is a clock.  If I duct tape a digital alarm clock to a fukkin' milk jug, that ain't a homemade clock.  I'm sorry people... but the school officials followed policy.  And straying from policy just because the President chimed in or because the kid wears a NASA shirt would be bad precedent.  

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

ESPN vs. The Patriots: Becoming Shameful and Embarrassing!

Maybe it's all because Bill Belichick looked Tom Jackson in the eye and said "Fuck you" on the field after the Pats 2004 Super Bowl win over the Panthers, their 3rd in 4 years.  I mean, the hatred of the Patriots by ESPN MUST have a genesis, right?  There MUST be something... the inaccuracy of Chris Mortensen and the network's refusal to acknowledge that the four letter network played an active and undeniable role in propagating the DeflateGate story only perpetuated the belief that the dillweeds in Bristol have a stick up their asses over the Patriots.  So maybe it was that moment when Hoodie refused to bow down to a has-been linebacker and his all powerful network that put the rest of the ESPNers on the warpath against the Patsies.

If you don't know that story, pull up a stool and have a listen.

At the beginning of 2003 season, Hoodie cut Lawyer Milloy 5 days before the season opener against Buffalo.  Milloy signed with the Bills the next day and helped Buffalo flat out destroy the Pats, 31-0.  Tom Jackson went on the air after that game and announced to the world that the Patriot players "hate their coach."  Kinda like Dilfer and Young telling us last year that Brady hated the ownership.

Jackson's words: "Let me say this very clearly.  They hate their coach and their season could be over."  After one game, the season was over, according to some washed up pile of vomit who later admitted that he never really talked to any Patriot players before proclaiming hatred on their behalf.  Of course, Tommy Jackoff was wrong.  So wrong.  The Patriots and their "hated" coach responded like they always respond when someone from the outside challenges their integrity.  They stomped mudholes in every team in their path.  They lost just one more game that year and beat the Panthers in the Super Bowl.  Because of Jackson's lies on the air, Belichick would not talk to ESPN that season.  But after the game, Jackson was on the field on the ESPN set with Berman and offered a congratulatory hand to Belichick.  Hoodie had just two words and no handshake for Jackson.  Fuck You.

That is all it took for ESPN to put Hoodie and the Pats in their dog house.  Belichick had the unmitigated gall to refuse ESPN interviews for an entire season.  ESPN's answer:  Just keep making up shit and manufacturing controversy.  Good for ratings, Pats be damned.

The inefficiencies and incompetency of the NFL and its legal team was on full display the last few weeks in Judge Berman's court room.  The NFL suffered an embarrassing defeat.  But today, I think ESPN is embarrassing themselves even more by drudging up Spygate once again.  Ya see, the Bristol Dinks had their hopes pinned to Goodell winning in court.  But Brady and the Pats won again.

So now, they are continuing their crusade by "reporting" that Spygate was much worse than what has been reported.  8 fukkin' years ago.  The crux of the story:  Goodell was extra hard on the Patriots this time because he helped conceal video tape evidence and was not hard enough 8 years ago.  A make up call.  Sure, that makes sense.  Assholes.

In 2007, the Patriots were caught filming Jets coaches hand signals from the sidelines during the opening game of the season.  Mind you, it was not the videotaping of the coaches that was illegal.  A team was allowed to do that from the press box and other approved locations in the stadiums.  You just could not do it from the sidelines.  So they broke the rules.  Belichick admitted to the infraction.  They were fined a first round draft pick and $750 thousand dollars.  Seems fairly hefty, but the league had sent a memo to all teams before that season warning them that they cannot tape from the sidelines.  So the Pats had to suck it up and accept their punishment.  Along with this new moniker of "CHEATERS."

Mind you, many teams were doing the same thing before that season.  Which is why the league sent the memo.  Today's ESPN report claims that the Pats recorded coaches signals as many as 40 games before that season.  I don't doubt that.  Because it seems EVERY team was doing it.  AND BECAUSE BELICHICK ACKNOWLEDGED THAT FACT at the end of the 2007 season.. that they had taped "significant number of games."  So this is not really news.  After the memo was sent out, the Pats did it one more time, got caught, and served the punishment.  Today's story talks about the Pats having diagrams of Steelers defensive signals.  Um... that's not cheating.  If you cannot change your signals or if they are that easy to decode, then it's you who sucks.  Sorry.

Hell... the Patriots win because they work harder, prepare more and flat out do it better.  Ask Reggie Wayne.  That do-nothing stat padder wanted no part of playing in New England, which is why he asked to be released.  He said playing for the Patriots was "too tough" and "not fun."  And THAT'S why you suck, good sir.  Because you don't try hard enough.

ESPN just shamelessly reports shit that does not fukkin' exist.  A few weeks ago, ESPN allowed TWO of their on-air personalities to unequivocally report that the Patriots were found to have video taped a Rams walk-through practice prior to the 2001 Super Bowl.  Ignoring the fact that the Boston Herald story that originally reported that story in 2007 was retracted and proven to be false.  When called on it, ESPN issued a midnight apology for misrepresenting the story.

But whattaya know... IN TODAY'S report on, those assholes just keep on keepin' on.  Unbelievably, they reference that untrue story once again.  From the story:

A former member of the NFL competition committee says the committee spent much of 2001-06 "discussing ways in which the Patriots cheated," even if nothing could be proved. It reached a level of paranoia in which conspiracy theories ran wild and nothing -- the notion of bugging locker rooms or of Brady having a second frequency in his helmet to help decipher the defense -- was out of the realm of possibility. There were regular rumors that the Patriots had taped the Rams' walk-through practice before Super Bowl XXXVI in February 2002, one of the greatest upsets in NFL history, a game won by the Patriots 20-17 on a last-second Adam Vinatieri field goal. 

They admit that nothing could be proved, yet also rely on "regular rumors" to make their story.  No fukkin' shame!!!  They ADMITTED TWO FUKKIN WEEKS AGO THAT THERE WAS NO TRUTH TO THE STORY OF TAPING THE RAMS PRACTICE!  Yet, they just throw that nugget into their story because it furthers their agenda.

The story quotes a "source close to the Panthers" regarding the 2004 Super Bowl.

"Our players came in after that first half and said it was like [the Patriots] were in our huddle," a Panthers source says.  "Do I have any tape to prove they cheated?" this source says. "No. But I'm convinced they did it."

Oh, I didn't know you were CONVINCED.  That's different!!  Gawdam cheaters.

Just to remind everyone what happens around here....  In 2003, Tom Jackson told the world the Pats hated their coach.  Pats lost just one game after that and won the Super Bowl.  In 2007, The Jets, Rams and others claim the Pats are cheaters.  The Pats won 18 straight games and were just a velcro sticker on a helmet away from another championship.   In 2014, Steve Young and Trent Dilfer told the world that Tom Brady was in decline and that he was angry with the front office.  Pats went 13-2 after that and won another Super Bowl.

So keep it up ESPN!  We can just build more trophy cases.  Assholes!  You just keep paying guys like Ray Lewis and Cris Carter while shouting about integrity.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Brady Ruling Vacated! ESPN To Appeal?

To the Gingah Hammah...  how you like the feel of balls bouncin' off your chin, Douchey McDouchebag?

First.... let's cue the Victory Dance!!!

Rodjah got slapped silly today by the good judge from NYC.  Not necessarily because TMFB is innocent (I insist that he is, by the way).  But because Goodell is a power-delusional fuck knob who thinks he can just wield supreme executive power because some watery tart threw a sword at him (thanks Dennis, Monty Python and the Holy Grail - you didn't bother to ask, did you?).

In case you missed it, the world is round, Kanye's a prick and TMFB is playing next week.  That's because Judgey Wudgey Dick Berman did not think much of the NFL's ahem "independent" investigation and ensuing arbitration circle jerk.  That's also because, as John Harbaugh can attest, Brady and the Pats know the rule book better than ANYONE.  And they don't have to tell you what they know until they have used that knowledge to pummel you into submission.

It was not eligible receiver formations this time.  It was understanding the term "fundamental fairness" as it applies in federal statutes to judicial analysis of arbiter findings.  Much like the Ravens had no fukkin' clue who to cover and why back in January, NFL attorneys and their carrot topped leader were completely blindsided by "fundamental fairness."   And Judge Berman beat 'em over the head with the Terrell Suggs Ugly Stick for being such morons.

Editah-in-Cheef with today's decision from the Most Honorable Richard Berman
I read the 40 page decision so you won't have to.  Unless of course you want ten minutes of alone time with some amazing sports porn.  Then go find it and read it.  But let me give you the crib notes:
Tom Brady's suspension is vacated effective immediately.  Roger Goodell and his attorneys are fence-post stupid.  The Clerk is respectfully requested to close cases 15 Civ. 5916 and 15 Civ. 5982.
The judge took a shit on the appeal hearing for three reasons:  1) Inadequate notice to Brady of both his potential discipline and his alleged misconduct (He was never told he could be suspended for failing to cooperate); 2) Denial of opportunity for Brady to question a lead investigator (He was not allowed to call Dan Pash during the appeal); and 3) Denial of equal access to files, notes and witnesses during the appeal.  So basically, Goodell, Wells, Pash et al set out to corn hole Brady with a splintered stick, fundamental fairness be damned!!

The beauty of this is that the NFL was the fukkin' PLAINTIFF in this case.  That's because they were so afraid of the NFLPA filing an appeal in Minnesota that they ran their little asses up the street to Judge Berman's court and filed their complaint first.  You read that right... after "winning" the appeal, Goodell filed a complaint with the courts, just so that he could control where the case would be heard.  Dumb fuck!!

Goodell has a bigger sense of invincibility than the friggin' Clintons.  Word is out that he is appealing.  Unbelievable.  Maybe someone should have educated Dirty Red in the basic unavoidable rules of life:  death, taxes, Lindsay Lohan relapses and TOM BRADY DOES NOT LOSE!!!!   Well, unless you have velcro on your helmet.

To my knowledge, there is no truth to the rumor that immediately upon hearing the decision, ESPN announced that they would appeal the decision to the highest courts.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

A Month After Approving Drilling In Alaska, He Does This

July 21, 2015:  President B. Hussein Obama approves Royal Dutch Shell's permit to begin drilling for oil off Alaska's Arctic coast.

August 31, 2015:  President B. Hussein Obama jumps on Air Force One and flies 3,365 miles to Alaska, spewing jet fuel and greenhouse gases all the way, to talk about climate change.

September 1, 2015:  President B. Hussein Obama whips on his coolest north country jacket and shades to tell Alaskans that climate change is really REALLY worrisome.  Then he poses for some photos with scenery and park rangers.  Yahoo headline reports "In Climate Bid, Obama Stares Down Melting Glacier" as if he's at a fukkin' heavyweight weigh-in before the big fight.

At some point this week, B. Hussein is gonna rename Mount McKinley to Denali.  He might even rub noses with an eskimo or mush a husky from a sled.  And then he's gonna fly another 3,365 miles on Air Force One back to DC to plan his Labor Day trip to the Vineyard.  Way too fukkin' busy to comment on the execution of police officers.