Monday, September 28, 2015

MMLS: Hey League, Are You Paying Attention??

G'mornin' and Gaw Bless!  The Pope is back in Rome and the Monday Morning Long Snappah is back to work recrappin' Patriots action for all y'all.

The Tom Brady 2015 How Do My Balls Taste Now Tour was back at the Razor yesterday and brought their unique brand of whoop-assery onto the sorry souls that are the Jacksonville Jaguars.  Those cute little fellas in their pretty helmets came to Foxboro feeling pretty sassy after dropping the Miami Dolphins last week.  Maybe they were a different Jaguar team this year.  Maybe the quarterback with the prep school name (Blake Bortles) could lead them to a .500 season.  But reality kicked 'em all in the boy beans when they saw a real team on the other side of the ball and when the 'phins proved to be barely a JV team - they lost to Buffalo by 30 points.

Brady is simply in another world right now.  He's on a pace to pass for 6,000 yards and 50 touchdowns.  And even though last year proved that the first four games don't mean a spoonful of shit in the grand scheme of shitdom, something is different about how these boys are playing.  They are fukkin' angry and it shows.  I don't want a bye week.  I want to keep the train rolling.  One can only hope that ESPN has another make believe story about video cameras and air pressure and unnamed sources.  Keep fueling the fire, bitches!!!

Yesterday's beatdown was named the "Who The Hell Is Keshawn Martin Episode" - seriously... when the fuk did we get this guy?  Aw, it doesn't mattah.  Seasoned Pats fans understand that we may never see Martin again... must I remind you when we all had boners for the deep threat of Brian Tyms???  It doesn't mattah!!  Jonas Gray?  Zach Sudfeld?  Who was that other fukkin' guy we stole we from the Giants?  The tight end?  Aw shit... IT DOESN'T MATTAH!!!

The only negative in yesterday's game was the absent minded Danny Amendumdum who gave away Brady's 400th touchdown ball to a fan in the front row.  Of course, when asked, Brady was like, "I don't care.  Danny can do whatever he wants."  Ya know why Brady didn't care?  Because he knows there's gonna be a 500th touchdown ball one day.  And because the only ball he really wants is the sterling silver one that sits atop a three sided stand and is given out every February.  So he can shove it up Goodell's ass on national television in a confetti storm.

Lost yesterday in the hooplah of TMFB's 400th touchdown pass was Stephen Gostkowski's 424th consecutive extra point, an NFL record.  This fukkin' guy has not missed an extra point since 2006.  He has led the league in scoring the last three seasons.  He is the all-time scoring leader in Patriots history.  He has made 87% of his field goals in 9 seasons.  Compare that to Adam Vinatieri's 81% success rate in his 10 seasons with the Pats.  It took playing in a dome in Indy for Vinatieri to reach 85%.   Yet, because G-ski has not won a playoff game or Super Bowl with a last second kick, he will never match Vinatieri in the minds of Pats fans.  And that's okay with me.  But make no mistake about it...  when the Pats released Vinatieri in favor of Gostkowski, the Pats actually got better in the kicking game.  More touchbacks.  More field goals made.  More points.

I sure would have liked to be a fly on the wall last night when Rex Ryan checked the stat sheet and found out that the Pats RAN THE BALL 32 times yesterday?  Here is what I would have heard:  "Oh sure, big brave Belichick runs against the Jaguars, but is too chicken shit to run against my defensive line.  Hey honey, can you stir my drink with your toes?  I love you."  

LaGarette Roll Me A Blount reappeared yesterday and served notice to Indianapolis for game #5 when he bulled his way into the endzone three times.  If you think the Patriots have been lighting it up so far, just wait until they get into Indianapolis!  The Colts are gonna feel like they are in the middle of an Under Armour commercial with a thousand Tom Brady's beating the fukkin' snot out of them.

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