Monday, September 21, 2015

Monday Morning Long Snappah: Ya Want An Apple Pie With That Shit Sammitch?!

Confucious say "If you talk too much shit, you leave a little in your mouth and you end up eating it."  Methinks Confucious was one wise muthafukka who channeled a certain foot loving head coach back in the day.

The Pats went up to Buffalo yesterday and stomped on the nuts of those fukkin' blabbahmouths and their fans, who possess an awful lot of bravado for a team that has not sniffed a playoff game since Bill Clinton was livin' on Pennsylvania Ave.  Yes, the strip sack and 19 points allowed in the fourth gave the fans a temporary boner and was a buzzkill to what could have been a complete and total in your face performance.  But in the end, the defense that made no plays in the that last quarter came up huge with Logan Ryan's game sealin' pick of Tyrod Taylor.  From there, it was take a knee and shaddupaya face!

Tommy Muthafukkin Brady tossed his perfectly legally inflated football for 466 yards and three touchdowns.  Dion Lewis gained 138 all purpose yards.  The Gronkapotamus had a "quiet" day with seven catches for 113 yards and a touchdown.  Edeleman had 11 catches for almost a hundred yards and Aaron Dobson showed up with four HUGE stick movin' catches for 87 yards.  The Pats punted just ONCE - on their first drive of the game.  Offensively, TMFB and the boys were beasts.

Brady dropped back to pass 61 friggin' times!!  Belichick's game plan was obvious.  Render Buffalo's vaunted defensive line irrelevant by ignoring the running game and just airing it out.  Ryan has been puffin' out his chest about his big four defensive linemen since July.  They have doled out $260 million in contracts to Mario Williams, Kyle Williams, Marcel Dareus and Jerry Hughes.  Pregame, the four were announced together as if they were some kind of new age Steel Curtain.  What Ryan seems to forget is that the Pats plan for their opponents.  Oh sure, it might be almost impossible to run against those guys.  Belichick says, so why bother?  Especially when you have three rookie offensive linemen and the GOAT under center.

Ryan was obviously a bit testy after the game, although he did acknowledge that he was outcoached by Hoodie.  No shit, Sherlock!  In the week leading up to the game, Ryan brushed off the potential of Dion Lewis, claiming, "We're not going to focus on that kid.  I can't even tell you the kid's name."  After Lewis gained 138 yards, including 98 in the air, someone asked Ryan what he thought about Lewis now.  He angrily replied "I still don't know his name.  Next time, run the ball!"

Therein lies the difference between being a good coach and giving a good press conference.  Belichick looked at the Bills defense and planned accordingly.  Ryan, on the other hand, built his team to stop the run, which does you no good when the other guy does not run.  By the tone in his comments, Ryan was actually insulted that the Patriots only ran the ball 15 times.  Fukkin' dummy!  Do we expect the NFL to investigate the Patriots for refusing to run the ball.  Because like John Harbaugh says, you never see a team do that.

And howzabout that offensive line?  Three rookies on the inside.  Of the 61 times Brady dropped back, he was sacked twice and only hit FIVE TIMES.  One of those sacks was actually a coverage sack on a Brady scramble where he slid just short of the line of scrimmage.  They gave that sack to Mario Williams because he was closest to Brady when he slid.  That's a $260 million d-line that could not get around a bunch of rookies.  No wonder Ryan was pissy.

The defense was AWESOME for three quarters.  Sure, that first drive was worrisome and LeSean McCoy looked like he was going to gain 200 yards by the end of the game.  But after that, Matt Patricia's crew shut the fukkin' door and chased Tyrod Taylor all over the place.  Taylor's passing numbers were good enough - he was 23 for 30 with three touchdowns.  But he also threw three picks and was sacked 8 times.  He spent the whole afternoon shitting his pants under pressure.  The kid ain't ready.  Of course, the Pats went to the dreaded prevent defense in the fourth.  That paired with their stubborn refusal to run the ball with a 24 point lead allowed the Bills to get back in the game.  But in the end, it was the same ol' same ol'.  The Pats came off the field winners against the Bills.  They are like 24-3 in the past 27 games.  But you keep yappin' Bills fans.  You keep making cute little cheater signs.  And we'll keep watching our team kick your pitiful asses.

Scary Moment
There was a frightening moment during the game when Bills safety Aaron Williams was taken off the field in an ambulance for a neck injury.  Word from Buffalo is that he is fine.  He was evaluated at the hospital and released with just his butt hurt.  I'm glad that he is okay and there was nothing catastrophic.  Because today I can shit all over his ass!!   This little fukker was yapping all week about how he did not like the Patriots.

"I hate New England.  It's definitely personal for me," Williams said on Thursday.  
When asked why, he said it was "just the way they carry themselves on the field and stuff."

That's awful ironic coming from a guy who picked up two 15 yard penalties in the first half, one for taunting and a personal foul for hitting Edelman after the play.  By the way, his taunting penalty was for when he got in the face of his former teammate Scott Chandler.  Seems to me SOMEBODY has to fix how he carries himself on the field.  Little bitch.

We'll Cover Gronk
Ryan talked about covering Gronk with King Kong.  But the 82 year old undrafted free agent from Skull Island could not get a work visa in time, which left Sexy Rexy to try to cover Gronk with itty bitty defensive backs and sludge slow linebackers.  Oh, but they thought they could do it.

Cornerback Stephon Gilmore said, "I hope I get Gronk, to be honest with you...I want him."

Here Gilmore is (#24) after lining up on Gronk at the 5 yard line.  I think he's saying "Wuh happened?"

How'd that work out for ya?

We'll Be Loud
The Buffalo fans raised enough money and enough signatures to invite the Guinness Book of World Records out to the game on Sunday.  They promised noise that would rival Kansas City.  Belichick said during the week that it would be as loud as the Patriots allow it to be.  In other words, if they get out to a lead and play well, the fans will be out of the game.  Rex thought that was pretty good bulletin board material, so he hung his hat on that, trying to use a manufactured over-confidence on the Pats behalf to stoke the flames.  But by the end of the third quarter, fans were headed to their cars.  They gave it their best, but like their football team, the fans lost the big one.

Penalties
This is why Rex Ryan is a coach who will just never get it.  He didn't learn from his time in New Jersey.  Instead of controlling his team's emotions, he fans them.  And he ends up with what happened on Sunday.  A team out of control.  14 penalties for 140 yards, many of them the 15 yard unsportsmanlike variety on special teams.  Of course, Bills fans are claiming the refs were the difference, ignoring the fact that the Pats were whistled for 11 penalties and 119 yards.  It was an ugly game.  But the bottom line is that Buffalo went backwards for 193 yards yesterday (53 yards worth of sacks) and ya just cannot win when you go backwards.

VICTORY DANCE
As always, we reserve a special victory dance for wins over Rex Ryan.  Usually it involves man boobs and belly fat.  Gisele will be back next week.

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