Monday, September 14, 2015
NFL Sunday In Review: Eli Is A Doofus!!!
That sound you heard Thursday night was the last dying breath of the baseball season. Pull the plug already - because nobody gives a bag of pickle dicks about the Pirates/Brewers series, Blue Jays power or the Houston Ain't In The NL Anymore When Did That Happen Astros. That's because our Saturdays and Sundays are now filled with zone blitzes, bubble screens, Gronk spikes, Lee Corso, Carrie Underwood and the Manning brothers sucking. Thaaaaat's right... it's the foozball season, Bobby Boucher! It's the devil and it's got me by the medulla oblongata.
The Enn Eff Ell got underway in full effect this weekend and the stoopidity on display only served to reaffirm that guys like Tomlin, Harbaugh, Carroll and the rest of the coaching hierarchy had better start worrying about calling fukkin' plays instead of worrying about bugged locker rooms and soft balls.
Let's start with my favorite moment of the weekend, shall we? And that's the short bus shenanigans that went on in the Giants huddle with under two minutes to go and on the Cowboys 5 yard line with a three point lead. A touchdown puts the Giants up by 10. The Cowboys have no timeouts and would need TWO possessions and TWO scores. So Blank Stare Eli told his running back Rashad Jennings NOT TO SCORE. Because I guess he preferred to run the clock, get a field goal and go up by 6 with 40 seconds left? So, Jennings did what he was told.. he was stopped at the one yard line on two straight runs. The clock continued to tick. Okay... at least the Giants will run it one more time on third down, and run another 45 seconds off the clock. Then they would kick the field goal with approximately 45 seconds left.
HAH!! That's what one would THINK was going to happen. Except Eli decided to roll out of the pocket and throw the ball into the first row. STOPPING THE FUKKING CLOCK with 1:30 left. Peyton's little brother could have taken a sack and kept the clock running. But nope. Guess Bad Comedian Eli Manning took over. Of course, you know what happens. Tony Blomo got the ball back with 1:27 left, marched down the field and threw the game winning touchdown to Jason Witten. Hey Giants fans... that's your $21 million per year quarterback right there. The guy who has not been to the playoffs in 4 years, but makes a pissah Direct TV commercial.
Editah's Lament: Why couldn't Bad Comedian Eli Manning have shown up in the Super Bowls?
Then there was Mile High Shit Show, aka The Pick Six Parade!! This was a quarterback duel for the ages where both Peyton Manning and Joey Flaccid threw touchdown passes to the other team to account for the only touchdowns of the game. The Elder Manning seems to be picking up right where he left off... missing open receivers, collapsing under pressure. I'll give him this... he can still yell "OMAHA" with the best of them. Flacco and Manning combined for three interceptions and no touchdowns. Add their quarterback rating together and you get 98.1. Just 43 behind TMFB this week. (AND 55 behind rookie Marcus Mariota).
Speaking of Mariota, he did nothing but take Fraudulent Jameis Winston to school once again. The last time these two faced each other, Mariota went on to the national championship game while Winston was doing the Sanchez, picking his ass up off the turf. Yesterday, Marcus was brilliant. Jameis... not so much. His very first pass was a pick six. He threw two picks and fumbled twice. Not sure if he yelled "F*** her in the p***y" but he certainly looked like he spent all summer eating hot crab legs. Heard today that Winston is 26-0 against every other quarterback and 0-2 against Mariota. Heeee
And lastly, Coach of the Century Petey Carroll was at it again. This time, he thought it a good idea to onside kick to start overtime, giving the Rams the ball in field goal range already. I nearly pissed myself laughing at the I'm A Dumb Fuk look on his gum chewing face. Oh, but then it got better. The Rams took the lead with a field goal. But with the new rule, the Seahawks would get once chance to tie or win. It was 4th and 1 from the Rams 43. Wilson handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch, you know, because he is BEAST MODE and he would have won the Super Bowl had he run it. Oh, but wait. Lynch was stuffed short and the game was over. POETIC JUSTICE right there. At least Carroll can take solace in the fact that... oh never mind. He's an idiot.
That's all for now... gotta get ready for a week of listening to Rex Ryan strut like a well hung cock in a hen house. Until Sunday night that is.