Friday, October 30, 2015

Long Snappah: Pats Stomp The Fighting Campbells!!

Hello Mr. Campbell?  This is Reality calling.  What you saw last night.. that's what the big boys do.  Bet you miss the good ol' days when you used to whoop up on Titans and Texans!

Coach Meathead and his band of make believe football players came into the Rayzah last night with the hopes of slaying the AFC Beast!  One slight problem, Mongo....  coaching football ain't about who says "dude" the most nor is it a snot rocket distance contest.

It was cute and all that the rest of the country thought that the 'phins "had something going" under interim coach Dan and his Fighting Campbells.  But in all seriousness... what kind of fukkin' joke are the Dolphins?  If you are to believe the hype that the Dolphins are playing with toughness and heart under their new coach, then the only other conclusion you can draw from that is that they were intentionally mailing it in under Joe Philbin.  And THAT should piss off the Miami fans.

TMFB is seven games into his 2015 Lick My Taint Tour and he just keeps on keeping on.  Ya want a picture of exactly how much awesome sauce has been poured over Mr. Bundchen this year?  Going into this season, the player commonly accepted as the greatest quarterback to ever have played the game had a career passer rating of 96.6.  This season, the GOAT's rating sits at 115.8.  Safe to say that this seven game performance is BETTER than the greatest.  And that ought to tighten up the balloon knots of the rest of the NFL.  All Brady did last night was toss for 356 yards and 4 scores.  Gronkasaurus seemed like he spent most of the game pass blocking and keeping Donkey Kong Suh away from Brady's knees.  Buts somehow he ended up with 113 yards receiving and a touchdown.

That first quarter 47 yard touchdown was vintage Gronk and while everybody pointed out his open field speed and Brandon LaFell's "blackout" block on Grimes, I would like you to take note of something else on that play.  Something that goes to show that ain't nobody slowin' down the Gronk Train.  As Gronk was turning up field, LaFell had knocked his defender (#22) to the ground before peeling off to make the vicious block on Grimes.  Watch that play again and this time pay attention to #22.  He is on LaFell at the top of the screen in this video.  Check him out as Gronk is rumbling toward him at full speed... that little fukker WANTS NO PART OF GETTING GRONKED!!  He slyly and safely stays away until the tight end is past him and THEN he makes chase.  CLASSIC!!

The offense is obvious.  But howzabout that defense last night?  While the Pats were initially struggling to score (5 straight possessions without scoring a touchdown in first half), the defense made sure that Tannehill could not see straight and they rendered the alleged wunderkind Jarvis Landry with spaghetti dick.  At some point this season, the analysts are going to have to start talking about how gawdam beastly the Pats front four has become.  Lamar Miller had 175 yards last week.  He had 15 yards last night.  Forget taking it outside against Nink and Jones, cuz they ain't having it.  The Pats held the Dolphins to just 74 yards in the first half when the game was in doubt.  5 sacks from Jones & Co., including a safety sack from McCourty!!!  Sure, the corners are still the weakness, but it doesn't seem to matter much when the other team is too busy crapping its pants at the site of the Flying Elvis!

Save a horse!  Ride a Dolphin!!
Giddy-up Ry Ry!!
Time for some victory dancing...  before that, let's gawk in amazement first at how the Pats have done at home against the AFC East in the last 40 division encounters at Gillette:   They are 39-1 with that one loss being the Everybody Sits Game last year against the Bills in Week 16.

Okay, LET'S DANCE!!!

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Doubling Down On Pussification Today

Ya know those faded blue Chuck Taylor's you have stuffed away in your closet behind your paisley luggage and a dusty exercise ball?  Well, don't you dare think about putting those babies on and walking into a California school.  That's because those canvas beauties with the red star on the outside ankle would be deemed "gang-related" in this nation of pussies in which we live.  You think I'm fukkin' with ya?  

A 12 year old honors student was sent home from school with a dress code violation for wearing this shirt:

Administrators tell us that the shirt is deemed "gang-related" because of the star in the upper left of the design.  They claim that because the star is associated with the Norteno gang, this shirt blurs the line between free speech and safety.  SAFETY???  Holy fukkin' shit!!  So, because some collection of northern California drug runners with a gang code have associated themselves with a star, honor students wearing stars on shirts bought at fukkin' Kohl's are sent home?  Good thing Converse sneakers and Starter jackets are out of style.   

Oh... and the other pussified bullshit that made the news this week, of course coming from MSNBC.  Melissa Harris-Perry has a Saturday show on MSNBC.  Obviously because Saturday is the wasteland of news shows, where talent-less hacks go to spew idiocy.  Harris-Perry was interviewing someone named Alfonso Aguilar about Paul Ryan.  Aguilar described Ryan as a "hard worker" in Washington.  Harris-Perry stopped Aquilar in his tracks to caution him about using the term "hard worker" so freely.  Because, according to this fukkin' crazy ass bitch, that term is offensive to slaves and working women.  HUH?   I got nothing else ... read the interview for yourself HERE.

Saturday, October 24, 2015


Arriba! Arriba! Andale! Andale!  Hurricane Patricia has made landfall in Mayheeco.  Hold on to yer sombreros, board up your pueblos and grab yer jumpin' beans!  She's a nasty beetch.

Mexican government officials are putting their emergency preparedness to the test this weekend.  Patricia is hammerin' 'em with 160 mph winds and Angry God type rains.  Residents are preparing for widespread damage, power outages and complete and total fukkery.  I sure hope they have protected their most important citizens... please keep the weather girls safe from harm!

How do you know she's NOT talking about the hurricane?

Shitz n' Giggles has created a gofundme page for the Weather Girl Hurricane Relief Fund.  We will use all proceeds to fly Mayta, Yanet, Keren and Sugey and all of their colleagues to the safe haven of the Granite State.  Just look at these faces.  I can almost hear Sara McLachlan, can't you?  How can you turn your back in their time of need?  For just $1.35 a day, you can fill my office with las meteorologistas!!  And save a life at the same time.

Yanet Garcia
Estefania Caballero
Keren Rios
Mary Gamarra
Mayta Carranco
Sugey Abrego
Susana Almeida

Monday, October 19, 2015

MMLS: Pats Winning Head Games Like A Boss

It wasn't the punch in the manjunk that I wanted.  But it was a win.  The city that REFUSES to let the air pressure story go away deserved a 60 spot on their "Fuck The Pats Party."  But since we only put up 34 points and won by a touchdown, I guess the next best thing would be to make complete fukkin' fools of themselves with some kind of Lonesome Polecat Head Up My Ass formation on 4th and 3.  That was a whole bowl of sweetness soaked in awesome sauce!  It out-classes the Butt Fumble in the world of stupid plays because this one was done ON PURPOSE!  It also proves that the Pats ARE IN THE HEADS OF EVERY TEAM THEY FACE!  Instead of just playing the football game, opposing coaches are trying to out-smaht the smahtest!  And it's becoming embarrassing.  Tomlin whined about headsets.  Ryan whined about them not running the football.  Harbaugh.. well, he just whines.

Look at that hot mess last night at the end of the third quarter and imagine yourself a gnat nesting in Pagano's head.  This is what you heard:
"I got an idea.  Let's not punt.  Instead, let's move everyone wide right except a wide receiver and a running back.  Let's even put the punter way back like he is in punt formation even though the ball is across the field.  And then let's have the wide receiver be the center and the running back be the quarterback.  Oh.....oh... and then, when the Pats move four guys over the ball, let's snap it anyway!  They'll never expect that.  And I will be CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!"   
Pagano!!!  Hard on!!  Here's another idea... try an onside kick in the first half.

As Pats fans, Hoodie gives us adjustments to 2-9 defenses, 4 tight end sets, eligible tackles and ineligible running backs and lots of wins.  Pagano gives Colts fans....the Swinging Fukkin' Gate, a play that doesn't even work in Pop Warner.  But hey, they were leading at halftime, so might as well raise another banner.  And let's extend a big fat Go Fuk Yourself to Ryan Grigson, the Indy media and those sorry fans who thought a deflated football cake was gonna get them the win.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Hillary's Pants Are Still On Fire!!!

You all remember Brian Williams, right?  The dude who was fired from his job as a news anchor because he made up some stories about crash landing in a Chinook chopper under enemy fire and some other fukkin' nonsense because he wanted to exaggerate his importance in this world.  Yeah, that dick.

But I wonder if you remember this story from the last time this fukkin' corrupt lying bag of douche drizzle ran for President.  During a campaign speech on foreign policy in 2008, trying to make a case that she somehow gained some foreign policy experience while her husband was banging interns at the office, Hillary shared this story of a visit to Bosnia in 1996:
"I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."  Clinton added that the feeling in the White House at the time of her visit was “if a place was too small, too poor, or too dangerous, the president couldn’t go, so send the First Lady.”
The day after telling this story, Hillary was asked again about that trip to Bosnia 12 years earlier.
"There was no greeting ceremony, and we were basically told to run to our cars.  Now, that is what happened."
But ya see, Hillary fans... that never happened.  Just like Whitewater, email servers and the fake concussion to avoid Benghazi, her pants are always on fukkin' fire!!  Oh, she landed in Bosnia for sure.  And she walked along the tarmac and was given a poem by a little girl.  Video footage confirms that.  So a week later, Hillary had to confess her sins.  And she actually tried to categorize her lying as evidence that she was a normal person.  She claimed that she "mis-spoke" and said she meant that she was told there COULD be a THREAT of sniper fire.
"So I made a mistake.  That happens.  It shows I'm human, which for some people is a revelation."
MADE A MISTAKE???  You don't make mistake about being under sniper fire.  You either dodged bullets or you didn't.  You did not misspeak!  YOU LIED!  Like Brian Williams lied.  Williams' lies made him unfit to be a news anchors. But Hillary's library of lies somehow makes her human and a good choice to lead our country!  Fukkin' unbelievable.

Remember when she was on the Today Show a week after 9/11 and told us all that Chelsea was jogging around the World Trade Center and ducked into a coffee shop just before the first plane hit, a move that saved her life?  Yeah, that didn't happen either.

And when she told us all that she and Billy were "dead broke" when they left the White House?

And that she only used one email server.

Oh yeah... and when she told us that the US Embassy in Libya was attacked in response to a "disgusting video on YouTube" when in fact she and her advisers had already been informed that a terrorist group had claimed responsibility for the attack.

Oh, she's a fukkin' beauty!  But you are all still gonna vote for her.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Friday Bitchin! Enough Fukkin' Pumpkin!!

I just love fall... or "Autumn" as they call it in the douchebaggery world of parlors and cul-de-sacs.  (It's a fukkin' living room and it's a dead end, assholes!)  I love the cool mornings and brisk sunny afternoons, college football on Saturdays and Patriot ass whoopins on Sundays.  I like throwin' on a pair of old Levis, a flannel shirt and some fukkin' boots and hangin' outside for those final days before that fukkin' snow starts cornholin' our world.

But ya know what I couldn't give two shits about?  Foliage!  Jeezus Harold Christ!  What the fuk makes people so gawdam giddy about looking at dying leaves?   Oh, that's right.  It's nature's canvas.  It's a reminder of God's awesomeness.  Yeah, like God is some kinda fukkin' Bob Ross or something.  When I want to be reminded of His awesomeness, I just think of yoga pants, squeeze cheese and Carl's Junior commercials.  You can have your plethora of orange, red and burnt fukkin' sienna from an observation point on the Kangamangus Highway.  I'll behold the wonders of the Lord by watching Kate Upton do the Cat Daddy.

Another thing I don't get about this season... why everything is fukkin' pumpkin flavored!!  From pumpkin muffins to pumpkin coffee to fukkin' pumpkin beer.  When the fuk did this happen?  Last week, someone tried to offer me pumpkin whoopie pies!  This fukkery is out of control.  Oh, and now, you ain't nothin' unless you get a Shipyahd Pumpkin Head draft beer with a sticky fukkin' rim of cinnamon sugar and a shot of vanilla vodka dropped in.  Cuz nothing screams fall like sippin' squash flavored beer from a pint glass like it is some kind of blue collar marga-fukkin'-rita!  I know this much... if you are ordering a Drunken Pumpkin, you ain't no fukkin' lumberjack!!

Speakin' of pumpkins.. what the fuk is with all these fancy pants jack-o-lanterns people are carving these days?  In my day, ya take a gawdam steak knife, cut two triangles for eyes, one triangle for the nose and a half-moon with two teeth for the mouth.  You stuck a fukkin' candle in the thing and BOOM it was Halloween!  Now it's fukkin' art class with paper stencils, special little carving tools and paint.  Ya see witches, bats and cartoon character faces carved into pumpkins now.  Why are you carving a scene from the Headless Horseman into a gourd?  Are you gonna win some kind of "Best Pumpkin On The Street" award?  Put a fukkin' tea lite at the bottom and finish your Christmas shopping already!!

Monday, October 12, 2015

MMLS: Patsies Shrug Off Cowboys Defense

TMFB and his How's My Ass Taste Now Tour check in at the quarter pole with nary a scratch on the record, although certainly with some ouchies this fine fall Foxboro morning.  Next up, the Circle Game against those whiny little bitches in Indianapolis.  Word of advice to Ryan Grigson -  better get in some extra yoga classes, cuz you're about to be bent over in the downward dog and have a 12.5 psi Roger Goodell autographed Wilson suppository sweep out your fukkin' innards!

Back to yesterday... Greg Hardy reminded us that beating up women is not his only specialty.  Fukker is a beast and spins linemen like blindfolded Mexican kids looking for the pinata.  Hardy spent the first half punching his dance card for Tommy Boy, seemingly on a mission to get a sniff of Gisele.  The Cowboys showed the Pats a brand new look and the result was a shit ton of pressure and 5 sacks in the first half.  But Obi Wan Kabelichick and Yoda McDaniels did what they always do... They ADJUSTED.  They brought in tight end Michael Williams and Scott Chandler to beef up whatever side Hardy lined up.  They rotated their tackles to keep them fresh.  They balanced their attack by running nearly as often as they passed.  The result was 206 yards of offense in the second half with NO SACKS.  The stat line shows that the Cowboys only had 8 quarterback hits for the entire game.  Damn, it seemed more like 18 hits.  But that means at most, Brady was only touched 3 times in the second half.  To the other 31, you just keep on bitching about headsets, stealing signals and deflated footballs.  Hoodie will just keep on adjusting on your sorry asses and embarrassing the fuk out of you.  And he will keep on signing guys that other teams don't want and turn those dudes into STUDS.  Dion Lewis was not good enough to make the Cleveland fukkin' Browns two years ago.  Today, he is 10th in the NFL in yards per game with 104.5.  I guess you can say that sometimes the Patriots DO go into the dumpsters of other teams and turn their trash into gold.

This is how good the Patriots are...  the eyeball test says that the Cowboys beat the shit out of the Pats physically.  Brady faced more pressure yesterday than he has all season.  They had two huge plays called back because of that fukkin' pick play.  AND THEY STILL WON BY 24 POINTS!!!

Phil Simms and Jim Nance spent the first half rubbing one out over the rookie corner out of UConn who was covering Gronk.  Sure, the kid stayed with Gronk all over the field.  There were no wide open seam routes yesterday.  But come on man!  The kid was cute and all.  But when it came time to man up (or Gronk Up as they say), Jones was more like a shit kernel hanging on for dear life.  Gronk had four catches for 67 yards, including THROWING JONES OUT THE CLUB along the sidelines for a 33 yard gain.  Give me a fukkin' break man.  You can't put a corner on Gronk.  And you can't put a linebacker on Gronk.  The Colts might wanna sign a free agent stripper with big ol' titties to play corner next week.  But I gotta tell you... Gronk would run her the fuk over too.  Bidness is bidness!!

The story yesterday was the Pats defense!  Sure, Brandon Wheeden runs a whisky dick offense with absolutely no teeth.  But the Pats still held them to SIX 3 and outs in the first half.  The Cowboys had 260 yards of total offense, but 74 of them came on the last drive while the Pats were in prevent.  Jabaal Sheard was in the backfield all day and Jamie Collins just keeps getting better and better.

Hey Indy... are you paying attention?  You should be.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

If Hardy Is Still Looking For Gisele, I Found Her.

So happy to bring you this week's Hey Greg Hardy You Can't Beat This Woman Victory Dance! 

Friday, October 9, 2015

Anyone Know If Chandler Jones Can Skate??

Help Wanted:  Local professional hockey club seeking ANYONE WHO CAN PLAY FUKKIN' DEFENSE!  Qualified candidates should be able to skate backward without falling on their asses, shall possess the ability to keep the fukkin' puck on their fukkin' stick and be able to push around itty bitty kitty cats without shitting in their breezers.

If I were Tuukka, I would ask for a demotion until Donny Sweeney figures this fukkin' thing out.  Let him be the guy who holds the door while GooseTahhfsun gets peppered with pucks.  At this point, Torey Krug is our top blue liner.  At five foot nothing, this cute little fukker gets muscled out of the crease by a stiff breeze, fahchrissake!  Oh, it's a shit show at the Gahden right now.  And... les sacs de douche are coming to town on Saturday.  That oughta fahkin' sahk!!

That's all I got.  Happy Friday!

Friday, October 2, 2015

Oregon Shooter Targeted Christians. Hate Crime? Shhhhh!

Wait!  What?  But it was a Gun Free Zone!  
How could this be?

Stricter gun laws are needed, huh?  Umpqua Community College has its own rules on guns - they are prohibited on campus.  So how could this shooting have happened when federal law expressly prohibits murder and guns are not even ALLOWED on UCC campus?  What's that?  Bad guys break laws??  The fuck you say!!!

Word is that the shooter targeted Christians.  Will Obie and the media call this a hate crime?  Will he demand tolerance?  Oh, that's right.  Christians are on their own.