Friday, October 16, 2015

Friday Bitchin! Enough Fukkin' Pumpkin!!

I just love fall... or "Autumn" as they call it in the douchebaggery world of parlors and cul-de-sacs.  (It's a fukkin' living room and it's a dead end, assholes!)  I love the cool mornings and brisk sunny afternoons, college football on Saturdays and Patriot ass whoopins on Sundays.  I like throwin' on a pair of old Levis, a flannel shirt and some fukkin' boots and hangin' outside for those final days before that fukkin' snow starts cornholin' our world.

But ya know what I couldn't give two shits about?  Foliage!  Jeezus Harold Christ!  What the fuk makes people so gawdam giddy about looking at dying leaves?   Oh, that's right.  It's nature's canvas.  It's a reminder of God's awesomeness.  Yeah, like God is some kinda fukkin' Bob Ross or something.  When I want to be reminded of His awesomeness, I just think of yoga pants, squeeze cheese and Carl's Junior commercials.  You can have your plethora of orange, red and burnt fukkin' sienna from an observation point on the Kangamangus Highway.  I'll behold the wonders of the Lord by watching Kate Upton do the Cat Daddy.

Another thing I don't get about this season... why everything is fukkin' pumpkin flavored!!  From pumpkin muffins to pumpkin coffee to fukkin' pumpkin beer.  When the fuk did this happen?  Last week, someone tried to offer me pumpkin whoopie pies!  This fukkery is out of control.  Oh, and now, you ain't nothin' unless you get a Shipyahd Pumpkin Head draft beer with a sticky fukkin' rim of cinnamon sugar and a shot of vanilla vodka dropped in.  Cuz nothing screams fall like sippin' squash flavored beer from a pint glass like it is some kind of blue collar marga-fukkin'-rita!  I know this much... if you are ordering a Drunken Pumpkin, you ain't no fukkin' lumberjack!!

Speakin' of pumpkins.. what the fuk is with all these fancy pants jack-o-lanterns people are carving these days?  In my day, ya take a gawdam steak knife, cut two triangles for eyes, one triangle for the nose and a half-moon with two teeth for the mouth.  You stuck a fukkin' candle in the thing and BOOM it was Halloween!  Now it's fukkin' art class with paper stencils, special little carving tools and paint.  Ya see witches, bats and cartoon character faces carved into pumpkins now.  Why are you carving a scene from the Headless Horseman into a gourd?  Are you gonna win some kind of "Best Pumpkin On The Street" award?  Put a fukkin' tea lite at the bottom and finish your Christmas shopping already!!

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