Monday, November 30, 2015

MMLS: Now Gronk and Hightower?? FUK!

Alas... there will be no victory dance for the first time in a year.  No, I do not count that gift we handed Buffalo last year in week 16.  It was November 30 2014 the last time the good guys felt the dick punch of defeat in a game where they were actually trying.  I would say that getting a loss now is a blessing.  It at least stops the meaningless nonsense of undefeated talk.  We can leave the 16-0 pressure to that bipolar, dabbin' dickhead in Carolina.  But there is nothing fukkin' blessing-like about these gawdam injuries!!!

Denver deserves credit for the win because they scored more points.  And it was as exciting a game as you can get.  Brady did his thing within 1 minute and got Clutchkowski in position to tie the game and take it to overtime.  Denver had it's own clutch drive, scoring late to take the lead, albeit with the help of some wikkid fukked up officiating and typically aggressive play calls from the Pats on that second to last drive.  DAMN IT run the ball!  Listen, they are 25 and 2 over their last 27 games, so I guess they know what they are doing moreso than a half-ass blogger whose best talent is spelling fuck in a Boston accent.  But RUN THE DAMN BALL!!  

Now, back to the injuries.  I have heard national sports dopes talk about the Pats injury woes and liken it to all the other teams suffering injuries at this time of year.  They say ya cannot use injuries as an excuse because every team has them.  Um, you find me a team that has lost its top 5 receivers that has also lost two of its top three defensive players and has also lost its best offensive lineman and then I can be with you on the whole "every team is going through this" argument.  I do know THIS much.... Amendola does NOT drop that punt!!   Gronk's injury was the result of a low hit by an itty bitty defensive back.  While I hate that it happened like that, it is NOT dirty.  So please Pats fans, don't go that route.  You should know better than anyone that the only way to bring that monster down is to go at his legs.  It sucks.  But it's the truth.  How many times have you seen a DB try to "wrap him up" only to be carried for 5 yards or more?  

Listen, it cannot be an excuse.  That's because the Pats are still 10-1 and in the AFC driver's seat.  But the future is fukkin' bleak all of a sudden.  Next week at home, Hoodie will be trotting out a lineup you would usually see in the fourth exhibition to back TMFB against the Eagles.  Thank God its the innovative, ground breaking mind of Chip Kelly coming to the Razah next week.  Brady should be able to beat them with the likes of Harper, Cleveland and Martin.  Harper and Cleveland and Martin?  OH MY!

So, while there is no victory dance to gawk at this morning, we DO bring you the Stop The Fukkin' Injuries Dance.   Cue the music bitches.  I'm going to pray to the God of Healing Gronkapotamuses.

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

MMLS: Bustin' Out The "Rex Ryan" Audible!!

I'd prefer they blow him out.  But then again, you don't get Rex Ryan head set throwing fuk bomb temper tantrums when the game is out of hand.  So there is definitely some joy in the close ones.  But I'd rather blow him out.  Cuz that's more fun.

Ya know what else is fun?  When Brady audibles "REX RYAN.  REX RYAN" on the third play of the game and then to hear linebacker Nigel Bradham tell us after the game that he knew the play would be a run to the right.  No fukkin' shit!  So, Sherlock, you figured out that Rex Ryan meant Run Right?  It's a wonder the Bills are only 5-5 with players that smart over there.

In week 2, the Pats threw the ball 62 times against the Bills defense, causing some to lament (i.e. that man titted pant load in a Buffalo sweater vest and receiver gloves) that Brady and Belichick were trying to run it up on Buffalo and "embarrass" them.  Without Edeleman and Lewis and with the short passing game in disrepair, the Pats had to rely on the run last night.  And it did not go so well.  That's cuz Buffalo has a monstrous front four.  

The M*A*S*H unit at the Razor is filling up like ya fukkin' read about.  Amendola and Dobson limped off last night.  That leaves Brandon LaDropsies and some guy named Harper as the only healthy receivers this morning.  Think about this for a minute - the last four weeks, the Pats have lost their best running back, their best receiver, their best defensive player and their entire fukkin' offensive line.  And yet, they continue to friggin' win!!  

It cannot last.  This makes no gawdam sense.  If Amendola is out for any period of time, Brady is going to see more pressure like he did last night.  Because the timing is off.  The Bills took Gronk away by double teaming him and bracketing him over the top.  He only had two catches.  Brady has dominated against the Bills for years, mostly because of guys like Welker, Edelman, Woodhead, Vereen and Dion Lewis who read where the blitz comes from and get to that spot.  

But maybe it CAN last.  That's because, lost in the prolific offense, and what nobody ever seems to talk about, the Pats defense is getting stronger.  Even with Jamie Collins battling some kind of bubonic linebacker eating plague, this squad is busting balls week after week.  They are quietly second in the NFL in rushing defense and fourth in points per game allowed.  Led by Chandler Bing Jones, New England is FOURTH in the league in sacks with 30.  And with Darrelle Revis is getting smoked in Jersey and Brandon Browner making an ass of himself in N'awlens, Malcom Butlah is making Hoodie look the genius once again.  This kid is becoming a shut down corner.  Last week, he nullified Odell Beckham and last night, he shut down Sammy Ten Target Watkins.  The kid is good!  And with McCourty and Chung playing safety, the alleged weakened secondary ain't so weak.  Now, if we can get Jonathan Freeny to cover a fukkin' running back, all will be good.

So it's 10-0 and off to the Rocky Mountains to bring Peyton a get well card.  But before that, let's Give Thanks to Gisele.  For you know... the white bikini.  And the hotness.

Monday, November 16, 2015

MMLS: Gawdam Giants!

Down at the Slinky in the Swamp, the train kept a rollin'~

Didn't look that way at the two minute warning, tho.  Instead, it looked like those fukkin' Giants were gonna keep pokin' the Patsy VooDoo Doll and continue their domination over TMFB and the Hood.  But then Malcom Butlah made the play, the GOAT picked his way downfield and Steven Clutchkowski kept the FukAllYall Tour intact!!!

Thank God Elizabeth Manning and the Jersey Giants never make the playoffs.  Or I don't think New England ever gets a Lombardi.  I don't know what it is that Teapot Coughlin and Peyton's Bettah Brothah have over the Pats.  But it is fukkin' scary shit!  I think it's just that Coughlin doesn't crap his pants and lose his mind when he faces Belichick.  He just worries about coaching his team and planning his game instead of sweeping locker rooms for bugs or bitching about formations.  I loved his post-game press conference.  No bullshit.  No excuses.  Just pure honesty about how bad he felt losing that way.

One more thing on the Giants - color me an Odell Beckham fan.  Dude is good.  That's a no-brainer.  But he and Butlah engaged in quite a mano y mano battle all day.  And every time Butlah wanted to talk trash after making a play, Beckham patted him on his ass and said nice play and back to the huddle.  THIS is what the NFL needs more of.  Yeah, I know he called out Gronk on his touchdown spike in the first quarter.  But that was an 87 yard play and emotion gets to you sometime.

-  New England frustrated the befukkers out of me yesterday with their inopportune penalties.  The holding call on Blount's fourth quarter score was just the frosting.  But some of that horseshit was on the officials.  Eli went to his go-to third and short play at least four times yesterday and got the conversion.  I think it's called Z Swipe X Fatty Right Pass Interference Bitch!  But everyone settle down with the "Goodell was there, the refs were against us" bullshit.  Except for the phantom PI on Butlah (which had me throwing my hat at the television), those are calls that are made all season.  It's the way the league works.

-  Duron Harmon had better be buying Danny DLDola dinner for the rest of the season after dropping his teammate 10 yards short of a touchdown on that punt return.  What the fuk was he doing running straight at his teammate who had already cleared every defender?  Just meet him in the gawdam endzone fahchrisake!  Good thing for Harmon they ended up scoring a few plays later.

-  TMFB was definitely not at his best yesterday.  Two fumbles and what should have been two picks does not a goat make.  But when it came time to nut up or shut up, he did it again.  The last drive was almost never a drive at all because of that pop fly he threw to centerfield that woulda coulda shoulda been intercepted.  Except that it wasn't.  Maybe Landon Collins should have caught that ball with his helmet.

-  Nothing to do with the Pats-Giants, but......   Peyton Manning.  Nice record you got there sonny.  Now have a fukkin' seat cuz you suck again.  His QBR yesterday was Mr. Blutarski level - Zero Point One.  But Denver claims he's injured.  And has been injured.  Well, except that game against the Packers.  He wasn't injured then.  Just all the other games.  Manning was benched to give legendary Brock Osweiller a chance.  17 interceptions this season.  But nice record.

So... whattaya say we do a little victory dancing?  
Cue the music.  Cue the cave boners!  Go to Rio.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Monday Morning Long Snappah: Pats Hitem Redskins

The Pale Faces may have said all the right things going into the game againstum Redskins.  About how talented and dangerous the 'skins are and how they will bring the toughest challenge to date.  But their real feelings could not be hidden when Hoodie rolled out the ol' First Quarter Onsides Kick Trick!  Such surprisary in the first quarter is usually done for one of two reasons:  desperation or complete dismissal of the opponent's ability to do anything about it.  And since we are all pretty sure the Patsies are not anywhere near desperate, one can only look at that onside kick as a slap in the boy berries to Little Gruden and his Washington R-words.  

When the Pats attempt to fix the coin toss failed and the Redskins deferred to the second half, that took away one of Hoodie's favorite weapons - the ol' double possession, make it take it the Pats have mastered when they win the toss and defer.  It usually turns into two possessions in a row and they usually score to end the first half and start the second half.  Well, when they couldn't do that yesterday, Belichick be like "Fuck it.  We'll just onside kick and get our two successive possessions that way."  And because nobody on Washington can catch the fukkin' ball, the trickery worked.  

ESPN is reporting this morning that Roger Good'n'Douchey will launch an investigation into how the Patriots are able to keep Tom Brady upright as well as rush for 161 yards with an offensive line made up primarily of undrafted centers, fat tight ends and oompa loompas.  There must be chicanery afoot.  I mean, I think I saw Jonathan Kraft playing right tackle at one point yesterday.  Surveillance video clearly shows both Bryan Stork AND Michael Williams playing tackle yesterday at different times.  Inside sources say that prior to yesterday, neither of these two guys have EVER played tackle before.  So that's deception.  It's deceptive.  HAH!!!

It won't be as easy next week with Jason Pierre Three Fingers coming at Brady next week.  The Giants are much faster on the edge than the Redskins.  So Hoodie had better hit the waiver wire this morning to see if there are any fat guys sittin' around with nothing to do next Sunday night.  And Dion Lewis is likely done for the season.  But somehow, I'm not worried.

But in the meantime.... 8-0 is 8-0.  It's nothing.  Except that it ain't 7-1, right Peyton??